Glow

Prying myself off Brian, I remove the condom and drop it over the side of the bed, hoping that my aim isn't too off from the garbage can. My body's wet and sticky and I really should do something about that, but I don't.

Falling onto my back, my shoulders drop and my chest deflates along with my entire body as a long, drawn out sign escapes my lips. I don't think that I could open my eyes even if I wanted to. It would take just way too much effort.

I hear Brian laugh and I can't help but give a little huff myself. Sadly, that's about all I feel I can manage right now.

Fuck, that was so incredible.

And I lie here now…basking in the glow of it all.

God, I can't believe what Brian lets me get away with sometimes. Well, okay, it's not like I think he rules me or anything…not at all. But I have to admit and I'm sure he'd agree with me that since we got back together, we're pretty much equals, in every way.

But it's the times, like tonight, when he gives himself over so completely to me that I'm still a little shocked. Fucking happy as a pig in shit…but shocked.

I know he loves it when I fuck him. I don't think that he'd ever come right out and say it, but I know. If he didn't want me to, he wouldn't let me…simple as that. And if he didn't get off on it so completely, then he wouldn't go that wild and be that loud when I do.

I feel my groin twitch and I smile as I think about just how fucking loud he was tonight.

God, sometimes that thought alone is enough to make me shoot.

I guess it's that most of the time, Brian's this reserved, quiet guy…and unnecessary words to him are just that…unnecessary. So when he lets it all go and he's so vocal…like tonight…it makes that much more of an impact.

I know I'm rambling…my fucking head is reeling from the aftershock so I shake it softly, trying to bring my senses back along with some of the energy that I feel completely depleted of.

Nope, it doesn't work. I still feel drained and void of any coherent thought…but the buzz is great!

I feel a large smile creep across my face and I know I must look like a fucking idiot, but I don't care. I'm sure Brian's too wrapped up in himself to even spare me a glance.

I wonder, for like the zillionth time tonight…if Brian ever feels the way I do. I mean really FEELS it. I doubt it. And it's not that I mean to be cruel or cynical, but I just don't think he can. I think that after so many years of stuffing his emotions down, he got kind of desensitized to the whole feelings thing.

Not that he doesn't feel. He fucking feels more than most people, sometimes so intensely that the look on his face…that spilt second before he's able to raise the walls and fix the mask back in place…is heart wrenching. It really is.

So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he does feel the way I do, but he just can't express it…at least not in words. But then I know how Brian feels about words and actions…and after all the shit that I went through with Ethan…inwardly cringing at the thought of the fucker's name…I have to agree with Brian that most of the time, actions do speak louder, clearer, more precise and every fucking thing in between.

But then…sometimes…only words will do.

I sigh again, not as heavy as before, but this time with a little edge of defeat thrown in. I can't help it. Sometimes, especially when my minds fucking spinning out of control and my body's so relaxed, like now, I can't help but wish and hope that maybe one day….maybe…

Fuck me, Brian's right. I AM a drama queen. I can't help but smile at my silent declaration.

I feel the bed shift beside me and suddenly my body jerks sideways. Then a warm hand wraps around my waist and I feel the glow that I was experiencing just moments ago ignite again.

God, what he does to me with just a simple touch. It's incredible.

And all I hope is that he feels and thinks and needs and wants all the same things even half as much as I do, because I really don't know if I could ever…EVER survive without him.

But I can't even think about that. Won't let myself because I feel too good and…what's he up to now?

God, Brian…I

My mind is reeling again and I don't think…

Oh, yeah…fuck, yeah…

"Brian…"

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