Protective Instincts

Brian was alone in the loft. He was angry with himself. Every time Justin was out, especially at night, in his new car, Brian felt unjustifiably concerned. He had tried reasoning with himself. Justin was almost twenty years old. He was a mature, level-headed kid. He was a good driver. He was all of those things but above all, as far as Brian was concerned, he was Brian's responsibility and Brian was not there to protect him. Brian knew that was irrational. He knew he had to get over this nervousness. Brian was nevertheless still unjustifiably concerned.

This was a new feeling for Brian and he didn't like it. He decided to light Justin's fireplace and try to lose himself watching the fake flames. It didn't work. "Is this how parents feel when their kids are out at night?" he wondered, and decided it probably was. Brian knew where Justin was and whom he was with, but that didn't seem to help. Justin had told him that he would probably be back by 8:00 and it was now nearly nine. He had told Brian that he might be later and not to worry if he was. Brian was still worried.

Now Justin had taken his mother and Molly out to dinner to celebrate Jennifer's birthday. They had gone to the new Homestead Waterfront, to one of the many new restaurants there. It was less than five miles from the loft. Brian had been invited to go along but he thought it would be nice to give Jen some time alone with both her children.

He wished now that he had gone. He had tried subtly to find out from Justin which of the many restaurants they were going to, but Justin wanted to leave that decision to his mother and since they were going fairly early, they didn't think reservations would be necessary. Brian thought that if he just knew the restaurant he could call and see if they were there. But he knew he wouldn't have done that, and possibly embarass the kid who deserved so much more confidence than Brian was able to muster. He thought about calling the hospitals, or trying to find out if there had been any accidents. He knew he was being illogical, but knowing that did not fix it, or even help much.

"It's only 9:00," he told himself, "And he's with his mother, and I'm still worried about him. I must be crazy. What if it were midnight and I didn't know where he was or who he was with? How in hell could I handle that? The kid deserves the freedom to come and go when he wants to, so I can't ever let him know what a nervous wreck it makes me. My Justin would stay home when he wanted to be out just to spare me any worry. He wouldn't be like the kids who do what they want and tell their parents to go to hell."

"Jeez," Brian thought, "Poor Craig. He loved Justin. I know now that he really did. He made a big mess of the situation or things would have been a lot better for him and Justin. Justin is a special kid. He didn't want to hurt his dad. But how his dad must have worried when he was out all night with me. They didn't know where he was or whom he was with. He could have been with a sexual predator. He was only seventeen then."

Brian smiled to himself, "I guess he was with a sexual predator, but at least not one who beat him up or even worse." Brian was reminded of the dumpster boy.

The whole thing was getting to be too much for Brian. Then he thought he heard the elevator outside the loft. He held his breath until he heard a key in the lock. The door opened and there stood Justin looking as safe and healthy as could be, but with an unhappy look on his face.

"Oh Brian," Justin exclaimed as he ran across the room and threw his arms around Brian, "I have to talk to you. I need your help." " Brian, you're shivering," he cried, "It's warm in here and you have the fireplace going and you're still shivering. I'm scared. Maybe we should call the doctor or go to the emergency room."

"Let's try this my way," Brian smiled at him. "Sit down on my lap here on the couch and let me keep my arms around you and we'll sit together for a while under the blanket. I think that will do the trick"

"I'm not going to object to that at all, but I don't see how…." Justin said before Brian interrupted. "Trust me," Brian assured him, "This is just what I need. This will work." So they tried Brian's solution.

"Where shall I put my head?" Justin asked Brian. "Why don't you just lay in on the table over there?" Brian laughed at him and Justin kissed Brian. "I'll just lay it right here on your shoulder. I sure don't know what's going on here but I like it anyhow. I came home with a problem and just being with you helps. Maybe I should take credit for curing your shivers too," Justin said. "Maybe you should," Brian told Justin with an irony that Justin would not understand.

"Tell me about your evening," Brian asked him. "I'm going to save the problem till last," Justin said, "We ate at the Italian restaurant. It was great. It wasn't 'all you can eat ' but the portions were so huge that I'm not sure I could have had seconds anyway," "You could have," Brian told him, squeezing him around the middle, "And you'd still be as scrawny as ever." "I'm not going to argue with you about your insults," Justin laughed, "It might start you shivering again."

"Well it was 10:00 when you got home. That took a lot of eating," Brian stated. "We were done eating by seven, Lover-Boy," Justin informed him, "There was a movie that Molly wanted to see playing at the megaplex across from the restaurant, so we decided to go. I thought maybe I should call you to tell you we were going but I didn't think you'd worry about me when I was with my mother."

"Why should I worry about a mature adult like you are?" Brian asked. "You shouldn't," Justin agreed, "But I wouldn't mind if you worried just a little bit." "OK," Brian assured him, "I'll try to worry about you but just a little bit next time." "Thanks," Justin said, and kissed him again. Brian truly hoped he could keep that promise.

"Brian," Justin started on a new topic, "The movies the kids are seeing these days are terrible. Molly should never have been seeing that movie tonight. She's twelve years old. What will the kids be doing next?" "I can't imagine." Brian answered, "Maybe they'll come down to Liberty Avenue and pick up some middle aged predators."

"I wish you would not bring up things that are not pertinent to the discussion we are having," Justin admonished him, "But that's all right, Brian. I always know that if I want to discuss something serious, I can call Mikey." "But I do have a problem I hope you will take seriously," Justin continued. "Tell me about it," Brian urged him.

"Molly has a boy friend, Brian. She's only twelve and she has a boy friend." Justin complained, "Mother says it's nothing to worry about but she's only twelve. He's taking her to the dance at school. It's in the afternoon and it will be well chaperoned, but it worries me and I don't like it. Maybe if she were fourteen or fifteen, but she's only twelve, and I think it's more than just the dance."

"Sunshine, older people always seem to have to worry about younger people. It's like sometimes the older people don't think younger people should have lives of their own." Brian advised him, "The older people have to grow up just like the younger ones do. Young people can't learn to be adults if they're not given enough freedom to try new things, even if they fail at them. Molly needs to learn how to deal with boys, and this is how she'll learn. Your mother is a very wise woman, Baby. She stuck by you and she'll stick by Molly. You're perfect and Molly will be all right too. Remember, you wanted a permanent commitment with me when you were seventeen. That's only five years older than Molly is now. And I was 29, twelve years older than you. I'm assuming that Molly's boy friend is not 24."

Justin laughed, "He's twelve, too. I know I'm crazy to be worried but I am. You couldn't understand." "Yes I can," Brian answered, "Believe me, I can."

"Please help me get over this, Brian," Justin pleaded, "I am so dumb." "You are not dumb, Sunshine. What would I want with some dumb kid who didn't know shit?"

Justin remembered saying those words himself a while back and he smiled. "Brian, you can make me feel better just being around you. Did you ever make crazy mistakes and do crazy things like I do?" he asked. "Yes I did, but not recently" Brian lied. That was a white lie and Brian didn't think it counted. "But you'll learn, Baby, you'll learn, and it will get better," Brian assured him, "And I'm still learning too."

Now that was the truth but Brian was happy that Justin did not know just how true it was.

"Don't worry about me Brian. I will learn and you'll help me," Justin whispered to Brian as he put his arms around Brian's neck. "We'll help each other," Brian thought but did not say, "But I'll always worry about you."

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