Rosebud! The word echoed through the loft as the picture faded to black.

Brian and Justin sat silent as the credits rolled at the end of the film. Neither moved and neither of them said anything.

After a bit, Justin sniffed and reached for a tissue. He blew his nose and turned to look at Brian. Brian wasn't in much better shape. His eyes glistened with tears that he refused to let fall. He stared off into space like he was somewhere else … and he was.

Justin blew his nose and then looked at Brian again. Brian's eyes were still vacant and far away.

"Brian," Justin said gently. "Brian." There was no reaction. "Brian!" Justin said a little louder and touched Brian's arm.

"Huh?" Brian said glancing around and returning to the loft from wherever he had been.

"Are you okay?" Justin said with a frown.

"Of course I am," Brian said drawing in a breath and sitting up ramrod straight. "I need a beer."

"I could use one too."

They both stood and headed for the kitchen. Brian opened the door and leaned inside. Justin watched him swipe at his eyes before pulling out two beers. Brian deliberately turned his back and twisted the caps. His hand went to his face once more before turning to give Justin the bottle of beer.

"Cheers," he said as he clinked his bottle with Justin's. His forced good humor didn't ring true with Justin.

They each took a drink.

"That was an interesting movie," Justin offered.

"You think so?"

"Don't you?"

"It's considered a classic," Brian said smugly. He had regained control of himself and he intended to keep it.

"I can see why. That last shot of the sled brought back all the memories Kane had of his childhood and how much it hurt."

Brian stared at Justin. "You really got it, didn't you?"

"Um, what do you mean? Did I understand the movie? Did I get Kane's pain? Did I understand what drove his life? Of course I did," Justin declared.

Brian smiled.

"What?" Justin asked.

"A while ago I had a trick here and he asked me if I'd ever seen 'Citizen Kane'. I said yeah and he proceeded to tell me it was a stupid black and white movie about a fat man and a fucking sled."

"No shit! I guess you've developed better taste since then." Justin grinned at him.

"Guess so," Brian said back. "At least you saw the reason for the sled and why it was important."

"It made me cry."

"Why?" Brian asked curious as to what about the film struck home with Justin. He knew why it affected him the way it had.

"I guess it was kind of like when my dad kicked me out."

"Ah, your lost youth."

"It hurt so much. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You would have been better off if you never met me."

"Brian, don't say things like that. It's not true. My life would have been so different if you hadn't been there for me," Justin said softly.

"You wouldn't have been at that fucking prom," Brian said with a shudder.

"I probably would have been. I would have gone with Daphne."

"But Hobbs wouldn't have…" Brian couldn't finish that statement.

"You don't know that. The same thing might have happened. He might have killed me."

"How can you say that so casually?"

Justin shrugged. "Maybe because I don't really remember it. Or maybe because I wouldn't care if I lived or died … without you."

Brian opened his arms and Justin walked into them. "I don't know how you can even talk about that night. It makes me ill."

"Character builder. Just like Kane," Justin said with a smile.

Brian snorted. "I bet you didn't think so at the time."

Justin decided this was heading in directions that he didn't want to go. "So, why do you like 'Citizen Kane'?" he asked, trying to send the conversation in a new direction. He held onto Brian not letting him wiggle out of an answer.

"It's a classic."

"You said that before. Why do you relate to it … personally?"

Brian studied Justin. He wasn't sure how much he wanted to reveal. Justin waited knowing that he just might get another piece of the complicated puzzle that was Brian Kinney. He hoped that was what was going to happen. He loved to learn about Brian, but not many opportunities ever arose. Brian kept his unhappy history to himself.

"You don't want to know," Brian finally said shoving Justin gently away and taking another swig of his beer.

"Yes, I do want to know. Tell me, Brian. It's something that affects you deeply. I can see that."

Brian sighed. If there was anyone he could tell, it would be Justin. He hesitated and then said, "If I'm going to spill my guts, I need something stronger than beer."

"Coming right up," Justin said with a smile. He went to the bar cart and poured Brian a good measure of Beam. "Here you go." He held the glass out to Brian.

"Little shit," Brian said with a chuckle. "You don't usually hop to, when I say I want something."

"Ah, but I want something in return," Justin laughed softly.

"So, I see. Okay, let's sit down," Brian sighed and walked to the sofa. "Come here."

Justin walked over to where Brian was sitting. Brian scrunched up against the back of the sofa with one leg stretched out along the back. He indicated that Justin should snuggle up against him, sitting with his back against Brian. Justin was happy to oblige. This was a pattern they had developed where Brian would hold Justin from behind when he had something important to tell him. That way he didn't have to face Justin and could keep his emotions to himself. Little did Brian know that Justin felt and understood every emotion that flowed through Brian's body while he was talking. This arrangement worked just as well for Justin as it did for Brian.

Justin settled back and waited while Brian took a couple of sips of his Beam. He didn't say anything, knowing that once Brian had made the commitment to tell him, he would. But it had to be in his own time.

"When I was about eight," Brian began.

Justin smiled. "Were you really that young?" Justin giggled.

"Yes, asshole, I was that young." The harsh words were followed with a kiss to the top of Justin's head. Justin smiled and wiggled back closer against Brian. "When I was a wee bit of a thing, I got a toboggan for Christmas one year."

"A toboggan?" Justin asked. "I thought you were going to tell me about a sled."

"Same difference," Brian replied.

"No, they're not the same at all."

"Look, do you want to hear this story or not?" Brian demanded getting testy about Justin's correction of what he had said.

"Sorry, please continue with your story," Justin said, hoping he hadn't scared Brian off of telling his story. Sometimes he needed to learn when to keep his mouth shut. "Was it one of those really long ones?"

"No, it was a three-seater, lots of room for me and … a friend."

"Did Mikey go on it with you?" Justin asked.

"I didn't know Mikey then."

"Oh, yeah, that was later."

"And the toboggan was long gone by the time I met Michael. Anyway there was a hill nearby our house and Christmas afternoon I went over to that hill to try out my new transportation. There were lots of other kids there with all kinds of sleds and toboggans and saucers. I climbed to the top and started running with the toboggan before jumping on. It was great. I must have climbed that hill and ridden down a hundred times that day."

Justin smiled, his face softening. He could feel Brian's happiness. That had been a good day in his young life. It made Justin feel warm inside.

"When I got home it was almost dark. Jack had been drinking most of the afternoon. He was three sheets to the wind by the time I arrived for Christmas dinner with the family. They had been waiting for me. I guess I lost track of time. We were supposed to eat at four and I think it was maybe four-thirty by the time I got home."

Justin felt Brian's breath hitch. Brian's arm around his chest pulled him a little closer. 'Shit!' Justin thought. 'Now there's something bad to ruin Brian's day.'

"I … I came in the back door. They were all sitting around the kitchen table with all the food spread out. I knew it was going to be bad."

Justin squeezed Brian's arm and held on. He offered what comfort he could through that simple gesture. He felt Brian draw in a ragged breath.

"Jack demanded to know why I was such a stupid, useless boy that I couldn't even get home in time for fucking Christmas dinner. The food was cold and dinner was ruined. He started screaming at me and then he stood up. I knew what that usually meant. I looked at my mother but she stared at her plate, and Claire just looked scared."

"You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to," Justin whispered. This wasn't quite what he had bargained for. He felt bad for dredging all this up for Brian.

"You wanted to know. You might as well hear the rest of it."

"Okay," Justin whispered hardly audible.

"So, Jack grabbed my arm and staggered towards the back door. He dragged me outside and demanded to know where the fucking toboggan was. I pleaded with him to let me go, but he … wouldn't. I glanced at the side of the house where I had leaned the toboggan and he followed the direction of my eyes. He knew immediately where the toboggan was. Even drunk he was a smart old bastard."

"What … what did he do?" Justin could feel the pain radiating from Brian's body. He held his breath as he waited for the answer.

"He dragged me over to the toboggan and cursed the fucking thing. He said it would never make me late for a meal again. He … he raised his foot and drove it through the toboggan. It split apart…" Brian stopped.

Justin felt his insides split apart too. Just like Brian's must have felt on that day so long ago. He wrapped his arms over top of Brian's and held onto him.

"He stomped it into little pieces," Brian said his voice breaking, in spite of his best efforts to prevent it.

"He was so mean," Justin said feeling his eyes well up. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Brian whispered closing his eyes to block out the scene that he had pictured only moments before at the end of "Citizen Kane".

"He shouldn't have been allowed to get away with that."

Brian snorted. "And who was going to stop him? My mother? Me?"

"You must have wanted to kill him," Justin said breathlessly.

Brian shook his head and Justin could feel him denying those feelings about his father. "I … I just wanted him to love me, but … he didn't. It took many more broken ribs before I truly learned to hate the old bastard."

"Broken ribs?"

"Yeah, the toboggan wasn't all Jack broke that night. I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp after he smashed the toboggan. He wouldn't let go, and when I continued to struggle, he … he threw me against the corner of the garage. I broke a couple of ribs and Joan and I spent Christmas night at the ER."

"Did you tell them?"

Brian laughed, a haunting sound with no humor in it at all. "Joan told them I had been riding my new toboggan and hit a tree."

"And they believed it?"

"Yep. It would have been too much trouble to question it any further."

"I'm sorry I made you remember all this," Justin apologized in a soft voice.

"I remembered it at the end of the movie. That was one of the best days of my childhood … and one of the worst."

"Like Kane."

"Kind of. Anyway, it's all in the past. Jack's dead and I'm alive and I have you."

"Yes you do," Justin agreed turning and offering up his lips as comfort. The kiss went on and on as Brian poured out the pain and Justin accepted it and cleansed it with his love and desire.

"I think we should take this to the bedroom."

"You always have the best ideas," Justin smiled as they made their way up the steps of the loft to the big bed under the orange lights.

*****

Christmas morning dawned crisp and snowing in Pittsburgh. Brian and Justin were up early having coffee and bagels before heading over to the Munchers' to watch Gus open his gifts. They sat on the sofa and opened their own gifts before they got ready to go. They had bought each other ski outfits, because they were off to Vermont the next day for ski-boarding. That was their gift to each other - a few days away, and alone time together.

"Ready to go?" Justin asked a little while later.

"I guess so, but I don't see why I have to wear my new ski outfit. Have they installed a lift and moguls at the Munchers'?"

"No," Justin laughed. "Just humor me. Gus will get a kick out of it and we can roll around with him in the snow in the backyard," Justin said as he zipped up the jacket of his own ski suit.

Brian sighed. "If there's pictures and shit, and you make me look ridiculous, I'm going to take it out on your ass."

Justin smiled and walked over to the phone. He picked up the handset and started pushing numbers.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Making sure that Lindsay has plenty of room on her digital camera, or else I'll bring mine."

"You little shit!"

"We can have fun looking at the pictures of big, bad, Daddy Brian in his snowsuit with sweet little Gus in his."

"We could, could we?" Brian laughed as he pulled Justin against him and kissed his lips.

"I just want to make sure my ass gets a good workout while we're in Vermont," Justin giggled.

"Never fear, the mighty Kinney is here."

"Okay then," Justin laughed. "Let's go." He put the phone down and grabbed his digital camera just in case he might need it as back-up. They headed out.

Gus was four and really got into the whole opening present/holiday scheme of things. He was surrounded with mounds of presents that his parents and Justin and Santa had obtained for him. He laughed and giggled and let the adults take a million pictures of him. Finally the last present was opened and everyone sat back with a big sigh.

Lindsay and Melanie went to get some coffee and croissants in the kitchen. Gus surveyed the piles of toys and games, a little bewildered about it all.

"So, Sonny Boy, which one do you want to play with first?"

Gus looked around and then shook his head. "I don't know," he said. "Help me, Daddy."

Brian smiled. "What about your train set?" he asked.

"Later."

"Or the jigsaw puzzle?'

"Nope."

"Or the stuffed dog?"

Gus shook his head.

"What about Elmo?"

"No."

"Card game?"

"Nope."

"Your trucks?"

"Un unh."

"Help me, Justin," Brian pleaded sounding just like Gus.

"Um … Gus, would you like to go outside and play in the snow?" Justin asked.

"Yay!" Gus yelled and dug through the pile to find the new snowsuit he had got as one of his many presents.

"See, big guy, I knew you'd need to wear your ski outfit," Justin gloated.

"Help me, Daddy," Gus begged. He had one leg in the arm of the snowsuit and was trying to pull it on over his head.

"Hang on, Sonny Boy, and I'll get you dressed," Brian said as he pulled Gus' leg out. "Do you need to pee before we get you all wrapped up in this thing?"

Gus nodded. "Come with me, Daddy."

"Okay, let's go," Brian said as he gave Justin a look and headed up the stairs.

Justin ran into the kitchen and out the back door. He arranged everything in the yard and was back inside putting on his ski suit before Brian and Gus came down the stairs. They both had their snowsuits on and they looked as cute as could be. Justin grabbed the digital and started taking pictures. The two of them mugged for the camera.

"Okay," Justin said as he finally stopped laughing at their antics. Gus was slung across Brian's shoulder and they were both giggling. "I think that's enough pictures for now."

"Enough to get that workout we were talking about?" Brian asked with his tongue in cheek.

"Definitely."

They walked into the kitchen where Melanie and Lindsay were having coffee at the kitchen table.

"Well don't you look special," Mel said as they came through the door.

"We're going to try out our new snowsuits," Justin volunteered.

"They look nice and warm," Lindsay said as she tied Gus' scarf around his neck and kissed his cheek. "Don't let him get too overheated," she admonished.

"Mooommmm!" they all groaned.

"Okay, okay," she laughed. "Have fun."

"That we will," Brian said as he took Gus' hand and they headed out the back door.

On the back porch Brian stopped in his tracks. There at the bottom of the steps sat a shiny new three-seater toboggan.

"It's got your name written all over it," Justin smiled.

"Where the fuck did this come from?" Brian asked with a frown.

"Santa delivered it specially for you," Justin said.

"Yeah, Santa," Gus repeated nodding knowingly. "Can we try it?" he asked with very big puppy dog eyes.

"I … we … need a hill," Brian replied uncertainly looking at Justin.

"Two blocks that way in the park," Justin said pointing where they should go. Brian narrowed his eyes and glared at him. "I scouted it out," Justin said with a shrug.

"Have fun, boys," Melanie called from the back door. Lindsay smiled and waved at them with genuine pleasure on her face.

"You had them all involved in this, didn't you?" Brian asked. "Even you, Sonny Boy?"

Gus nodded and grinned, very pleased with himself. Justin merely smiled his beautiful smile.

"Climb on, Gus," Brian ordered and the little boy plunked himself down on the toboggan. "Hold onto the front like this," Brian said as he placed Gus' hands on the part that curled over at the front of the toboggan. He picked up the rope. "Let's move 'em out."

It had stopped snowing, but there was enough snow that the toboggan slid easily along the sidewalk. Brian and Justin walked in front with Brian pulling Gus as he rode along giggling all the way.

"Santa, huh?" Brian said as they walked along.

"Yep," Justin grinned.

"I'll have to thank him later … or kill him."

"You … you don't like it?" Justin asked suddenly worried that he had made a big mistake.

"It's … okay, Sunshine. Don't sweat it."

Justin relaxed. That meant Brian was all right with the present.

"So, who goes first?" Brian asked as they arrived at the top of the hill. There were several other kids with sleds or toboggans. Much like there had been that other day when Brian was eight.

"I think you and Gus should take the first run. I'll give you a push," Justin offered.

"How did I know you were going to say that?"

"Because I'm so sweet."

Brian leaned over and gave Justin a quick kiss. "Let's go, Sonny Boy." Brian plunked his butt on the toboggan stretching his long legs in front of him. He got Gus positioned between his legs. "Ready?" he asked the little boy.

"Ready, Daddy."

"Okay, Hoss, get us started," he laughed as Justin struggled to get the heavy load moving.

Soon they were sailing down the little hill with Gus laughing and holding onto Brian's legs. Brian had his arms firmly around his son's chest. When they finally came to the bottom of the hill and the toboggan stopped, Gus jumped up.

"Again, Daddy, again," he cried pulling Brian's hand to get him off the toboggan.

Brian struggled to his feet. "Okay, Sonny Boy, but we have to climb back to the top of the hill."

"I help you, Daddy," Gus said grabbing the rope at the front of the toboggan and spinning it around in the fresh snow. He started tugging it up the hill. Brian couldn't help but smile at his efforts.

When they got back to the top, Justin snapped their picture and Brian explained that Gus wanted to go again. Justin took a couple of pictures of them seated on the toboggan before shoving them off once more. Gus squealed with delight all the way down. Several more trips and Brian was hauling the toboggan while Gus trudged up the hill on his little legs.

"I'll be carrying him next time," Brian said.

"Why don't we all go," Justin suggested.

"That's a good idea," Brian agreed. "You get on Justin and hold Gus. I'll give you a push and jump on the back."

"Are you sure?" Justin asked.

Brian nodded and watched his two favorite boys get settled. He asked Justin for the camera and snapped a couple of pictures of the two of them on the toboggan. He pocketed the camera and then gave the toboggan a push. He scrambled to climb on the back as the load started down the hill. At the bottom they all rolled off laughing and spraying each other with snow.

"Again!" Gus shouted as he started up the hill.

"Hey, mister," a little boy about ten called to them. "Want a picture of all of you on the toboggan? I'll take it. Me and my friends will give you a push too."

"Apparently we're a fascinating sight," Brian observed as he handed the camera to the boy and they all climbed on the toboggan. They posed for a picture before the boy and a couple of his friends gave them a push down the hill.

They did that a few more times. Then Brian and Justin pushed the kids who had helped them. The boys had a grand time getting lots of speed with the adults giving them a good start.

"I'm exhausted," Justin said after a while. He looked at his watch. "We've been here for two hours."

"I am going to be so fucking sore tomorrow that I won't be able to lift my leg to get it on the snowboard."

"Let's take Gus home," Justin said.

"Nooo," Gus whimpered.

"We're all tired, Gus," Brian said. "We can do this another time."

"Tomorrow?" Gus asked hopefully.

"Not tomorrow. Justin and I are going away for a few days."

Gus looked sad. "When?"

"When we get back, I promise," Brian replied.

"'Kay," Gus said as he sat down on the toboggan ready for his father to pull him back home.

"He's got the fucking life!" Brian whispered.

Justin laughed and smacked Brian's chest as the tired and quiet adults walked back to the Munchers'.

*****

Justin and Brian lay on the king-sized bed in their room in Vermont. They had fucked and sat in the hot tub for half an hour. They had gone for a massage and then used the whirlpool bath in their bathroom.

"How are your muscles?" Justin asked.

"Fucking sore."

"Mine too, but they do feel better than they did when we arrived."

"You had to give me that fucking toboggan, didn't you?" Brian griped.

"It was Santa."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm sorry," Justin said feeling sad and hurt that his great idea had ended so badly. They hadn't even tried to hit the slopes now that they were in Vermont. Justin hadn't been sure they were going to go at all when Brian groaned and cursed getting out of bed that morning.

Brian shook his head. He was being pissy and he knew it. "I feel a little better. Where's your camera. I want to look at the pictures you took with Gus and the toboggan."

"You do?" Justin asked with a smile. He hopped off the bed to get it out of his bag.

"You're moving quicker," Brian observed. It made Brian feel like he was a hundred years old.

"If you're good, I'll ride your cock later," Justin replied with one of his blazing smiles.

"Ah, the friskiness of youth."

"You got that right, old man," Justin laughed.

"Let's see," Brian said as Justin pushed the button and the first picture appeared on the little screen of the camera.

They spent the next half hour looking through the pictures, laughing and commenting on each of them.

"Gus looks so happy in the pictures," Justin said as he turned the camera off and set it on the nightstand. "And so do you. You liked my present, didn't you?"

"Aside from the aches and pains, yes, I liked your present," Brian admitted. It had been a good day. "But you gave me the best present of all."

"I did?" Justin asked wondering what Brian was referring to.

"The memory of yesterday with Gus and the toboggan. It more than makes up for that fucking toboggan of my youth."

Justin lit up the room with his smile. "No Rosebud for you, big guy."

"Didn't you say something about riding my cock?" Brian asked as he rolled on top of Justin and kissed him senseless.