Justin's Thoughts

He's doing it again.

I don't even have to see him to know that he's out there, on the couch, in the middle of the night, thinking about us... about me.

He thinks I'm using him, that I played him to get him back so that he could be what? My sugar daddy? My trophy?

Fuck that.

I may have lost my Kinney translation skills for a while, but they're back and working just fine now, thank you.

I see the sadness in his eyes, the way he studies me when he thinks I'm not paying attention.

All this self-flagellation is boring.

See, Brian's always had this little problem with reality.

I mean, I understand it; who wouldn't be messed up with that kind of past? And the fine group of friends he's got for support - it's a wonder he didn't take the long dive out the living room window years ago.

So it's up to me. Again.

But I'll be damned if I let things go back to the way they were before the whole Ethan disaster.

See, that time apart was good for us - both of us. But Brian can't see that. Actually, he just can't let himself believe it.

It's easier for him to watch me, study me, scrutinize my every action, scraping together crumbs of "proof" that I'm going to hurt him.

He's cocooning himself in loneliness and hurt, one thin layer at a time. Eventually he'll be so cut off from everything - from me - that nothing will ever get through to him again.

So I have to be the strong one. As usual.

I know he thinks I've hardened, that I've transformed into him at his heartless shit worst.

If only I could make him see.

Yes, I played him a little, manipulated my way back into his life, his loft, his bed.

I did it to save him.

I have to be hard for a while; to get us through this. I have to help him understand. And to do that I have to take control.

And Brian wants me to do it. He just can't admit it. Instead he sees conspiracies and manipulations.

Fine. Let him think the worst of me. If that's what he needs for now to protect himself, I can live with it.

I can even hide the hurt.

Because he's worth it.

Because I love him.

And I will find a way to make him see the truth. No matter how long it takes, or what I have to sacrifice.

I know exactly what I have to do.

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