The Twelve Eves of Christmas

Chapter 5

~ * ~ * ~ * Day 9 * ~ * ~ * ~

"…And here's a song to start your Christmas Eve." The clock radio blared in the background.

I'll be home for Christmas,

you can plan on me.

Please have snow and mistletoe

and presents under the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me,

where the love light gleams.

I'll be home for Christmas,

if only in my dreams.

Brian lay in bed reviewing the past couple of days. Angie had said he was starting to get the hang of it. Was it as simple as spending some time with his son? He admitted to himself that he had enjoyed their morning together and he probably should make time to do that more often.

That wasn't all of it though, or he wouldn't still be repeating this day again. What else could there be? Angie had mentioned family and friends. Well, the closest thing he had to family was Deb and Michael. If they wanted him to make up to his mom, well, hell would freeze over first.

He made what was becoming his usual morning call to Cynthia to let everyone go for the day. Then he decided to pay Deb a visit. She hadn't been very happy with him lately. Not since he'd missed several of the family get-togethers. He'd just drop by for a visit and play it by ear.

Brian walked into the house, just like he'd been doing for years, to find Deb and Justin sitting at the table eating breakfast and talking. Brian supposed he should have known Justin would come here when he left the loft a few weeks ago.

"Hey, Deb." Brian said as he walked into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Don't 'hey, Deb' me, buster." Deb huffed. "Where the hell have you been?"

Brian knew she didn't just mean this morning and he didn't have an answer for her. Instead, he sat at the table and looked around. Everything looked just the same, but something didn't feel right.

"It's strange not having Vic here." Brian said softly. He hadn't realized just how much he would miss the older man until he was gone. Typical, Brian guessed.

Deb's gaze softened a bit. "I know what you mean. I keep expecting him to come down the stairs asking where his breakfast is."

Justin looked from Brian to Deb and back again. "Don't you have a presentation to do this morning?" He asked when no one made any further comment.

Brian sighed. "I cancelled it and sent everyone home. I'm surprised that Cynthia hasn't called yet."

"I left my cell upstairs." Justin said, a puzzled look on his face. "You gave everyone the day off?"

Brian shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of it.

"Brian, is everything all right?" Justin asked when the brunet didn't answer him.

"It's Christmas Eve, Sunshine. Where's your Christmas spirit?" Brian replied, refusing to squirm under the blond's scrutiny. Instead, he turned to Deb. "So what are you up to today, Deb?"

The woman's face fell a little bit. "I was going to see Vic." She said, sniffling a little bit. "But the car is on the fritz. I'm afraid if I take the bus, I'll miss Gus's concert this afternoon." Then she looked him in the eye and added. "You are going, aren't you?" It was more a command than a question.

"Of course." Brian said mildly and almost laughed at the surprised look on her face. But Justin smiled at him. Brian was just starting to notice how easy it really was to earn one of those smiles.

Shaking his head, Brian knew that he was just kidding himself. He still didn't know what it is he was doing that made Justin smile like that. Even if he were given the chance to do every day twelve times over, he wasn't sure it would be enough for him to figure it out.

At least he could do something about today though. "I can give you a ride to visit Vic, Deb, and to the concert too." And then, before he could chicken out, Brian asked. "How about you, Sunshine? Want to tag along?"

For a moment, Brian thought the blond was going to decline. Then the room lit up with another one of those smiles. Deb gave a squeal and jumped up to give Brian a hug and kiss.

"Let me go fix myself up and we can go." She said and then bustled up the stairs.

Brian was busy wiping the lipstick off as Justin stood to clear the dishes from the table. "That was nice of you, Brian. Deb was really disappointed this morning when she realized she couldn't do both things."

Before Brian could think up a suitable response, Justin walked over and wrapped his arms around the brunet's shoulders from behind. "It doesn't hurt you to accept a little thanks now and then." He said softly.

Brian kept his mouth shut, enjoying the feel of Justin's arms around him. The blond was right about one thing, he did have a hard time accepting thanks. He don't mind doing things for people, it's the attention that it got that bothered him. But if he could get thanked like this every time, he might reconsider.

Before Justin could pull away, Brian leaned his head back so that they were cheek to cheek and then wrapped his hands around the blond's, holding him there. Brian heard his Sunshine sigh slightly as he wrapped his arms just a little bit tighter.

They stayed that way, neither saying a word, until Deb came bustling back downstairs, ready to go. Brian reluctantly let the blond go as he gently pulled away.

The two men walked with Deb to the grave site then Brian slowly walked on, letting the woman talk to her brother in private. Justin stayed a moment longer to make sure she'd be okay alone then he walked in the direction the older man had taken.

Brian was leaning against a statue of an angel, smoking a cigarette when Justin joined him. The blond stood next to his partner, facing the way he'd just come so that he could keep an eye on their surrogate mother.

"She still feels guilty about that argument they had." Justin said. "I'm not sure she's ever going to forget that their last words were spoken in anger."

"They were always fighting." Brian replied, tossing the butt on the ground and stepping on it. "It would have been damn near impossible for him to die without it being after an argument."

Justin laughed softly, realizing there was some truth in that observation. "He knew how she really felt. I think she knows that, it's easy to have doubts sometimes. Especially if the person can't reassure you."

Brian knew what Justin was trying to say and it wasn't just about Deb and Vic anymore. "Vic always understood. It's just how things were with them." Brian huffed a bit. "Deb's not the easiest person to live with."

"It makes you think, though, about letting an argument go unresolved for too long." Justin glanced at Brian, a deep sadness in his eyes.

Brian felt a pang in his heart. Why was it so hard to give the man that small reassurance that he was asking for? "Just because two people can't agree, it doesn't mean that they don't…care about each other."

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian had answered his unspoken question. They stood in comfortable silence after that, waiting for Debbie to finish her visit.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~

After taking Deb and Justin out to lunch, then spending the afternoon at the school concert, Brian found that he was actually sad to drop Deb and Justin (especially Justin) off at Deb's house.

It was only early afternoon, but Brian decided to go back to the loft and rest for a while. He wasn't sure that he was actually getting any sleep considering he was repeating the same day again. For all he knew, as soon as his head hit the pillow, the damn clock was going off again.

He had intended to lay down for just a few minutes, but the next thing Brian knew someone was pounding on the loft door and the room was dark.

Brian managed to stagger his way to the door and pushed it back, ready to yell at whoever it was that was there. Only… it was Justin standing on the other side.

Maybe it was the fact that Brian was only half awake at that point, but somehow Justin ended up in his arms, their mouths meeting in a passion filled kiss and…

A few hours later they were lying in bed, finally having sated each other. Justin was curled up next to his lover, practically purring. If Brian knew how, he'd have been purring himself.

Justin finally broke the silence. "Brian, that was so…awesome." He whispered. "I've missed you."

Brian turned his head and kissed his forehead. "It was great." Brian agreed.

A long moment of silence, then, "Brian, where do we go from here?"

Shit, this was the part Brian hated. "Where do you want to go?" Brian asked.

Justin sighed and sat up. "Brian, why can't you just give me a straight answer?" Justin sighed. "Do you want me here or not?"

Angie was right, Brian thought. Justin sounded tired. "You're here, aren't you?" He asked. If he hadn't wanted the blond here, he wouldn't have let him in. How much clearer did he have to be?

Justin climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed. "Justin, what do you want from me?" Brian seemed to be asking questions like that a lot lately.

The younger man walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of water. "How about telling me how you feel about me for a change instead of expecting me to guess all the time? How about giving me a clue if you want more from me than just a convenient fuck?" He paused and took a long drink of water while Brian slowly pulled his clothes on.

"If 'I love you' doesn't mean anything to you, then find some words that do. Throw me a bone here, Brian. I'm tired of playing guessing games with you." Justin cried out softly in an exasperated tone.

Brian walked into the kitchen and sat down at the island, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The words sounded so familiar only, this time, they were being asked of him. And Brian had no better an answer for Justin than Angie had had when asked.

Brian knew in his heart that he couldn't give Justin what he wanted. It just wasn't there. All this bullshit about him being able to love was just that, bullshit. He didn't have a clue.

Brian picked up a grape from the bowl on the counter and popped it in his mouth, more to stall for time than anything else.

"Brian?" Justin gave the brunet a concerned look. Something was wrong.

"Brian?" Justin's voice was getting panicky.

Brian stood up. The room seemed to be dimming around him. Justin's voice seemed to be getting farther and farther away.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~

Brian slammed his fist into the bed, knowing in an instant that he was back in that damn hospital bed. "A fucking grape? I choked on a fucking grape?" Brian said, incredulously.

Angie seemed to be holding in a smile. "Didn't Justin used to work at a diner? I would have thought he'd know what to do for a choking victim." Brian began to think that she was actually getting some sort of perverse joy out of this.

"What happened this time?" Brian asked. "We were talking. Couldn't you have just left things alone for a little longer?"

Angie raised an eyebrow. "Justin was talking. You were practising duck and cover maneuvers."

Brian growled a bit, but knew in his heart that she was right. "I fucked up, didn't I?" Brian finally said.

Angie just sighed and nodded. "Would it really be so hard to give him what he wants? He's not asking for that much."

"Is that what this is all about? Justin?" Brian inquired. He couldn't believe that He'd waste all this time just trying to get two fags together.

"No, this is about you. Justin is just a part of that." Angie said.

"I can't do it." Brian whined. Okay, Brian Kinney does whine on occasion. "I don't know how."

"Well, you still have three days to learn." Angie replied, not giving an inch.

Brian just stared at her when she laid his clothes on the bed. Three days… he knew he'd never make it.

~ * ~ * ~ * Day 10 * ~ * ~ * ~

"…And here's a song to start your Christmas Eve." The clock radio blared in the background.

I'll be home for Christmas,

you can plan on me.

Brian felt like pounding his head against the wall. Why were they doing this to him? So he didn't do love, what the fuck difference did that make? There were plenty of other assholes out there who didn't give a fuck. Why not put one of them in this movie plot from hell. It wasn't like he'd asked for anyone's help. He'd been just fine with the way things were.

Throwing the covers aside, Brian went through his morning routine, continuing his internal rant against the powers that be. There was nothing he hated more than being out of control and this was the ultimate power play against him.

By the time he pulled up at Kinnetik, Brian was feeling drained. He felt like one of those rodents that spent all day running on a wheel. He'd been doing that for the past nine days, running in the same spot but going no place. The problem was, he still didn't know where he was supposed to be going.

Brian grabbed his briefcase and his latte and headed towards his office. He was about ten feet from the front door to the offices when he heard that splash. Fuck! He couldn't even learn from his past mistakes.

In a rage at the injustice of it all, Brian threw his cup at the outside wall, watching the dark liquid spray in every direction. Then he stomped into Kinnetik and into his own office without a word to anyone.

A few minutes later, Cynthia poked her head through the door cautiously. "Ted has the conference room all set up." She said as she noted Brian's pants lying across the arm of the couch, a small puddle forming underneath the leg. Brian was sitting behind his desk but that didn't stop the mental image of her boss with no pants on from popping into her mind.

Brian smirked a little as he caught the direction of Cynthia's gaze and her flushed face. "Call Ms. Madison and cancel the meeting." He said. "Then tell everyone they can have the rest of the day off."

Cynthia blinked a few times, wondering if she was hearing things. "Brian, I could go by the loft and get another suit for you." She offered.

"It's Christmas Eve, Cynthia. We shouldn't even be here." Brian said, tongue in cheek. Baiting his assistant was somewhat restoring his good humor.

Cynthia swallowed hard, wondering if her boss had been 'Scrooged' the night before. That was the only explanation she had for his sudden change in behavior.

"And tell Justin that I'd like to see him for a few minutes when he comes in." Brian added.

Cynthia just nodded, a concerned furrow to her brow. She started to back out of the door.

"Oh, and Cynthia…." Brian called, waiting for the woman to stick her head back inside the door. "Merry Christmas."

Brian laughed softly to himself as his assistant closed the door behind her. He'd be lucky if she didn't have him committed after that little scene.

Remembering why he had been in such a foul mood to begin with, Brian leaned back in his chair and began running over the previous few days in his mind. Angie had said that he'd done a few things right. All he had to do was figure out what they were, what they had in common and how to do more of the same. Surely a man of his intelligence could solve this riddle.

Having a plan of action restored Brian's equilibrium and took away the feeling of despair that had been haunting him all morning. Perhaps, he'd find a way off that wheel after all.

He decided that sending his employees home was one good thing he'd done and it really didn't cost him that much. The account was important, but to be honest, he knew that his ideas were the best and if Ms. Madison couldn't see that when they rescheduled then she deserved whatever sorry advertising she ended up with.

The other thing that he thought he'd done well on was the morning he'd spent with Gus. His son had been so excited and he had actually enjoyed it himself. There was only one thing that could have made it better.

Just as that thought crossed his mind, the object of his musing entered the office without knocking. "Cynthia said you cancelled the presentation and sent everyone home." Justin said as he walked into the room. "Is everything okay, Brian?"

"What, can't I have a little Christmas spirit?" Brian asked, tongue in cheek.

Justin stared at the man for a moment, then smiled slightly. "I was wondering when you'd discover you had some." He said. They stared at each other for a moment, then Justin continued. "If you don't need me for anything, I guess I'll be going."

"I was going to take Gus Christmas shopping this morning." Brian said before the blond could leave. "Maybe you'd like to go with us."

Justin turned back with a quizzical look on his face.

"I know how much you love shopping at the mall." Brian continued.

Justin laughed out loud. "You? Shopping at the mall? I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Brian smiled to himself and stood up to walk around the desk.

Justin's' eyes widened as he realized that the brunet was wearing just a shirt and briefs.

"Could you pass me my pants?" Brian said softly, expecting the blond's reaction. Maybe some things weren't so bad repeated, he thought. He would never get tired of the way Justin licked his lips as he ran his eyes over the brunet's half-dressed body.

"I'll need to stop by the loft to change." Brian said as he pulled his still damp pants on.

"Yeah, I should probably change out of this suit." Justin replied, a slightly disappointed look on his face as Brian fastened his pants.

"You still have clothes at the loft." Brian reminded the blond.

Justin nodded, not sure what he was feeling at the moment, but quite willing to see where this was going.

The two men left the office and drove to the loft in Brian's Jeep. Once upstairs, Brian noticed just how much of Justin's stuff was still there. It hardly looked like the man had left at all. "Most of your stuff is still here." He noted as he walked into the bedroom to change clothes, opting for a more casual look for mall shopping.

Misunderstanding the comment, Justin sighed as he walked up the stairs to find some clothes for himself. "I know. I can move it to Deb's if you want."

Brian winced at Justin's words. He'd been merely making an observation. He hadn't meant for them to get on this track. "It's fine. I would think that it would be easier to have your things in one place, though." He said, pulling out a sweater to go with his jeans.

Justin sat on the bed with a thump, cargo pants in hand. He felt tears burning his eyes. "If you can take it for a couple of more days, I'll come get it this weekend."

Brian turned around, finally realizing how his words had sounded. No wonder they ended up in fights all the time. He walked over and sat down next to the blond. "It would be less work if you just moved it all back here." He said softly, not meeting the younger man's eyes.

Justin's breath hitched as he realized what Brian had been getting at. In his own way, Brian was telling him he wanted him to come home.

Brian felt a hand winding through his hair and looked over at the blond. He breathed a sigh of relief as Justin kissed him gently, smiled and said. "I've got everything I need already here."

By the time the two men recovered from consummating their reunion, it was a little late to take Gus out and still make it to the concert. Brian called and asked Lindsay if he could take his son shopping afterwards. Although she acted a bit surprised, she finally agreed.

After an afternoon of shopping, Brian dropped Gus back off at the munchers, pleasantly exhausted. He'd never felt more contented than he had spending the day with the two men he cared for the most.

Justin asked Brian to stop by Debbie's for a moment so that he could pick up something for later. They went back to the loft, ordered dinner in and Brian even submitted to watching 'A Miracle on 34th Street'. As long as he had his sunshine curled up on the sofa with him, he really didn't care what was on the television.

Once the movie was over, Justin sat up and stretched, then turned to face the tall brunet who was still stretched out on the couch. Brian could tell by the way the blond's brow was furrowed that he was about to start with the questions again.

"Brian, I really enjoyed today." Justin said softly.

Brian waited patiently, knowing the blond wasn't finished yet. He'd clearly heard a 'but' at the end of that sentence.

"You seemed different today, more… reachable. Like you really enjoyed just hanging out with me and Gus." Justin tried to explain. "I guess I'm just afraid that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be back the way it was before."

Brian felt his stomach clench . If only Justin knew how true that statement might be. If he screwed up again tonight, Justin would never remember the day they'd had. "I did enjoy today." Brian admitted. "More than I thought I would."

"Enough to want to do it more often?" Justin asked, holding his breath as he waited for an answer.

"Well, I can't see me hanging out at the mall on a regular basis." Brian said, receiving small laugh in response. "But I guess it wouldn't hurt to spend more time with the people I care about."

Justin grinned, knowing how much it cost for Brian to make that admission. "I'm sure we can find other things to do besides the mall."

"Promise?" Brian asked, tongue in cheek.

Justin laughed, "Promise."

Brian pushed himself into a sitting position and when he looked back at the blond, Justin had that deep-in-thought look again. His hope that they were finished went out the window.

Justin struggled with himself for a moment, then pulled a small package out of his coat pocket. "I got you a Christmas present." He said hesitantly. "I've been debating on how to give it to you."

Brian just looked from the brightly wrapped gift to the blond's face, not sure why the other man seemed so unsure of himself suddenly.

Justin finally seemed to come to some sort of resolution and handed the package to Brian. "I bought this a few days before I left." He said.

Brian nervously took the present, not sure if he wanted to know what it was if it made Justin this uneasy.

"Go ahead. Open it." Justin prompted gently, pulling his legs up in front of him and wrapping his arms around them as he waited.

Brian methodically unwrapped the gift, then opened the small box, a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. He glanced up into Justin's anxious blue eyes. "Justin…" He began, the stopped, unsure how to continue.

Justin's face fell. "I guess it was a bit much." He said, then stood up and began looking for his shoes.

Brian set the box on the coffee table. "What are you doing?" He asked, as Justin pulled his shoes on and reached for his coat.

"I'm sorry. It's just…" Justin stopped, his hand on the loft door. "Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you…but it does to me. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, Brian. I just want to know that someday, I'll mean as much to you as you do to me."

Brian stared at the door as it closed behind his departing lover. He knew he could have stopped him. Knew he should have stopped him. Why did the words have to be so hard to say?

He lowered his head to his hands, massaging his temples. For a day that had been going so well, he had sure managed to fuck it up fairly quickly. He looked up to see Justin's gift sitting so innocently on the table. He swallowed hard as he reached over and closed the lid to the box, hiding the two platinum rings that lay inside.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~

Brian could feel Angie staring at him even before he opened his eyes. "So I fucked up again." He growled. "Why should that surprise you?"

"I've never seen a grown man as scared of commitment as you are." Angie said. She actually sounded rather amazed.

"I'm not scared; it's just a bunch of bullshit." I replied.

"Spare me your rhetoric." She interrupted. "I've heard it all before."

Brian glared back at the woman. "He should have known better. What was he thinking, giving me those rings?" Brian tried to defend himself against the woman's accusatory gaze.

"Perhaps he was thinking that he'd like to spend the rest of his life with the man he loves." Angie said pointedly.

Brian blanched at the woman's forthrightness. "Gay men don't get married. It's against their nature." Brian tried another approach.

"Of course they don't." Angie snapped. "Just like they don't fall in love."

Brian glared back at the woman.

"Explain to me then, why you gave that homeless woman all that money? Why did you sit in that auditorium all those days watching your son sing? Why did you sit at that kitchen table with your lover's arms wrapped around you? Why do you feel warm inside any time your son or your lover smiles at you?"

Angie took a deep breath. Brian hoped she was finished. "How can you possibly say that you don't feel love, Brian? Why do you think it hurts when you try to convince yourself that you don't care?"

"That's why I don't do love. It hurts."

"Brain, what happened to you as a child was not your fault. Your parents didn't know how to love themselves, let alone a child. The problem was theirs, not yours."

Brian felt an old pain in his heart at her words.

"So now I can either let all the pain in and live, or refuse to feel it and die. Why doesn't that seem much of a choice?" He said sarcastically.

"You've been slowly killing yourself inside for years, Brian. Every time you've died over the past few days, it's always been because of the choices you've made." Angie paused again while Brian took in her words. "You have two more chances to make a different choice. Will you get hurt in the future? Most likely. But if you can move past the pain, love is the most powerful, wonderful feeling in the universe."

She put Brian's clothes on the bed and started to walk out. When she reached the door, she stopped and turned around. "How do you want them to remember you, Brian? As the asshole who never cared about anyone else or as a man who did in spite of himself?"

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