Getting It Right

He Was There

It was a bright sunny Saturday afternoon when Justin was walking over toward Daphne's. They were planning to "hang out" for a couple of hours as they had in the old days. The old days were very much on Justin's mind lately. Not that the new days were all bad. The comic book was doing well. Ted was helping them with the financial end and Brian's advertising campaign had worked wonders. Ethan had won the Heifetz Competition and the $25000 prize, most of which would be used for more lessons.

Ethan was away this particular weekend playing Ravel with the Wheeling Symphony as part of the Heifetz award. Justin would have been able to go along but Ethan said that he might be a distraction from the goal of putting on the best possible performance. Justin did not want to be a distraction. Things were coming along pretty well with him and Ethan. They had moved into a nice apartment near the school. He was pretty sure that Ethan loved him - he certainly had said so enough times - and he hoped that sometime soon he would be able to feel the same way about Ethan. Forgetting Brian was the obstacle there. He hoped that he was not fighting a losing battle. Actually, he didn't want to forget Brian but only the pain that their relationship had caused him. He would never really forget Brian. It had been a couple of months since he had seen him at the diner, and a few weeks earlier than that since the Rage party at Babylon when Justin's world turned upside down. Oh, he thought he had seen Brian's jeep a couple of times over on Elm Street but he knew that was just his imagination working overtime. There was no reason for Brian to be on Elm Street and there were lots of cars that looked like his.

Daphne met him at the door of the apartment she shared with three other girls. They would be alone this day because the others were all at the library studying. "They're not as smart as me," Daphne had explained. It took a while for them to catch up on recent events in their lives. They didn't see each other as much as they did at the Academy. They missed the exchange of confidences.

Daphne had been at the Rage party so she knew about the break-up with Brian and she had heard about the new violin-player in Justin's life. She had even met him, and liked him. But she had also talked with Jennifer, and she knew that Justin's mother was concerned about the way he had been acting since the party. Jennifer had come almost to liking Brian and had concluded that it was not so much that Brian was too old for Justin but more that Justin was too young for Brian. Jennifer also told her that Justin's friends had noticed a change in him. While Jennifer was satisfied that Justin was now involved with someone his own age, she wanted him to be happy, and the consensus of those who knew him indicated that he wasn't. They hoped it was just a period of adjustment. Justin was young and the young bounce back quickly.

After the preliminary discussion petered out, Daphne decided to go for it. " How are things with Ethan?" she asked. Justin knew how to answer that question from anybody else but Daphne. He couldn't lie to her; he couldn't even dissemble.

"He says he loves me - almost too often - and maybe too much. I really do like him and we have a lot of common interests, but it isn't like …," his voice trailed off as a look of pain ran across his face. "Like with Brian," Daphne finished his sentence for him. "Oh, Daff, if he would only have loved me… If we could only have…" He couldn't finish. He didn't need to.

Daphne let him sit for a minute to compose himself. She hadn't learned anything his friends didn't suspect and that she didn't pretty much know. "Have you ever read King Lear.?" Daphne asked when she thought the conversation could continue.

"I don't do Shakespeare very much," answered Justin, "I'm not an English major like you. But isn't it about some old guy with three daughters." "Yeah," she responded, "and two of them kept telling him about how much they loved him when they didn't give a shit, and the one who really loved him couldn't tell him. She just showed him, and he never figured it out, and went crazy over the whole mess."

"Are you saying that Brian really did love me?' Justin said.

"I don't know that," she came back, "but maybe you ought to. From what I knew of Brian, he was a "play the field" guy and I never really saw anything to change that, but I think you got to be very special to him. At first, I didn't think anything would ever come of your relationship with Brian, but at the prom, at the hospital, and afterwards, I could see that he felt you were different He had lots of friends and he had lots of sex partners but nobody, nobody, ever got to be both - till you." She was pushing and she knew it, but she was also Justin's only long-time confidante and she knew she had a unique relationship with him. She knew she could say things other people could not, and she was sure these things needed to be said.

Justin did not respond for a bit, but he eventually said: "I still don't remember the prom. I remember the bashing but I do not remember the prom, or walking out with Brian or any of that conversation we had in the garage. I just remember walking away from the jeep and being so very happy. Do you have a tape of the song Brian and I danced to? You played it for me at the loft. It was really corny, I remember."

"I do," answered Daphne. "Take it with you back to your apartment but don't play it with Ethan around or he'll think you're a hayseed." She got the tape and he put it in his backpack.

"Hey, Daff, you said 'hospital' back then . What did you mean by that? Brian wasn't at the hospital," Justin suddenly thought to ask.

"Only all night, every night," the words spilled out before Daphne realized she had goofed. "Oh my God," she cried, "You weren't supposed to know that."

"What are you saying, Daff? I want to know. I have to know. Tell me." Justin demanded.

"Well, I guess I do have to tell you now," she admitted, "Brian stayed at the hospital for three straight days until it looked like you would pull through. From then on he sat with you every night during your stay in rehab. All night, every night. He told the nurses he couldn't face you when you were awake because he felt responsible for the attack.  He didn't want anybody to know, especially you, and I don't think anybody does but your mother, and she told me by accident."

"My mother knew and didn't tell me. You knew and didn't tell me. Why?" Justin blurted out. " Why?"

"He didn't want you to know and your mother thought it was better if you didn't." was the lame sounding answer.

"Well she was wrong, Daff, and I'm going to tell you why." Justin replied, and Daphne could see tears welling up in his eyes. "I saw him there. I saw him. I saw him there every night but I thought I was dreaming. I never thought it could be real. I thought it was crazy - having the same dream night after night but I needed those dreams. It was those dreams that kept me alive. It wasn't the doctors or the therapists. It wasn't the fucking therapy. It wasn't any of the hospital shit. It was those dreams that got me through rehab. It was those dreams that kept me going. Nothing but those dreams. Just those dreams - nothing else. Without those dreams I would have been dead, Daff. He told me that I had to get better, that he needed me and wanted me and that he always would. He told me that he loved me, Daff, and that gave me the strength to fight. He held my hand and told me that he loved me - that he loved me. And now I find out that maybe they weren't dreams at all. He was there. He was really there. He was there and he told me he loved me. He saved my life when he scared Chris Hobbs off and he saved my life at the hospital. And he kissed me and he told me that he loved me. He told me. I didn't know it but he did tell me…. If I had known that…." Justin buried his face in his hands. He wasn't crying but the sounds he made were worse than crying. He got up after a few minutes and said that he had to leave.

Daphne realized that things had gotten very intense and knew that leaving would be the best thing he could do. He needed to be alone for a while. She told him to call her and he said he would. She warned him that if he didn't call her, she would call him, and a half-smile crossed his face, masking the turmoil she knew was brewing inside him.

Justin's mind was reeling, and he would not have been able to continue any discussion. There were so many things to sort out. He had been confused when he was walking over but he would be far more confused as he walked back. He stumbled out onto the sidewalk and started back to the apartment. He wondered how Ethan's matinee performance had gone and hoped it had been a smash, but, when his lips moved, they whispered "Brian. Brian."

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