Looking Back

There was no January thaw in Pittsburgh. It had been cold and icy just about every day of the month so the fireplace was welcome for the heat it provided. It did not always provide significant discussion between the residents of the loft but often it did. So some nights were just for cuddling and others were for talking. Brian and Justin enjoyed both kinds of nights but this one was of the latter variety.

"Well the holidays are over, Sunshine. I had a great time," Brian told Justin, "I hope you did too." "Well I didn't get the hustler you promised," Justin smiled at him" "You know, Baby, I like to joke about the hustler," Brian answered him, "But I don't think I like you joking about a hustler. I don't like the thought of you with anybody else so I guess I'm the only hustler I want you to get."

"You didn't always think that," Justin laughed, "And you're not a hustler, but if I can have you, I don't want anybody else." "That suits me fine," Brian responded, "But for once can we have a serious discussion. I really want to know what was the best thing about the holidays for you." "You," Justin told him.

"But you had me before the holidays and you still have me now," Brian replied, "I'm talking about the holidays." "So am I," Justin maintained.

"I don't know how anybody can be so lovable as you are and still so aggravating," Brian pretended to grouch, "You know I like what you're saying but you are not answering the question I asked. I've learned a lot from you, like your dogged persistence, and I'm going to get the answers I'm asking for if it takes me all night."

"You're tough, Mr. Kinney," Justin teased him, "But I long for the old days when you were 'ridiculously romantic.'" "And you are a handful, Mr. Taylor," Brian scowled, "But I'm going to win this one."

"Just like you always do, Brian," Justin gave in, "I enjoyed everything we did during the holidays. It was the best Christmas season of my life. But I would not have enjoyed any of it without you. If you'll accept that, maybe we can talk about the details."

"I guess I have won then," Brian crowed. "So what's new about that, Brian? You're the boss, so whatever you want is always what we do," Justin replied, but Brian couldn't read the smile on Justin's face. "So I always win and I'm always right?" Brian declared. "Yep," Justin answered. Brian decided it would be best not to look this particular gift horse in the mouth.

"Well I would never have believed it if I hadn't lived it but playing Santa Claus was a real kick," Brian said, "Mikey and the gang couldn't believe it either. Mikey says you must be a witch to get me to do something like that."

"I had nothing to do with it. You volunteered when the suit was too big for me," Justin told him. "Is that how it happened?" Brian asked. "That's how it happened. I'm surprised you don't remember, but you don't seem to have that good of a memory. You couldn't even remember my name when you first met me," Justin pointed out. "I don't remember that," Brian answered. "See what I mean," Justin chortled. "Baby, I remembered your name from the first time I met you, but you didn't need to know that then," Brian responded, "But don't change the subject. We were talking about the holidays."

"The kids at the hospital were wonderful, and you were so good with them," Justin told Brian, "I know you can do anything you want to, but I was still really impressed."

"Maybe I got the Christmas spirit from the shopping we did together," Brian said. "I don't remember ever having done any Christmas shopping before and I know I never had any holiday spirit before. And I guess I have to admit you were right about decorating the loft too."

"The loft was beautiful, Brian, and most of it was your work," Justin answered. "But you made me do it, Sunshine. I've been in this loft six years now and it has never been decorated before. I was so happy when Gus made such a fuss about the lights. Lindsey said he was more impressed with our place than anywhere else that he visited over the holidays. Do you think I'll ever be a really good father?" Brian wondered.

"You already are, Brian," Justin told him, "And you're still getting better at the job." "I guess I had a lot of experience taking care of you," Brian commented, smiling at Justin. "Yeah, you did. I've needed a lot of help in the last few years and no one could have helped me more than you did. When I didn't have my father, you were always there." Justin admitted. Brian was still wondering about the smile on Justin's face. Usually he could read the kid's mind from his facial expression, but not this time.

"I can't get used to having a relationship with my mother either," Brian continued, "She seemed so happy to be with us on Christmas. Now that was a Christmas surprise. I don't remember her ever being happy before. I guess that was your doing too. I wonder if you could have done anything with my father. It would have been a tough job but I don't think I'd bet against you."

"I didn't do so well with my own dad," Justin replied wistfully. "You just didn't have enough time, Baby," Brian reminded him, "Everything would have worked out if you had just a little more time." "Probably," Justin agreed, "I do wish I could have met your dad though. There must have been something good about him to come up with a son as great as you."

"The guy you met under the lamppost was Jack Kinney's son, Sunshine," Brian said, "I don't know that I like that Brian Kinney very much any more. I think I'm a lot different now and you are responsible for the change." Brian put his arms around his little blond twink and held him as close as he could. Neither of them said anything. They just sat for a while gazing at the flames darting around in the fireplace.

They weren't saying anything but they were thinking

It was Brian who eventually broke the silence. "You are going to have to beware, Sunshine. I am getting better at figuring you out," he told Justin, "I'm soon going to be able to read you as well as you read me." "What are you talking about, Brian? What do you think I've done now?" "You've made me the happiest guy in the world and given me my first real Christmas," Brian answered, "That's what you've done."

Now the tables were turned and there was an enigmatic smile on Brian's face that Justin could not read. "Thanks Brian," he kind of muttered, "Why do I think there may be a 'however' coming after that though?"

"Sunshine, I can't remember any discussion we've ever had where you didn't do 75% of the talking, and you are usually very enthusiastic about talking - but tonight you don't have anything to say at all. You're just sitting there letting me rattle on with that silly smile on your face. I wondered about that," Brian said. He continued, "Now I was just thinking how much I enjoyed Christmas this year, and how much I enjoyed watching Gus having fun. I was thinking it was his first real Christmas. Straight guys have always told me about how much they enjoyed watching their kids at Christmas time but I didn't think much of it. Then I thought to myself that this was my own first real Christmas too, and when I looked over at you, I could read that smile. You're being the Dad this time around, aren't you?"

"Don't be mad at me Brian," Justin pleaded, "It was just that you seemed to be enjoying things so much - things that I was used to at Christmas time. It was really what I wanted most for this Christmas. Seeing you so happy was the best thing about this Christmas for me but I wasn't trying to play the dad or anything…. I hope you're not mad at me."

Brian faked a scowl and told the kid, "You're going to get what you deserve." But when Brian wrapped his arms around him and whispered "Thanks Dad" in his ear, Justin was pretty sure he was going to like what he deserved.

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