Once and Again

Author’s Notes: Written for the Icon Challenge posted at: http://community.livejournal.com/qaf_challenges/.  Enjoy!
Inspired By Icon: Number 45.  Brian looks so defeated.

*************************

“I’m cold.”

Brian shifted, wrapping his arm around Justin, battling against the feelings twisting inside him.  “Better?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Justin smiled, his eyes so bright.

And at that moment Brian envied Justin, envied his ease and courage because Brian knew that if he’d possessed even an ounce of either he wouldn’t be sitting there like a fucking pussy, aching for so much more yet taking none of it.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, great, never better,” Brian smiled.

“Shit, look how late it is.  I gotta go.”  Justin stood, Brian’s arm falling helplessly back against the couch, a feeling of loss bombarding the discarded limb.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’ve gotta work early tomorrow,” Justin replied, slipping into his sneakers, lifting his bag over his head.

“You, uh, you could just…”

“Later,” Justin called over his shoulder, already half-way out the door, Brian’s hushed offer trailing pathetically behind him.

With a defeated growl Brian pulled the steel door closed, locked it and set the alarm.  Tossing himself carelessly down onto the sofa he reveled in Justin’s warmth still imprinted on the cushion.  

“Fuck!” he shouted, angry at himself for letting Justin leave.

With a heavy sigh he stood, dragging himself up to his bedroom, resigned to spend another night alone.

***************

“Coffee.  Now.”

Cynthia’s heels clicked out a staccato along the granite floors as she made her way into Brian’s office, a steaming mug of coffee in one hand, a stack of messages in the other and a scowl plastered across her face.

“Brian,” she stated, calmly, gaining his attention.  “Bark at me again and I’ll be wearing your balls for earrings.”

“Ball,” he corrected, taking a sip of his scalding coffee.

She shrugged.  “One works.  I’ll make a necklace.”

He grinned. 

She took it as an apology.  The only one she knew she’d get.

“What’s crawled up your ass lately?”

“Well…”

She held up her hand.  “TMI already.”

He laughed, leaning back in his chair.

“Seriously, Brian, what the hell’s the matter?”

Taking another generous mouthful of his coffee Brian stated.  “Nothing.”

Nodding, she smiled.  “Justin?”

Brian’s eyes flew to her face, his mouth open to instantly dismiss any unfounded bullshit spewing from her lips, but she cut him off before he even made a sound.

“It’s Justin, I know it.”

With a jagged sigh he slumped down in his chair and nodded.

Perching her ass on the edge of his desk, Cynthia said, “Trust me, Brian.”

Looking up, meeting her eyes so blue and real, just like the pair he longed for, he caved.

“I’m fucking miserable.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

He frowned.  “I want him back.”

“So?...”

He shrugged.  “I don’t know how.  When he went to New York we kept things open, no pressure.  But I guess we drifted.  So when he came back it was like we had no definite ties to each other.  And now we’re here, stuck in this friendship thing.  And I’m fucked.”

Cynthia’s heart ached for Brian.  He sounded so lost.  “Brian, tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t.” 

“Yes, you can,” she stated, moving a little closer.

Brian set the mug down on his desk and turned in his chair to face her.  “What if he doesn’t want me?”

Cynthia looked down into a pair of uncertain hazel eyes and was positive that the Brian she was seeing was one she’d never met before.

“Brian,” she whispered, her hand resting atop of his, “tell him.”

***************

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” Justin asked, finding Brian parked outside his gallery.

“Get in.”

Justin hopped into the passenger side of the car as Brian peeled away from the curb.  “In much of a hurry?” Justin laughed.

“Oh, sorry.”

Brows furrowed, Justin watched Brian drive.  He seemed so far away and agitated.

“You okay?”

“Wha?  Yeah, sorry.”

Startled, Justin held up his hand. “Okay, what the fuck is going on?  That’s the second time you’ve said sorry since I’ve been in here, which is more than the grand total combined since I’ve known you.”

Brian laughed, humorlessly.  “Guess I’ve got a lotta shit on my mind.”

“Mm-hm,” Justin nodded, not buying his lame excuse for a second.

“Hungry?”

“Does a dick get hard?” Justin asked, figuring his question was just as rhetorical as Brian’s.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Brian smiled, heading toward Justin’s favorite Thai restaurant.

“I love this place,” Justin stated as they sat down at their table.

“I know.”

“Thanks, Brian.”

Brian watched the beautiful smile spread across Justin’s face and felt his stomach flip.  “Beam, double,” he called to their waiter, grateful when it arrived, downing half of it in a hurried swallow.

They ordered, and although the alcohol had calmed him somewhat, Brian couldn’t shake his nervousness.

“So, how was work?”

“Work was good.”

Justin smiled.

“How was work with you?”

“It was good.”

Brian smiled.

Taking a deep breath, Brian tried, “Justin…”

“Gentlemen…”

The waiter laid their meals down in front of them, refilled their water glasses and left, somehow taking Brian’s courage right along with him.

“Mmm, try this,” Justin held out a piece of chicken between his chopsticks toward Brian’s face.

Meeting Justin’s eyes Brian leaned forward, slipping the offered food into his mouth, licking his lips as he pulled away.

Justin gasped softly.

“Good,” Brian nodded, his eyes still locked on Justin’s, the bright blue fading to a deeper hue.

Justin smiled, sucking in a breath, his cheeks coloring slightly.

“Wanna try mine?” Brian asked.

“No!” Justin answered a little too loudly, then added sheepishly, “No, I-I’m good.”

Reveling in Justin’s discomfort gave Brian the push he needed to try again.

“Justin, I…”

“How’s everything?” the waiter inquired.

“Great.”

“Great,” Brian replied through gritted teeth, watching the pleased yet disruptive fuck of a waiter pad his self-satisfied ass away.

“This really is great.”

“Anytime,” Brian smiled while crumbling inside.

The ride to the loft was made in a comfortable silence. 

As they rode the rickety old elevator up to Brian’s place Justin caught Brian staring at him before he quickly looked away.  Justin could’ve sworn he’d seen him blush.

“You sure it’s not too late?”

“Nah, pick something,” Brian answered, tossing his keys and wallet on the counter.

“I know, a classic,” Justin stated as he put a DVD in the player and turned on the TV.

“Shit, not Yellow Submarine again,” Brian lamented, dropping onto the sofa.

Plopping himself down beside him, Justin smacked Brian’s chest.  “Shut up.  I…”

But then the music started and Brian looked at Justin and they both broke out laughing. 

“Well it is a classic.”

“Right, to you old folks that is,” Justin teased.

“You little shit,” Brian shifted, grabbing Justin by his arms as he tried to squirm away.

“I’m surprised you recognized it so quickly.  Your hearing aids must be turned up full-blast tonight,” Justin ground out, still trying to get away as Brian hovered over him.

“I’ll have you know that I look just as young as I did the night we met, what, shit, eight years ago.”

“Keep dreaming, Grandpa.”

“I’m too hot to be a grandfather,” Brian stated, pressing down harder against Justin, who couldn’t help but gasp as he felt Brian’s erection slide along his leg.

“That’s for fucking sure,” Justin rasped, Brian’s proximately making it hard to breathe.

Brian noticed the shift in Justin, felt his hardness pressing back against him.  Their eyes met, staring, their breath coming in shorter bursts. 

“Justin…”

“Brian, I…” he felt helpless, his emotions running ramped like an unruly six year old at an amusement park.

“I want you,” Brian managed, his lips moving dangerously close to Justin’s.

“I want you too, but…”

Brian pulled back as if slapped, Justin’s ‘but’ washing over him like an ice-cold shower.

“Brian…”

“You know it is kinda late.” Brian stood, steadying himself, his eyes closed against the harshness of it all.

“Brian, I didn’t…”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.  Lock up on your way out, okay?” Brian didn’t even turn around, dismissing Justin as he headed up the stairs to his bedroom and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, unmistakably shutting Justin out.

“Brian,” Justin whispered sadly as he made his way out of the loft, feeling as if he’d left his heart laying in a million pieces on Brian’s hardwood floor.

***************

“I can’t believe I just…”

“Justin, don’t.”

“Daph, you didn’t see him.  I fucking obliterated him.”

Daphne snorted, the depths of her sarcasm coming across loud and clear along the telephone line.

“Seriously.  I’ve never seen him so…so…”

“Human?”

“Yeah, fuck, human.”  Justin was amazed by Brian’s frailty, a word that he’d never have associated with him before.  And while it shocked him it also kind of delighted him to see him so…vulnerable.  The thing was, Justin was afraid that he wanted more than Brian, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to take it if Brian didn’t feel the same.

“Talk to him,” Daphne stated.

“I don’t think I…”

“Justin…” she used the tone that she knew Justin wouldn’t fuck with, the one she reserved for those rare occasions, “…talk to him.”

***************

“Hey, to what do I owe this unexpected intrusion?” Brian deadpanned as Justin stuck his head into his office.

Justin laughed.  “Cynthia wasn’t at her desk, so I …”

“Thought you’d just barge in.”

Justin nodded.  “Yeah, pretty much.”

Brian couldn’t help but laugh.

“Busy?”

Brian shrugged, but answered, “Always.”

A little taken back, Justin said, “Oh, sorry, I’ll just see you later…”

“Justin, sit down.”

So he did.

He felt nervous.

He didn’t like it.

Suddenly ‘human’ didn’t feel so great.

“What’s wrong?”

Shaking his head briskly, Justin answered, “Nothing.  Nothing’s wrong.  I just wanted to, um, I…”

“What?” Brian held Justin’s gaze, gently urging him to continue.

Justin smiled, awkwardly.  “I wanted to talk to you about…”

“Brian…hey, Justin, I didn’t see you there,” Ted said as he burst into Brian’s office.

“Hi Ted,” Justin said dejectedly.

Brian almost growled in frustration.  They just couldn’t seem to catch a fucking break.

“Out,” Brian barked in Ted’s direction.

“But, Bri, I…”

“Later,” he added a little calmer, watching as Ted nodded, looking back and forth between Brian and a rather shell-shocked Justin.

“No, I’ve gotta go anyway,” Justin said, standing up quickly.

“Justin, you wanted to tell me something,” Brian tried.

Smiling, Justin waved it off.  “I’ll talk to you later.  No biggie.  Later, okay?”

“Yeah, later,” Brian called out to Justin’s back as he hurried out.

“Well, he looks good.”

“Get the fuck out, Theodore,” Brian ground out.

Ted nodded, confused as he usually was, then backed out of the office with his tail planted firmly between his legs.

***************

Justin heard his doorbell ring.  He looked at the clock.  He wasn’t expecting anyone.

“Coming,” he called out.

“Is that really something you want to share with all your neighbors?” Brian smirked.  “I’m sure there might be a couple of people who would appreciate that kind of commitment.  Let’s see if we find them,” Brian added, pointedly looking down the hallway of Justin’s apartment building.

“Get in here,” Justin laughed, pulling Brian inside by his jacket.

“I brought pizza,” Brian announced, unnecessarily holding up the box as if Justin could’ve missed it.

“But it’s past seven,” Justin reminded, eagerly grabbing a slice.

Brian shrugged, taking one of his own.  “Sometimes you gotta live a little.”  He took a generous bite, savoring the tangy, cheesy treat.

“Amen,” Justin stammered around a mouthful as he took the box with him, resuming his previous position on the sofa.  “Wanna watch?” he asked, motioning to the TV where Yellow Submarine was already half-way through.

Brian groaned but joined him, tossing his jacket aside.  “What’s up, Sunshine?”

“What?”

“You usually only watch this when you’re in a for shit mood.”

Justin stared at Brian a beat longer then grabbed another piece of pizza and focused on that, chewing each bite intently.

Brian watched Justin.  Watched the way his eyes scanned the TV, deliberately avoiding him.  Watched the way his fingers picked nervously at the hem of his t-shirt.  Watched him and knew that he’d never wanted anything more.

“Justin, I…”

“Brian, I…”

Both burst out laughing, turning toward one another instinctively.

“Sorry, you first.”

“No, it’s okay.  What did you wanna say?”

Brian twisted his lips, his eyes flitting up and down, meeting Justin’s on occasion, then he tried.  “I wanted to tell you that, well, I’ve been trying to tell you this for weeks now, um, shit, I suck at this.”

Justin placed his hand soothingly on Brian’s knee.  “Tell me.”

Brian met Justin’s gaze so blue and sure.  “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

Brian shook his head, wanting to get it right.  “No, I miss you.  In here,” he whispered, his hand over his heart.

Justin gasped. 

Had they both been feeling the exact same thing but were too chicken-shit to get it out?

Justin smiled a watery smile, placing his hand atop Brian’s still pressed against his chest and said, “I’ve always been there.”

Brian sighed, thumbing away the tears that spilled from Justin’s eyes.  “I wanna kiss you,” he whispered, his quest for permission startling Justin.

“Please,” Justin practically begged.

And as their lips pressed together, soft and so, so deliciously slow, they knew that although it felt like it’d taken a lifetime to get them to where they were, they’d finally arrived.

And while the wait was hell…

The rest was gonna be fucking heaven.

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