Unfair

Author's Notes: Angst usually isn't my thing, so I hope you like it. Thanks to Tina for the great plot bunny. Keep them coming, girl!

Warning: Rape

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Brian walked into the darkened loft, stumbling a little as he made his way up the bedroom steps, noticing the lump curled up so tightly on the bed.

'Great, I bet he's pissed.'

Brian's scowl deepened, the buzz that he'd had going fading fast. He'd hoped that Justin would be in the mood. He'd only gotten a quick but somewhat satisfying blowjob in the backroom and he wanted more. But by the looks of the blond lying in the fetal position, his breathing deep and heavy, he knew it wasn't gonna happen.

Unless, maybe…

Stripping off his clothes, Brian slid into bed, inched closer to Justin then stopped. His brows furrowed, feeling the cotton of the other man's t-shirt and sweats brush against his naked skin. Justin never wore clothes to bed.

Although the room was dark, the light shinning in from the outside streetlamps illuminated the bedroom enough that he could see Justin's face pretty well. And what struck him was the look of pain etched so clearly across it.

Then he heard the constant mumbling, almost whimpering of one word over and over that seemed so loud now that he was close. He wondered for a moment how he'd missed it when he'd walked in.

"No…no…no…no…no…no…no…no…"

The desperate chatter cut through his semi-drunken fog and he instantly sobered. Reaching out tentatively, Brian's hand landed on Justin's arm and he felt a shiver run through his body from the touch of the frigid skin.

"NO!" Justin shouted and instantly recoiled, his body hugging itself impossibly tighter.

"Justin, what's wrong?" Okay, Brian was worried.

But the man didn't answer. He couldn't. The only thing he could do was to repeat the same word over and over again. The one that he'd used not so many hours ago…and it hadn't made a difference…not to Ethan…

"I'm here for my song."

"Right…"

Maybe he should have been worried. Going over to a pretty-much stranger's house late at night. But he wasn't. And it's not like Brian hadn't warned him about these things. He had. He'd made the point all too clear that night that he'd strangled him…okay, so it was only for a minute, and he was trying to make a point…but obviously, the point wasn't taken.

"Justin…"

He heard Brian call his name almost frantically, but he couldn't respond. He couldn't. What was he going to do now? How could he just forget that…that it happened? He couldn't. And he wanted to…he fucking wanted to so badly.

"Justin, fuck…answer me…fucking answer me now." Brian was practically shouting even though he was lying right next to the blond. His heart was racing like a fucking racehorse and he didn't know what to do. "Please, Justin…please."

The defeat in Brian's voice struck something deep inside of Justin…something that he longed for so deep in his gut that he ached. But it was too late. Too fucking late.

"You can come with me or you can stay here. It's your call."

"Wha-what?" Brian asked, completely baffled as Justin's one word chanting instantly change and a whole string came out.

"You can come with me or you can stay here. It's your call." This time the words were louder, almost spit out with fury.

"Justin, I don't…"

"YOU CAN COME WITH ME OR YOU CAN STAY HERE. IT'S YOUR CALL." Now Justin was screaming, his hands still wrapped tightly around his body but the position altered slightly as his legs came down and his head came up, staring straight ahead.

"God, baby, I don't understand what's…"

"YOU don't understand. Is that a fucking joke? YOU don't understand what's going on?" Justin shouted, instantly jumping up, standing by the side of the bed, his stance almost animalistic, just waiting to attack.

"Please, Sunshine, calm down."

"Don't you fucking call me that. Don't you ever call me THAT. Sunshine…like I'm some, some fucking ray of light for everyone to fucking feed off of. So good and kind and pure and sweet. Well, what would everyone think now, huh? Tell me that, Brian, what the hell is everyone gonna think now?"

Brian was beyond stunned. He had no idea just what the hell had happened but the ranting lunatic standing in front of him was NOT Justin. Not HIS Justin, and he was fucking scared. Just as he was about to open his mouth, his eyes shifted and he caught sight of something that turned his blood cold and the bile instantly rose in his throat

"Justin, what the fuck is that?" he asked, pointing to the blond's exposed arm.

Justin looked down and for an instant seemed puzzled, but then the cold, harsh stare returned and the younger man looked up at Brian and laughed. He fucking laughed.

"Why, does it turn you on? Is that maybe what you need…what you went looking for tonight. I mean, who the hell would stay home with ME when you could get THIS out there, right?"

Brian leapt off the bed towards Justin and grabbed for his arm, but before his fingers could close around the marked flesh the younger man screamed and scurried backwards, forcing himself into the corner of the bedroom, his arms coming up around his middle as he huddled down and started screaming, "No, no, no, no, no, no…"

Brian was shocked. What the hell happened?

"Baby…" he whispered, crouching down he eased toward Justin.

"NO…don't, please don't…oh, God…please…stop…please."

Brian watched Justin's hands come up to cover his face as the tears slid down his cheeks uncontrollably…all the while the man's tired and raspy voice pleaded for it to stop. Brian only wished to God that he knew just what it was.

Instantly the prom flashed before his eyes and a searing pain gripped Brian's heart so fiercely that he clutched at his chest, trying to ease it. 'No, no, I can't…he can't go through this again. I won't let him. I won't,' screamed through Brian's head. Someone had hurt Justin…HIS Justin, and he wouldn't let the man go through that kind of pain again…because he couldn't take the chance of losing him again. He just couldn't.

Staring at Justin, all the sadness and fear that Brian had experienced after the bashing came back at him like a bolt of lightening shot right through his heart. He remembered watching as the blond struggled at the hospital night after night, battling the shadowed demons in his sleep. Then when he tried so desperately afterwards to gain control of the one thing that mattered most…his art…and temporarily gave up that dream when reality crashed in around him. And he watched every day as Justin still fought a constant battle to win back what he'd lost.

No, he wouldn't allow anything like that to happen to him again.

He knew that in the past few weeks they'd been drifting apart. He knew it. It was just that…fuck…he was scared. He was so fucking chicken shit scared to let Justin in any further. The blond had wormed his way so deep inside him already that he feared that once the man realized what a worthless waste of time he was, he'd be gone. And Brian would be crushed.

He was afraid to give his all to only have it taken away.

But as he crept closer to Justin, seeing the man so terrified and hurting, he knew that it was too late. All the pushing away and hiding that he'd done was pointless. Because he already knew that if he were to lose Justin, he would have lost everything.

"Baby, please, let me help you."

"You…can't," Justin stuttered around his wracking sobs. "It…it's…too late."

Brian couldn't stand it. He grabbed the smaller man in his arms, pulling him against him.

"NO!" Justin shouted, his body instantly stiffening as he tried to pull away.

"Please, Justin…please let me help you."

Maybe it was the desperation so clear in Brian's voice or maybe it was the pure exhaustion that washed over him…either way Justin couldn't hold back any longer and he collapsed to the floor as Brian's strong arms picked him up and carried him to their bed.

"Shhh, baby…shhhh," Brian breathed, holding Justin close as his battered body wracked with sobs. When he finally quieted, Brian whispered, "Tell me."

Justin pulled away, wiping his tear-stained cheeks with his shirt and said, "There' nothing to tell. I'm fine. Fucking perfect. Can't you tell?"

Brian didn't respond. His eyes followed Justin as the man shifted aimlessly, trying not to wince as he sat up, his back resting against the headboard.

'Oh, fuck…no…God, no…no…no…no,' echoed through Brian's head.

Justin's eyes met Brian's and the look of complete terror in the hazel depths rocked the younger man's soul.

"Justin…please…fucking tell me."

Justin laughed. Not that it was funny. Not one thing about the whole situation was funny. But he couldn't help but laugh.

Maybe if Brian had stayed home with him just this fucking once. Or maybe if he hadn't gone over to Ethan's…something that he thought was perfectly harmless…just wanting to have a friend that he could hang with. His friend. Not Brian's. His. But of course, that's not what the musician had in mind. God, far from it.

And Justin was so fucking mad…at himself mostly…because he'd let it happen. Maybe not intentionally. But he'd gone and he'd asked for his song and he'd listened so intently, so enamored of the man's talent…just wanting to hear something perfect and romantic…'astonishingly romantic' he remembered saying and it was. It so fucking was.

But it wasn't HIM that he wanted that from. It was Brian. And if only…if only he hadn't blurted out his usual bullshit about settling down and it's your choice and all that shit that made no difference when all was said and done because it HAD happened and there wasn't one goddamned thing that he could do about it now. There wasn't anything that anyone could do.

"Justin…"

"You can come with me or you can stay here. It's your call."

Suddenly Brian remembered that THAT was pretty much the last thing he'd said to Justin before he'd left for Babylon. And now, hours later, when he'd wished that just once he'd been the man he wanted to be…pushed all his fears aside and given Justin what he'd needed…it was too late. And his words cut so deep into his heart…so deep that he wondered if he'd ever recover.

"I…I'm sorry, Justin. I shouldn't have gone. I should've stayed with you…here…and had your picnic. I know that now. Fuck, I'm so sorry, baby. Please…please let me help you. I can't…" And he had to stop. Take a breath. Because he knew that maybe it was too late…but Justin deserved to hear it. He deserved it. "I can't lose you. I just can't."

Justin's blood shot eyes locked onto Brian's and even through the depths of despair and pain so clear in the pools of blue, a little ray of hope and light beamed through.

"Please…tell me."

Justin closed his eyes and let himself drift back in time to when it all began. He didn't even feel the strong arms come up around him as he began to speak, so soft and low…

"I heard the music. That's all I wanted…just the music. I thought…fuck…I don't know what I thought. Maybe it'd…if I could only get some kind of…I don't know…"

"But then he was so cocky. 'They'll be paying a hundred bucks a ticket to hear me,' he said. And I believed him. I mean, he's good, so…"

"I came for my song, I told him, and he smiled and told me 'right', but I could tell that he didn't believe me. I saw the look on his face. I know he wanted more, but…"

Justin stopped and looked up at Brian, shaking his head as the tears fell so effortlessly. He wanted Brian to know that he didn't want more. Not from Ethan, but he couldn't say it. He sighed and finally felt the arms that were wrapped around him as they tightened further, urging him to go on.

But what Justin didn't feel or see was the fury and rage burning inside of Brian. He was a master of hiding his true emotions, and right then, he was using all his skills to keep it together.

"He asked me what I wanted to hear." Justin laughed out loud and said, "Maybe I should've asked for something light and happy. Maybe then…" And he just shook his head, his mind obviously lost in what he could have done differently.

"But I wanted romance…I needed it so desperately after you walked out on me. You didn't want any of it."

"Justin, I…"

"No, no, don't make excuses. I know who you are. It's just that…once…just one fucking time I wanted something more. But it's not your fault, Brian. I know you don't do romance and shit. I just…"

And Justin's voice was even and not accusing, but still, Brian took the blame. He felt it deeply…however self inflicted it might've been…just like that night, not too long ago and never long enough away. He felt the searing pain like a knife pierced right through his heart, just as he had that night as Justin's broken body lay in his arms.

"So he smiled, and I thought he understood. I thought that he was my friend. And when he played I felt all the hurt and loneliness bleed out of me."

Brian's stomach lurched as the memory of Justin bleeding all over the cold, cement floor passed in front of his eyes. And he wanted to scream and tell whoever was in charge of this whole fucked up world that it was unfair…so fucking unfair. He wanted to cry out for Justin, who'd suffered so much, so unjustly…and for what? For WHAT?

"I sat there, gawking like a fucking moron. But the music was so pure and so comforting. It drew me in…exactly where he wanted me."

Brian felt his heartbeat quicken and he knew that the worst was about to come. He didn't know if he could handle it. He didn't…

"At first I was so fucking naïve. I mean, when he kissed me, I actually kissed back. I thought it was just a friendly peck, you know, like you and Michael. But then…his hands were so strong…I guess from all that practicing…so fucking strong. And he pushed me down and I couldn't move."

"Baby…"

But Justin's mind was far away, reliving the horrible ordeal. His mouth was moving and the words were tumbling out but he was gone…someplace that he wished he'd never been.

"I screamed…begged him not to, but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I couldn't…that I was committed to you, and hadn't been with anyone since…but he didn't care. He just laughed and told me that he knew I wanted him as much as he wanted me. He called me a cocktease and smacked me across the face so hard. He said that I'd gotten what I wanted, so now it was his turn."

Justin's voice was so low that Brian had to strain to hear it, desperately hoping that maybe he'd miss some of the details that were slowly turning his body ice cold.

Shaking his head, the tears streaming down his face, Justin said, "He dug his nails in so hard, and I gasped, but he just laughed at me. When his lips pressed against my skin I tried to imagine that it was you, but it wasn't. It felt all wrong and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't pretend."

Justin looked up, his eyes focused on Brian and he whispered, "I tried…I really tried…but he ripped my jeans open and pulled them off, his body holding me down…and I screamed out…begging, but it just got him more riled up. He wouldn't stop… wouldn't. And I was so fucking scared, Brian. So scared."

Justin's desperation was palpable. Brian felt it so deeply and he understood how much his lover had tried to break free. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't speak. So instead he nodded and ran his long fingers soothingly through the man's golden hair, smiling weakly…letting him know that he was there.

Sighing, Justin continued. "When he pushed into me I screamed so loud, Brian. So fucking loud, hoping that someone would come, but no one did. And every time he pulled out and thrust back in, moaning and panting above me I wanted to die. Just fucking die."

"No, Justin…no, don't ever say that. God, please, don't say that," Brian pleaded, his own tears spilling over and running down his face as Justin's nightmare continued to unfold.

"After he came, he rolled off me and I had to look, make sure he'd used a condom…"

"Did he?" Brian asked urgently.

"Yes."

Brian sighed thankfully.

"It must have been a good one because within minutes he passed out beside me."

"He was with you, Justin. How could it not be the best?" Brian teased lightly, running his fingers along the silkiness of his lover's cheek, avoiding the large bruise that marred his perfect skin.

Even with the fucked up situation, Justin's features softened at Brian's sentiment.

"So I pulled on my clothes…"

Justin paused and Brian swore he saw a blush creep up on the man's pale face.

"I…I stood up and couldn't stop it…I…I threw up on the floor, right by his feet…"

"So you left him a present?"

Justin huffed out a laugh…the first real one of the night…and Brian felt the vice-like grip on his heart lessen just the tiniest bit.

"I ran all the way home."

"Justin…"

"Don't, Brian. I needed to…I had to get away…I had to…I felt so used…so dirty."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I couldn't," was all Justin said, and Brian wondered was it because he felt ashamed or because he didn't want him?

"God, I'm so sorry, Justin. So fucking sorry he hurt you…and…and that I hurt you."

Brian raised Justin's chin so that their eyes met and as he looked into the sad blue eyes he knew that he'd do anything…fucking anything to never see that pain again.

"Please…forgive me?"

"It wasn't your fault," Justin said and tried to move away, but Brian held on, not willing to let go.

Nodding, Brian said, "Maybe not…but if I would've told you…shown you how I feel, then maybe none of this would've happened."

"Maybe," Justin conceded. "But it did. And there's not a fucking thing you or I can do to change that. Life's unfair sometimes…and tonight just proved that to me tenfold."

"You mean so much to me, Justin. I'm so…I'd be lost without you."

And for the first time that night Justin smiled. Not his best…not by a long shot…but considering the past few hours, it was pretty fucking good.

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Several weeks passed since the horrible night that neither Justin or Brian would ever forget, no matter how hard they tried, but they were doing better. So much better.

The bruises faded and the mental scars seemed to heal a little…and Justin was on his way back to being his usual perfect self.

The funny thing was that it took almost losing Justin again to make Brian come around and let him in…all the way in…and they were happier than ever.

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"Brian, so glad you could make it."

"Jim, sorry about the delay." Brian shook his client's hand firmly. "I had another meeting to finish up and I wasn't sure I'd get here before you were done. How's it all going?"

"Wonderful. Couldn't be better. In fact, the man they hired to play during the commercial shoot is fantastic. I'm really impressed."

"Great."

"Oh, Brian, here he is now. I'd like you to meet him. Maybe you can use him in some of your other projects."

Brian turned as the musician approached and instantly felt an inexplicable chill run down his spine.

"Brian, this is Ethan Gold, the incredible violinist I've been telling you about. Ethan, this is…"

But before Jim could finish, Brian's fists, so full of pent up rage flew up into the air and connected with a hard right, then left to Ethan's jaw, sending the man spiraling backwards before landing with a loud thud on the ground.

"Brian!" Jim shouted, astonished by the outburst.

But Brian didn't care. He looked down at the pathetic excuse for a waste of space lying on the ground, holding his face in his hands and mumbling something about a broken jaw, and all he could think about was Justin.

How it'd taken weeks of caring and support for his lover to finally get to the point where he was comfortable enough to go out by himself again.

How whenever Justin heard string music, even as simple as a blip on TV, his body tensed so fiercely that Brian had to hold him until he could breathe again.

How the nightmares, just as bad as he'd gone through after the bashing, were back again, and it was a rare night when Justin didn't suffer through one so debilitating that he was left crying and shaking in Brian's arms.

That's what kept going through Brian's mind as he watched the greasy-haired little shit writhing on the floor in pain.

And he smiled, menacingly, leaning down toward the man and said in a voice that left no room for doubt, "If you ever go near Justin again, I'll kill you."

And then he stood tall, ignoring the calls from his client as he put on his sunglasses, pushed the studio door open and walked out into the sunlight.

Pulling his cell phone from his breast pocket he hit memory one and smiled when he heard the familiar voice answer.

"Hey, baby…no, nothing…just wanted to hear your voice."

And then he laughed, a sweet, genuine laugh and continued toward his car.

His heart was full…his conscience clear…

As he chatted with the love of his life on the other end of the line.

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