TODAY, TIME HAS STOPPED


Today, time has stopped.
A minute is still a minute.
An hour is still an hour.

And yet,

The past and the future
Hang in perfect balance.
All focused on the present.

A sweet flow of excitement
Warms me.

You are near.
You are here.*

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”Justin” Brian sat up in bed, heart racing, sweat running into his eyes. He looks around the dark room, seeing nothing but shadows playing on the walls. “dream” he thinks to himself. “Just another dream” But he couldn’t remember what it was, except that Justin was calling for him. He’d awakened the same way three times in the last week. What did it mean? He didn’t know, but he did know that he had to see Justin, to make sure he was ok. Brian lay back down in the bed, looking at the clock. 1: 35 The same time as last night, and Monday night. He had to talk to Justin.

Several miles away, Justin was startled awake by a memory or a dream. He wasn’t sure which, or if there was even any difference. All he knew was that Brian had something to do with it. The man in bed with him stirred and mumbled, “What’s wrong?”

”Nothing, E. Go back to sleep.” The red numbers on the clock dial read 1:35. “This is the third time this week,” he thought to himself and wondered why this was happening. The steady breathing of the other man told him that he had indeed gone back to sleep. “Brian wouldn’t have gone back to sleep, I bet. He would have snuggled closer to me letting me feel his whole body against my skin. Good, I loved that, loved the feel of him holding me. Justin smiled at the thought of mentioning to Brian that he snuggled. “I do not snuggle, Justin. “You’re just warm.”  It’s been 4 months since he walked out of Babylon with Ethan. He wanted Brian to stop him, to tell him not to go, that they could work it out. But he didn’t. “And here I am, lying next to someone I don’t love, thinking about the one person I do love. The only person I will ever love. God. How did I mess up so badly?” Finally drifting off to a fitful sleep, Justin knew he had to talk to Brian.

”Hello,” Michael said, answering the phone.

”Hey, you meeting the guys at the diner this morning?”

”Brian, yeah, Every Tuesday, you know that”

”I’ll see you there. 8 o’clock, ok?”

”Brian, you know Justin’s working today, every Tuesday. You haven’t been to the diner on a Tuesday since, well since, ummm, the Rage party.”

”I’ll see you guys there. Bye, Mikey.” Brian hung up, leaving a very confused Michael on the other end of the line.

Justin was pouring some coffee when he heard the bell over the door. He had heard that bell hundreds of times, perhaps thousands of times, in the past 4 months, but this was different, He knew before he even turned around that Brian had just walked in. Don’t ask him how he knew. He just knew that he could tell whenever Brian was near. He didn’t turn toward the door. Instead he sidled over to the next table, to refresh their coffee. He needed time to get his emotions under control before he faced Brian.

Brian walked in and immediately saw Justin, back to him, pouring coffee. But he also saw the slight movement he knew indicated that Justin sensed his presence. A half smile crossed his lips, but only for a moment. He spied the guys sitting at their regular table and walked over. Michael moved over so his best friend could slide in beside him.

“Hey, guys,” Brian said cheerily. They all looked at him like he was wearing the latest Wal-mart fashions.

”So, Brian. To what do we owe this Tuesday morning honor? Should I call our waiter over?” Em said. “Oh, here he comes now.”

Brian looked up as Justin approached the table. “Justin. How are you?” What he really wanted was to pull him down onto his lap and kiss those full lips. It had been so long since he felt the younger man in his arms.

”Ahh, fine, and you?

”Fine. Can you pour me some of that coffee, or are you going to stand there holding thepot until it gets cold?”  Justin laughed, picking up on the friendly way he said it. He poured the coffee, offering more to others, and left.

Michael looked at Brian, wondering what had just happened. It hadn’t been that long ago when Brian didn’t want to even hear Justin’s name mentioned in the same room as he was. Now, he was kidding with him. “What’s going on, Brian? You and Justin aren’t together again are you? Not after what he did to you. Not after he left you for another man.”

Brian just gave his friend a look he knew well. A look that said don’t go there, or else. Ted and Emmett picked up on the look too, successfully stopping Em from saying what was on the tip of his tongue. They all stared at Brian.

”Do you guys want to order now?” Justin stood beside the booth, order pad in hand.

”My usual, Justin,” Ted said. He was so predictable. Justin didn’t even have to write it down, he already had it on the pad as soon as he saw them walk in.

”I’ll have.....french toast and a double side order of bacon this morning. I’m starving.” Em said as he put down the menu.

Michael ordered scrambled eggs, bacon and toast.

Everyone looked at Brian. “Just an English Muffin, plain, and some honey.” After asking if anyone wanted juice, Justin went to put the orders in.

Brian watched him as he walked to the window and hung to order sheet on the wheel. “Back in a minute, guys.” He walked over to the counter. “Justin,” he said softly. Justin turned and looked into his hazel eyes, as mesmerized now as he was two years ago under the street lamp. “Can we talk sometime soon? Not here. I’ll understand if you say no, but I need to....to talk to you.”

Justin studied his face. All he saw was softness and concern, no anger or hate although he had good reason for both. “I’m working the late shift tonight, too. Can you pick me up at ten? We can go somewhere quiet.”


Brian smiled. “Thank you,” was all he said and returned to his friends.

”What was that all about, Bri?” Michael asked. Brian ignored him, and picked up the morning paper, turning to the stock market.

An hour later they all left for their various jobs. Justin watched them leave, wondering what Brian wanted to talk about. He removed his apron and went into the locker room to get his backpack and head off to school. He had a hard time concentrating all morning. He was in the student cafeteria for lunch, when Ethan joined him. Justin had forgotten he was supposed to meet the musician in his practice studio and offered a meager apology.

”Justin, what is going on with you? Your mind isn’t in Pittsburgh. I’m not even sure it’s on this planet. You’ve hardly said anything in a week. This is the second time you forgot about our lunch date. What’s up?” They had walked outside to sit on one of the benches.

”Nothing. Just some stuff on my mind.” Why couldn’ he tell him the truth? He may not love him, but he didn’t want to hurt him, either. “Um, I have to do some studio work tonight after I leave the diner. I’ll be late, after midnight, at least.  You/ll be able to practice in private.” He hoped the forced smile on his face looked real to the other man.

”I could meet you at the diner and go with you. That’s awfully late.”

”No. Please, I need to be alone. Ok? I’ll make it up to you. Promise.”

Ethan just nodded, reached over and pressed a small kiss to Justin’s mouth and walked toward the music building. Justin watched his retreating form and closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind.

Brian strolled casually into the diner a few minutes before Justin was due to end his shift. Ethan had decided to surprise Justin by meeting him when he got off and going to the studio with him. He packed a little snack for them to share. Justin loved their impromptu picnics. A little cheese, crackers, fruit and of course wine. They would feed each other grapes and make silly toasts with the wine and talk. That was the best part. At least it was, until recently. Justin had been acting kind of strange the past week or so. The young man was just approaching the diner when he saw Justin’s ex go in. “No,” he thought. “It’s just a coincidence. Justin wouldn’t be meeting with him.” He looked into the large window, seeing the two men exchange friendly smiles. He wondered how long this has been going on. Has Justin been seeing Brian behind his back? He thought about the times Justin said he had to work at the studio, like tonight. Or said he worked overtime because the diner was busy, or someone called in sick. Is this what was really going on? He watched as Justin and Brian left the diner and got into the Jeep.  Ethan was getting angrier as the minutes went by. “He can’t do this to me. I’ll show him.” He stomped home to the little apartment that couldn’t even begin to compare to the “killer loft”. “Why, Justin, why? I love you. I know you can learn to love me like you loved him.. Just give us a chance.”

Brian stopped the Jeep in the parking lot. They got out and walked into the park, to a bench by some large maple trees. It was warm out, and there were still a few people wandering around the park, mostly couples wanting to be alone. They wouldn’t be disturbed.  Justin sat on the bench, waiting for Brian to speak first.

Brian paced around the bench, getting up his courage. This wasn’t something he found easy to do. Sitting against the side of the bench so he could see Justin, he began. “I guess you’re wondering why I wanted to see you. Justin, I don’t know what’s going on, but some strange things have been happening this past week. I keep waking up...”

”At 1:35,” Justin said quietly.

Brian looked surprised. “Yeah. How did you know?”

”I woke up at that same time three nights this week. I don’t know why, except I was thinking about you when I did.”

”I’ve been dreaming about you, that you were calling for me. I don’t really remember anything else. I just wake up, my heart pounding, sweating. It’s awful, like something’s happened to you. It’s not the prom. Something else, something different.”

”What do you think it means?”

”I wish I knew. I do know there’s still something between us, some bond that we have. Justin, I...” Could he go on, say what he wanted? He took a deep breath and just said it. “Justin, I love you.” He let out his breath, and waited for Justin to respond, but Justin just looked at him. “Oh, God,” he thought. “Now I did it. He’s going to tell me to go to hell or something. That it’s too late.”

”Justin.” He was stopped by Justin’s finger to his lips. He could see the tears in Justin’s blue eyes. He just knew it was good-bye.

”I’ve waited so long for you to say those words, Brian. I didn’t want to leave with Eth..., with him, that night. I wanted you to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved, the only man I ever will love. I never loved him. I just loved the idea of him. I wanted his words to be your words. I want to come home.”

Brian pulled Justin into his arms. They sat like that for a long time before Brian could speak. The great Brian Kinney had tears in his eyes. “I wanted to stop you. You don’t know how badly I did. I wanted you to be happy, and I couldn’t do that for you. I thought he could. He could give you the words, and the romance. I had to let you go. But now I want you to come home where you belong. I’ll never let you leave again”

Justin was in Brian’s arms in a flash. Their lips pressed together in an urgent, hard kiss. It had been so long. They finally parted, the need to breath over whelming. “Come back to the loft with me now, Baby. I want you so much. I need you back in my life.” After more kisses, Justin laid his head against Brian’s neck and let himself get lost in the feel of Brian’s hands once again on the back of his neck and caressing his back. It wasn’t the sex they needed right now, just the closeness and feel of each other’s body.

”Brian.” Justin moved away from the embrace. “I have to talk to him. I can’t just not go back. Please. Let me do this tonight. I’ll call you later, and you can pick me up. Besides, I need some stuff from there.” He could feel Brian tense. “It’ll only be an hour probably less. I have to.”

Finally, Brian nodded. “Ok, I understand. I’ll drop you off. Are you sure you don’t want me to go up with you?” Justin nodded. “One hour and I’ll be back to pick you up.” Brian knew he would be back in front of the building in a lot less than one hour. He had a bad feeling about this, but figured Justin knew what he was doing.

They walked back to the Jeep, arms around each other. Brian bent down to kiss Justin as he got into the passenger side. He drove to the old apartment building and Justin got out. Justin could see the worry on his face. “I’ll be ok. Nothing’s going to happen.” He started to move away, then turned and leaned down, smiling. “Later.”

Brian smiled back and answered, “Later, Baby. I love you.” Brian drove off after watching Justin open the big front door and enter the building.

Justin started up the stairs, not realizing how loud his footsteps sounded in the late night silence of the building. No babies crying, no televisions blaring out theme songs from old,, forgotten shows. The door was locked, so Justin pulled his key from his pocket and put it in the lock, wondering if Ethan was even home.  He walked into the apartment, closing the door after him. “Don’t bother locking it, you little whore,” Ethan growled in a voice Justin had never heard. He turned to face an irate Ethan. “You were with him, weren’t you? I saw you leave the diner with him. How long has this been going on? How long?”

Justin backed up against the door as Ethan approached him, fire in his already dark eyes. Panic was setting in. He flashed onto Chris Hobbs, hate in his eyes as he swung the already raised bat at his head. Justin didn’t see any weapon on Ethan. ”Ethan, please. It’s not like that. He just wanted to talk. This is the first time I’ve seen him since Babylon, I swear.”

”I don’t believe you.” Ethan was only a few feet away. “You call his name out in your sleep. You haven’t let me make love to you in over a week. Did you let him fuck you tonight? Did you let him stick his cock in your ass?  Did you? Answer me.”

”No, E. We just talked. Honestly.” Justin tried to keep his voice calm. He didn’t want to make Ethan any angrier. Justin couldn’t believe this was the same person he came to live with 4 months ago. He didn’t see any of the romantic musician in this creature walking toward him.

”He’ll never have you again. That I promise you.” Justin felt a sharp pain in his abdomen as Ethan pushed against him. He looked down and saw a large kitchen knife in Ethan’s hand. Then the blood, as the knife was pulled out. Before he could react, Ethan pushed the sharp knife in under his ribs. Justin gasped for air, as he felt himself falling. The room was getting darker, “Brian,” he whispered. “I love...” Before he could finish he fell into a heap in front of the door. Blood was running from the deep wounds. Ethan dropped the knife, and pulled Justin by the arm until he had enough room to open the door and walk out.

Brian was on way into the store to buy some oreo cookies and milk for Justin. Brian let out a little chuckle as he thought of Justin eating oreos while watching Powerpuff Girls on TV. As he got out of the Jeep, he suddenly felt cold, and experienced sharp pains in his stomach. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. “Oh, my God. Justin, no.” Tires squealed as he raced from the parking lot, and headed to Justin’s, no Ethan’s, apartment building. He pulled out his cell phone, dialing 911 as he looked to his right and left before he chanced running a red light. He gave the operator what information he had, address and unknown trouble and prayed that they would get there in time.

Brian pulled up in front of the building as a police car also came to a stop. “Follow me,” Brian yelled, running into the building, afraid of what he’d find.

At the last flight of stairs, the police officer caught up with Brian, grabbed him and told him to stay back. His gun was drawn as he saw the partially opened door and the blonde head on the floor. Two more officers reached the top floor and entered the apartment. “All clear,” one of them yelled. “We need EMS fast,” the first officer said. Brian was in the room in a flash. He kneeled next to Justin, then sat on the floor, putting his face close to Justin’s.

“I’m here, Baby. “I’m right here. Hold on. Please, just hold on. The ambulance will be here in a minute. I won’t leave you. Justin, please. I love you. “Don’t leave me now. Not now.” The officer held towels against the bleeding wounds.  Brian’s mind was whirling, back to the parking garage floor and the white scarf. He was crying. He kept repeating the words he knew Justin waited so long to hear. “I love you, Justin. I love you, Baby. I need you, don’t leave me.”

When EMS arrived, the police officers had to pull Brian away from his lover. “Let them do their job,” they said quietly, trying to calm the crying man. Brian watched as IV lines were started, blood pressures taken, dressings applied. The blood, so much blood. Soon, the young man was lifted onto the litter and rushed to the waiting ambulance. “I’m going with him. I’m not leaving him. I promised.”

Brian was again riding in the back of an ambulance, Justin’s blood on his clothes and face, Justin lying on a litter with blood everywhere. In his mind he kept repeating “He’s going to be ok, he’s going to be ok.”  And he prayed to God that it was true.  The clock in the ambulance read 1:35.   

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