Remember
“Brian…please.”
I couldn’t stand the sadness in his eyes or the pleading in his voice. He sounded so desperate, so defeated, so…lost. I wanted so badly to just give him what he wanted, what he felt he needed, but I couldn’t. I felt the battle raging inside of me. My heart was pounding, telling me to do it, give in, tell him how I felt. But my head, that stubborn, fucked-up defective mass was screaming to not give in, not let the words go, not do something just because of a pair of sad blue eyes.
But I knew that’s not what I saw. I saw him. All of him. His hopes, fears, desires, needs and most of all his love…for me. I wanted to give it all back to him. I really did. I just couldn’t, at least not in his way.
He watched me, and waited for me to say something, anything, the right thing. But I said nothing. My eyes shifted from his right eye to his left, then back again. Over and over, trying desperately to see something else in those clouded pools of blue. But it was the same, nothing changed from one second to the next. Until finally, he just gave up. I saw it. His eyes slowly slid shut and stayed that way for several minutes. I saw a tear slip out from the right one. It slid right under the lid and ran down the side of his face, disappearing into the soft fabric of the pillow beneath his head. And when he finally opened his eyes, it was gone. All his hope was gone. Not a trace of it was left behind in those glassy, tear filled eyes that I loved so much. And I felt lost.
He turned in my arms and tried to pull away. But I couldn’t let him go. I knew if I let him slip from my arms, he would be gone. Not physically, I knew he wouldn’t do that, at least not yet. But mentally, he would be gone and I knew I couldn’t handle that. That would be just as bad as him walking out the door. I didn’t want to EVER deal with that again. I would be empty, disappear, fade away,
I pulled him close, his back pressed against my chest. He struggled to get free, but I wouldn’t let him. My face was buried in the top of his golden hair. I inhaled deeply, needing to smell him. Feel his scent flow through my body, fill all my senses with his essence, his being. One arm above him and one beneath him, I wrapped them around his chest, crossing them against him. Not letting him move even an inch away. He must have resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t break free because suddenly he stopped trying. He settled back against me, the tension slowly leaving his body as he took comfort in my embrace.
“Justin.” I whispered his name so softly.
I felt his body move. Just little shakes and shivers as his tears continued to flow. I closed my eyes and tried to fight my own tears. I hated that I made him cry…again. I always seemed to be hurting him. I didn’t want to do that anymore.
“Remember when you came to
His body seemed to calm from my words. I heard him sniffle and nod his head. His silky hair brushed back and forth against my face as he moved.
“Remember when we went to that club?”
Again, he nodded.
I continued, speaking softly. “I was so fucking blown away by you. You walked in that place and had all those guys ready to lick the bottom of your boots if you told them to. You were so unbelievably beautiful, with the lights playing off your perfect skin and those amazing eyes of yours.”
I couldn’t help myself as my cock began to harden when I remembered the way he owned the room. Just by his simple presence, he made it his. My filling dick pressed against Justin’s ass and I knew he could feel it. But that’s not what he needed right now.
“I was so proud, so unbelievably proud to be with you. And do you remember when we danced?”
I stopped again, waiting for him to acknowledge my question, which he did with a simple nod again. I felt more of the tension leaving his body as he relaxed fully against me.
“You were so on that night. Your body moving to the music, becoming part of the music. It was so hot, and I know that it wasn’t just me that thought so. You had all those men watching you, wanting you, wishing they were me.”
I felt his hand come up and cover mine as it rested against his chest. I couldn’t help but sigh. It was proof that he was listening, trying to understand.
“But it was the slow song. Remember? Your body pressed against mine. Melting into mine. Just like it is now.”
This time it was Justin that sighed. I heard it and I knew that he did understand. He knew what I was trying to say, without having to say it. He wanted the words. He felt he needed the words. But what I was trying to give him, were MY words, my silent words. Because that’s all I could give. And to me, it was everything.
“I know you felt it that night, Justin. I know you feel it now. You have to always feel it, because it’s always there.”
I bent my head and placed a gentle kiss against his neck. I couldn’t resist. I needed to taste him. Feel him. But I needed him to know. Not guess. Not wonder. Fucking know. Because I knew. I knew without a doubt that he loved me. And I needed him to feel the same. Even if I couldn’t say it.
He turned in my arms to face me once again. I saw his tear streaked cheeks and his glassy eyes. But this time, I didn’t see emptiness and sadness in the pools of blue. I saw understanding, acceptance and love. Love that he was giving and love that he was accepting…from me.
“I remember how lucky I felt being with you. How in awe I was of your beauty and confidence. How I wanted to crawl inside of you, become part of you. Never let you go.” Justin said as he stared deeply into my eyes. “So you’d never let me go.”
My hand ran lightly up and down his back. Our bodies molded together, fitting perfectly as if we were made for each other. I pressed my lips against his and ran my tongue across his bottom lip. So full and inviting. So irresistible.
When I pulled back, I looked at his face and I felt
humbled. By
his beauty, by his love, by him.
“I’ll never let you go.”