Stay
Author's Notes: It always drove me crazy that Brian couldn't tell Justin what he needed to hear on the show, so I did my own version. Now I feel much better! Big thanks to Shannon Marie the queen of betas.
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Brian and Justin lay on their respective sides of the bed, backs turned towards each other. The silence in the room was deafening and the space between their bodies made them feel miles apart. The only illumination in the loft came from the outside streetlamps that cast a hazy glow throughout the darkened loft.
It was deep into the night, but instead of sleeping, both men lay in torment. They were so sick of the way things were going, but were equally as stubborn and neither one was willing to give in first. They both knew that as they lay there, stewing in their anger, the space between them continued to grow, until soon, they would not be able to reach each other at all. That was the thought that scared them the most.
`I don't know what the fuck more he wants from me. I don't know what more I can give. Nothing seems to make him happy. I don't make him happy anymore. He wants too much from me, things I can't give. What the fuck am I going to do? I can't lose him, I just can't,' Brian thought as he lay in the darkness. He didn't have any answers and didn't know what to do next.
`He fucking thinks it's always MY fault. I want so much, I need so much. Well, I do want and I do need, just like any normal person. But he wouldn't understand that. He doesn't do normal. He doesn't think that people should feel and love and care and need. But they do, I do and I can't pretend anymore that I don't. I won't do that, not anymore.' So many thoughts flew through Justin's head as he lay on his side of the bed. The only sounds in the loft were from their breathing and the occasional whirring of a passing car outside. He wanted to say something to his lover, but what more could he say? He'd already said it all and none of it made a difference.
`I knew when he came to me and tried to explain that I wouldn't give in. As usual I threw him some of my bullshit lines. Told him some more about my rules and codes for life. But in truth, they are all lies. I don't think that I even believe them anymore. I want to change and forget about what everyone expects me to do and do what I want to do. No one knows the real me. They all think they do, but it's a show that I put on for them, because if they really saw who I am, what I want, they would think I was weak. I can't be weak. I've never been allowed to be weak. Good old Jack saw to that. How fucked is that? My asshole father is dead and he's still ruling my life.' Brian couldn't believe how fucked up he felt. He didn't even know how to begin to fix things.
`I don't want to leave. I really don't, but I feel like I don't have a choice. He didn't leave me one. I asked him a simple question and he refused to even answer it. How much would it have taken for him to answer me? To give me that. To make me feel that I was even the slightest bit important. That's all I wanted, to matter. To know that I am not just a convenient live-in fuck. But that's all I am to him. That's all I've ever been. Nothing will ever change. He won't let it.' The younger man couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He tried so hard to not make a sound as the tears rolled down his face and melted into the pillow. He didn't want to give his lover the satisfaction of knowing he'd gotten to him once again.
`Okay, maybe Justin knows the real me. Maybe that's why he expects more from me than the others. Maybe he thinks that I can really do this, the whole relationship thing. But can I? Can I give him what he wants? What I really want? I don't want to screw with him, tell him I'll try and then fuck up. It's what I always do, because I'm good at it. I've had my whole life to practice. But now, I want…I want…God, I can't even admit it to myself. How pathetic?' The older man peeked over his shoulder at his lover. The blond hadn't moved an inch since climbing into bed. Brian sighed.
Finally getting the tears under control, Justin tried his best to calm down and collect his thoughts. `Stay. That's all I wanted to hear. He didn't need to beg or plead. I didn't ask him to profess his undying love for me. But God forbid he should let anyone know that he isn't made of stone. That he feels, just like the rest of us. I know that he does. I've seen it. When he doesn't think I'm looking and he lets down his guard. I see the sweetness and the loving way he is. He's so afraid that someone might see that. He's so fucked up and I know it wasn't his choice. His fucking family. They screwed him over so badly and set his whole life's plan in motion. But I know that he can change it. I know he wants to. He's just scared. I don't want him to be scared of me.'
`Alright. I can do this. I can admit it, at least to myself. I love him. I do. I fucking love him so much that it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to give myself over to him to just have him leave me one day. But if I don't do something now, he's going to leave tomorrow. I know he's probably already made his decision because I've given him no other choice. He doesn't want to deal with an asshole his whole life and that's what I act like. I do and I'm not proud of it. Not anymore.' Things were becoming much clearer to Brian. He started to understand why Justin had gone someplace else to find what he needed.
`I don't really want to be with Ethan. He's great and all, but I don't love him. I really like him, but, well, he's not Brian. No one will ever mean to me what Brian does. I know this in my heart. And I know he does love me. He shows me in his ways, but I know he could show me so much more if he'd only let himself.' Feeling the tears threatening again, Justin took a deep breath and released it. He felt so overwhelmed and lost. `Oh God, what am I going to do?`
`He's still so young. Maybe I need to let go. To let him be with someone else who will make life easier for him. Maybe this other guy, the fiddler is better for him and will give him everything I can't. I shouldn't be selfish. I know he loves me. That is something I don't doubt, but sometimes it's just not enough. I feel so torn.' Brian laughed silently at his next though. `No one would ever believe that I am lying here, miles apart from my lover, yet in the same bed, going through all this shit in my head. Analyzing the hell out of my life. What a fucking loser.'
`What the fuck is he so afraid of? I wish he would open up to me. Let me know how he really feels. What a fucking joke. He won't even say one simple word to keep me here, but I expect him to tell me he loves me? When hell freezes over maybe. I need him so much and I'm so scared to be without him. I know I'd survive. I know eventually I'd move on with my life. But I'd never love again, like I love him. He branded me that first night for life. I'll carry his mark with me always. If he only understood how good things could be. How easy they could be if he'd only let them. I don't want to leave. I don't.' The younger man's heart was racing. He knew there was no solution. That Brian had left him no choice. But he didn't want to go.
`He still hasn't moved. At first I thought he was crying, but maybe it was just my imagination. I want to touch him. I want to make him understand why I am the way I am. But I am so afraid. Brian-fucking-Kinney afraid. Pathetic. I've held everything in for so long that I'm afraid if I let it out, even just a little, I won't be able to stop. Maybe I am human after all. Maybe I can do this. Give him what he needs. What I need.' The older man closed his eyes, overwhelmed by his thoughts. He felt raw and exposed, even though he hadn't said a word out loud. `God, I need him. I can't let him go.'
`He won't even try and give us a chance. I want to turn around and punch him in the fucking face, I'm so furious. He won't fight for us. He's so weak. He thinks he's so strong, but he's not. He's a goddamned coward. I'll bet he's dying inside, just like me. I want to hold him and tell him, beg him to not be afraid. To let me love him and allow himself to love me back. But he won't listen. He would just shut me out like always. I'm not strong enough anymore to take that. I know he thinks I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm so tired of being hurt and maybe that's why I turned to Ethan. He's so sweet and easy. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe I'll survive. Maybe I won't curl up and die.' Justin was so exhausted. Emotionally drained. He knew Brian would never give him what he needed and the knowledge cut him like a knife. He felt like he was bleeding inside and it would never stop.
`No, I won't let him leave. I won't let that fucking greasy haired, chin rat, vagabond, street urchin have him. I want him. I want to be with him and love him. I know that's selfish, but I don't give a shit. I'm what's best for him. No one else can love him the way I can. I'll try, I promise. I won't let him down. I won't let myself down. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I'm tired of caring and living my life to save face. I don't want to waste my life or Justin's. We belong together, I'm sure of it.' Brian felt a new sense of confidence. He wasn't going to hide anymore.
Justin felt the bed shift. He figured that Brian was turning in his sleep. The blond continued to stare out the blinds of the bedroom, his mind drifted far away, trying to escape the excruciating pain he felt. He was shocked out of his daze as he felt Brian's body press up behind him and the man's long arm wrap around his waist. His breath caught in his throat and his mind raced, trying to understand what was happening.
Brian moved firmly against Justin's body and laid his head against his lover's, pressing their cheeks together. He was so scared. His heart beat so fast that he thought it might burst out of his chest. But he knew this was right. There was no way he was going to lose Justin. He wanted to move on, leave the past behind and start their lives together, the way it should be. Fuck anyone who didn't like it.
The feel of Brian's long, lean body against his was heaven. `Maybe this is his way of saying goodbye? One last time, holding me close before he lets me go.' The thought made Justin sick. He wanted to pull away, out of his lover's grasp, but he couldn't. He wanted this too much. He needed Brian. How would he survive without him?
The older man knew it was now or never. He took a deep breath and summoned all the courage he had. He was about to lay himself wide open. He was terrified that Justin would leave him anyway. `Maybe it's too late? No, it can't be. I won't let it be' he thought. He took a leap of faith, because that's one thing he did know he had. Faith in Justin. Faith in the fact that the boy loved him.
"Justin." Brian whispered softly.
At first Justin wasn't sure if he'd heard his name or just imagined it. But he knew his lover had spoken as he felt his face move against his cheek and his arm tighten its hold. He didn't know if he was supposed to answer or listen. He decided to remain quiet.
"I…I…" Brian was so scared. He couldn't get his mind and mouth to connect and say what he wanted to. He sighed loudly with frustration. As if knowing that he was terrified of opening up, Justin placed his hand on his lover's arm and gave a squeeze. This simple gesture made Brian's heart skip a beat and his confidence soar. Justin knew him so well. He had nothing to fear.
"Justin, please stay," Brian whispered, his words filled with love.
"That's all I needed to hear," Justin replied through his tears of joy.