Going Back

Brian could see that Justin was disturbed as they were having dinner in the loft. They had ordered Chinese in. That was usually a favorite of Justin's but he was nibbling at his food and his conversation was listless and disinterested. When there was no enthusiasm in Justin, something was wrong. Brian did not know whether to bring up the subject or not, but he decided to wait for Justin to tell him. Brian was sure that Justin would eventually confide in him. He knew that Justin trusted him and would sooner or later let him know what the problem was.

It was later, cuddled up by the fireplace that Justin finally opened up. "Brian, I need your advice," Justin said. "Don't you always get plenty of advice from me without asking?" Brian responded. "Yeah," Justin agreed, breaking into a slight smile, "But most of it I don't need, and some of it I don't want. This time I really need your help."

"That is, in part at least, exactly what I'm here for," Brian told the kid, pulling him closer to himself, "Maybe you'd like to tell me what you need my advice about. That would help, I think."

"Brian, Honey, Do you remember my last year at the Academy?" Justin asked. "I do," Brian remembered, "But wouldn't we both be better off if we forgot that? That was then and this is now."

"Remember when Daphne and I tried to start a Gay-Straight Alliance? You helped me and Debbie helped me and we finally got the senator involved," Justin went on.

"Baby, they were bad days for you. Why are you dredging up all that old stuff now?" Brian wanted to know, "You won that battle with a push from the politicians and the TV but it was still a bad experience for you. That's when a lot of us learned just how tough you are, though. We were all so proud of you then and some of us even fell in love with you. What's going on? It's not like you to be bothered by something that far back?"

"Brian," Justin told him, "The Gay-Straight Alliance at St. James has turned out to be pretty successful. A couple of teachers there agreed to sponsor it and it has a lot of members. Some of the kids have come out as being gay and they are having a much easier time than I had. It turned out to be a great thing for the Academy."

"And that's why you're shaking in my arms right now - because the Gay-Straight Alliance at St. James has turned out to be successful?" Brian inquired.

Justin smiled at him. "No, Silly. I may be young and inexperienced but I'm not stupid." Justin replied, "Bobby Glass is president this year. I knew him from the Academy, not real well because he was a couple of years behind me, but I did know him. Actually, he's straight but he has been a great booster for the club. He called me a few weeks ago and asked me if I would come back and talk to the Alliance. I was a little bit scared about that but I told him I would if they wanted me to. Then I asked him if he had permission from the headmaster to invite me. He said he thought so, but he would check I should have told you about it then but nothing was definite and I didn't really expect I'd actually ever be going."

"Don't tell me the bastard doesn't want you back in that building," Brian growled. "That's not it, Brian. That wouldn't scare me at all. It's way worse than that," Justin responded, "He wants me to speak to the whole school in assembly. They want to declare me a Distinguished Alumnus because of the success of Rage and my part in getting the Alliance started."

Brian was not expecting that. He didn't answer Justin for a while and they just sat gazing at the fake flames. Justin felt relieved that Brian knew what the situation was. Just having Brian in it with him was a relief for Justin. Brian squeezed Justin even closer and Justin seemed to lose the tenseness that Brian had felt in him earlier. Brian knew that the kid had confidence in his ability to help. That made Brian both proud and happy, but he wished it also made him wise enough to provide that expected help.

Brian kissed Justin on the head. "I don't think you want me to tell you whether you should go or not, do you? I know you well enough to know you've already made up your mind about that, and I know what you've decided."

"I have to go, Brian. You know I have to go. Those kids - especially the gay kids - need to see me. I don't give a shit about being a Distinguished Alumnus for myself but it might mean something to some of them. I want to support those kids, and it might be a boost for the Gay-Straight Alliance too. I want you to tell me how not to be scared." Justin answered.

"Can I tell you something, Sunshine?" Brian said, "I love you, but that's not my fault. I don't know how that happened. I'm glad about it but I don't know how it happened. But I've told you that before. Have I ever told you that I also like you and that I really admire you? I wish I had as much character as you have and I'd be satisfied to be half as brave?"

Justin climbed up on Brian's lap and kissed him. He was smiling and crying at the same time. "You can't imagine how great your saying that makes me feel," he told Brian, "I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I may be the happiest kid on the face of the earth. But, Brian, when are you going to tell me how not to be scared?"

"Did I ever tell you how much I admire your realism too? You never lose sight of the goal," Brian laughed. "How do you think I ever got you?" Justin laughed back at him. And they sat for another while staring at the flames.

"OK, Sunshine. Let's get down to business," Brian declared, "Daphne will have to go with you. She helped found your Gay-Straight Alliance and she should be there. She may not be a Distinguished Alumna because she doesn't scribble funny pictures for a comic strip but the kids should see her too. So you won't be facing the crowd alone."

"That's good, Brian," Justin sounded pleased, "That will help."

"And now my dear Sunshine," Brian added, "Maybe you won't be quite so happy to hear this. I'm coming too, and your mother and Molly, Debbie and Vic, and as many of the others as can make it." "No, Brian," Justin started to say.

Brian interrupted, "I'm not going as your lover. I'm going as your friend. Your mother will want to see her son declared a Distinguished Alumnus and she deserves to. She stood by you when you needed her - remember all the trouble you always said you caused her. She needs to see something good happen to you. Debbie helped you with the Alliance. The rest of the gang loves you too. They better not try loving you as much as I do, but they love you and I allow them to do that. Maybe the senator will be able to come too. We're just going to sit in the back of the auditorium and watch you wow those kids. But we are going to be with you to support you all the way. You won't need us but we are so proud of you we have to be there."

"Well maybe I'll do like the Oscar telecasts and thank you all." Justin threatened, "I can get them to throw the spotlight on each of you while I thank you and describe in great detail what you have done for me."

"Only if you want to be a dead Distinguished Alumnus," Brian threatened back, "You'll be sorry if you try a trick like that. And don't tell me you won't be sorry, because if you aren't sorry, you will certainly be sore, I can assure you of that, my beloved little monster."

Justin kissed Brian and got kissed back. "I'm not afraid of you," Justin bragged, "And Brian, thanks a lot. I don't think I could ever live without you. I'm not afraid of going back either."

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