Getting It Right

The Picnic

Brian had the picnic laid out by 5:45. He had bought the same things that Justin had chosen for the last picnic set up on the floor of the loft. Brian remembered every detail of that picnic. He remembered how much he had wanted to sit down and have that meal and the private evening that Justin had planned. He almost had, but he finally got himself under control and insisted on going to Babylon. If he had not done that, he was pretty sure he would have made the commitment that Justin also wanted him to make, and he would have the kid trapped into the kind of arrangement that Brian was sure was wrong for him. He was hoping that somehow even the relationship they had would cool so that Justin could get on with a normal life. Brian did not want the relationship to be over for his own sake, only for Justin's. Brian knew he wanted Justin, but he felt that Justin was too inexperienced and immature to make the commitment he wanted to make. Brian knew now that he might be fighting a losing battle with himself. He loved Justin and he needed Justin, "love" and "need" being two words that Brian had never thought he would use about himself in the sense he used them in relation to Justin. He was not angry about Justin and Ethan. How could he be angry because Justin had done what he was trying to get him to do? But Brian was relieved that Ethan was out of the picture. He had been surprised how that affair had affected him. If Justin had learned anything from his time with Ethan, so had Brian.

Justin was pacing up and down outside Brian's building at 5:40, being careful not to walk where he could be seen from the loft. He had enough concerns about the upcoming meeting and one of the minor ones was that he did not want to appear over-anxious. He had no idea how he would react to seeing Brian. He had rehearsed several times, but he still wasn't sure. He had to apologize to Brian for lying to him about Ethan - well not exactly lying - yes, lying. That he had to do. Then he wanted to get Brian's reaction to his remembering the prom, and especially the touchiest subject of all, Brian's nights at the hospital. He wondered just how angry Brian was with him, and if Brian would even be willing to discuss the other points. He didn't want to alienate Brian. He wanted Brian in his life on any terms he could have him. He had learned a lot from his time with Ethan. He knew you couldn't always have what you wanted and that sometimes you had to settle for the best you could get, and learn to like it. Nevertheless, he could not imagine his life without Brian in it somehow or other. He still had his key but he rang the bell and was buzzed in. He took the steps up.

"Hey" Brian said as he turned the bend on the steps.

"Hey," Justin responded. When he walked into the loft, Justin almost burst into tears. The picnic lunch was on the floor exactly like the one he had put there himself not so long ago. There were even candles. He couldn't let himself cry. His head was swimming. He had to say something to cut the tension he was feeling. "I thought you didn't eat carbs after seven," he heard himself say, and he wanted to kick himself for saying it. But Brian was smiling. "It's only six," Brian corrected him. Justin smiled too and said, "Then we'll have to eat fast." They stood for minutes just looking at each other with rather silly grins on their faces.

They didn't speak but they were thinking. Justin thought: "I haven't been in this loft for over three months but I feel like I'm home. And he's here with me. Shit. I'd think I was home anywhere he was with me." And Brian was thinking. "If he wants us to be together, I think he's won. There's no way I can push him away again. If it's wrong, we'll both have to learn the hard way. Yeah, he's won. But I don't think I've lost. Not if he still wants me." They weren't mind readers though.

Brian gave a signal and they sat down on the floor on opposite sides of the picnic spread. They had not looked directly at each other the two times they had been together since the Rage party but they were looking at each other now. They started dabbling with the food and Justin began as planned, "Brian," he said "I really am sorry about the business with Ethan. You have every right to be pissed off at me. I handled it all badly. I can't make any excuses. I broke the rules that I insisted we have, and I owed it to you to tell you about Ethan. You should not have had to learn about it from Mikey. And I am so ashamed of kissing him in front of the crowd at Babylon. I didn't want to embarrass you. I was confused. I'm still confused. I'm always confused." Justin had said what he wanted to say but he was not particularly pleased at the way he had said it.

Brian was still smiling. "That's what comes of being nineteen." He countered. He and Justin often had engaged in banter about their age difference, but this time Justin decided not to refer to Brian's age.

"Nineteen is not an excuse for being full of shit." Justin accused himself.

Brian responded gently: "I'm not mad at you. I don't blame you for anything. You didn't lie to me about Ethan. You just didn't tell me some things you should have. I was disappointed about that but, you know, there may have sometimes been some things you should have known that I didn't tell you."

Justin saw an opportunity. He didn't know if he should take or not. He decided he had to. "Like all the time you spent with me in the hospital. All those nights," Justin responded. Brian looked surprised and maybe a bit uncomfortable.

"Did your mother tell you that?" Brian asked.

"Not directly," Justin replied. "She let it slip to Daphne and Daphne let it slip to me. You know how women are with secrets" Neither of them knew how women are with secrets but it seemed to lessen the blame.

"Yeah, I was there. I was there when you were unconscious or sleeping and then didn't have the guts to see you when you would know I was there." Brian said.

Justin answered him: "I wasn't sleeping all the time you were at the hospital, Brian, I did know you were there. I thought I was dreaming but I knew you were there. I looked forward to the night so that I could see you. You talked to me, didn't you? You told me things that kept me alive, things that made me get better. You told me things that saved my life a second time."

"You wouldn't have been in the damn hospital at all if I hadn't been crazy enough to come to your prom. That's the cause of all your problems that night," Brian retorted. Justin saw tears in Brian's eyes. He saw them through some tears in his own eyes.

"You know that isn't true," Justin said, "Daphne told you that we know that Chris had that bat the afternoon of the prom and he told some people that he had a special use for it that night. If you hadn't been there, he might have bashed me to death, or I would have bled to death. You didn't cause my bashing. You saved my life. If you hadn't come to the prom, I would have been dead. Daphne told you all that."

"Daphne did talk to me a lot about the prom but I don't think I listened to her or anybody else for a long time afterward. Are you telling me the truth? I need to know if that's the truth." Brian said, quietly.

"As far as we know, that's the truth, Brian," Justin responded, "I have lied to you before, but believe me this time, I will never lie to you again about anything, and I don't want you to keep anything from me, not to protect me, or whatever."

"Okay, Sunshine," Brian said, "That's a deal." Justin felt things were going his way. Brian had called him "Sunshine." It wasn't a name he liked very much but when it came from Brian…. He was relieved, but there was more he needed to know. There were questions he had to ask, but Justin only wanted answers if they were the answers he wanted. His dream was based on what he hoped those answers would be. Otherwise, he wasn't really sure he could accept the truth he had just demanded from Brian. So it was with some uncertainty that he began his interrogation.

"Did you really say the things I heard you say in the hospital?" Justin asked, all the tension returning.

"Oh, Oh!" Brian thought, "Here come the questions and I just promised always to tell the truth." Now the truth was not always convenient for Brian so he didn't always tell the truth. But he always did when he said he would, and he was not about to lie to Justin. He stared at the beautiful young man seated across from him, his Sunshine, the twink who had become the most important thing in his life, and he thought he detected a frightened look on Justin's face. Was Justin afraid to hear his answer? Except for his promise, Brian would have gladly lied, if necessary, to turn that frightened look on Justin's face into his sunshine smile, but he hoped that the truth would do that job. Anyhow, when he looked at Justin's eyes, he was sure that the kid could see right into his heart. So it had to be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing else. "Yeah, I guess I did," Brian replied.

"Did you mean them, or were you saying them because you thought you were responsible?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, I meant them, whether I was responsible for the bashing or not. I probably would have told you the same things after the prom if Chris Hobbs hadn't ruined it for both of us." Brian answered.

Justin felt himself getting light headed. It was too good to be true. "But I guess you've changed your mind with all that's happened since," Justin pursued his questioning.

"No," Brian said, "I haven't changed my mind." Justin got up and moved around the mostly uneaten picnic meal, knelt down next to Brian and put his arms around Brian's neck. They kissed like they had never kissed before. It was a while before the conversation continued.

When they were able to speak again, Justin said to Brian: "I remember the prom, Brian. I remember that it was 'ridiculously romantic.' I remember the dance and the kiss. I remember telling you that it was the best night of my life. It was. It really was, but, you know, it's only the second best night of my life now." They kissed again amid tears that they didn't even notice. This time though, at long last, they were tears of joy. A little more time passed before either of them spoke.

"Will you move back here with me?" Brian asked.

"Of course I will," Justin replied and he continued: "But not right now. I want to keep my own place for a while. That way you will have more freedom. We have done enough wrong things that I don't want to take any chances. You are no longer talking to a nineteen year old ninny. You are now talking to the most mature person you know, Brian. We are absolutely going to get it right this time."

"And it'll be different this time, too," Brian responded, "I'm ready to give up tricking. You're the only one I want and now that you know that, I won't be pushing you away. For me, there isn't anybody but you. But I'll wait until you're ready."

"You don't have to give up everything for me, Brian," Justin interjected.

"Yes, I do," Brian answered. "I want to. I want to be the most mature person you know, but I told you I would wait till you're ready and I won't hurry you."

Justin beamed. This went beyond his wildest dreams "You don't have to wait, Brian, and you don't have to hurry me," Justin replied, "I don't think the King of Babylon is likely to be King Justin the Unready. I'm Justin the Ever-Ready. Your place or mine? I pick your place tonight cause we're here. It's after seven so it's too late for you to eat. Wanna redo that first night we met?"

"We can't do that exactly, " Brian answered, "That first night was all about sex and just about sex. It hasn't been just about sex with us for a long time, and it never will be again." Brian continued: "Are you sure this is what you want? You know I can sometimes be a bastard."

Justin was so happy he could hardly speak but he managed to say: "And you know that I can sometimes be a brat."

Justin wound his arms around Brian's neck and kissed him again, and again, etc. "I love you, Brian, I love you," Justin gasped.

" I …I …I…" Brian stuttered. What he finally said was, "Me too." What Justin heard was "I love you, Justin. I always will." It was all he ever wanted to hear. Wrapped up in each other in every possible way, they happily stumbled up the steps to the bedroom. The blue light was on.

Return to Getting It Right