Specter

 


 
Brian Kinney walked into his place of business. As usual, he was impeccably dressed and groomed. For some reason that had taken a lot of effort today. He carried a Starbucks latte in one hand and his briefcase in the other. Workers scurried away or looked extra busy as he passed by. No one said good morning, and Brian did not make any effort to speak to them either.

He passed through the reception area of Kinnetik and was about to enter his office when Ted popped into view.

“Morning, Boss,” he said with a cheerful smile.

“Yeah,” Brian replied brusquely not slowing his stride.

“How do you like the decorations?”

“Decorations?” Brian stopped and glanced around the reception area.

“Yeah, the pumpkins and autumn leaves,” Ted said as he waved his hand at the reception counter littered with fall junk. Halloween was approaching and the staff had decided that they wanted to make their workplace more festive.

“Is that really necessary?” Brian asked, annoyed that he had not noticed them, and more annoyed that the decorations had been done without consulting him.

“Halloween’s only a few days away, and we thought it would be … festive.”

“Well, it’s not,” Brian retorted as he turned and headed into his office.

Ted frowned and followed his boss, “Brian, say the word and they’re gone,” he said.

“Leave them,” Brian conceded as he hung up his coat. He picked up his coffee and sat down wearily behind his desk. He rubbed his hand over his eyes which felt like sandpaper was raking them every time he blinked.

“Brian, is something wrong? You … you don’t look so good.”

“Neither do you, Theodore, and I don’t throw that in your face,” Brian snapped.

“Okaaay,” Ted replied, turning to leave.

“Ted…”

“Yes?”

“Nothing, get to work,” Brian ordered.

Ted left the room without another word. Brian almost regretted being so nasty, almost, but not quite. He rubbed his palms on his eyelids. He felt like crap, he hadn’t really slept in days, and he didn’t know what to do about it. Booze, drugs and a string of tricks had not made matters any better.

With a sigh Brian turned on his computer and got to work.

“Brian,” Cynthia said from the doorway of his office.

“What?”

“It’s almost nine o’clock. I’m going home and you should too.”

“Goodnight,” Brian replied not making any effort to add more. He was surprised that he had got through the day so quickly. He decided he might just as well stay where he was, even if he wasn’t getting much accomplished. Work was a refuge these days, since there was nothing for him at home. And lately there was something at the loft that he didn’t want to face.

Cynthia shrugged wanting to say more, but she bit her tongue and went to get her coat. She couldn’t remember ever seeing Brian in such bad shape, except maybe that time he had gone to Ibiza. She knew something bad was going on, but he wouldn’t talk about it, and she had learned over the years that pressuring him was not the way to help. She slipped her arms into her coat and headed for the door.

Brian leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He was so fucking tired. But he couldn’t sleep. Maybe he should go to Babylon. Some decent drugs and a few drinks, and he might be able to fuck himself into oblivion.

Brian opened his eyes. He had already tried that pain management technique several times this week, and it had not been very successful. What the fuck was he going to do? He closed his eyes again. He needed to think.

 

*****
 


“Wakey, wakey!”

“Hm, go way,” Brian mumbled brushing at his face.

“No chance.”

“Wha…?” Brian blurted out as his eyes fluttered open. He recoiled in horror. “What are you doing here?” he demanded. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“And just where am I supposed to be?”

“At the loft,” Brian replied as he sat up. “In Hell. Anywhere but here.”

A chuckle greeted his words. “I’m everywhere you are.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You’re a smart guy; you’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Go away.”

A malicious laugh greeted his command.

Brian jerked awake … or upright … or conscious … or back to reality. He wasn’t sure which it was. He rubbed his hands over his face and shook his head trying to clear it. He looked around warily, but all he saw was … his office. This had to stop. He needed … something.

He logged off his computer, stood up and stretched. Babylon – that was what he needed. He turned off the light on his desk, and headed for his private washroom where he had a change of clothes – club clothes.

 

*****
 


The back room of Babylon looked like it always did. Brian wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad one, as he pulled the trick he had nabbed behind him. They found a semi-secluded spot and the trick unzipped Brian’s jeans.

Brian leaned against the wall and tried not to think. He felt the trick’s mouth engulf his dick. Maybe this would be all right. He tried to relax and enjoy it, closing his eyes and letting his mouth drop slightly open.

“You thought you could get away from me, well, think again,” a familiar voice whispered in his ear.

Brian opened his eyes and looked with horror into the eyes that had been tormenting so often lately. “Nooo,” Brian moaned, “no.”

As Brian’s cock went suddenly limp, the trick looked up at Brian and asked, “Hey, dude, what’s up?”

“Obviously not me,” Brian replied shoving his dick into his jeans and zipping up. “Work on your technique,” he advised as he headed for the exit from the back room. He heard “Asshole” yelled at him, before he pushed the crash bar and breathed in the cool air of the alley beside Babylon. “Fuck,” he muttered as he headed for his car. What was he going to do? This could not continue.

 

*****
 


Brian tossed and turned, dozing but afraid to really sleep. He had drunk most of a bottle of Beam when he returned to the loft, chasing it with several joints of marijuana. He thought that should be enough to give him some dreamless sleep, but he couldn’t rest. He was afraid.

“Oh Briiiaaan, there’s no rest for the recalcitrant. You should know that.”

Brian sat bolt upright in bed. “No!” he practically yelled.

An amused chuckle greeted his outburst. “I’m afraid saying no won’t get you anywhere.”

“But why…?”

“I always thought you were bright, Brian Kinney. Haven’t you figured it out yet?”

“Go away, Vic, please,” Brian pleaded.

“Begging won’t do it,” Vic Grassi replied with an evil grin.

“What will make you go away?” Brian asked.

That you will have to figure out for yourself.”

“You’re dead! Why are you here now? Oh fuck! Is the cancer back?” Brian asked with dread as the thought hit him.

“No, no cancer,” Vic replied. His voice was a little softer when he said that, a little less harsh.

“Then what is it?”

“I’ll ask you one question, and then I’m going to disappear for a while till you’ve had time to think about it.”

“You’re leaving?” Brian said hopefully.

“I’ll be back.”

Brian groaned. “What the fuck is the question?”

Vic’s nasty grin had returned. Brian didn’t like it at all. He remembered that look from when he was having his radiation treatments.

“You have so much, so why aren’t you happy, Brian Kinney?” Vic winked and grinned more broadly. “Think carefully about your answer.”

“But…”

Vic vanished leaving Brian all alone and rather dazed. He couldn’t be having conversations with a ghost, could he? What was wrong with him? What the fuck did that question Vic asked mean? Brian had never thought much about whether he was happy or not. He didn’t allow himself that luxury. Especially not since… But he wouldn’t think about that either.

Brian yawned mightily, pulled the duvet up over his shoulders and really slept for the first time in days.

 

*****
 


“Morning, Boss,” Ted said as Brian approached the doorway of his office.

“Morning.”

That was an improvement, Ted thought. Lately all he got for his ‘Good Morning’ was a glare or a nasty retort. “Are you feeling better this morning?” Ted ventured to ask.

“Better than what?”

“Um…better than you’ve been feeling lately,” Ted responded lamely.

“Since when do you give a flying fuck how I feel?”

“Brian Kinney in a bad mood makes a miserable day for everyone else,” Ted intoned.

“Just as it should be,” Brian responded.

“Riiight.” Ted turned away to go to his own office. This wasn’t getting him anywhere. He had hoped for a split second that Brian had somehow come out of his recent funk.

“Theodore, come into my office,” Brian commanded. Ted stopped his retreat and turned reluctantly to follow Brian. “There’s something I want to ask you,” Brian said. He entered the office and Ted followed shutting the door behind them, as he had a feeling this was not for the general public’s consumption.

“What can I do for you, Boss?”

“Sit down.” Brian sat as well and took a sip of his coffee. He seemed to be studying Ted, trying to decide what he could and could not say.

“Brian?” Ted asked with concern in his voice. “What’s going on? I know something has been bothering you for days.”

“You knew that, did you?” Brian said with one of his smirks. He saw Ted relax a little when he did that. “What I’m going to say stays between you and me, here in this office. You don’t breathe a word to anyone else, or I will have you killed.”

“Yes, Boss,” Ted readily agreed.

Brian set his coffee down on the desk. He leaned back in his chair trying to look nonchalant. “Do you think I’m a happy man, Ted?”

“Huh?” Ted had not expected that.

“Happy. I’m sure you’ve heard of the concept,” Brian snarked.

“Um, yeah, of course I have,” Ted stammered. How the hell was he supposed to answer that?

“The truth, Theodore,” Brian ordered.

“Um, I can’t say that I have much thought of you and happy in the same sentence.”

Brian raised an eyebrow, but the answer did not surprise him.

Ted soldiered on. “You have a lot to be happy about, I guess. You have two successful businesses.”

Very successful,” Brian amended.

“Very,” Ted quickly agreed. “And a ton of money.”

“There’s never enough money,” Brian stated.

“No, of course not.”

“Is that it?” Brian asked when Ted hesitated.

“Well, you can have any man you want.”

“Almost…” Brian added with a whisper. “So, I should be a happy man.”

“I guess so.”

“Then why don’t I feel that way?” Brian asked.

“I think you know the answer to that question,” Ted said averting his eyes. He didn’t want to look at Brian at that moment.

Brian shuddered slightly. Those were almost Vic’s words to him. What the fuck was he supposed to know. “You know the answer?”

“I … might.”

“Fuck!”

This had to be the longest, most personal and most uncomfortable conversation Ted had ever had with Brian. “If I had to guess I’d say you’re missing some key people from your life,” Ted dared to say.

“Is that right?” Brian said after his mind began to grasp what Ted was telling him.

“Yes, it is,” Ted replied. He stood and walked out of the office. He had spoken the truth and that was all he could do.

Brian stared at the door as it closed behind Ted. He couldn’t believe he had had that conversation with his … employee. Brian knew that signaled how desperate he was becoming. And why had he chosen Ted? Ted had become a … friend since coming to work at Kinnetik, and since that bout of cancer. Brian knew he could rely on Ted in business and for support as a friend.

So, was Ted right? Were there key people missing from his life? Brian knew in his heart of hearts, and he did have one, that Ted was right. He sat up and made a decision. He picked up his phone and hit a number that he had not used much lately.

“Hello.”

“Lindsay, it’s Brian.”

“No! Not really. I thought you were dead.”

“Phones go both ways,” Brian said bitterly.

“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to your son…”

“I … I miss him.”

“And you think he doesn’t miss you?”

“Does he?”

“Of course he does.”

“I … I was thinking of maybe coming to Toronto for a visit.”

“Gus would love that. When?”

“Soon.”

“That’s not very specific.”

“I just decided.”

“Okaay, so let me talk to Gus and I’ll get back to you.”

“Soon … please.”

“Yes, soon,” Lindsay said with a sigh before she cut the connection.

Brian leaned back in his chair feeling much better about himself.

 

*****
 


Brian was eating some Thai food he had picked up on the way home. He hadn’t stayed late at the office for once. Somehow he felt that it was safe to be at the loft. Vic Grassi had given him a reprieve for a few days. He took another bite of the kung pao chicken, just as his phone rang.

“Daddy,” Brian heard as he answered the phone.

“Sonnyboy,” Brian replied, his voice all soft and gentle.

“I miss you, Daddy.”

“I miss you too.”

“But you don’t call me for a long time.”

“I know … and I’m sorry, Gus.”

“That’s okay,” Gus said, his voice brightening at Brian’s apology.

Brian smiled. Sometimes it was good to express regret. “It’s not okay, Gus. I should have called more often.”

“That would be good, Daddy.”

“So, what do you think about me coming to visit you?”

“Yippee!” Gus yelled.

“That’s the kind of reaction I like,” Brian laughed.

“Daddy, can you come for Halloween? We can dress up and go trick and treating.”

“I think it’s trick or treating, Gus.”

“Okay, so can you?”

“I’ll check my schedule and do my best to be there.”

“Yippee!” Gus yelled again.

Brian knew he would have to make that happen. “See you soon, Gus.”

“Daddy?”

“Yes, Gus.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“And, Daddy…?”

“Yes?”

“Can you bring Jus with you?”

Brian winced. He didn’t think Gus would even remember Justin. “I don’t think that’s possible, Gus.”

“Oh…”

Brian could hear the disappointment in Gus’ voice. “But I’ll make sure that I’m there,” Brian said hopefully.

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, bye, Daddy.”

“Bye, Gus.”

Brian set the phone down. He felt kind of funny. He rubbed his eyes and blinked several times. He had refused to think about Justin for so long, it made him kind of queasy to step back into those memories. Or maybe it was something in the kung pao chicken. He picked up the cardboard box containing the remaining chicken and walked over to the kitchen where he deposited it in the trash.

It was still early, but he was so tired. Maybe he’d just go to bed and think about all this another day. Did he sound like Scarlett Fucking O’Hara? Jesus, he was becoming a bonafide lesbian. Maybe he should go to Babylon. He thought maybe he’d be able to keep an erection if there was no reappearance of the ghost of Vic Grassi.

Brian walked up to the bedroom. The bed looked mighty inviting. But there was also Babylon. Brian hesitated. He should really book his plane tickets to Toronto. He only had a few days before Halloween.

He walked back down the steps and over to the computer. He sat down with a soft expulsion of breath. It wasn’t a sigh. He was just tired. He logged onto the Liberty Air site and put in his special number.

Why did Gus have to mention Justin? It had been … nine fucking months since he had had any contact with the young man. Some anniversary! He should celebrate … not! Brian had promised to give Justin a year to make his own way without any interference from him. He intended to stick to that.

Pittsburgh to Toronto, he typed in on the screen.

While he waited for his choices of flights to come up, he let his mind wander to the re-opening of Babylon. He had so wanted Justin to be there, to affirm that there was still a chance for them in spite of the separation. But he hadn’t asked Justin to come. He wanted the young man to have a fair chance in New York, to break free of all the constraints that their relationship would have put on him, to live his life to the fullest. It had been the right decision. He knew it was. No matter how much it hurt.

Brian booked his flight to Toronto, arriving at two in the afternoon, leaving lots of time to see Gus in his costume, and then take his son trick or treating. That done, he logged off and headed to bed. Sleep was what he needed.

 

*****
 


“Brian Kinney, I am not pleased with you.”

“Huh?” Brian asked as his eyes opened to the specter of Vic Grassi once again leaning over his bed. “What are you doing here? You said I had some time.”

“And you’re wasting it.”

“I’m going to see my son.”

“You think that’s all there is to it?” Vic asked.

“Ted said I was missing some people, so I’m going to see Gus.”

“Ted said ‘people’, not just Gus,” Vic corrected.

“I’ll see Lindsay and Mel while I’m there. What are they – chopped liver?”

“As far as you’re concerned they are.”

“Fuck off!”

“You know what I’m talking about. Fix it, Brian.”

“I can’t.”

“Then I will be back again and again until you deal with the whole issue. Every time you try to fuck, I’ll be there making you regret what you’re doing,” Vic promised.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Brian asked hoping a gentle question might get him somewhere.

“I’m trying to show you what you need, Brian. Accept what you know you need to do.”

“Go away.”

Vic shook his head and gradually faded from view. Brian hoped Vic had finally given up.

 

*****
 


Two days later Brian sat on a Liberty Air plane. He smiled as he thought about spending time with Gus. Brian silently vowed not to let so much time pass again before he visited his son. He was beginning to realize just how much he missed the little boy. He thought about the Rage mask he had packed in his carry on. That was the extent of the dressing up he was prepared to do for Halloween, but he could hardly wait to see what Gus would be dressed as. The little boy said it was a surprise, and Brian would have to wait until Halloween – just a few hours from now.

Brian closed his eyes. He had not slept much the last two nights, thanks to visits from Vic Grassi. Each night he had been warned to fix things. Well, this was how he was fixing them. It better be enough. He didn’t think he could go on like this much longer. Maybe ghosts couldn’t fly to Canada – without a passport. Brian chuckled at his own joke. But deep inside, he was hoping that Vic would leave him alone while he was away.

The plane began its descent and Brian felt a chill of anticipation run up his spine. He hoped everything would go well.

A brief cab ride and he was standing in front of the door. He sucked in a deep breath and rapped. The door opened and he came face to face with … his future.

“Justin,” he whispered.

“Brian…” Justin said drawing in a lengthy breath as he took in the apparition standing in front of him.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“What took you so fucking long?” Justin demanded before he threw himself into Brian’s arms.

“You’ve been waiting … for me?” Brian asked in wonder.

“You said it was ‘only time’. I knew you’d come eventually … when you were ready.”

“How the fuck did you know that, when I didn’t even know it myself?”

“You forget that I’m onto you.”

“Always have been,” Justin whispered.

“Always will be,” Brian added before he crushed his lips against Justin’s.

It didn’t take them long to get naked and find Justin’s bed. The first fuck was just that – a fuck, hard and needy and fast. The second one was slow and lingering, soft and warm, making love. The third one was just because they could and they both wanted to.

After, they lay quietly Justin’s head atop Brian’s heart. Justin listened to the slow, steady beat, having missed it so much. “I’m so glad you came,” Justin whispered.

“I think you came too,” Brian smirked.

“You know what I meant,” Justin chuckled giving Brian’s arm a gentle swat.

“Yeah.”

“Why did you finally come here?”

“A couple of people pushed me.”

“Who? Nobody pushes Brian Kinney.”

“These people did, and I’ll tell you all about it, but right now we need to get up. I booked two tickets to Toronto, one for me … and one for you if you choose to come with me.” Brian held his breath waiting for the reply.

“Gus,” Justin breathed.

“Yes, he specifically asked me to bring you for Halloween.”

“He did?” Justin asked raising his head to look into Brian’s eyes, a warm smile on his face.

“He did.”

“So that was one of the people pushing you?”

“Yes,” Brian admitted. “So, what do you think about a whirlwind trip to Toronto?”

“I think it’s a great idea. Let’s go,” Justin said sitting up and throwing back the duvet.

“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” Brian said with his own warm smile.

“Only one?” Justin asked with a grin.

“One of several thousand,” Brian conceded as they headed for the shower.

 

*****
 


Brian rang the doorbell. He realized he was holding his breath as he waited for a response. Finally Lindsay opened the door.

“You’re here,” she said stating the obvious.

“That’s correct. Where’s my Sonnyboy?”

“Daddy!” Gus shrieked as he launched himself into his father’s arms.

“Gus, Gus,” Brian whispered against Gus’ soft auburn hair.

“You came, Daddy. You promised and you came.”

“Of course I did. And I’m going to visit more often. I promise that too.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Melanie said in a disparaging tone.

“And hello to you too, Melanie,” Brian said as Melanie appeared behind her wife.

“Come on in,” Lindsay said, trying to avert a major confrontation.

“Not yet,” Brian replied.

“What?” Lindsay asked with a frown.

“I have something for Gus … and he’s right here,” Brian said as he reached beside the doorframe and pulled Justin into view.

“JUS!” Gus yelled practically leaping from his father’s arms into Justin’s.

“How …How did you get here?” Lindsay asked uncertainly.

“Brian picked me up when he passed through New York.”

“So, you’re back together?” Lindsay asked.

“That’s still open to discussion,” Justin said looking at Brian, “but we were never really apart. Just taking a hiatus.”

“Hiatus?” Lindsay replied like she had never heard of that concept before.

“That’s an interesting choice of words,” Melanie interjected.

“I think we should talk about this later. Some little boy I know needs to get dressed for trick or treating,” Brian stated.

“Yes, Daddy, you’ll like my costume,” Gus informed his father.

 

*****
 


Some time later, three males exited the home of two lesbians and a little girl. One wore a leather jacket, a smile of happiness and a Rage mask. One wore a white shirt with blue jeans, a radiant smile and spiky blond hair. The little boy wore a happy grin under his own Rage mask. He was costumed like a miniature Rage with his dark grey superhero outfit. He bounced along between the two men so happy to be trick or treating with his dad and Jus.

As they rounded a corner Brian stopped in his tracks. “Um, Justin, would you take Gus up to that house.”

“Um, sure," Justin said giving Brian a quizzical look.  "Or have you suddenly got cold feet, big guy?” Justin asked, deciding to lighten the question.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Justin shrugged, took Gus’ hand and walked him up the driveway to the front door of the house.

Brian crossed the street and looked over the hedge in front of the house located there. “Vic?” he whispered.

“Yes, Brian, I’m here,” Vic’s face appeared among the limbs of the high hedge.

“But why…? I thought I did everything you wanted me to.”

“You did. I’m very proud of you, Brian.”

“Then why are you here? Are you going to continue haunting me?”

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“I guess not,” Brian said with a frown.

“I’m inside your head. You see me when you’re afraid or when you need to clarify things in your life,” Vic explained.

“So you’re not real?”

“Real enough to persuade you to take the desired actions.”

“But you seem so evil, so scary,” Brian said hesitantly. He didn’t want to admit that seeing Vic had scared him.

“Would you pay any attention to me if I was sweet and kind?” Vic asked with his evil grin.

“Probably not.”

“So I take the form that is required.”

“But … if you’re in my head…?”

“That means I’ll be around if you need me. You did the right thing. Don’t screw it up.” Vic slowly faded from view as Brian said, “I won’t.”

“Daddy, over here,” Gus called.

“Coming, Gus,” Brian said as he hurried across the street. He glanced back at the hedge, seeing only a hedge and nothing more. “I’ll take you up to the next house, Gus,” Brian volunteered.

“Good, Daddy.”

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes and a silent promise passed between them. Each man took one of Gus’ hands and they made their way towards the next house on the street. A smile graced each face. None of them could think of a better way to spend their evening.

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