LOVE SOMETIMES
SHAKEN
We started with love
And when our love
Was sometimes shaken
We braced it
With understanding
To give it strength
Leonard Nimoy
Justin was having trouble sleeping. He tossed and turned in the small
bed until he couldn’t stand it any longer. He got up and headed downstairs
to the kitchen for something to eat. He looked at the container of leftover
stew and rejected it, deciding on a sandwich instead. He loaded his arms
with turkey and Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion and mayonnaise and set
them on the small table in the breakfast nook. He went back into the kitchen
and grabbed a loaf of bread, a knife and the milk, then remembered a paper
towel, too. As he sliced tomatoes and onions and gradually built his
sandwich he was taken back to all the times he and Brian had eaten turkey
sandwiches. No mayo on Brian’s of course. Too much
fat. Justin let himself
smile at the thought.
One of the good memories of his life with Brian.
Brian was always so concerned with his weight. He panicked at the thought
of gaining even one ounce on his lithe, firm body. Justin shook his head
to get the image of his lover, rather, former lover,
from his mind. But he knew it would be impossible. Brian was
always there, in his head, treading on his life.
“Justin. Honey, are you okay?”
The sound of his mother’s voice penetrated his brain, pulling him from
the thoughts that kept him awake. “Huh? Mom, yeah, I’m fine.
Couldn’t sleep.” Then
added in way of explanation, “I guess I’m still not used to that
bed. I’m sorry if I woke you up. I was trying to be quiet.”
“You didn’t, at least not by making noise.” Justin wrinkled
his brow, waiting for his mother to continue. “Just maternal instinct,
I guess. I’ve been worried about you. I know you’re not sleeping
very well. I know how often you get up during the night. Don’t you want
to talk about it?” Justin watched his mother pour some milk into the
two glasses she got from the cupboard.
“I can’t, not yet. It’s just something I have to work out.”
“You miss him, don’t you?” Jennifer sat and sipped from the
glass, watching the play of emotions that crossed his face. “You miss
Brian.”
Justin smiled to himself. Mother’s intuition is right and his mother
had a double dose of it. All he could do in way of answer was a small nod
of his head.
Jennifer reached her hand across the table and took hold of her son’s
hand, noting how cold it was. “You know, you’re the only one who
can change things. It’s up to you how you live your life. If you want
him back, you have to make the first move.”
“What if he...he doesn’t want me back?”
“Honey, I know Brian cares a lot for you. Deb told me once that he loves
you...”
“Mom, not after what I did. If he did love me once, I’m sure he
doesn’t any more.”
“How can you be so sure, Sweetheart? Think about it. I’m going
back to bed. Don’t forget to put all this back. I love you, Justin.”
Justin watched her walk out of the room, and then took a bite of his sandwich.
His brain was filled with what his life had become since the Rage party.
Even though he had left Ethan months before, Justin still had not been to
Woody’s or
Michael was downright nasty to him and didn’t want him to even wait
on him when he came into the diner. Justin had even given up his part of
the Rage comic. He and Michael had tried to continue with it, but it became
clear that Michael didn’t want anything to do with him. He recommended
another PIFA student who was working out pretty well.
Only Emmett, Lindsay and Melanie remained friendly to him. Justin would still
baby sit Gus if Brian wasn’t available, which was more and more now
that he was a partner. He put in long hours at work, and didn’t see
much of the gang, except on weekends. Justin talked to Emmett on the phone
a couple of times a week and they met for lunch occasionally, but that
was about all. At first he and Em talked about
everything but “you know who”, neither one wanting to bring up
that subject. Lately, though, they had danced around “the Brian
situation” as Emmett called it.
School was out for the summer, and Justin had gotten a full time job at a
school teaching art classes for kids. He loved working with the young children
and seemed to know exactly how to talk to them. There were even a few who
showed real potential as artists.
Mostly, though, Justin hung around
the condo, took his sister to the zoo and the movies and helped his mom around
the house. He never dated although he had many chances. His thoughts were
only of Brian. How was he doing, what was he doing, and did Brian ever think
of him. Lying in bed at night was the hardest time for him. He remembered
what it was like to fall asleep in Brian’s arms, and awaken to see those
hazel eyes looking at him. Justin knew Brian watched him as he slept, but
never said anything because he didn’t want him to stop. His whole body
ached for Brian’s touch, for his kiss. Justin didn’t think he could
ever be more lonely or unhappy as he was at that moment. How could he love
someone as much as he loved Brian, and still be as unhappy as he was? It
didn’t make sense to him, and he knew he had to do something about it.
He had to be a part of Brian’s life again. They belonged together. Justin
also knew that he was the one who walked out on their relationship, even
though, he now realized, Brian had pushed him out.
Justin finished his sandwich and put everything away. When the kitchen was
once again in order, he walked back upstairs to his room. He sat on the side
of the bed, holding his head in his hands. There were no more tears to shed.
He had cried them all out in the nights he now spent alone at his mother’s
house.
*****************************************
Brian unlocked the door to the loft and went in. It was
Even though it had been several months since Justin had move out of the loft,
there were reminders of the time he lived there. A partially opened package
of Oreo cookies took up space in the kitchen cabinet next to a box of Cheerios
and a jar of marshmallow fluff. One of his sketch pads had been carelessly
tossed onto the coffee table with a freshly sharpened pencil. The gray
hoodie sweater he always wore was thrown casually
across the corner of the dresser. A soft, well worn red sweatshirt had been
placed carefully under the pillow Brian slept on each night. And each night,
Brian would pull the sweatshirt from under his pillow, and hold it tightly
in his arms, letting the fading Justin scent fill his mind.
Sometimes he would smile as he remembered Justin’s fondness for talking in bed while Brian was drifting off to sleep. He would finally realize the futility of sleep when Justin was in that mode, and resign himself to the fact that he would be awake for ‘one more quick question’. Sometimes Brian would have to fight back the tears as he remembered the nightmares and those last few nights before Justin finally left. Nights spent in quiet desperation, each wondering if this was the last time they would ever be together like this. Brian would think of all the words he should have said and didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t and all the words he did say that were better left unsaid. He wanted just one more chance to get it right.
Brian changed his clothes then looked for something to eat. He opened the
freezer and picked out a container of lamb stew that Justin had made before
his birthday. It was the last of the food Justin had frozen and Brian
didn’t have the nerve to eat it. Maybe when it was gone, all hope of
Justin ever coming back would be gone, too. It was irrational, he knew, but
the fear was there. No, it would stay in the freezer a while longer. Since
nothing else in the freezer caught his eye, he closed
the door and opened the cabinet above the counter. He pulled a jar from the
shelf and opened it. He dug a small spoonful of the white, sticky substance
from the half full jar, replaced the lid and set it back on the shelf. He
opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water, walked to the chaise
and sat down. Raising the spoon to his mouth, he took a small taste of the
marshmallow fluff. The sweetness ran over his tongue. He closed his eyes,
savoring the feel of the smooth, thick confection. Each bite reminded him
of Justin, and how they would sit in that very spot and feed each other ice
cream or strawberries and chocolate sauce. or
marshmallow fluff from a spoon. The taste lingering to be enjoyed with the
kisses that followed. Kisses that led to sweet caresses and playful touches
that neither wanted to stop.
“Does Justin think of those things when he thinks of me?” Brian
wondered. “Does he remember the good parts, or are they pushed back
by the hurtful, bitter memories that took over?” He knew they started
with love, even though he couldn’t admit it at the time. How did it
go so wrong and was there a chance for them again. Brian knew he would never
be happy alone. He had been spoiled by a brave, talented and charming man-child,
whose beauty of face was no match for his beauty of soul. No one else would
ever be able to compare. They completed each other and were meant to spend
eternity as one. Brian would win back his angel. He had to try because he
knew he would never be happy without him.