Getting It Right

A Good Goddam Father

Melanie and Lindsey looked at each other as they headed down the stairs after putting Gus to bed. They wanted to do something for Brian but they were at a loss. They had tried. Brian had hardly missed a day at their place since the Rage party. They had seen Justin kissing and walking out of Babylon with Ethan. They weren't sure why and they still didn't know. That night had been particularly weird. Brian had told them before the Rage skit that he was going to see Justin afterwards and that he might be going to tell Justin some things he wanted to hear. They presumed the good news was about the comic book. The skit itself had disturbed Melanie and Lindsey on Justin's behalf but they asked Justin and he told them he was quite all right with the skit. He said that perhaps the skit might have disturbed him at one time but that he had talked the whole thing out with Michael while preparing the Rage introduction and that he was no longer haunted by the bashing scene.

On the other hand, Ben had seen Brian heading to the back room with the Rage actor after the skit. Brian looked distressed to Ben and when Ben asked him, Brian had responded only that "The skit was a mistake. The skit was a big mistake." That meeting had bothered Ben enough to mention it to several of the gang. Michael felt that maybe Brian had never really recovered from Justin's bashing. Melanie and Lindsey knew something was wrong. Brian had not been the same since that night. In his own words, he might be "on the way to becoming a good Goddam father."

Gus enjoyed Brian's visits (and also the couple of times a week that Justin dropped by - visits that Brian did not know about). They saw the same kind of a change in Justin that they saw in Brian but they had no more luck talking to Justin about what they called "the situation" than they did with Brian. Neither was his old self; neither seemed very happy. But neither would say anything against the other. Each one wanted to take the blame for the estrangement without providing details. You would think they still liked each other, but they did not want to be thrown together.

Debbie had seen them meet one day in the diner a month back but that was the only time they had been seen together. Deb said they seemed to get along OK. Michael had tried to get them to meet but he hadn't been successful either. Brian had insisted that Mikey and Emmett take the special drawing computer over to Ethan's and they had convinced Justin to take it. With the Rage comic book becoming successful, Justin wanted to send Brian the money for the computer but Emmett had convinced him that payment would hurt Brian's feelings and Justin had said "I don't ever want to hurt Brian." He didn't add "again" to that comment. Perhaps he did not know how appropriate it would have been.

Justin would now though be able to cover his own tuition, and when Mike had told Brian , Brian carelessly replied: "We had an agreement about that and I was going to keep up my part of it." Melanie and Lindsey wanted to give it another try to talk sense to Brian.

Brian was sprawled on the couch in their living room. They thought he was asleep till he muttered. "Did you get the kid to go to sleep?" "You look like shit," said Melanie. "it looks like you could use a little more sleep yourself. Maybe you need somebody to put you to bed." "Fags don't go to sleep when they put someone to bed," snorted Brian. "We're not lesbians."

Lindsey saw that this was going nowhere so she decided on the direct approach. It hadn't worked before but neither had anything else, and there was always hope. "Brian, all of us have seen a change in you since Justin moved out of the loft. Are you really all right with that?" she interjected.

"What's to be all right about? People come and people go. That's what life is." was his reply.

"Not always Brian," Linz answered, "In real life sometimes people stay."

"That would be boring" Brian said, but he was thinking that maybe in some cases it wouldn't need to be boring.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Lindsey pushed on: "Don't you miss Justin at all?"

"Yeah, I miss him, his complaining and his always being underfoot and his problems that I always had to work out for him. He was actually a sweet kid but he was just a kid - 19 for Godssake. He wanted things kids want and I'm no kid. I taught him what he needed to know and now he's where he wants to be - with another kid - having the time of his life - and now I'm able to get on with my own life." Actually, this was Brian being Brian. He didn't often say what he really thought. He was beginning to think though that he had been wrong in some cases... He had thought that he and Justin really wanted different things and the best possibility for both of them, and especially for Justin, because he would never have intentionally hurt Justin without a genuine purpose, would be to push Justin away. He had thought that while Justin had claimed to be "onto" him, that the reality was that he was "onto" Justin. But as much as Justin had learned from Brian, Brian was beginning to understand, there was also a great deal that Brian had learned from Justin. Neither was really "onto" the other. Brian had always been lonely. He had just not known he was lonely. He couldn't know what loneliness was until he knew what it was like not to be lonely. Justin had taught him how not to be lonely, so loneliness could now bring him a pain he had previously been immune to. Justin had taught him to care for other people. He had always been there to help his friends if they needed him, but with Justin he had really wanted to go out of his way to do things for another person, not just to help them through their problems but to do things for them when there weren't any pressing problems. Justin had taught him…. "Oh Hell," Brian thought," "What's the use? It's over, and where do I go from here?" But Brian had come a long way since that night of the Rage party at Babylon. He now knew that he was wrong when he thought that he and Justin wanted different things. He knew now that they both wanted the same thing, that they just called it by different names.

Lindsay went on with the questioning: "Well, wouldn't you like to at least see him? You guys could still be friends."

"No, I don't think so," Brian said, sounding natural, but nearly choking. "I don't need to be a part of his life now. He's got what he wants, what he needs …" Brian had to get out of there. He stood up and said that he had to be going. He was going to the office to write more copy. He didn't say that the drive back would have a detour past the seedy apartment where Justin and Ethan were living, but it would, as it often did. Justin did not know about the long nights he had spent at the hospital and Justin wouldn't know about the furtive drives down Elm Street, but they brought Brian some little comfort and as long as nobody knew….

After Brian left, Lindsey said to Mel: "I guess that didn't do much good."

"No," replied Melanie, "He'll always be Brian. He's never going to change."

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