Getting It Right

Farewell to Ethan

Justin was a confused nineteen year old. He was living with Ethan; Ethan was a really great guy; he liked Ethan but he was no closer to being in love with Ethan than he had ever been. He and Brian were finished but it was still Brian who filled his thoughts. It was so bad that he could not trust himself to be in Brian's company. He had seen Brian twice since the Rage party and both times were really tough for him. It hurt so much. He was still ashamed that he had kept Ethan's entrance into his life a secret from Brian. By doing that, he had broken his own rules and deceived the man who had been very generous to him, even if he did not love him. And maybe who DID love him …? Justin shuddered. "What if …?" he thought to himself. And now he was deceiving Ethan about his feelings for Brian. Ethan had every reason to think that Justin loved him. Justin knew that, if he wanted to avoid doing to Ethan what he had done to Brian, he would have to talk to Ethan - to tell him the truth. It had to be soon.

He was glad that Ethan had suggested that they have dinner that evening at the new spaghetti place which had just opened down the street. Justin liked spaghetti but he was not, actually, looking forward to this meal. If the opportunity came up, he was going to have to tell Ethan what was on his mind. He didn't expect that to be easy.

Ethan wasn't looking forward to the dinner either. He had things to tell Justin too.

It was just about half-way through the spaghetti when Ethan finally said, "Justin, I'm going to New York."

"When are you going and when will you be back?" Justin asked between bites of the spaghetti. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, Justin." Ethan responded. "I'm going to New York to stay and I'm going alone. I got an offer from one of the small regional orchestras up their for the first chair. They had somebody at the Heifetz competition and then they sent some people to Wheeling and they liked what they heard. They offered me the job and the music faculty at school think it is a great opportunity. Professor Green said that the New York Philharmonic will have a couple of violin openings next September and if I get heard around New York, I have a shot. I really am good, Justin, and I have to go."

"But I …" Justin started out to say something but Ethan interrupted: "You have to stay here at school, Justin. You're good too, and you may eventually come to New York It's the big town for all the arts. If you do, who knows what may happen with us. In the meantime if you ever have to come to New York for anything, let me know and stay with me. I'll be able to afford guests, and I hope we will always be friends, at least"

"But you're always saying how much you love me," Justin finally got to say.

"And I do," said Ethan. "I don't think you really know how much I do. I love my music too, and my music loves me back. I don't think you do."

Ethan didn't like saying what he had to say but, having started, he wanted to get it over. "I know you want to love me, Justin. I know that, but I don't think you have gotten over Brian. I don't think you wanted to leave him that night at Babylon but he didn't give you much of a choice. If I thought that there was any chance for us, I might not be going to New York, but there isn't until you get your unfinished business with Brian taken care of, and that may be never."

Justin started to answer but Ethan was on a run: "You've always been nice to me, Justin: we have the same interests; you're fun to be with; I love having sex with you. And I know you have tried to make 'us' work, Justin, but it hasn't worked, and the way things are now, it can't ever work. I guess you don't know that when you're asleep, you sometimes throw you arms around me and call me 'Brian.'"

Justin had certainly not known that. "I'm sorry, Ethan," Justin came back. "You're right about a lot of what you're saying. I wish you were right about unfinished business with Brian. Brian and I are finished. I am still interested in Brian. I have been in love with him from the very first night I saw him. He tried to get rid of me until I wore him down. He warned me it wouldn't work but I wouldn't listen to him. You know, I think he always kind of liked me but he tried to get rid of me because he thought I would do better with a younger guy. He was afraid he would rob me of my youth. He told me I was too young for him. He didn't think he could be what I wanted and he told me that. I chased him till I caught him and then I didn't want what I got. We finally got into a kind of relationship but I wasn't satisfied with that relationship. I needed more than we had, and I still do, but I think it has to be with Brian or nobody - at least right now it does. Ethan, it wasn't because you weren't great. You were great, but you just weren't Brian. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner. I wanted to, and I hoped to tell you tonight, but you beat me to the punch. I don't want you to think that you could have done more. It's me who should have done more. If it weren't for Brian I could really have fallen for you. I wish I could have."

"Thanks, Justin. You're telling me things that I bet you haven't told anybody else. That makes me feel good. I want us to be friends. I'll settle for that. Sometimes I think that real friends are harder to come by than lovers," Ethan observed, after they had declined dessert. They had walked silently part way back to the apartment hand in hand before Ethan went on: "If you could tell me the things you told me tonight, couldn't you talk to Brian the same way? Aren't there more things he needs to hear from you?"

"I don't think there is anything he wants to hear from me. I walked out on him in front of everybody. He'll never get over that. If he ever cared for me at all, I think that blew it. What could he want to hear from me?" Justin replied with a disconsolate sigh.

"I can't see that you can ever be happy until you try?" Ethan insisted.

"I'm pretty sure I never will be," Justin thought to himself as they reached the apartment.

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