Graphic: By Gundam Nook…Thank you!!

* * *

Author’s Notes: Written for The Challenge In Two Parts at… http://asylums.insanejournal.com/qaf_challenges/126095.html

* * *

“Jake!”

Fuck.

“Jake, stop!”

You know he’s only two, but he’s a fast little bugger.

Weaving your way through the sea of little bodies, you catch him, scooping him up in your arms. At first he protests, longing for the return of his freedom, but then you spin him around and his frown magically transforms into a wide smile, then a loud giggle as you twirl and twirl and twirl.

“More, Daddy!” he whines as you plunk down on a vacant chair, his little body held firmly in your arms.

You smile, slightly out of breath and really dizzy, his beautiful face a little blurry. “Daddy’s pooped.”

He laughs. You knew he would.

“Lemme down.” He wiggles free of your grasp, and you sigh, letting him go, resigning yourself to the chase once more.

“Justin?”

You look up, startled, but before you can manage a syllable you hear a scream and your attention darts across the room. Your first thought is how the fuck did he get that far, but it’s quickly replaced with one of concern as you see him lying on the ground.

You’re up and at his side within moments. His little arms go around your neck, his face pressed against your shoulder, tears soaking your shirt.

“Jake, what happened? You okay?”

“Fell, Daddy.”

You hear only sniffing now, knowing the tears have pretty much subsided. It can’t be too bad, you tell yourself, your heart still hammering in your chest.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

He nods.

“Where?” your concern meter shoots up a notch.

He reaches down, rubbing his bum.

You smile, realizing it’s more of a bruised ego than body, but pat his back and snuggle him impossibly closer anyway.

And just as quickly as it began, it’s over, and he’s wiggling in your arms again, impatiently. “Down, Daddy!”

“You stay with me this time, Jake.”

His eyes meet yours, so blue and innocent, and he smiles, nodding. So you let him go, and as he takes off for the other side of the playroom, you watch him glance back at you, his eyes full of mischief, and you can’t help but laugh out loud. He’s definitely your son.

“Justin.”

Right.

You see Jake playing with a mother and her son over by the blocks. You catch her eye and she smiles at you, signaling that she’s got it covered, so you sigh and look up, meeting his eyes.

Fuck. You’d forgotten those eyes.

“Brian.” You try for nonchalance, hoping you pull it off. You’re pretty sure you don’t.

He sits down in the chair next to you, looking hopelessly out of place in this indoor playground loaded with screaming kids, but he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by it all.

“How’ve you been?”

Okay, it’s lame, you admit it, but really, what the fuck do you say to your one-time fiancé, three, no, four years later?

“I’m good,” he nods, his eyes raking over you. “You look good.”

Yep, so he’s just as lame. It’s reassuring.

You smile. “I’m great.” And you are. Mostly. You cast a glance at Jake, and your smile brightens. He’s knocking over some blocks and laughing.

“Yours?” Brian asks.

“Yeah. He’s my son, Jake.”

“He’s beautiful.”

Brian sounds almost wistful.

“Thanks.” And then you remember just where you are, and ask, “And you’re here because?”

“Here? Gus. New York? Live here now.”

Leave it to Brian to knock you over with a shitload of information in so few words.

“You live in New York?” you gape.

He laughs. “Close your mouth, Sunshine, unless that’s an invitation. Though I have a feeling that this is not the place, don’t you agree?”

Smug. You remember smug. But you’re a little too stunned for full brain function right now, so a witty comeback eludes you.

“When?”

He shrugs, casually, but you know it’s for show. “A year or so.”

You feel winded again. A year. A whole fucking year he’s been here and you didn’t know. You remember he said it was only time, but time got away from you both, and you feel yourself wishing that you could somehow get it all back.

“Dad, this place’s cheap. When can we get outta here?”

“Gus?” you whisper.

Gus regards you with little more than a spared glance before he’s pulling at Brian’s arm. “Come on.”

“Gus, you remember Justin?”

His attention snaps back to you. “The Justin?”

Brian frowns. He hates to give anything away.

“Hi, Gus. Wow, you’ve gotten so big. How old are you now, eight?”

“Nine,” Gus states, as if you’ve made the greatest faux pas known to man. Indignant, just like his father.

You nod. Nine. Fuck, you’re old. You remember when…

“Come on, Dad. Let’s go!” Gus whines.

“Shit, are you sure you’re not Uncle Mikey’s kid?” Brian groans.

“Nope, all yours. And I’ve got the good looks to prove it,” Gus grins, and Brian rolls his eyes but you see a smile tugging at his lips.

“Daddy?”

Shit, you can’t believe you were so distracted that you actually forgot about your son. He lays his head on your knee and you glance at your watch. Nap time.

“Who’s this little man?” Brian asks.

“Jake, this is Brian and Gus,” you say, pulling the toddler into your arms.

“Hi,” he says sweetly, his cheek pressed against your chest, his body relaxing in your comforting arms, and you know that within minutes he’ll be asleep.

“Hi, Jake,” both Brian and Gus say in unison, then Gus’s pulling on Brian again.

“Okay, okay. Shit.”

“I think we’re gonna get going, too,” you whisper, standing up, your arms full of a sleeping Jake.

Brian nods, standing as well. You watch a range of emotions fly across his face before he asks, “Have you eaten?”

“Huh?”

“Lunch. Do you want to have lunch with us?” Brian finishes with a warm smile.

“Uh, well…” You do a quick mental checklist. Jake already ate. And he’s asleep.

You place Jake in his stroller then stand to face Brian, not sure whether to accept or decline. It all feels so strange, being there, seeing him again.

“Come on. Lunch it is,” Brian says, not waiting for a reply as he wraps his arm around your shoulder, an awakening thrill shooting through your body from the contact, as you follow Gus out of the indoor playground.

 

* * *

“Ah, crap,” Gus frowns, tucked on the inside of the booth, playing some electronic contraption that has him smiling then frowning then smiling again like some bi-polar lunatic.

You motion toward Gus. “Is he here for the summer?”

Brian nods. “For the month. Which trust me, is plenty.”

“Dad,” Gus groans, obviously not as engrossed in his game as you thought.

“What, an old man like me can only take so much of chasing after a pain in the ass kid.”

Brian smiles. Gus scoffs. He knows he’s full of shit. They both do.

And you’re shocked that Brian referred to himself as old, even if he was just kidding. You scrutinize him, finding a different man sitting before you than the one you left in Pittsburgh so many years ago.

“Like what you see, Sunshine?”

Caught.

You lick your lips unconsciously. His voice smooth and, missed, so missed.

You laugh. “No one’s called me that in a long time.”

A wave of sadness shadows you both as you remember Debbie. You can’t believe she’s gone.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it in for her funeral,” you say.

Brian shrugs. “You had a life.”

You nod. Yeah, it was just about the time that Jake was born. You couldn’t leave Rebecca all on her own. Shit, you haven’t thought about her in a while. You wonder how she’s doing. Maybe you should give her a call?

“I smell burning. Someone’s thinking too hard,” Brian grins.

“I was just…” you answer wistfully, but Brian cuts you off.

“So, tell me about Jake. Especially the how part.”

You laugh. He looks dumbfounded.

“My friend Rebecca and her partner wanted a baby,” you shrug, “I figured it was my only chance to be a father, so, I said yes. Only, when Rebecca was about seven months along, Jane, that was her partner, was killed in a car accident.” You regress. It was such a horrible time. You were so scared that…

“Justin.”

You look up, meeting a pair of concerned hazel eyes and smile, gently. “Anyway, Rebecca was a mess, and she decided that she didn’t want to do it on her own. I offered to be there, you know, be a part of it all, but…”

“But it was too much for her?” Brian finished.

“Yeah,” you nod. “So she gave him to me. I was there when he was born. She signed all the papers, and to make an even longer story short, he’s mine. All mine.” You look lovingly at Jake, still asleep in his stroller, and pull his soft, blue blanket a little higher up on his chest.

“He’s beautiful,” Brian states, his resemblance to you unmistakable.

You meet his eyes with a warm smile. “Thanks.”

 

* * *
 

Outside the restaurant you feel a little awkward, but Brian seems anything but.

“Where do you live?” he asks, and you wonder if your reoccurring dreams of him keeping tabs on your life for the past several years were all just a pathetic fantasy.

“Oh, ah, I’m just a few blocks that way,” you motion in your apartment’s general direction.

He nods. No confirmation.

“We’re this way,” he waves in the opposite direction.

“Right. Okay. Well, um…”

Gus is growing impatient again, tugging on Brian’s arm.

“How about lunch, tomorrow?”

You’re a little taken back, but before you can form a coherent response, Jake yawns loudly, stirs, then sits upright in his stroller. You lean down to him, rubbing his head soothingly, trying to calm his wickedly disheveled mop. “Hey, Jake.”

He yawns again, then asks sleepily, “Who’s dat?” pointing his sweet little hand at Gus and Brian.

“Um, those are Daddy’s friends. Remember?”

He shakes his head, shying back slightly, until Gus bends down, holding onto his stroller for balance. “Hi, Jake. I’m Gus.”

Gus smiles. Jake smiles back. “Hi.”

“That’s my Dad,” Gus motions toward Brian. “He looks mean, but he’s really not.”

“Smart ass,” Brian grumbles, catching Jake’s big blue eyes staring up at him. He figures he must look like a giant and bends down to stroller level. “Hi,” Brian ventures with a smile, and is visibly moved as Jake rubs his adorable fingers along Brian’s chin.

Brian stands, meeting your smile with his own. He clears his throat then tells you they’ll meet you tomorrow at noon. You nod and say goodbye to Gus then turn the stroller toward home, a wide smile plastered across your giddy face the entire way.

 

* * *

You wake unusually refreshed and try not to read too much into it.

Jake’s in his crib talking to his teddy bear, oblivious to your presence as you enter his room.

You stand back, watching, still rather amazed at the love you feel for him. He looks up, sees you and smiles, and your heart swells in your chest. You have to take a deep breath before you can move, emotions swirling madly inside you.

“Hey, Buddy,” you coo and he stands to meet you, arms stretched wide. You pick him up, hugging him tightly to your chest, his warm little body melting into yours, and he whispers the single work that makes your heart catch every time… “Daddy.”

You close your eyes and sigh.
 

* * *

You’re not certain about the time Brian had said to meet, so you’re at the restaurant at 11:45 sharp, figuring you’ll either be a little early or late, either suits you fine.

Jake doesn’t want to have anything to do with his stroller today, which is making you slightly nuts, as he tries to run up and down the small aisle beside your table, getting underfoot of the waitress who smiles politely down at you every time she passes. You know she’s about to explode.

“Jake, come here,” you try, and you’ve almost got him wrangled into a highchair when he spots Gus walking towards you and takes off again, this time throwing himself against his obviously new-found friend.

“Whoa!” Brian groans as Gus rebounds back against him from the force, but when you look at his face, all you see is his smile, one that reaches all the way up to his eyes and dances there.

“Come on, big man,” Brian says, scooping Jake up in his strong arms, placing him in the highchair and buckling him in. Brian slides into the booth, settling directly across from you and before Jake can begin to protest his restraints, Gus settles down next to Brian and starts to play with him.

“Thanks,” you say and Brian nods, waving you off.

You relax into the worn vinyl, feeling yourself sink down further as it molds to your body, your gaze darting back and forth between Gus and Jake then Brian, who seems to be intently engrossed in the menu. You know you should say something, but you really have no fucking idea what that should be.

Brian looks up, catching your stare and smiles. You can’t help it. You smile back.

“So, um, did you guys do anything special last night?” you attempt.

“Sure, we rented some R rated movies, popped open a few beers and just hung out,” Gus deadpans, glancing sideways at you as he continues to play with an action figure Jake has handed him.

You nod. “Good, so it was just a typical night then…”

Brian huffs out a laugh and you can’t help yourself as you stare back at him again, certain that a goofy grin is plastered across your seemingly hopeless face.

You can feel it already.

You’re screwed.

Fuck the whole time thing. You feel like you’re right back where you both started, only this time you’ve got a whole lot more to lose.

Brian must read the anxiousness on your face, as suddenly you feel his hand resting atop yours on the cool melamine table. His thumb rubs soothingly across yours and you take a shaky breath, releasing it slowly.

“Calm down, Sunshine. It’ll all be alright.”

You nod, smiling weakly, but feel a few of those tiny shards of your heart, that had fragmented away since that day you left him lying in your bed, as you headed to New York, begin to mend.
 

* * *
 

Somehow you find yourselves standing outside the restaurant again, but this time a little less awkward.

Just a little.

“Maybe you’d like to come over to my place?” Brian offers, and you can hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Uh, Jake really should get home…”

Brian scoffs. “He’s already asleep, and when he wakes he’ll have a ball.”

You glance down at your son sleeping peacefully in his stroller and figure, what the fuck. “Sure.”

“Good. I just need to make a small stop on the way there.”

“No problem. Lead the way.”

You head in the same direction as Gus and Brian had the day before, and smile as you take in the fresh air, the sights, the sounds. This is part of the reason you love New York. You can walk just about everywhere.

The conversation’s casual, and before you know it Brian’s leading you into a tasteful building, and you wish you’d been more focused to have noticed exactly where you were, but soon enough it’s perfectly clear as you push Jake’s stroller through a set of wide, thick glass doors etched perfectly with the word ‘Kinnetic’.

“Mr. Kinney…”

Someone rushes up to Brian and he solves some crisis with his unmistakable talented flair. You notice Gus disappear behind a wall to the right, so you politely follow him, and find yourself inside a place that is undoubtedly Brian’s office. The furniture is stunning but sparse and the aura screams ‘Brian’. You close your eyes, feeling almost engulfed in his space.

“Sorry, I had to…”

You open your eyes and wave him off, “No, no problem. So, this is yours”

Brian smiles back warmly. “All mine,” then settles himself down behind a large steel and glass desk, his leather chair squeaking softly as his large frame sinks into it.

“Wow,” you say in awe, a little too impressed to come up with anything else.

“I’ll just be a minute. Had to check on one thing,” he says, clicking hastily on his computer.

“No problem,” you repeat, mesmerized as you watch him work.

 

* * *
 

“Shit, this is incredible,” you’re impressed.

“Thanks. Do you want to park him here?”

“Uh, yeah, great,” you say, moving Jake’s stroller into the room and setting the brake. You know he’ll be up soon, so you take advantage of the quiet to move around the space, taking it all in. “It really reminds me of your loft in Pittsburgh.”

Brian hands you a water, downing half of the contents of his before he answers, “Yeah, well, except it has three separate bedrooms that are completely closed off. Gus needs his space when he’s here and then so do I. And the third is just there in case anyone comes to visit or…” He seems a little uncomfortable, but then finishes, “Mikey’s been here a few times, and Lindsay, so…”

You nod. You like this grown-up version of the Brian you knew.

“I’d love to see the rest of it,” you say, but before Brian can answer, a loud whine pulls your attention to Jake. Brows raised you shrug. “Rain check?”

“Of course.”

You both head over to Jake who’s blinking rapidly, trying to shake the remaining tug of sleep. “Can I?” Brian asks and you nod, watching as he leans down, unbuckling Jake, speaking low and soothing as not to startle him.

Jake smiles, wrapping his arms around Brian’s neck. You see him visibly startle then relax, and you can’t help but think that you really like this picture.

“Gus?”

“You want me to take you to see him?” Brian asks, and Jake nods enthusiastically, so you find yourself trailing along behind them as they head deeper into the apartment.

“Hey, Buddy, how was your nap?” Gus questions as Jake settles on his bed beside him.

“Good,” Jake answers, trying to mimic the way Gus’s sitting. It’s hysterically adorable and you have to try not to laugh.

“Why don’t I show you the rest of the place now?” Brian asks you, and you purse your lips and ask, “Jake, do you want to come with me?”

“No, Daddy, I stay here.”

“It’s fine. Go. I can watch him,” Gus says, already including Jake in the game he’s playing, trying to explain the premise and rules as a clueless but enthralled two year old listens.

“Come on, they’re fine.”

You nod, following Brian out of the room with only a slightly worried glance backward. You figure he’s in good hands.

“This is the spare room,” Brian announces as he opens the door and switches on the light. You ‘hmph’ and smile. “Nice.” You try not to notice the huge floor to ceiling windows that span the room, knowing they’re an artist’s dream, and make yourself not wonder if Brian had thought of that when he’d bought the place.

Next you’re on to the bathrooms, you count three, Brian’s office, which is exactly how you’d figured it would be, the kitchen, which is impeccably tasteful and sleek, back into the main room, which you’d already seen, then down toward Brian’s bedroom, which for some reason he seems hesitant to take you to, and has saved for last.

“And, uh, this is my room,” he states, opening the door and turning on the light.

You gasp.

It’s beautiful, but that’s not it.

Hanging right in your line of sight, over the huge platform bed, is one of your paintings.

“Brian?”

He seems shy, uncomfortable. He shrugs. “I had to have it.”

You nod.

“When?”

He rolls his lips inward, twisting them slowly, then meets your eyes. “Last year. I went to one of your shows and bought it.”

You can’t seem to stop nodding, as if you understand, when really, you don’t.

You remember that show, the painting. It’s a mesh of colors, flowing and blending into each other. To the average admirer, that’s all they’d see, but to someone who knew you, knows you, it’s love and passion and heartache all mixed together to form an awe inspiring piece of art.

“I didn’t know.”

“No, I made sure you wouldn’t.”

You turn to face him, his eyes soft, open. “Why?”

He doesn’t break your gaze. “I needed it.”

 

* * *

“Daddy, hungry.”

You feel a small pair of arms encircle your legs and look down. You smile.

“How about a snack?” Brian asks, and you stare at him, brows raised. He laughs. “I do have food, Sunshine.”

“Well, that’s another big change…”

“Just one of many,” he replies, heading out of the room, leaving you speechless.

Jake has a banana…and a cookie…and a glass of milk…and another cookie…

“Shit, there’s no doubt he’s your kid.”

“Yeah, my good looks aren’t the only thing he inherited.”

Brian nods. “Seems so.”

“Daddy, where Gus?”

Seems like someone’s got a new best friend. Before you can answer, Gus appears in the kitchen and Jake runs to him, grabbing his legs the way he does yours. It makes your heart jump.

“I think we should get going,” you say, not sure how much more you can take.

“No, Daddy, no,” Jake whines.

“Yes, Jake, it’s time to go.”

“You don’t have to…”

“Yeah, we do. We’ve been in your way long enough.” You don’t think you mean to sound harsh, but maybe you do.

“You’re not in the way.”

You pick up Jake then look at Brian, your heart clenching. It must show on your face because he reaches out, resting his large, warm hand on your shoulder, and you can’t help but ease into his still all too familiar touch.

“You’re not in the way, Justin,” he repeats, and you nod, stuttering out a breath.

You were right before. You’re fucked.
 

* * *
 

The next few days pass in a blur.

You get some work done, thankful that you don’t have any pressing shows coming up and can work at your own pace.

Brian seems to be in the same mode, working from home with the occasional stop at his office. He tells you that Gus is his priority when he’s in town and you smile, still amazed by this new Brian.

You wonder if you’re moving too fast. You haven’t seen or really even spoken to Brian in more years than you want to count, but now it seems as if you’re practically inseparable. You like it, you really fucking like it, but it also scares the shit out of you.

You end up at your place, holding your breath as you give Brian a tour, his opinion still mattering greatly. You smile when he tells you, “Nice,” knowing that it may not be his taste, but it’s tasteful nonetheless.

You show him a few pieces you’re working on and he nods appreciatively. You smile and feel yourself falling even further.

You’re invited to his place for dinner the following evening, so you stop off and pick up a bottle of wine, and when he opens the door, a dish towel hanging from one hand, you offer him the token and he smirks, but motions you in anyway. It all feels remotely like a date, well, except for the two kids involved, and that makes you inexplicably happy.

“You’re cooking?” you gasp, following him into the kitchen, a squirming toddler in your arms.

“Yep, and you’d better fucking like it.”

You let Jake down and hold your hands up in surrender, not bothering to remind him of all the times he’d made a rude comment or two when you’d made dinner, even if it was outstanding, of course.

“Hey, Jake,” Gus lilts as he comes into the kitchen, this time a little bit more prepared as Jake runs into him at full force. They laugh together and it’s a beautiful sound. “Come on, let’s go watch TV,” Gus says, and Jake happily follows him out of the room.

You move to follow, but Brian stops you. “They’ll be fine. Gus is used to watching over his sister.”

Right. You’d forgotten. “How is Jenny Rebecca?”

Brian makes a gagging noise and shakes his head, “How the fuck could they name her that? Seriously. Pick one. Jenny. Rebecca. The kid's gonna have enough problems in life.”

You laugh. It’s true.

“How is she?” you ask again, and he shrugs.

“Good, fine, everyone’s fine. Maybe you should give someone a call to find out for yourself?”

He’s not accusing, just being honest, being Brian. But he’s right. You should, so you don’t bother with an excuse.

Instead you change the subject.

“So, what’s for dinner? I’m starving.”

He chuckles. “Of course you are. We’re having steak and baked potatoes with asparagus. Happy?”

You watch him working around the kitchen with an easy smile, smell the wonderful aromas from the meal that he’s cooked for you and realize that, yeah, you are. You really are.
 

* * *

“Argh, I’m stuffed,” you moan, leaning back on the sofa, your eyes closed.

You startle when you feel his hand on your belly, rubbing gentle circles, and your eyes fly open.

“Sorry,” he whispers, pulling his hand back.

“No,” you say, taking his hand in yours. You squeeze gently and place it back on your stomach, appreciative of the attention.

You feel the air shift and can’t help but ask, “What happened?”

You watch his face. He twists his lips and closes his eyes, his hand stills its motion.

“Brian.”

He meets your gaze, his eyes so green and clear. He shrugs and speaks so quietly when he answers. “I don’t know. I mean, I missed you so fucking much at the beginning, and every time I’d speak to you it was like I was cut wide open again. I couldn’t handle it. So eventually I just stopped being around when I knew you were gonna call.”

You understand.

You felt exactly the same.

“I wanted to come home so badly,” you say, taking his hand in yours, your fingers entwining instinctively. “But then time passed, and then there was Rebecca and Jake and…”

“Life got in the way,” he says, and you nod. He takes a deep breath and says, “I still love you. That’s never changed.”

Your stomach flips and you can’t help but beam a smile. The words seem so free to him now.

“I love you, too.” You want to scream, but it comes out as barely a whisper. The answering smile on his face lets you know he heard.

He raises your hand, kissing it sweetly and you sigh.

“So what now?” you ask, because you’re not that naïve seventeen year old anymore, and you have responsibilities like you’d never had before.

He hesitates, and you wonder if he’s changed as much as you think.

He takes a deep breath, the smile never wavering from his gorgeous face, and says, “Now we begin.”

You nod.

You were wrong.

He has changed.

He’s the man you always wanted him to be without losing the man he should be.

He shifts closer and you lick your lips, shuddering as his mouth presses against yours.

You moan, or maybe it’s him, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling his hair gently as his tongue slips into your mouth. It’s warm and still familiar and you can’t remember ever feeling so excited.

“Brian,” you groan as he pulls back, resting his forehead against yours, panting in your face.

He smiles. “I missed that.”

“Mmm,” you mumble, pushing against the back of his head, wanting more.

“The kids,” he whispers, and you stop.

“Fuck, I forgot,” you laugh.

He wraps his warm, gentle hands around either side of your face, his thumbs brushing sweetly across your cheekbones as he stares deep into your glassy eyes and says, “Later, Justin. There’s always later.”

You smile.

Your heart swelling in your chest.

“Later.”
 

* * *

Epilogue:

“Shit, we’re gonna be late.”

“Calm down, Sunshine. We’ll be fine.”

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into fucking when you know we’ve gotta pick Gus up at the airport.”

Brian scoffs. “Talk you into it? You practically attacked me.”

You hesitate, shrug. “Whatever. Just hurry up.”

“Come on, Daddy, let's get Gus,” Jake urges, pulling on Brian’s pant leg, giggling wildly as he scoops him up, tossing him high into the air.

“I’ve been ready for an hour,” Brian says innocently. “Tell Daddy.”

“Daddy!” Jake whines.

You turn, ready to strike out an answer, but can only smile, both of their beautiful faces staring back at you.

You’ve got it, what you always wanted.

Brian.

Kids.

A family.

“Come on,” you urge, heading out the front door. “Let’s go get Gus.”
 

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