How, Why, When

Brian and Justin had a new fireplace in the loft, a gift from a very satisfied client of Brian's. It was state of the art, electric with no venting needed, clean, and requiring no fuel except that provided by the electric switch. Brian thought it looked chintzy in daylight and Justin saw it as a source of toasted marshmallows, but at night when it was the only light in the loft, it seemed to be magic. Brian found he could tell Justin things in the firelight that he thought he would never be able to say to anyone, and Justin knew that. Occasionally they would sit together on the floor facing the fire in the otherwise darkened loft and talk. Both of them treasured the experience. There were lots of things that Justin wanted to know, and the fireplace offered the opportunity to pursue subjects he didn't think he could bring up at any other time.

On one such occasion, they were sitting together on the floor, facing the fire, backs against the couch, and cuddled together. They had just finished watching a romantic movie on TV. It wasn't a very good movie but it had set Justin to thinking and that could be dangerous.

Nothing had been said until Justin asked Brian: "Is there such a thing as love at first sight?"

"Why don't you ask the munchers?" Brian asked him back.

"Because I want to know what you think, and nobody knows what you think except you, and sometimes me," Justin replied.

"Well, Sunshine," Brian answered, "I only fell in love once and it wasn't at first sight."

"I only fell in love once too, "Justin said, "Maybe it was at first sight. I thought when you came over to me under the lamppost that you were going to be the one. Then I was with you at the hospital with Gus and then all night. I knew by the time you took me back to school the next morning that I was in love with you. Is that first sight or not?"

"I don't think we need to be that technical," Brian smiled, "But you sure made my life a living hell for a while after that."

"I'll admit to being an inexperienced stalker," Justin remembered, "But I thought maybe you loved me too. When you threw me out of the loft the next night, I thought I'd die. I thought I had lost you forever."

"So then you showed up the next night at Babylon and started dancing half naked and tried to seduce the two guys I had picked out for myself?" Brian wondered.

It was Justin's turn to smile: "That was Daphne's idea to come back after you, not mine, and I wasn't half naked. I just had my shirt off. And as I recall, I did seduce the two guys you had picked out for yourself but then you came and got me. Why did you do that? Why did you come and get me?"

"Do I have to tell?" Brian asked. "You do if you don't want nagged to death, and I am a good nagger," Justin warned him.

Brian nodded in assent. "Okay," Brian finally said, "So it all comes out. I had thousands of tricks before you, Babe, and none of them ever meant a thing to me. I never cared if I ever saw them again. Actually, I didn't want to see them again. And then you came along. You were different - special in some way - special in a lot of ways. I liked you. I didn't want someone to like. People you like can hurt you. You were too young for me anyhow, and I thought I would be bad for you. I hoped if I could stay away from you, I could forget you. Maybe I could have but you wouldn't let me. When I saw those guys with you at Babylon, I couldn't stand it. They were good enough for me but they weren't good enough for you. I didn't want them touching you. That's why I came and got you."

"Did you love me way back then?" Justin asked.

"I don't think so. Remember I told you that I did not believe in love. I didn't. I didn't want there to be such a thing as love, at least for me," Brian responded, "I did feel a responsibility though since it was me you were chasing, and feeling responsible was a new thing for me. It was actually scary. I liked having you around but I was also hoping that you'd go away. Then a whole bunch of shit happened and you ended up living with me and I tried to hold you at arms length and discourage your chasing me. That was tough because I really liked having you around, against my better judgment, I might add."

"And then you threw me out of the loft, and I ran off to New York, with your credit card so that you could track me down. I was so scared you wouldn't come after me. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't," Justin added.

"I would have come anyhow, but I was lucky and Debbie and Daphne put a lot of pressure on me. That made it easy. It looked like I only went to New York to satisfy them. I was worried about you though and I would have found some reason to come and bring you back," Brian admitted, "I might have been in love with you then but I sure didn't know it, but I did know I wanted to protect you and that was new enough to me."

"But I kept chasing you after that, and you still kept discouraging me, even after I was living at Debbie's. If you liked me…?" Justin said.

"That was just the point," Brian responded, "I did like you. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with you. I didn't think a match up of you and me would be good for you or me. I was willing to take a chance myself, but I was not willing to take that chance for you. I didn't want to ruin your life. I did not want to give you up but I thought I had to - for your own good."

"But you were going to New York for that new job. Was that to get away from me too?" Justin wanted to know.

"Well, it was a good business opportunity. I knew I loved you then, and I thought getting out of town was the only way I could give you up. I really loved you enough by then to give you up if that was best for you, and I thought it was," Brian replied, "You know, Baby, when that job fell through, I considered going to New York anyhow, and finding some job up there. That's why I didn't tell anybody that I didn't get the job. A lot of the gang thought I didn't say anything so that Michael would go to Portland with David, but it was really all about you."

"But in the end you didn't go. What changed your mind?" Justin wondered.

"Remember that day in the loft when I told you I was going and was never going to look back. Then I held you and told you I wanted you to do the same thing. Well, I didn't want to forget you and I didn't want you to forget me. I just couldn't go. I don't think I could have gone even if that great job had come through. Then I gave up and showed up at your prom."

"Skip that part," Justin interrupted him, "It took a long time but I think we're both over that - unless you want to talk about it."

"No," Brian told him, "I think I've finally got that out of my system. You got over that business quicker and better than I did. I think you're tougher than I am."

"Oh you're tough, Brian, you really are, but you had guilt to deal with too. You shouldn't have felt guilty but you did and you wouldn't give yourself a break. You're a lot tougher on yourself than on anyone else. That's why you kept pushing me away right up to the Rage party."

"You're right," Brian agreed, "And I'm glad you kept chasing me. I'm really glad you caught me although I sometimes imagine that it was me catching you. I wonder though why you didn't give up. There were a lot of other guys who would have made it easier for you."

"I didn't want any other guys," Justin insisted, "I wanted you. There's a soft side of Brian Kinney that I saw on that very first night. That's when I fell in love whether it was first sight or not. You never showed that to anyone else."

"Nobody ever looked for it either," Brian said, "You want to know when I fell in love with you and I can't tell you the exact second. It wasn't a lightning bolt for me like it was for you. You somehow knew there was a possibility that I didn't believe in so it was easier for you. I do love you now and I am able to tell you that. Do you need to know more?"

"I don't think so," Justin replied, "But if I do, I expect to have a very long time to find out." "And a fireplace," he thought to himself.

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