Brian's Thoughts
The black mood was back again, the same one that had followed me since I can remember. The one that makes everything gray and bad and makes taking a walk in front of a moving train look like a good idea.
I knew that it was happening. I can feel them coming on and in moments of insight I know thats all it is that is making me want to curl up in my bed with the lights off and the windows dark and cry.
Justin doesnt really understand them, when they arrive and I know that they frighten him.
I wish I could explain them to himI barely understand them myself, but I cant talk about them. Im too afraid that to talk about them will bring them out, give them permission to come back more often.
I dont know that I could stand that and I cant put Justin through more than hes already had to cope with on account of me.
Instead I leave him, when I know that hes finally fallen asleep, usually after we make loveand yes, I know thats what it is. We passed by fucking a couple of years ago. I just go and sit on the couch, usually and I think that he usually doesnt know.
Sometimes he does, hell wake up and come down and sit beside me.
Part of me craves him doing that and part of me wishes that he would just go the fuck back to bed and stay out of it.
I know this isnt right, what happens to me.
I know its massive depressionclinical depression. Ive read the articles and I even talked to the silver fox about it a couple of timesinformally, but he knew what was going on. Hes a smart fuck.
He said that I could probably benefit from a shitload of therapy and drugs would help even out the moods. I even tried them for a while, but I couldnt fucking work. Everything was flat and nothing was sparking and I cant fucking function like that. I sure as Hell cant do my job.
They went away for a while. When Justin and I were first together after the bashing was mostly behind us and we were so fucking happythe time Debbie kept calling us newlyweds.
I guess thats what we were, really.
I just know that I was so Goddamned happy and Justin was always smiling and laughing. Id come home from work, or hed walk in after classes or a shift at the diner and hed see me and that sunshine smile would break out and Id get this happy warmth in me and Id kiss him and hed blame it all on his allergies and Id tell him not to be a twat and then wed make love again.
Fuck me, I was so damn happy.
Then it went south and he went to Ethan.
I knew that wouldnt last and I just hoped like hell that hed still want me afterwards.
Pretty pathetic, isnt it?
So I made sure that I was still around when he was ready. I was on the edges, but he knew that I was there.
Well, he came back.
At first I was so fucking happy again that I didnt stop to think that maybe it wouldnt last again, that Id screw it up again.
Shit. I want to get it right this time.
When I was in high school I took a few years of German. I still remember some of it. Theres a phase, maybe its just a wordGerman strings a lot or words together to make new words. Anyway I forget it exactly, but its something like Seitentanzen I dont know if thats right, but its close.
It means side dance. Its a thing when youre dancing and you change partners for a little while, a part of the dance, but then you go back to your original partner and finish the dance with them.
I sort of think thats what happened with us, with Justin and me.
Youre only allowed one Seitentanzen.
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