Useless Cousins

Malcolm had spent several hours that late afternoon in the loft, helping Justin install his elaborate Christmas decorations. Brian, whose decorating skills were considered to be somewhat underwhelming, had been relegated to the status of gofer. He held things, and handed things, and went and got things, and he did all of that with an unfailing good humor. People who knew the old Brian Kinney would have been astounded. There didn't seem to be much of the old Brian Kinney left. But there was.

The guys had turned on the fireplace and were resting comfortably in front of their fake flames. Brian figured his turn had come. "Malcolm said that Abelard was very pleased with his Christmas shopping expedition over the weekend," Brian said to Justin.

"Well he ought to have been," Justin replied. "He had about 20 people on his list and not many ideas about what to get them, so we really had to work from scratch, and we didn't even know some of the people we were buying for."

"But he went back to Columbus with everything he needed," Brian continued, "And he told Malcolm I was the best Christmas shopper in the world. Me! Brian Kinney! The best Christmas shopper in the world!"

"Nobody is likely to confuse Abelard with Albert Einstein, Brian," Justin chortled, "Anyone with half a brain would have seen that it was me picking out the stuff and not you. But he thinks you're the greatest at anything you do. If Abe were gay, I'd be worried."

"So nobody who thinks I'm the greatest could be confused with Albert Einstein," Brian allowed.

"That's not what I said at all," Justin laughed at him. "I think you're the greatest everything in the world too and I'm always getting compared to Albert Einstein."

"OK," Brian challenged jokingly, "You know I told Abe you were the world's best Christmas shopper even before he came here. Well while we were out buying everything in sight he told me he didn't think you were as good as I was at shopping. You want to hear his exact words. He said, 'Brian, I don't think that blond cousin you have staying with you is such a good shopper at all. He seems kind of useless to me.' They are his exact words."

"So I'm the useless blond cousin, am I?" Justin laughed. "I guess you agreed with him."

"No, I didn't," Brian responded, "I told him there were a lot of things you are very good at. I just didn't tell him what."

"Well at least we're done with Abelard for a while," Justin seemed to breathe easy.

"Well, maybe not," Brian informed him. "He did say that if his friends had trouble buying their gifts, he might bring them to town week end after next so that I could help them with their shopping too."

"That's a great idea, Bri," Justin countered, "And I'll help out by not going along so you can really do the choosing. You'll get a lot more done without your useless blond cousin that you have staying with you."

"You wouldn't do that?" Brian wondered.

"Get Albert Einstein to go with you," Justin suggested.

"Albert Einstein's dead," Brian insisted, "And you're alive, and you can still be alive when Christmas comes if you come along."

"You're the best arguer in the world, Brian Kinney," Justin opined as he mussed up Brian's hair with his hand.

"Second best," Brian told him as he returned the hair mussing favor.

That stopped the chatting for a while. It was just a little while though before Brian resumed the conversation.

"Are you going to get an ugly little Charlie Brown tree like you did last year?" Brian asked.

"Funny you should bring that up, Bri," Justin informed him," I thought you liked that so actually Mikey's coming by in half an hour and we're going to look for one. With all the decorating we did, we're ready for it now. But if you don't want one…"

"Oh no," Brian said, "Gus liked it so well that I hoped you'd want to do that again."

"And you liked it too, Bri," Justin, "You liked it about as much as Gus did. You know it's OK not to be mean old Brian Kinney every once in a while. Me and Mikey will get you a really ugly tree. You can count on me and Mikey."

"I have to admit that you and Mikey are the best at picking ugly trees," Brian affirmed.

It was a few minutes before Justin figured out what was going on. "Brian," he asked, "Do you want to come with Mikey and me when we go looking for the ugly tree?"

"Well I will if you need me," Brian said.

"I need you all the time, you nut," Justin told him, "Of course, we'll want you to come along. It's not easy picking an ugly tree and we need all the help we can get. Albert Einstein is dead so who better than you?"

Justin had to smile as the greatest guy in the world hastened into the bedroom to get ready to go out. "Brian Kinney going out to pick a Christmas tree! A Charlie Brown tree at that!" Justin wondered. Now Justin was beginning to feel mushy so he was glad when Michael arrived.

"OK, Boy Wonder," Mike exclaimed, "It's time to rescue some needy tree from the junk heap. Ready to go. We don't want all the ugly trees to be gone before we get ours."

"Not just the two of us though," Justin informed him, "I have this useless cousin who's coming along."

"I didn't know you had any cousins, Justin," Mikey was saying, as Brian emerged from the dressing area in a Christmassy outfit highlighted by a long bright red scarf."

"I heard what you said, Sunshine," Brian looked at Justin, and then turning to Michael, he continued, "Useless cousin Brian at your service."

"Oh shit," Michael decided. "You guys are at it again. Do I have to know what the hell you nuts are doing now? Are you two always crazy like this or just when I'm here?"

"You're our inspiration, useless cousin Michael," Brian joked, "You bring out the best in us."

"I don't need to know any more about the useless cousin stuff," Michael replied, "But where the hell did you get that ugly red scarf. You look like Emmett."

"I am in the Christmas spirit, useless cousin Michael," Brian laughed, "And this neat scarf is an early Christmas present."

"Justin," Mikey wondered, "You didn't …?"

"Abelard," Justin told him, "It was the one thing he picked himself. He didn't want Brian to pick his own gift."

"But I thought you picked out all the gifts for Abelard," Michael questioned Justin.

"Forget it, Mikey," Justin cut him off. "You don't want to know. We're off to find a Charlie Brown tree. Just us three useless cousins. So let's go."

And so they went.

Justin had never been happier in his life.

Neither had Brian.

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