Tripping on Memory Lane

“It’s tragic, is what it is,” Mark said, looking up at one of the new large flat screens TVs that Matt had installed in O’Keefe’s. They had HD, all the bells and whistles, perfect for watching sports. But this being one of the brothers’ Saturday morning get-togethers, which they tried to do a couple times a month during soccer’s off-season, just to keep up with each other, by some unspoken rule, sports weren’t allowed on the fancy sets. Caused too much arguing, I supposed. Instead, they opted for news, because, in this family, politics and current events were less controversial than the latest trade by Manchester United. Go figure.

“What’s tragic?” Jamie asked. He, John, Danny and I had just joined the group. Danny and I knew better than to ask – the sensitive looking face of the young man in glasses looking back in high definition had been filling the gay media for days. I could tell from the look on his usually deadpan face that John, the father of two boys in the age range of these poor kids, that he was as aware of the problem as we were. Maybe more. Now that this kid’s body had been found and he was confirmed as the fifth death of a gay young person connected to bullying in the span of a month, even straight America was shaking its head and asking why.

Like it was a big surprise. Gays don’t feel the warm fuzzies of life in the home of the free and land of the brave, American Pie and Chevrolet? Of course, that image is about as solid as the financial status of good old Chevy, but even so, it is a hell of a lot better to be on the inside of the Norman Rockwell painting than on the outside, being dragged down the street while tied to the bumper of that old Chevy.

But, I digress. I pulled Danny close as we took our customary seats at a booth. He had his game face on and his body was tense. I knew he was upset over what had been happening with so many young gay kids dying, but right now, this reaction? It was personal. He was afraid of what shit his brothers might say. Some of them still had a tendency to put their over-sized feet in their even bigger mouths and Danny was feeling too emotional to take it with his usual spunk.

“What’s fucking tragic is that kids are dying, not because of the homophobes, but because of all the so-called good people, who stand back and do nothing while asshole bullies make their jokes, and push and shove, and kick and punch, and keep escalating the torment until you can’t fucking take it any more.”

I didn’t realize I’d said that out loud until I lifted my head from nuzzling Danny’s hair and saw that the whole gang was staring at me, eyes wide, mouths open but for once, quiet.

“Don’t tell me you were ever bullied like these kids, Kinney,” Jamie said, shifting his big frame uneasily on his seat. “You don’t even look....”

“Like a faggot?” I raised an eyebrow. John and Joey traded looks. Joey knew a bit about what I’d gone through in college – hell, he’d been a major reason I made it through unscathed...mainly unscathed. He had my back through the four years at Penn State, not caring that I was gay as long as I could play soccer well. I wondered about John – he had been in law school when Joey and I were in college. He saw me looking at him and smiled faintly before answering my unspoken question.

“Joey isn’t as dumb as he seems – unlike Jamie, who is even dumber than he seems.”

“Hey!” John ignored Jamie’s indignant yelp, which Matt also frowned down, and continued.

“He called me when he found out he had a gay roommate – not because he minded, but because he wasn’t sure of the best way to handle it in terms of getting the team to accept you since he was a freshman also. I’d been the captain for two years and knew most of the players – and I knew they could be vicious in their hazing even without the gay thing. But I...we...thought that Joey was able to stop most of it, Brian. Did you still go through a lot?”

Danny moved away to the bar and I let him go without comment. He was seething and while I thought I knew why, it wasn’t my place to say anything. If he wanted to call his brothers on their very different treatment of him, he would. I simply said, “It helped a lot to have Joey watching my back. But even then, you know the difficulties there were – not ‘looking gay’ and being on a team, and good at the sport. And I never ‘came out’ in high school. Mikey and I took girls to the prom and even then, there were plenty of times we had to fight, but I was the one who had his back then. I can tell you it is a thousand times harder coming out in high school, which is why a lot of us never do it, not openly. It takes a lot of courage.”

“Or stupidity,” Jamie laughed.

“Can I hit him?” Joey asked Matt.

Matt started to nod permission but then got up himself and walked over to his younger brother who was the only one taller and broader than him. He lifted him up and shook him, hard; the startled look on his face was priceless. Even Danny cracked a smile. Until Matt started yelling at him, then we all sobered.

“What is it ye find funny about five precious young ones ending their lives, you young fool! And you the father of three wee sons yeself now! If I cannae shake the sense into ye I will let John and Joey have at ye to beat it into ye. Ye’re a doctor, for God’s sake, have more respect for human life.”

Jamie looked chastened and ashamed – but with a bit of stubborn thrown into the mix. Boy did I know O’Keefe expressions. Before he could say a word though, Danny finally spoke. To my surprise, his words weren’t heated, he was in complete control. You’d almost think it was John talking. Maybe that was the trick to John’s effectiveness as a trial lawyer. Because as Danny spoke in a low, reflective voice, you could see his words hitting all of his brothers like blows – from tiny sticks and stones.

“You’re all judging Jamie, but is he really saying anything that the rest of you didn’t think back when you were in school yourselves? How about when I was in school? Let me take you on a trip back down memory lane since you are so shocked and saddened by what happened to these boys, and you wonder how could it happen? Where were the school administrators, the parents, the good kids? I’ll tell you, they’re all a part of it, because it’s so integral a part of our society to isolate the gay student, to make them feel outcast, that you ‘normal’ people don’t even see it.”

“Danny, you don’t really believe that,” Mark protested. Danny looked coldly at him.

“It isn’t a question of believing it, Mark. I lived it. And you all closed your eyes to it and let it happen. Why do you think I never lived a summer at home after I turned eighteen? When I ‘stupidly’ came out at sixteen, I was told by our father to change. He pretended to Mama to accept who I was, in exchange for my agreeing to give up Juilliard and go to Penn, but that isn’t what happened. The very next week, he set me up to be attacked in the hopes that it would convince me that I didn’t really want to be gay after all.”

All hell broke loose for a minute.

“Danny, you don’t mean that.” Mark exclaimed in an appalled voice.

“That’s got to be bullshit!” Jamie muttered, although his expression showed his doubt.

“Dad would never have done that!” Joey insisted, his faith in his father still strong despite all that they’d learned in recent months about old Pat.

“Sounds exactly like something he’d do,” John said, shaking his head.

“Let Danny tell the story and try to be quiet for once,” Matt ordered. His expression was incredibly sad.

He knows, I thought, surprised. Somehow, he already knows. Even I didn’t know the whole story, but Matt somehow knew. I wondered how – and why he never told the others. Danny must have reached the same conclusion because he was looking at Matt with hurt in his green eyes.

“You knew and never said anything?” His voice was in its deepest register, where it always went when he was having trouble reining in his emotions. I wanted to go over to him and wrap my arms around him but I knew he would reject such a gesture. He’d stood on his own from the time he was sixteen. He’d let me hold him afterwards but not now.

“Julie told me part of it, what she saw and we guessed some of it from that. I went to Dad and tried to talk to him but he denied all. I should have gone to you but you seemed fine and ... well, you tell your part and then I’ll tell mine. But,” he looked sternly at his brothers, “Danny’s never told anything but the truth to any of us and to my sorrow, I cannae say the same about our father. We followed Patrick’s lead for far too long – in too many ways. He was a good man in his way, but he failed some of his children shamefully. And Danny stands at the top of that list.”
No one dared challenge Matt this time, though personally, I thought Mary Pat and Angel had gotten the shaft as well, though in completely opposite ways. The tomboy and the princess. To think I once thought the O’Keefe parents were perfect. And still, flawed as they were, their kids didn’t have it all that bad, I thought, looking around. Pat and Rose did the best they could – they just had fucked up judgment at times. In Pat’s case, really fucked up judgment.

But if you were told by the Church your whole life that your kid would burn in eternal hellfire if he was gay – what would you do? Rose changed churches. Pat tried to change his kid.

Danny’s rich voice held his brothers’ full attention as he told of the post season soccer game his high school team had gone to in Philadelphia. He and his best friend, James Tucker, were co-captains, and roomed together in the hotel the team was quartered at.

“Usually the guys were in quads but our assistant coach, Bryn Jones, knew there would be a fuss about rooming with me, so he quietly worked it out that some rooms were trips, a few were doubles, and the rest quads. As captains, Tucker and I scored a double. Tuck was fine rooming with me, thank God, and he had a girlfriend on the cheerleader squad who went on the trip too so there was no risk of anyone making comments about us being a couple. Which had started happening to any guy I talked to more than two minutes. Don’t get me wrong, the guys on the team were pretty good, considering. But they’d been thrown. And the signals they were getting from the Coach weren’t helping. He kept looking at me like I’d died. He wanted the whole ‘queer issue’ to go away. So a few tried making jokes, and the jokes got nastier as the week had gone on, and Coach would laugh and I’d ignore it, and they figured, okay, this is a way to win points. The funny thing is, the guys on the team who I knew were also gay but were in the closet, they were the first ones to get on my case in a big way.”

He laughed mirthlessly and we shared a look. It was always that way. In school, at work, hell, in Congress. The closeted ones yell the loudest against gays, so afraid someone would guess their secret.

“I forget exactly how Coach O’Leary worked it – I’d been heading out sightseeing to give Tuck some quality time with his cheerleader in the room and Coach stopped me in the hallway. He just started chatting. It was the first time he’d acted friendly in the week since I’d told him I was gay, but he was really strange about it.”

“Strange how?” John the lawyer interjected sharply.

“Like his smile had too much teeth in it. And when Coach Bryn came out of his room down the hall he hustled me onto the elevator before I could call out to him. That’s when he told me there was an extra practice scheduled that evening and that I was to meet up with the team at a certain spot.”

“You’d have needed your gear – you wouldn’t have been sightseeing in cleats,” Joey objected.

Danny nodded. “He’d thought of that. Told me he’d have one of the guys bring my gear and not to worry about coming back early. Anyway, long story short. I had a great time in Philadelphia. Flirted for the first time with a boy even.” He shot me a smile – I was glad to see it. I was beginning to think his sense of humor was gone. I winked at him. Nothing quite like the first time you have your first experience of feeling that attraction to your same sex returned. Can still get off on the memory.

Danny’s smile faded as he continued his story. “I got to the field Coach had told me to go to. No one there from our team. A bunch of guys at the other end but not our guys. I decided to warm up and put my jacket and stuff on the bleachers near this respectable looking guy who had his nose in a book – thought I was being smart because I left my H.S. jacket there, but totally forgot that I was wearing an O’Keefe’s Pub t-shirt. Which I realized was a problem when I rounded the curve of the track and got close enough to see that the guys at the other end were the team we would be playing the next day.”

“Shit.” I couldn’t tell which brother muttered that. Maybe more than one. Maybe me. I know Danny looked at me as he nodded grimly.

“Yeah. They recognized me right away, the t-shirt gave me away, I guess, though the long hair didn’t help. And I don’t know, maybe they had Danny O’Keefe dart boards in their locker room, but they took off after me. I tried running but I felt some mud hitting me. If I thought I could get back to the bleachers I’d be okay but I knew they were gaining on me, so I turned to face them down. I tried apologizing for seeming to spy on their practice, then I tried bluffing, but they weren’t buying it.”

“What’d you do?”

“I had no choice, one of them pulled a switchblade. I had to defend myself.”

“Fuck.”

“Jesus Christ! What about the man on the bleachers?”

“How did you not get killed?”

“I’m told I did pretty well, but there were more of them than I could take out, and there was that knife. If I hadn’t tripped, I might even have been okay, but I lost my footing and suddenly, I was face down in the mud with a knee in my back, a couple more holding my arms pinned and a guy hacking away at my hair with the switchblade.”

You could see as each of the brothers thought back and remembered Danny’s sudden “decision” to cut his hair short right after he came out.

“Why wasn’t your team there?” Joey asked the question angrily.

“How did you get out of that...that....” Jamie didn’t know what to call it.
“Trap?” Danny gave him the word. “It all had actually happened quite fast. The man sitting on the bleachers had been keeping an eye on me but he was hesitant to step in. Fortunately, another man arrived who had been sent by Coach Bryn to look out for me, and the guy in the bleachers pointed me out to him right away. Neither of them anticipated it getting violent so quickly. And....” Danny’s smile flashed, “Terrell Jennings has never been a fast runner, though he is a hell of a fighter. I knew someone had arrived to rescue me when I felt the pressure lift off my back. Terry was tossing kids left and right but I was too out of it to fully appreciate it.”

“Bryn had known this was going to happen?”

“He’d known something might happen. He’d heard Dad and Coach O’Leary talking though Dad knew enough to keep Bryn out of it. They’d planned it right here in the Pub. I was to be separated from the team and shown what my life would be like as an outsider, an outcast, with no one at my back. They figured if they sent me alone to where the other team was practicing, I’d get into trouble fast enough. That year’s team from Philadelphia was known for being pretty tough. Bryn found out where O’Leary planned to send me and was able to get his friend Terry to travel to Philadelphia for the sole purpose of being on hand to rescue me if I needed it. As it turned out, I was shaken once he did get me away from my attackers, I almost fled Terry, thinking he might be some pedophile.”

“And he might have been. And if he hadn’t been there, anything could have happened to you,” Joey pointed out. “What could have been going through Dad’s head? Danny might have been killed!”

“Dad was terrified,” Mark said. “Terrified that Danny was different. He truly thought he was doing something to save him. And he never would have thought that this plan of his would lead to serious consequences. Just like us when we used to prank each other – we never thought of the possible consequences, only of the prank.” Trust Mark, the “understanding” brother, to try to understand even the most heinous action their father could devise. John and Joey were looking a bit incredulous but Jamie looked relieved to have some explanation, any explanation, that made their father less of a devil. Maybe having boys of his own now, he was still getting used to seeing both sides of the dilemma; I know having Gus made me look at some of my dad’s actions a bit differently. Danny, though, still saw some things in black and white.

“I don’t agree – not completely, Mark. Perhaps in some way he was concerned for me but I think the bigger part of his motivation was control. I wasn’t following his rules and while Mama could shield me to a certain extent, that also added to his resentment. She didn’t like Fr. Xavier. I think she always sensed something was wrong with the way he treated her, and she was happy to have a reason to change to Fr. Baker’s far kinder, more compassionate church. Trouble was, she didn’t ask Dad what he wanted, she just told him. Because he couldn’t blame her, he blamed me. He couldn’t physically punish me, but he arranged for this punishment and rationalized it as being a ‘lesson’ I had to learn. And yet, what was the lesson? I wasn’t beaten for being gay – turned out that news hadn’t reached Philadelphia. How the hell did he think it would? I was beaten up for being an O’Keefe – and isn’t that an ending fit for a Greek story?”

“Nah, you didn’t die, you only lost your hair for a short time,” Joey said, rubbing the wavy dark hair which was back to its usual length.

“Do ye know what those other kids did though?” Matt demanded angrily. He’d been quiet while the story was told, but now he stood before his brothers like an avenging god from one of those Greek plays Danny alluded to.

“Danny’s right. I should have done something years ago, when it first happened. I am so sorry, lad, that I didn’t. Seeing now, what has happened to these other boys, Danny, please tell me ye were never in a place where ye wanted to end your life.”

It was startling to see big strong Matt with tears in his eyes as he walked over to his youngest brother and clasped his hands. Danny pulled him into a hug. The rest of the O’Keefes stood by awkwardly, not sure if they should offer apologies too, or hugs, not completely sure yet if they were apologizing for mistakes in the past, or the mistakes they continued to make. Danny looked at Matt as he gently pulled back. He moved away enough so that he could encompass all five of his brothers in what he had to say next.

“I know this is the point where I should tell you it was all okay – but it really wasn’t. There was a point when I first realized that Dad was involved in what had happened to me – I was sore, scared, alone with a guy I didn’t know in a strange city, looking like a freak with these random sections cut out of my hair, and believe me, it might seem funny to you but it was far from funny to me – I felt totally alone and worthless. If Terrell had not stayed with me all through that night, cheering me up – getting a friend of Sam’s to come fix my hair – and convincing me that it wasn’t my fault that my father did such a thing to me, I’m not sure what I would have done.”

“Fuck, Danny!” I couldn’t help it. The idea of strong, brave, religious Danny ever being in such a place – and being there just a week after Joey and I had sent him back from Penn State in what I blithely thought was a happy homo frame of mind – at least I’d thought he was in a good place, I felt gut punched. I know his brothers all did too.

“We failed you, all of us,” Mark admitted.

“We meant well,” Joey said sheepishly. “But we treated Brian better than we did our own brother.”

“I noticed that,” Danny said. “I used to wonder why it was okay for him yet so bad for me to be gay.”

“It’s no wonder ye got involved with that woman your senior year,” Matt said. “None of us were there for you lad. I’m so sorry.”

“Apology accepted. And it got better. Your Julie was really supportive to me, so was Mickey. And Brian used to let me call him up at school and bitch. After the Philadelphia incident, Bryn kept an eye on me. I think Terry told him how badly shaken I’d been. I was never without a support group, but I won’t lie and tell you that there still weren’t times it was really hard. And you’re possibly right, Matt. If I hadn’t missed being part of the family so much, I don’t think I would have become sexually involved with Judith – and while she was a major plus for my dancing – she did a number of my head that took me quite a while to get over.”

“How did Judith make you closer with the family? I would think dating a woman more than twice your age would have sent Mama and Dad through the roof!” Jamie was confused, but glad to have a new topic. Especially one that left him in the clear since he was away at college during Danny’s senior year at high school.

“You would think so,” Mark said grimly. “That was one time Dad had his way and Mama bit her tongue – clear through I would think. But Dad was thrilled about Danny seeing Judith. He thought Judith would ‘cure’ Danny so he pushed the relationship, and allowed all sorts of outrageous....” Mark pressed his lips together tightly.

Danny grinned. “Did you know she once slept over in my bedroom at the house and Dad just beamed and made her breakfast the next day?”

“You didn’t!”

“No fucking way!”

“Mama would have killed you!”

“Mama was away,” Matt said quietly. “But Julie put an end to that stunt as I recall.”

Danny lowered his eyes. “She talked to Dad, which I enjoyed, but then she talked to me, which....I didn’t. I was more sorry for that than for anything I ever got lectured for from either Mama or Dad. She made me think beyond my battle with Dad.”

“What happened with Danny’s hair?” I asked the question that everyone else had avoided. Straight sex held no titillation for me.

Danny glanced out the window. I thought perhaps he didn’t want that part of the tale told, but he nodded and waved his hand in assent when Matt asked, “May I tell them?

“I got this part of the story from Julie and our Matt, who was on the team too, though just a sophomore. He called us crying, telling his mother and me that Danny was missing and no one was doing anything. The boy was hysterical because he couldn’t get the coach to call the police. I couldn’t get O’Leary to take my call so I called Dad. He insisted he would drive down there, that there was probably some misunderstanding. He didn’t want me to go, but he couldn’t stop Julie from going too. She told him she was going for her son’s sake even if Danny was okay. Truth was, she had a funny feeling about how Dad was acting.”

“She never said a word to any of us,” Mark said, frowning. “Neither did you.”

“Let me finish then we can discuss my bad decision,” Matt told him.

Danny was still by the window so I walked over to him. To hell with his solitary stands. He was going to have to push me away. Jennings had been a good friend to him – I still hated the guy but I was damn glad he was there when Danny needed someone. Maybe I overestimated Danny’s need to stand alone. Jennings once said something to that effect to me but I dismissed it, thinking that he couldn’t possibly understand Danny better than me. But this little trip down memory lane was making me question a few assumptions. I wasn’t the only one, I suspected, from the various degrees of stunned looks that graced the handsome O’Keefe faces that surrounded me.

“Julie and Dad were in the stands along with the rest of the families and friends who made the trip to support the boys. O’Leary told them that Danny had been found safe but they hadn’t had a chance to see or talk to him. When he first appeared with his team on the sidelines, Danny had a hat on, covering his hair, but he tossed it aside when he took the field, and you can bet he caused a bit of a stir since his long hair was gone, and you all know it was his trademark.”

“Like the Dark Angel’s hair,” I said softly. Matt looked over and nodded slightly but didn’t pause. “Well, the bigger stir came when the other team took the field – wearing headbands sporting locks of our brother’s hair, some braided, some long and curling, but no one there had any doubt whose hair it was. Bedlam erupted.”

“Hadn’t you reported the attack?” John asked, even now reacting like a lawyer, while his other brothers were flipping out. To tell the truth, though, I was wondering the same thing. Gay bashing was one thing – often no point in reporting that – but this was one kid team attacking the star player from another.

“Danny chose his own revenge. He led the team to a romp, taking back the headbands each time they scored, or stole the ball...am I right, lad?” Matt did manage a smile then, recalling that part of the story.

“Your Matt got three back – he was on fire that day,” Danny told him, smiling briefly.

“I had to swear to his wife that those locks of hair belonged to his uncle and not a former girlfriend. She wouldn’t believe him – and then when I convinced her they were yours, she wasn’t all that sure it was any better.”

We laughed, which helped to relieve the tension. Eventually, by unspoken agreement, the talk moved back to the normal Saturday topics. I think only I noticed that Danny wasn’t really participating. The Dark Angel, or at least, a variation of that personae, had taken his place. I knew from the way he tossed his hair and teased Jamie, Joey and John without mercy. He also avoided Matt and Mark for the most part. Me – he flirted with me outrageously – and his public displays of affection, hell, of unadulterated lust were just this side of Babylon’s backroom material. Certainly enough to make Mark’s cheek’s turn a bit pink and even Joey was looking at the TV a bit more avidly than a non-sports show would warrant. That Matt wasn’t telling him to cool it was a sign of how troubled he was by the discussion earlier.

And Danny was waiting for Matt to tell him to cut it out – didn’t the dumb Irish lug realize that? The poor kid wanted to feel normal. Thank God for John. I could barely see, what with Danny’s tongue probing my tonsils, but I caught a glimpse of his expression and knew he was tired of waiting for Matt to find his balls. John’s quiet but compelling voice penetrated the general murmur of O’Keefe noise:

“Danny, you’ve got more than enough houses between the two of you, head off to one of them if you’ve got to get your rocks off. If the rest of us wanted to watch porn, we’ve got these nice big screen TVs, over two hundred channels, and no blood relationship with any of the actors.”

“Is that it or is it ....”
John didn’t even let Danny finish. “Please! Do you have any interest in watching Joey with Sally? Or Me with Micky? Or Jamie with Daphne....” He paused. “Do we think Daphne will ever want to have sex with Jamie again after triplets?” John raised an eyebrow.

As a distraction, it was a good one and should have worked. All of the other brothers were amused. But Danny wasn’t himself. I could feel the tension in his slim body. He smiled – a perfunctory smile at best – and told John, “You’re right of course. I’m completely out of line. We’ll head out. Sorry for being such a...whatever.”

“Danny! Ye don’t have ta leave!” Matt looked dismayed. He glared at John, who just shrugged.

“No, Matt, I do,” Danny smiled again, and this time it was more genuine. “John is right – and you should have said what he did, so don’t blame him. I’m too old to be playing the brat but sometimes we find ourselves reverting to the roles that are familiar, don’t we?”

Matt looked on helplessly, Mark by his side, Jamie and Joey together while John stood alone, as we left with just a wave. No hugs. No assurances about being back next time. I wondered if we would. Something seemed, if not broken, a little bit cracked. The facade of the unbreakable bond of brotherhood between these six. I was glad that Danny didn’t seem to have considered leaving me behind, yet I felt torn. I loved Danny completely, without reservation, but I was close friends with two of his brothers and liked the others a hell of a lot. Which was saying something, because I once would have said it wasn’t possible to be friends with a straight man, not really friends, not in the same way I was friends with Mikey.

Had I changed or had they?

Was Danny clinging to old grudges or had their failure to be there for him, in the way that Terry Jennings and Bryn Jones had been there for him, forever put them in the “other” box, the one for people you were supposed to love because they were family but who you didn’t really care about the way you did your gay friends, who knew what it was like on the inside?

For fuck’s sake, Danny had considered killing himself like those kids on the news.

As soon as we reached the lake – our usual place for going to when we needed to think – we started walking at a fast pace. I knew he would need to burn off some of his anger before he would be able to listen to anything. I was breathing fast by the time he finally started to slow, and was glad he didn’t resist when I pulled him off the path and over to a bench that was set under a cluster of trees. It was semi-private and with an early chill in the air, there weren’t many people around. I pulled him into my arms and just held him for several minutes, his head tucked under my chin, my hands pressed against his broad back. I rubbed my cheek against his hair.

“You know,” I said quietly after a while, “someone once told me that I don’t let you cry, because I ascribe to the same bullshit idea that big boys don’t cry that our dads spouted. That isn’t true, you know. I’ve shed more tears over you, green eyes, than I’ve ever kept in, in a lifetime of biting back the tears. Because when it really matters, you’ve got to let the tears out. When someone you love is hurt, when you’re really hurting, and especially when you’re remembering something really bad, like a really bad trip down memory lane, like when some mother fuckers cut off some of your superfine hair.”

Danny hiccupped, a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. Within seconds, though, there was no doubt that the sobs were winning. I discovered that there is a great deal of satisfaction to be had in being there for the man you love when he needs you to hold him, when he lets you see him be weak and lets you be strong for him.

“I felt so bad, Bri,” Danny whispered, his voice raspy. “I didn’t want to have to see my Dad ever again. I couldn’t see how I could face him, knowing he’d done this. And there was nowhere to go.”

“I wish I could have come and gotten you,” I whispered soothingly. “But the important thing is, it got better. And it is so much better now.”

“I know. But it hit me so hard, reading of those kids, and hearing the guys talking. They don’t know; they don’t get it.”

“They get it a lot better now than they did. And they’re trying. But they don’t matter as much as the kids out there who are like you were. Who are like those kids were, the ones who still need help and can be helped. Those are the ones to focus on. Joey’s foster son was one of those boys, you know.”

I felt Danny nodding. “He made a difference. That’s what I want to do. Help someone like Terry did me. Reach out.”

“You don’t want to adopt a teenager – do you?” I felt a chill. Fortunately, he was shaking his head no.

“I barely have enough time for Briana. No, I mean encouragement. Like the ‘It Gets Better’ project.”

Relieved – I was done bringing teenagers home – I agreed. “I’ll do it too. We can use the equipment at the office, or even what’s at the Loft and edit it at the office for uploading. You say when.”

“Now....before I lose my nerve.”

I brushed his hair back from his face and kissed him. “Never gonna happen. You’re one of the bravest men I know. And you know what?”

It was Danny’s turn to look quizzical, raising one eyebrow and tipping his head slightly. I smiled – I never could resist that look.

“As afraid as you were, as lost as you felt – you always would have faced what lay ahead – because that’s the kind of person you are. Never forget that. Now let’s go make a tape and tell some other gay boys and girls that they can be that kind of person too.”

“Even when they get tripped up and are face down in the mud?” That mobile black eyebrow went even higher.

“Especially then, as that’s when you can be pretty certain – it’s gonna get better.”

As we got up and walked away, arms around each other’s waist, I thought that maybe I owed Jennings some flowers, for making sure this boy had the chance to see that better day.

Damn, and I really hadn’t wanted to like the guy.


[Author’s Note: The Trevor Project is a non-profit organization whose mission is to end suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth. It is the leading national group focused on crisis and suicide prevention among LGBTQ teens in the U.S. today. You can learn more at www.thetrevorproject.org . Currently, the video project started by columnist Dan Savage, “It Gets Better” has been gathering attention worldwide, with proceeds benefitting the Trevor Project. You can see videos and even upload your own (Hillary Clinton did!) at www.itgetsbetterproject.com . Bullying must end and we can all be part of the solution!]
 

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