Jennifer's Thoughts

I can’t really say that I’m all that surprised that they’re back together.

I’m disappointed, but I’m not surprised by it.

When I saw Justin was with Ethan, I had thought that they would be good for each other. They were the same age, they had similar interests, they had school in common, and they were at a similar stage of their careers. It seemed like they would be good together, at least for a while. A while was all it was, after all.

Justin seemed happy with him at first, though I thought that he was a little defensive and I knew that mentioning Brian’s name was guaranteed to bring an explosion or a freeze, either large or small.

I tried to get to know Ethan, to befriend him and maybe to mother him a bit. He seemed like he could use some spoiling and it pleased Justin after how I treated Brian.

I felt badly about that, sometimes. I mean, he had been kind to Justin, generous even and I knew that he made Justin happy when they weren’t arguing about something.

I just could never get past the sight of him the first time I set eyes on him—that time at the art show over at the GLC when he wrapped his arms around my seventeen year old son and kissed him in public the way he did. And the nude drawing of him that Justin had drawn, obviously from life, that was hanging on the wall right next to where I was standing. I think it would be hard for any parent to be confronted by something like that with no warning, whether their child was gay or straight. —It was like Justin was staking a claim for the rest to see.

That, of course, was exactly what he was doing.

And Brian loved it. I could see that, too.

That was the day Debbie told me his name and that Brian would hurt my son.

Then there was everything that’s happened over the last couple of years.

Justin being drawn into that subculture—I don’t care what you want to call it—that’s what it is, and the way he virtually abandoned his own family for his ‘new’ one. Yes, I’ll admit that Debbie and Vic were kind to him and the girls, Lindsay and Mel seem to genuinely like him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he chose them over us and I resent that.

He’s my son, not theirs.

I’m the one who walked the floor with him through his endless childhood illnesses and the one who made sure that he took his allergy medicine and did his homework and made his bed and saw to it that he had play dates and took him to the museum and arranged his birthday parties. I did that. They didn’t, they came onto the scene late, just a few minutes ago as far as I’m concerned.

He’s my son.

Mine.

Yes, I know, maybe I should just cut the strings, but how, in the name of God can I, knowing the danger that he’s in? He’s already almost been killed and now he’ll be hurt again.

Brian will break his heart again, just like Debbie said he would.

Sometimes I wonder if Craig and I would still be married if none of this had happened and a part of me thinks that we would.

Justin—and his relationship with Brian was the catalyst that destroyed it.

There were problems, of course, but they could have been ignored. We had ignored them, smiled past them, sanded and resanded the façade enough that it had become habit. We were good at it.

Brian.

I have so many feelings about that man. I’ve gone through so many stages and emotions with him.

I hated him at first, couldn’t even say his name without cringing. Then I got to the point where I developed a grudging respect for him after he stood up to Craig in our own living room.

Then I hated him again after the prom.

I still can’t easily talk about that.

When I found out he’d been at the hospital every night I knew that he loved Justin. I knew when I could think again and realized that he’d gone to the dance to please my son, to make him happy.

He left Justin, stayed away—even send Justin away when I asked him to, and took him in when I asked him to reverse himself and do that.

He touched Justin, let him heal.

He says that he fucked Justin, but I know that it was more. I know that what they did was make love—the giving and the sharing that involves.

Part of me is happy that Justin knows what that’s like, but part of me pictures what it is they do together, to one another, what Brian does to my son—my baby, and I have to close my eyes to block it out and I still see it.

He is going to hurt my son, I feel it, I know it.

I hope that I’m wrong, but I don’t think that I am.

Justin thinks that Brian is the love of his life. He even said as much to me once and I know he still believes it.

The thing that frightens me the most is that I think Brian is starting to feel the same way.

If I’m right, and I think I probably am, I’ve lost him.

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