Guilt


 

As the guys settled themselves in front of their fake fireplace one evening, they were aware that it had been several days since they had done that. Brian had been working on a big project at work, which had finally been successfully concluded, so that some sense of normalcy could return to the loft. But what really was normalcy for the loft?

“It’s been a while since we were able to sit down like this in front of the fire,” Justin announced.

“Yeah it has,” Brian agreed. “I’m really sorry I’ve been so busy at the office. I guess I had to do it but I do feel a little bit guilty about neglecting you. You know how important you are to me. I think maybe I feel more than a little bit guilty about neglecting you. I’ll try to make it up to you though. I will.”

“Gee whiz, Bri,” Justin responded with some surprise. “I don’t want you to feel guilty at all. I know that you had to work on that account. It’s a big one and it could lead to some other clients too. I’m as happy as you are about how well Kinnetics is doing. We’re going to be rich someday. I don’t want you to feel guilty. You weren’t neglecting me at all. I know that.”

“We’re already rich, Baby,” Brian laughed. “We’ve got plenty of money but we have each other too and that’s what makes us really rich.”

“Wow, Brian,” Justin gushed. “I never thought you were neglecting me at all, but even if I did, which I don’t, that would make up for it. Not that you should feel guilty at all.”

“I still do though. Maybe it’s just because I do feel a little guilty, Baby,” Brian reasoned. “But I thought you sounded disappointed earlier. You just didn’t sound like you. Is something the matter?”

“No I wasn’t disappointed at all,” Justin insisted. “I don’t think anything’s the matter. Everything’s OK.”

“Well I still think something’s going on,” Brian insisted back. “Something is bothering you. Even if I do have to neglect you every once in a while, I still know you pretty well, Kiddo, and something is wrong. I think you should tell me what it is?”

“I just thought maybe you were mad at me,” Justin confessed. “You said during dinner that you had talked to your mother.”

“Talking with my mother would make me mad at you?” Brian wanted to know. “Something is awry, my pet. You better go on.”

“You’ve been busy a good bit of the past week, Bri,” Justin did go on. “I know you had a good reason and I wasn’t disappointed or anything but I did have some extra time, so I went over to my mother’s place and did a few minor repair jobs for her. Women aren’t good at fixing stuff, you know. Then I thought about your mother and I stopped over at her place while I had our tools with me. She had a few things that needed to be done so I did them for her. I know you like to do that stuff for your mother but I had the time and so I just thought….”

“Justin Taylor,” Brian smiled at him. “You’re feeling guilty. That’s what the problem is. You’re feeling guilty. That’s why you think I might be mad at you.”

“And you are mad at me too, Bri,” Justin assumed. “You just called me ‘Justin.’ You only call me ‘Justin’ when you’re mad at me.”

“Wrong,” Brian informed the kid. “It may be true that I only call you ‘Justin’ when I’m mad at you. I’m not even admitting that, but ‘Justin Taylor’ is not the same as ‘Justin’ without the ‘Taylor.’ ‘Justin Taylor’ only means that I’m surprised at you. And I am surprised that you’re feeling guilty.”

“I never said I felt guilty, Bri” Justin maintained. “I said I was afraid that your mother told you I was over there, and that you’d be mad at me.”

“Actually she did tell me you were over there,” Brian told him. “And she told me about all the things you fixed. And she told me how great you are, and how lucky I was to find you and have you around. She even said she couldn’t see what a great kid like you could see in a nasty old guy like me.”

“And you weren’t mad at all that I went over there without you and fixed her stuff?” Justin responded.

“Of course I wasn’t mad,” Brian smiled. “How could I be mad when I was lucky enough to get such a great guy to fall in love with me? What it did do though, was make me feel a little more guilty about neglecting that wonderful guy. OK, I guess we were both feeling guilty. Let’s forget this conversation so far, and just start over again.”

“You want me to forget this conversation?” Justin laughed. “You told me you were rich because you have me. You told me you were lucky to get a great guy like me to fall in love with you. And now you want me to forget the conversation and start over. Not a chance, Brian Kinney. We do not forget any conversations where you say things like that. You should be ashamed of even making such a suggestion.”

“So you want me to feel guilty about making an innocent suggestion?” Brian joked.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Justin joked back. “I guess a little well-placed guilt is OK, every once in a while.”

“Which means that you’ll still feel guilty when you try to pull one of your crazy plots on me,” Brian concluded. “Well-placed guilt if I ever knew of any such.”

“OK, Mr. Brian,” Justin smiled archly. “You are right as usual. I will continue to feel guilty when I try one of my crazy plots on you. At least as guilty as I usually feel when I try one of my crazy plots on you.”

“So you’re admitting the existence of these crazy plots?” Brian surmised.

“Not at all,” Justin replied. “All I said is that I’d feel guilty if I ever did try some crazy plot on you.”

The conversation died out and they fell into one of their extended quiet periods, which so often punctuated their talks in front of the fire.

It was Brian who eventually resumed the conversation. “You aren’t trying to pull one of your crazy plots on me now, are you?” he asked the kid. “This discussion seems like maybe you are. You wouldn’t have needed to, Baby. You could have got what you wanted just by playing on my guilt about neglecting you.”

“Not as much fun as hatching a crazy plot,” Justin teased. “But I haven’t asked for anything, and I don’t want you to do anything except sit here with me, so why should I waste a crazy plot?”

“Well, I’m confused,” Brian remarked resignedly.

“Gee whiz, Bri,” Justin confided. “All I really wanted was for you to get that contract stuff settled so we could get back together in front of the fireplace and get things back to normal.”
“And since I’m confused, I guess you think things are back to normal?” Brian wondered.

“Should I feel guilty?” Justin grinned, answering the question with one of his own.

“Not at all,” Brian answered.

And that concluded the discussion for the night. Things were indeed back to normal.

 

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