You Can't Go Home Again

It was past midnight when the guys walked into the loft. Brian was a bit surprised when Justin immediately lit the fake fireplace and then beckoned him over to their usual spot on the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he started – even before they were completely situated. “That was a mistake…..”

“Why was it a mistake, Baby?” Brian asked him in return. “Things went OK, I thought….”

“You know what, Brian?” Justin proceeded. “Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself ….”

“I think you always think you know me better than I know myself,” Brian grinned an interruption. “But I don’t think….”

“I’m serious, Kinney,” Justin replied quickly. “Something is bothering you and I think I know what it is. It was dumb going to Babylon tonight. I shouldn’t have….”

“Well we only went because those three pals of Jason’s were performing there tonight – though why Babylon ever booked a fully-clothed rockabilly band is beyond me,” Brian recounted. “I guess I’m out of the loop these days – never had a ‘Hillbilly Night’ at Babylon in my days. Now if we had actually gone to hear the music, I would agree that was a mistake. They might be real good at what they do but…..”

“That’s not what I’m talking about at all,” Justin insisted. “It’s just that ….”

“Hey, Taylor,” Brian interrupted again. “It wasn’t all your idea for us to go to Babylon anyhow. Jason wanted to go – to support his friends - and I can see why he wanted you to come with him – Jason should never be allowed to go to Babylon by himself – or maybe anywhere else either - but Brandon knows that too - so he had to come along to protect Jason - and he also wanted me there – so I was kinda stuck – but the whole thing was not your fault – I was always OK about going - and I didn’t have all that rotten a time either – in fact….. But I hope that’s not what your talking about – you can’t be upset because I enjoyed myself - I saw some old pals like Joe and Ken ….”

“Gee whiz, Brian,” Justin protested. “You know I wouldn’t be upset because you had a good time – within reason of course….”

“I do everything within reason nowadays, JT,” Brian said. “Seems like the best thing….”

“So I was right after all, Brian,” Justin pointed out. “You’ve been thinking all night - and I know what about. You were thinking about how you missed the old days before – like before I showed up and ruined them for you. I can always tell when you’re thinking about stuff…..”

“Well maybe you can tell when I’m thinking about stuff, Kiddo,” Brian smiled at him. “But you’re not so good at figuring out what I’m thinking about. I think that’s a real plus. But yeah, I was thinking about the old days – and wondering why I wasted so much time at Babylon for all those years. I can’t even remember what I was thinking then. Like - I should have got out of there a couple of years sooner but…..”

“Wait a minute, Kinney,” Justin corrected him. “If you had got out of there a couple of years sooner, you wouldn’t have been around when I got there….”

“So you’d have ended up with Mikey or Ted or Emmett,” Brian projected, “or somebody you never even got to meet because you saw me first…..”

“If you’re trying to scare me, Kinney,” Justin laughed, “that won’t work. If you’re trying to be funny, you’re having more luck. But the truth is I’d have found you – wherever you were I’d have found you and…”

“Well Sweetheart,” Brian proposed, “you know where I am now…..”

That seemed like an invitation to Justin who was only too happy to accept it. There followed an extended pause – evidence that however whatever happened, it worked out well for both of them.

“Did you notice anything different about Oswaldo tonight?” Brian eventually continued. “I thought I did….”

“Well the big stud of Babylon used to always tell you how stupid you were to give all that up for me,” Justin recalled, “and he used to make fun of me….”

“But he was civil to me all night tonight,” Brian told him, “almost even friendly – or as friendly as anybody could ever expect the big ‘O’ to be – and while Brandon and I were talking to Joe and Ken about the old days I thought I saw you actually talking to the monster….”

“You know you saw me talking to Oswaldo, Kinney,” Justin laughed. “I saw you see me…..”

“But you never told me what he said, Taylor,” Brian pointed out. “Verbose as you usually are, you never mentioned what you were talking about. I thought maybe you didn’t want to say anything around Brandon and Jason – but Brandon and Jason aren’t here now. The great Oswaldo treated Brandon like he treated me and that’s a big change too…..”

“Yeah I noticed that too, Brian,” Justin agreed….”

“Which does not – of course- inform me at all about what you and Oswaldo were talking about, does it?” Brian pointed out.

“Guess not, Brian,” Justin grinned. “It was a strange conversation for sure. Like philosophical – it’s hard to think of Oswaldo as being philosophical. He asked me what the hell I did to get you to give up this life – that he now enjoys so much – he said he was just curious….”

“Now that answer will interest me, Sweetheart,” Brian grinned back. “As much as it interested Oswaldo. Please go on…..”

“You are pretty inquisitive, Kinney,” Justin told him. “But I guess I have to tell you or you’ll never give up. I told him that what I thought you wanted was a home with – like – real love in it – real love - and that’s what I tried to give you….”

”And Oswaldo did not roar with laughter, JT?” Brian seemed surprised. “That’s hard to believe….”

“Nope,” Justin said. “He just told me that he had a home once - and you can’t go home again…..”

“To which you replied?” Brian wanted to know, “This was a really strange conversation all right….”

“I told him that you usually can go home again,” Justin recounted. “And if you can’t go home again, you can always make a new home. You just gotta really want it - and try…..”

“That’s my Justin standing up to big bad Ozzie, Babe,” Brian laughed. “Did that shut him up?”

“Almost Bri,” Justin recalled. “He just said ‘And Brian Kinney wanted that?’ – and I told him to ask you….”

“And that did it?” Brian prompted. “But he never asked me anything like that….”

“I didn’t think he would, Bri,” Justin allowed. “He just said ‘Shit’ and walked away….”….

Brian pulled the kid closer – choosing not to respond verbally at that point. Justin was satisfied with that tacit response and it was a while before anything else was said. Then:

“Hey, Brian,” Justin resumed the conversation with a question – while still comfortably resting his head on Brian’s shoulder. “Do you really think I could ever have been happy with Mikey or Ted or Emmett – or anybody else at all - if I hadn’t found you like – despite all my searching?”

“Nope,” Brian smiled at him. “Knowing you, I’m pretty sure you would have found me wherever I tried to hide – but if by some really bad luck you didn’t find me, I bet you’d have had a miserable unfulfilled life - with hardly a moment of happiness.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking, Bri,” Justin told him. “It would have been awful, I bet…. And what about you – if you hadn’t been at Babylon that night and we …?”

“Geez, Baby,” Brian replied, “I’d probably have been even more miserable than you. How’s that for an answer?”

“That’s just what I was thinking too ….” Justin mumbled – seemingly satisfied - as he drifted off to sleep - in the arms of a still-smiling Brian.

But Brian found himself wondering just a little bit too - if – just maybe – all of that semi-humorous speculation might not have been a possibility. Then he remembered that it hadn’t happened that way - and he pulled the sleeping twink a little closer – and felt a little better. And he knew he was home.
 

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