Getting It Right

Twin Soliloquies

Ethan had been gone three days. Justin had talked to him by phone. and it seemed as though Ethan was settling into his new life pretty well. They had agreed to keep in touch by e-mail once Ethan had his own place there. Justin was satisfied to be alone in the apartment. It made it easier to deal with the turmoil in his life. It had been over three months now since the Rage party - that long since he had walked out on Brian with Ethan. He had learned a lot since he had done that. He wondered if he would have acted differently if he knew then all that he had learned since. Brian still dominated his thoughts but he was nevertheless pretty sure that their separation was permanent. He had himself seen to that. He spent a lot of time reliving the happy times with Brian; the not-so-happy times he didn't think about. "'You're pathetic. A nineteen year old living on memories,' that's what Brian would have told me," he thought to himself, and then he smiled because even that thought was about Brian.

Wandering aimlessly around the room, Justin spied the audio tape he had borrowed from Daphne. He hadn't played it yet, the song they said he had danced to at the prom with Brian. He didn't know the song, just that it was a dumb old thing. He slipped it into the player. It still sounded like a dumb song to him but the melody was kind of catchy. Actually, he played the song a couple of times and then found himself humming it to himself. It was like as if it had got trapped in his head. He couldn't get rid of it.

It was getting pretty late in the evening. The room was dark except for the light of a single lamp on the other side of the room from where Justin was sitting in his new recliner. He was in a pensive mood. He closed his eyes half-way. The damn song was still coursing through his brain. "You can dance…" He was thinking of Brian, what else? And that damn song: "Baby don't you know I love you so? Can't you feel it when we touch? I will never, never let you go. I love you, oh, so much."

Justin didn't think he was asleep but it seemed like he was dreaming. He and Daphne were dancing. It was at the prom. Daphne pointed toward the door. Brian was coming in. He was coming over to them. He asked Daphne if he could borrow her date, took Justin's hand and led him onto the dance floor. Everybody stood aside. It was just him and Brian and the song "Don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be." They were dancing alone on the floor. They were waltzing and the music wasn't a waltz. They moved into a tango and the music wasn't a tango either. Justin didn't know either of those old-peoples' dances anyhow. It didn't matter. They slipped across the floor like Astaire and Rogers. They didn't miss a step. It was as if they were alone somewhere - just the two of them. Maybe they were in Heaven. Wherever they were, it was Heaven. Brian wrapped a white scarf around Justin's neck. He lifted him off the floor and swung him around. Justin felt like he was flying - like he could fly with no help from anybody. When the music stopped, Brian kissed him and led him by the hand off the floor

"What a great dream," Justin thought to himself. "If only…" Then Justin stiffened and his face turned white. Realization started slowly but then came on in a rush. Justin knew. He knew that this was no dream. He was remembering the prom. He remembered it all. He remembered going down to the garage. He remembered his conversation with Brian. He remembered telling Brian that it was the best night of his life. He remembered Brian saying that the night was "ridiculously romantic." Then he remembered Brian telling him "Later," inviting him back to the loft after he had dropped Daphne off. He remembered it all. It was just like they had told him but it was so much better. He was sure that night that Brian really loved him. He was sure that their meeting later in the loft would really be the first day of the rest of his life, the life that he so wanted and the life which would make him so very happy. He remembered too why that hadn't happened, but that part was no longer important to Justin. He knew one thing. He had to talk to Brian. He would have to see him and talk to him He wasn't sure what to expect from Brian. He wasn't optimistic. A lot had happened since that amazing prom night. Maybe it was too late. Probably it was too late. Justin knew he had to find out.

Brian was spending that evening at the loft. The loft held memories for Brian and he spent less time there than he ever had but this particular night he was there. He had done some work on the computer but he got bored and was lying on the bed. He was thinking and most of his thoughts were about Justin He had heard from Michael that Ethan had moved to New York. He hoped that Justin was doing okay on his own. He desperately wanted Justin to be happy. That was why he had pushed Justin away. He was no good for Justin. He had always known he was no good for Justin. He remembered being ready to forget that on the night of Justin's prom. Brian was ready to finish off the "ridiculously romantic" encounter at the prom later that night at the loft when Justin came back there.

Against all his better judgment, Brian was ready to tell Justin the things he wanted to hear. But "what happened" happened, and Justin was nearly killed. "That was my fault," he reminded himself. Then during the course of the year, he had weakened again. Again against his better judgment, he began to think of himself and Justin as a couple. - just the two of them. He knew that was selfish and he worried about it. When the feeling got the strongest, Brian contrived something that strained the relationship. He wanted to do the right thing - to let Justin go on with his life unencumbered by an older, if still not old by a long shot, man. He just didn't want that right thing to happen, not yet anyhow. He knew he had to give Justin up for Justin's own good but he didn't want to.

Brian was beginning to feel that he didn't need his "freedom" so much any more. He thought that Justin might still need his. Justin was only nineteen. He wondered if Justin wouldn't one day begin to mind the age difference as Brian moved through the thirties. "Forty?" Brian thought. "That's not just a possibility. It's inevitable. I can't tie that kid down to me for the rest of his life. And I can't take the chance that what happened on the prom night might happen again. I just can't be selfish when it comes to him. I'd like to call Justin and find out if he's okay but I don't know if I can trust myself. And I don't know if he would even want to hear from me." He remembered too that he had weakened on the night of the Rage party, that he had lost his high-minded resolve. He had decided that he was going to give in to Justin later in the party - to admit his feelings, as Justin wanted him to do. . He had even told Melanie and Lindsey he was going to talk to Justin after the skit. That damn skit. It brought the prom night back and all the horror connected to it. He couldn't do that to Justin again. "At least", he thought, "It made me do the right thing and let the kid go to where he can be really happy. I'll get over it." The great Brian Kinney, though, was not sure about that.

Brian's thoughts were interrupted by a ringing in his ears. It took him a second to recognize that it was his cell phone. "11:00. It has to be Mikey" he thought, "at 11:00." The familiar voice on the other end wasn't Mikey. It was Justin, though his voice seemed a little out of the ordinary. Brian froze. His heart started racing and he felt perspiration on his forehead.

"Brian, I have to see you. I have to talk to you. Can we meet someplace sometime soon?" Justin asked. His voice betrayed that he was in some kind of trouble.

"Sure," Brian responded. He would always be available to Justin if Justin needed him. How about Babylon tomorrow around six?" Brian suggested

"I think it might be better if we were somewhere where we wouldn't be seen," Justin answered.

"Well, do you want to come to the loft then," Brian offered. "Okay," Justin answered, sounding a little more relaxed, but still far from being himself. "No classes tomorrow" Justin proclaimed. "I'll mix up some of my jumbalaya and bring it with me and we can eat while we talk."

"Nothing against your jumbalaya, but at my loft, I should provide the food." Brian said, "I'll stop at the deli and pick up some things. I think maybe I'm in the mood for a picnic."

Justin didn't die at that remark but he thought he might. How either one of them was able to complete the call, neither would have been able to say, but somehow they did.

It is said that great minds often think alike. If that is true, Brian and Justin had great minds, at least for that moment. Both of them were thinking exactly the same thing: " I'll be seeing him in just 20,000 years. That's nineteen hours, earth time."

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