I Will Remember You

Chapter 19

~ The Storm ~

The Day After Thanksgiving

Brian looked over at Justin, who was busily going through Tee' backpack that he'd found in the trunk of the wrecked Saturn. They were in the jeep, heading back toward the Pitts. Nothing much had been said about the night before. Justin had seemed a bit preoccupied, but Brian didn't really think that so strange all things considered. Now they were both anxious to get home.

"Find anything interesting?" Brian asked.

Justin sighed, "A couple of books. One on writing fiction and another called 'Wright'" Justin spelled it out to indicate the difference. "A couple of throw away cameras. One's used the other almost done. There's a notebook with lots of stuff written in it. Probably notes on stuff he wants to write about." Justin sighed, again. "He's always getting ideas for stories and jotting them down before he forgets."

Justin opened the notebook and flipped through until he found the date Tee had left Carolina. "He's got a whole list of dates and places after he left. Looks like he was sight seeing his way west."

Brian heard a few more pages turning. "He started getting a little more detailed after a while. He talks a lot about a few places. Norman Lykes House in Phoenix, Charles Ennis House in LA, Alice Millard House in Pasadena, Arizona Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix, Grady Gammage Memorial Auditorium in Tempe."

Brian noticed a trend. "Sounds like they're all places in the south west. Maybe you were right and he went to Arizona."

"Well, that could be but doesn't really help too much. Scottsdale isn't exactly a small place and I wouldn't even know where to begin to look." Justin sounded frustrated. Not that he could have gone looking anyway since he was supposed to be taking care of Molly.

Brian looked over at Justin, who was looking through the backpack again, annoyance in his gestures. "Is that what you want? To find him?"

Justin answered absently, flipping through the another notebook he'd pulled out. "Of course." He tossed the notebook back in the bag and sat back with a sad sigh. "I shouldn't have let him leave in the first place. I could have said something…anything…to make him understand." Justin shook his head. "It was all my fault for keeping secrets."

Brian had a feeling that he knew what the 'secret' was, but refrained from commenting.

They rode in silence for awhile after that. Brian's thoughts were on Justin and Tee and how much Justin seemed to miss the boy. He'd never really understood what their relationship had been; roommates, friends, lovers, something in between? Fuck, he'd never really understood his and Justin's relationship for that matter. Assuming of course that he was willing to admit that there was one.

Apparently, Justin had been thinking about those things as well. "Brian? What's going to happen when we get back? I mean, with us." He sounded a bit hesitant in asking.

Brian thought of his usual flippant answer, but he didn't want to do that again. Not with Justin. But he wasn't really sure where he stood with the boy either and Brian was never one for putting his emotions on the line. He shrugged. "Why don't we just wait and see what happens?" he asked casually. Thinking it was much easier to 'show' Justin how he felt than talk about it.

However, to Justin, that sounded suspiciously like a brush off. He remain silent after that, not wanted to say or do anything that would make himself sound like a lovesick teenager.

Gradually, the silence and the motion of the car lulled Justin to sleep. Brian glanced over with a small smile, thinking how much his boy still looked like an angel.

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Brian let Justin sleep until they pulled up in front of Debbie's, where Molly was staying. They'd collected the young girl and Brian drove them back home. As soon as Molly was in the jeep, she had to know what had caused Justin to take off on such short notice, especially on Thanksgiving.

Justin had explained that the Saturn had been stolen and found in Speedway. Since no one had been able to get in touch with Tee, they had called him. He'd had to handle some paperwork and that was all. No big deal.

Brian glanced at the girl in the rear view mirror and could tell she wasn't convinced, but she let it slid.

"So, it that his bag there?" The perceptive girl asked.

Justin looked down, having forgotten the backpack under his feet. "Yeah, it was in the trunk. I didn't know what else to do with it, so I just brought it along."

She held out her hand and Justin passed the bag to her. Molly began pulling stuff out much as her brother had done earlier. Finding the camera's, she commented. "We should get these developed. There might be something letting us know where he went on them."

Justin nodded. "I was thinking that myself."

"There's one of those one hour photo shops not far from here." Brian suggested. "We could drop it off on the way to your house."

Molly laughed. "Hmm, hot and helpful." She nudged her brother's shoulder. "If he's got a good job, I'd say keep him."

Justin rolled his eyes at his sister's brashness. He saw Brian glance at him from the corner of his eyes, a smirk on his face. "You have a smart sister, Sunshine." Justin wasn't sure how to take that comment. Was that an encouragement?

They stopped at the photo shop, then Brian dropped the brother and sister off at their house. Before Justin left, Brian reminded him about the campaign for Rage and suggested he come by the next day to discuss. Justin agreed to drop by around lunchtime.

Brian had a few stops to make before heading home and since it had been a couple of hours, he stopped by the photo place to get the prints. He planned to give them to Justin the next day when he came by.

Parking the jeep back at his condo, he leaned over to grab the pictures from the passenger seat where he'd tossed them. Noticing something under the seat, he reached down and pulled out one of the books that had been in Tee's backpack, 'Wright'. Justin must have dropped it there. Well, he could pass this back to him tomorrow as well.

Tossing the photos and book on the sofa, Brian went to the kitchen to grab a beer. Returning to the living room, he stretched out feeling a little stiff from sitting in a car half the day. Tossing the book on the table, Brian decided to look through the photos. Most of the pictures seemed to be of buildings. What was this kid's fascination with that? Justin seemed prefer pictures of people, which Brian liked much better.

Finally, he came to some pictures of people wearing what appeared to be uniforms of some sort. The kind where the person's last name was sewn on above the pocket. They were standing in front of stone wall with a strange stone structure rising above it at an angle. One of the pictures had Tee in, same uniform on, arm around one of the other guys, laughing into the camera. Must be where he was working now.

Putting the photos aside, he picked up the book and idly began thumbing through it. It seemed to be full of pictures of buildings scattered all over the country. There were dates written on some of the pages and Brian deduced that these must be places that Tee had visited.

There was a place near Pittsburgh that had a date of the summer Tee had stayed here. The Guggenheim Museum was listed, but there was no date on it. Tee must have not have made it there yet. There were several places in the southwest that had recent dates on them. When he came across one in Scottsdale, he felt his interest perk up. The date on it was almost twenty years ago with a big smiley face on it. But it was the picture that captured his attention, a stone wall with a strange stone structure rising above it at an angle.

Brian grabbed to photos, looking for that picture again. Comparing, he started to smile. Looking at the name of the place where the wall / slanted structure was located, he started laughing. All this time, he had thought that the 'Angel' fics were referring to a person at the end. Instead, it looked like they had been referring to a person/place.

Brian briefly thought about sharing what he'd learned with Justin, but there was always the chance that he could be wrong. Or even it he was right, Tee might refuse to have anything to do with them. He decided it was best to wait until he knew for sure before bringing Justin into it.

Smiling to himself, Brian brought up the computer to get on the Internet. It was time to pay a visit to Arizona. Brian's smile got even larger as he thought how pissed the twink was going to be that Brian had figured out his real name.

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After having slept part of the day in the car, Justin had had trouble getting to sleep that night. When he finally did drift off, he tossed and turned, his dreams not allowing him to rest easily.

B: Where you headin'?

J: No place special.

B: I can change that.

Voices from the past were creeping out from his unconscious.

B: So, are you coming or going? Or coming then going? Or coming and staying?

Brian… so hot … made him feel so incredible

B: I'm going to fuck you all night.

Oh, yeah. And they did… and the next morning too.

B: Put it on me. Go on, slip it on my dick.

J: it's cold

B: it'll heat up

J: just … go slow, ok?

J: it hurts…does it always hurt?

B: a little bit, that's a part of it. Now relax. I want you to always remember this. So that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there.

He hadn't remembered, but Brian had been his first. And now he was his first again. Mmmm, it had felt so good, both times, every time.

J: When can I see you again?

B: you can see me now.

J: I mean later…tonight

B: who knows where I'll be … later… tonight

J: please?

B: I'll see you in your dreams

No…that wasn't how it had been. It…it wasn't right…

Justin woke up, his heart racing, trying to escape the voices. But even awake, they wouldn't leave him alone. The floodgates had opened and the water couldn't be held back.

J: I came all the way here just to see him. He doesn't want anything to do with me.

M: yeah, well. The thing you gotta know about Brian is…he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.

The voice kept echoing back and forth, 'not your boyfriend'. Then a new voice added, 'let's just wait and see'. Tears began to roll down Justin's face.

J: … You don't know anything.

M: I do know this. Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anything but himself. If I were you I'd just forget about him.

But he hadn't… couldn't. Not even a bat to the head had let him forget.

B: we need to get something straight

J: you don't do boyfriends

B: Justin, I've had you. What happened last night...it was for fun. You wanted me, and I wanted you. That's all it was.

J: a fuck?

Noooo! How could he say that? How could that be all it was? It had never been just a fuck. Not for him. Not then, not now.

*

B: what did you think it was? Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. That's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl and get married.

J: that's not what I want. I want you.

B: you can't have me.

Justin pressed his hands to his forehead, trying to escape the voices. He didn't want to hear anymore of this. It was lies. It had to be!

B: look, I told you. I'm not your lover, I'm not your partner, I'm not even your friend. You're not anything to me.

J: I could be … if you gave me a chance.

B: where did you learn to talk like that? Watching some teen drama?

J: I need you.

B: you think you do. Because that's what you're taught to think. <mocking>We all need each other. Well, it's a crock of shit. You're the only one you need. You're the only one you've got.

Justin whimpered. He'd known…what they'd all tried to tell him…it was true. He'd never been anything to Brian except a convenient fuck. Oh god…and he'd walked right back into it. Fallen for the same bullshit again.

L: don't expect too much from him, ok.

J: what's too much?

L: anything at all.

And what could he expect now? Now that Brian had gotten what he wanted, would he just walk away? What did Brian want from him?

J: don't go. You can't go. What are you going to do without me?

B: I don't know. I guess I'll survive.

J: What about me?

B: I'm sure you'll get along just fine on your own.

Yes, he would survive. He had survived. But at what cost?

J: no I won't

B: yeah, you will. You're going to do what you should have done a long time ago. You're going to meet some twinkie… your own age.

J: <bitter laugh>what do you think I want with some kid who doesn't know shit?

He hadn't wanted anyone else then. He hadn't wanted anyone else for the past year. He didn't want anyone else now. How fucked up was that?

B: I need to take a shower

J: Go… go take your shower….go to New York…go to your new life. In a year, probably not even that long, you won't even remember my name. Hello, what happened to that kid who wouldn't leave me alone? Who thought he was in love with me? If you fucking think of me at all.

B: I won't. I won't think of you. When I walk out that door, I don't plan on ever looking back. And I expect you to do the same.

And Brian had walked away…gone to New York… started a new life. When he'd seen Justin on the cruise, he'd lied and said he didn't know him. Hadn't wanted him.

The voices eased up, leaving him spent. Bits and pieces of his past that formed a picture of a love that had never been returned. All the voices, past and present, that kept telling him not to trust his heart to Brian Kinney. But his heart was already lost. What was he going to do now?

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