Why It Didn't Happen

It was snowing outside. Pittsburgh was an icy city. It was no night to be out of doors. Better to sit at home. Brian and Justin were doing that, staying home, sitting on the couch instead of on the floor in front of it, wrapped up in their blanket and in one another, watching the flames jump around in their electric ventless fireplace. Justin was kind of lying on Brian with his head on Brian's chest. Neither could think of anything he'd rather be doing, any place he'd rather be, or anyone he'd rather be with. They were perfectly satisfied.

The phone rang and Brian answered. Justin could only hear Brian's side of the conversation. "Really," he said, and then, "Gee, we're only a mile away and it's warm over here." Then he said, "Don't worry. We won't," "Thanks a lot," and hung up. Brian turned to Justin smiling: "Mikey says for us not to go out. It's cold and icy."

"Don't make fun of Mikey," Justin said, "He cares about us, especially you. He's a good friend." "Yes, he is," Brian agreed, "After you and Gus, I love him more than anybody else in the world." "I know you do," Justin replied.

Then they got snuggled up again and sat there watching the flames, completely satisfied just to be together. They had learned that silence between two people as close as they were could speak sometimes much better than words. But silence does not ask questions. Mostly, that job fell to Justin and that night eventually he said, "Brian?" "What do you want to know?" Brian replied. He knew a question when he heard one.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but you know I want to know everything about you," Justin said, "It's not really any of my business but a little over two years ago, you didn't know me and Gus had not been born yet. If you loved Mikey more than anybody else in the world…?"

"Why didn't something happen between me and Mikey?" Brian finished Justin's question. "Yeah," Justin responded, "You had to know that Mikey wanted something to happen. Brian, I'm not trying to pry. Don't tell me if you don't want to."

"I don't have any secrets from you," Brian assured him, "I don't want to have any secrets from you. Maybe I have some secrets from myself though. You're asking 'Why?' and I never asked myself that question. I knew it wouldn't happen. I didn't want it to happen. I really think Michael knew it wouldn't happen, too, and I don't think he really wanted it to happen either. He thought he did, but I don't think he ever…. I'm sorry, Sunshine. I'm sounding like some psychologist and I'm not a psychologist. Maybe Ben could explain it but I don't think I can. It's that damn fireplace. It makes me garrulous. Remember, that was one of the words you missed when you were practicing for the SAT."

Justin smiled. "I certainly do remember - Garrulous: habitually talkative; loquacious; wordy; prolix;" he recited. "No wonder you got 1500 on the SAT," Brian marveled, "You're a smart little twinkie."

"Brian" Justin said, "We should stop this discussion. I apologize. I never should have asked that dumb question. Maybe the fireplace makes me garrulous too." Brian's smile grew broader. He was really in love with that "smart little twinkie" but he couldn't pass up a snappy retort.

"It's not the fireplace with you," Brian pointed out, "You're always garrulous." They laughed together and then silence returned to the loft.

It was Brian who broke the quiet this time. "Baby, I've learned a lot about myself since I met you. Maybe now I can figure out why it didn't happen. I don't think it's very flattering to me. Do you want to hear it?" "No," Justin answered but Brian went on just the same. Maybe the fireplace did make him garrulous. He seemed to want to tell the story.

"I knew some couples; they were mostly hetero back then but one gay couple too. They were 'in love' for a while, sex and all, then they broke up and they hated each other. They might have been friends for life if they hadn't fallen in love. I only had one good friend and that was Mikey. I loved Mikey but he was the only friend I had. If we had fallen 'in love' we could have broken up and hated each other like the other couples. I needed Mikey and I needed his family. My own family gave me more unhappiness than anything else. They didn't love me. They acted like they didn't even want me. Debbie was more of a mother to me than my own mother and you know about my dad. Vic was healthy then and he really did the father thing for me and Mikey. He was gay and he knew Mike and me were gay too before Debbie did. He wasn't always in town, he lived in New York for a while, but he was around enough to be a big help to us. If I had lost Mikey, I might have lost the others too. I just couldn't take a chance on being 'in love' with Mikey, no matter how much I loved him. Sex was a different matter. I couldn't do without sex then like I can now."

Justin laughed at that remark although there were tears in his eyes. Brian continued: "Sex wasn't all that hard to find. I told you once about my first time. But sex was separate from love for me so Michael was not available. I couldn't risk falling in love with him. If I had sex with people I didn't love and didn't try to become friends with, I was safe. Later, when I became a big stud, I could have fallen in love. I could have easily survived a break up because there were so many other possibilities, but by then sex and love were completely disconnected for me, and I was interested in sex but not in love. Then you came along. We started with sex but I knew you were different from the start. You scared me. You were dangerous. You were the one who could bring love and sex back together for me. I didn't want that. I wasn't ready for that. I fought it and lost, thank God. You know the rest." Brian had never opened himself up like that to anyone before, Justin felt pretty sure. He had never talked that way to Justin before. Justin embraced Brian and thought he detected a tear in Brian's eye. He knew there were tears in his own.

"Then if something happened to me," Justin said, "Maybe something could happen between you and Michael since you've got things figured out now. You're not dependent on anybody like that any more."

"Maybe," Brian replied. "But I am dependent on you. I don't know exactly how but I am. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you that. I don't know how well I could survive losing you and I don't know if I'd ever want anybody else. Sex, yes. Love, no, I think."

"I'm more dependent on you than you could ever be on me," Justin insisted, "We tried the break up bit once and it almost killed me, and I don't think it worked for you either."

"We just didn't communicate. That was our problem. That break up should never have happened," Brian said, "We both know that now. W e won't have another break up as long as we can communicate."

"Then we're keeping the fireplace," Justin concluded, "and we will be as garrulous as necessary. That's Garrulous: habitually talkative, loquacious…" The definition was interrupted when Brian leaned over and kissed him. Justin was not at all insulted by the interruption. He just kissed Brian back.

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