The Twelve Eves of Christmas

Chapter 4

~ * ~ * ~ * Day 7 * ~ * ~ * ~

"…And here's a song to start your Christmas Eve." The clock radio blared in the background.

I'll be home for Christmas

Brian lay in bed thinking over the previous night's discussion. Knowing who he was dealing with didn't make things any easier. If anything, it was even more difficult than before. He had spent most of his life rebelling against the teachings of his youth, against all the things his mother had tried to force feed him.

Brian almost laughed aloud when he remembered how Angie had said that He didn't care that Brian was gay. Joan would be devastated.

Thinking of his mother, Brian started to get an idea. God wanted him to learn to love. Did He want Brian to love Him? The brunet wasn't so sure that he could do that, but he supposed a church would be a good place to get some answers.

Remembering what Justin had said the day before about Ted and the presentation, Brian decided he'd better at least take care of that himself first. Ted was a good worker, though Brian would never tell him that, and he didn't want the somber man to think he had blown it just because Brian had ditched the campaign at the last minute.

Brian sent everyone home that he didn't need for the presentation. A part of him knew that Justin had been right about that from the very beginning. And it cost a whole lot less than all those checks he'd written that one day.

After lunch, Brian made the trip across town to his mother's church, since it's the only one he was actually familiar with. There were a few other people scattered among the pews so he sat in the back and lost himself in thought as he stared at the Virgin Mother up front.

He had been sitting there for awhile when someone slid into the pew next to him; Father Tom, the trick from years ago.

"It's been awhile since we've seen you here." Father Tom said by way of greeting.

"Are you surprised?" Brian asked, sarcastically.

"What, that it's been awhile or that you're here now?" Father Tom inquired.

Brian snorted. "Take your pick."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both looking straight ahead. Tom broke the quiet first. "You look like a man with a lot on his mind."

Brian glanced over at the man. Regardless of his personal feelings concerning Tom and his hypocrisy, he was a priest. Maybe he would have some answers. "Do you believe He gives second chances?"

Tom considered his question for a moment before he responded. "Peter once asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother if his brother sinned against him. Jesus responded 'seventy times seven'."

"I take that as a 'yes'." Brian said dryly. He was never much one for people who spouted Bible and verse.

Tom smiled slightly. "Yes."

The silence stretched out again. Tom knew that he couldn't push Brian to talk to him. "He wants me to love Him." Brian said finally. "I'm not sure I can."

"Do you believe that He loves you?" Tom asked.

"Why would He? What have I ever done for Him?" Brian replied.

Tom finally turned to face the brunet. "You have a son, Brian. Do you love him?"

"Of course." Brian replied, irritated by the question. What did that have to do with anything?

"Why? What has he ever done for you?" Tom asked.

Brian glared at the man. He hated it when people did that. "He's just a child. He doesn't have to do anything."

"In His eyes, you're just a child, Brian. His child." Tom responded. "He'll always love you, no matter what."

"I don't deserve it. I've hated Him for most of my life." Brian said.

"How you feel about Him has nothing to do with how He feels about you." Tom replied. "One of the most powerful prayers in the Bible was simply one line. 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!' Perhaps that's a place to start."

"I'm sure my mother would be most pleased hear about this." Brian said dryly as he stood to leave. He'd heard enough.

"This is just between you, me and Him." Tom said.

Brian stopped and looked back at the man. For some reason, he believed him and was relieved. "Thanks."

Brian sat in his Jeep trying to figure out what to do with the information that Tom had just given him. So what if God loved him? That hadn't stopped his father from beating the shit out of him on a regular basis. He'd seen dozens of people come into that soup kitchen yesterday, unable to feed themselves. Somewhere in town, a boy and his little sister were living out of a car with their mother.

What kind of love was that? Brian told himself that it wasn't the kind that he needed, that's for sure.

So here he was, stuck repeating this same fucking day, trying to figure out how to love a being that would let all these horrible things happen to people He claimed He loved. Brian knew without a doubt that the sign would find him again tonight.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~

Brian sat in the hospital bed, refusing to even speak to Angie as she stood over him. Fuck her. And fuck Him too. Brian just wanted this to be over with.

"Brian, you might as well talk to me. You only have five days left." Angie said.

Brian thought that if he ignored her for long enough, maybe she'd go away.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." She said. Brian hated it when she read his mind like that.

"Why?" Brian burst out. "Why does He want me to love Him? How can you expect me to believe that He loves me, or anyone else for that matter, when He lets such shitty things happen to people?"

"Brian, He gave us free will and that's why those things happen. We do it to ourselves." She paused and frowned at the set look on the brunet's face. "However, I think that you misunderstood me last night. Yes, He would like nothing more than for you to love Him, but that's not what this is all about. This is your chance to learn to express the love that you have buried inside you; to your friends, your family and to yourself."

Brian just stared at the woman. "Just get my clothes." Brian was getting so tired of this.

~ * ~ * ~ * Day 8 * ~ * ~ * ~

"…And here's a song to start your Christmas Eve." The clock radio blared in the background.

I'll be home for Christmas,

you can plan on me.

Please have snow and mistletoe

and presents under the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me,

where the love light gleams.

I'll be home for Christmas,

if only in my dreams.

Brian was in a fog this morning. This was real. He had five days left to figure out how to 'express love', the very thing that he'd spent thirty some odd years trying not to do. He didn't have any idea where to start.

All through the morning, Brian kept trying to think of ways to 'express love', but he kept coming up empty. Finally, he turned to the one person that he knew would have the answer. The only problem being, how to ask the question without sounding like a complete idiot.

Justin walked in without knocking, as usual. "Cynthia says you've canceled the presentation and given everyone the day off."

Brian sighed. "Can't have everyone thinking I'm Scrooge reincarnated."

"I thought you'd be trying to protect your reputation as an asshole." Justin said with a grin.

"It's only two days." Brian noted. "I think my reputation is safe."

Justin gave him a puzzled look then shrugged. "I guess I'll be going then." He said and turned to walk back out.

"Justin." Brian called. The blond turned back and waited. "If you wanted to show someone you…cared about them, what would you do?"

Justin narrowed his eyes in thought. Brian could see the wheels turning. "Like who, specifically?" He asked.

"The guys, Lindsay, Gus, Deb…" Brian trailed off. He couldn't get the last name out past the lump in his throat.

Justin watched him squirm for a moment, then smiled. "It's Christmas, Brian. Get them something special. Something from the heart."

Brian let out the breath that he hadn't even realized he was holding. "Christmas presents… why didn't I think of that?" Brian said, more to himself than to the blond.

Justin smiled. "It is a rather foreign concept for you." He replied. Brian winced a bit. When Justin realized that he had inadvertently hurt the man, he added softly. "That doesn't mean you can't learn, though."

Brian realized that Angie was right; Justin would never quit believing in him. That thought comforted him, although he was at a loss to understand why. Brian thought about asking the blond for some help choosing presents, but decided against it. For once, he'd prove Justin was right. He could do this.

Brian began to feel a little excited as he headed over to Lindsay's. Today, he'd figure out what to get her, Mel and Gus.

As much as Brian hated the thought, he didn't even have a clue as to what his own son would want for Christmas. He was beginning to realize just how little time he actually spent with the boy.

"Dad! What are you doing here?" Gus answered the door, still in his pajamas. Brian felt a warm glow inside at his son's excited greeting.

"I came to see you." Brian said. "I was trying to think of something special to get your moms and was hoping you could help me."

Brian knew that there was no telling what a kid his age would come up with, but he knew he'd done the right thing when the boy's face lit up. "Sure, Dad. We'll come up with the bestest idea yet."

"Gus, who was that at the door?" Lindsay called as she walked in from the kitchen. "Oh, Brian! I wasn't expecting to see you this morning." She was still in her bathrobe and smoothed her hair back self-consciously.

"I just needed to talk to Gus about something. Would you mind if I borrowed him for a little while?"

Gus turned pleading eyes to his mother.

"Well, he has that concert this afternoon…" Lindsay began, doubt in her voice.

"That's not a problem." Brian said. "I'll make sure he gets back in time. I wouldn't want to miss seeing Sonny Boy sing."

"You're going?" Lindsay asked, surprise in her voice.

"Of course." Brian replied, as if it had never entered his mind not to attend.

"Gus, why don't you go up and get dressed." Lindsay said, giving Brian a suspicious look.

Gus bounced up the stairs with a happy yell.

"Okay, Brian, what's up?" Lindsay asked once Gus was out of hearing range.

"I just thought Gus could help me do some Christmas shopping." Brian replied innocently.

"Christmas shopping? You?" Lindsay sounded skeptical.

Her attitude perturbed the brunet for some reason. "Yes, me." Brian replied. "Is there a problem?"

"Brian, let's face it. Other than for Gus, when was the last time you bought anyone a Christmas present?" She asked.

"Who says it's not for Gus?" Brian asked. Damned if he'd tell her the truth now. "He's old enough to help pick out what he wants."

Gus must have broken the record for getting dressed as he bounced back down the stairs. "Ready to go, Dad?" He asked breathlessly. Brian felt a twinge as he realized the boy was probably afraid he'd bail on him.

"He needs to be home by 1:00, Brian, so that he can get cleaned up and changed for the concert." Lindsay said as they walked to the door.

"No problem. We'll see you then."

Father and son spent the rest of the morning at the mall, a place Brian detested, but Gus insisted that it offered the best variety for Christmas shopping. Brian began to think that his son got his shopping gene from Justin, not from him.

Since they were shopping anyway, Brian let Gus pick out presents for each of the family members himself. It was the first time the young man had the chance to give everyone something just from him and he took the job very seriously. Every present that he picked out was done with special consideration for the person it was going to. 'Yep', Brian thought to himself, 'Definitely Justin's shopping gene, not mine.'

They finished up their day by having lunch at the very crowded food court, which Gus loved. Having purchased presents for everyone, they headed back to the munchers so that Gus could get ready for his big performance. Brian dropped his son off and promised that he'd be at the concert in a little bit. He didn't really feel like going in and facing Lindsay again just yet.

After the concert, Brian hung around the little reception to tell Gus he'd done a good job. The smile his son gave him made sitting on those hard chairs for an hour and a half all worthwhile. Brian decided that the boy must have learned that from Justin too.

Brian slipped out after that and made his way to Woody's for a drink. He hadn't been there long when Justin came in and sat down next to him.

"Gus was telling everyone all about your day at the mall together." He said without preamble. "You really made his day."

"Yeah, well, maybe I'm not the asshole everyone would like to think I am." Brian said, a touch of bitterness in his voice. Lindsay had really gotten to him earlier.

"Not everyone." Justin corrected softly.

They sat in silence for awhile. Brian wasn't sure what Justin wanted from him - why he'd really come here - so he waited for the blond to make the next move.

"Brian, why did you cancel the presentation and let everyone go home early?" Justin finally asked.

Brian sighed. Why not try a little honesty? It's not like Justin would remember it tomorrow. "I had a close call last night. Someone told me I was being given a second chance to become a better person. I'm trying to figure out what that means."

Justin looked over at him. "You gave Gus the best Christmas present he could ask for today, Brian. You. I'd say that's a great start."

Brian found himself watching Justin as they finished their beers. 'And what could I give you, Sunshine?' Brian thought to himself. But he was too chicken shit to say it aloud.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~ * ~* ~* ~* ~

Angie smiled and handed Brian his clothes. "You took a big step today, Brian. I think you're finally getting the hang of this."

Yeah, and only four more days to figure the rest of it out.

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