The Darkness of Past

Part 2

THE LIGHT OF NOW*

Brian's POV

I saw him today. I should say I watched him today. He didn’t know I was there. I’ve been doing that lately, watching him. He is so beautiful. There was something different about him, though, something sad, I guess you could say. I thought that when he left, when I made him leave, he would be happy. I hadn’t seen him truly happy in a long time. No Sunshine smile lighting up a room. No playfulness. Just desperation, trying to hold on to something that was slowly dissolving into nothingness. Yes, today was the day I had to try to win him back.

I want to see that smile again. I want him to be happy more than anything in this world. I want to be the one to make him happy. I want him back in my life. Back in my life, huh. I don’t think he was ever out of my life since the first night. Through everything, until the  day he left, and even after he left, he stayed in my life. I want to be the one to make him happy again.  Can I do it?

I had been standing outside the school for an hour waiting for him. I almost lost my nerve once or twice, but then I thought of what my life would be like if I didn’t at least try. So there I was, leaning against the Jeep waiting for him. He walked out the door, head down, took a few more steps then stopped. He slowly looked up, as if he knew I was there. I stood  up straight and just stared at him. I took a few steps toward him, hoping he wouldn’t turn and walk away. He didn’t.  My heart was beating so loudly, I could hear it. He flung his backpack over his shoulder and walked toward me. He stopped a few feet away.  I could see the tension in his stance. “Hey,” he said. It was a start. “Hey, yourself,” I said. “Can we talk?” I waited for an eternity for him to answer. Finally, he relaxed a little. “Sure.”

I drove to the park. He didn’t want to go to the loft and the diner was too noisy. The park gave us room to move around, to express ourselves without fear of being overheard. It was a familiar place to both of us. We spent many a Saturday there with Gus. I wanted to touch him and hold him, but I was afraid. I didn’t want to rush things. So we talked. I not  only listened to what he said, but how he said it. The regret when he said he was sorry he had hurt me, the sadness when he said he missed me, the longing when he said it was me he wanted to hold him at night. These emotions are too real. I want to believe him, to trust him again. It’s up to me. Either I trust him or I don’t.

If I don’t trust him, he leaves for good. No longer to be a part of my life, no matter how long he stays in my heart. If I don’t let go of the fear, we will never stand in the park and talk again. We’ll never share ice cream kisses or drive each other crazy when we dance. I’ll never have to sit still so he can sketch me for the thousandth time. I’ll never see those blue eyes looking up at me when we make love, or see his smile and know it’s for me. I don’t think I could live without each of those things, so I have to trust him again.

And if I do learn to trust him?  Can I risk my heart one more time? Memories of ice cream kisses and slow dances fill my mind. He can drive me crazy one minute and calm my soul the next. “We all live in a yel....” I can even live with that because I know I’ll have to watch it for the tenth time. And if he does come back, I can hold him in my arms and drift  off into a  sleep so peaceful..... I know I can trust him again.  I have to because I want him back in my life, or there is no life. There is no me.

He says we need to take it slow. To start over and do things right. “The rivers know this: There is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” I don’t know where he heard that,  but some day will be soon, that I know.

He lets me put my arm around his shoulders, at least he doesn’t push it off  when I do. As we walk, I feel his arm around my waist. It feels good there. It’s starting to come together, but he’s right, it will take time. But we have all the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere he can’t come, too.


Justin’s POV

He was watching me, I just knew it. I never saw him, but he was there. I  just wondered why. Was he spying on me, to see who I was with? No, that’s not his style. He’s watching me, trying to get up enough nerve to talk to me without looking like he’s giving in or going after me. If he wants to talk, I’ll talk to him. I owe him that. Besides, I really miss him, but I don’t want to be the one to go crawling back. That’s not my style.

How I want to look into those hazel eyes again. Watch them change color as his emotions change. Feel his arms around me, his fingers lightly caressing my cheek. I  can close my eyes and see him standing in front of me....Stop it. He may never want me back in his life and I have to be prepared for that. I’m the one who left him. I’m the one who hurt him and betrayed his trust. I want him to trust me again. I want to go back to the beginning. No, not the beginning. That’s past. We have to make a new beginning for ourselves.

I wasn’t really surprised to see him standing outside school today. I figured he’d show up sooner or later. I didn’t know what I was going to say, so all I said was, “Hey.” Our usual greeting, said calmer than what I felt. He wanted to talk. My heart flew out of my chest. He didn’t touch me. In fact he made it a point not to touch me, for which I’m very glad. I think his touch would have melted me right there on the sidewalk. Sometimes at night, I would ache for him so bad I couldn’t stand it.

He asked me where I wanted to go. Not to the loft, I told him. The diner’s too noisy and crowded he said. So he drove to the park where we used to take Gus on Saturdays. Maybe he still did.

I started talking and once I did, I couldn’t stop. It was my fault we both  ended up so unhappy. He admitted his part in it, but I was the one who left. I was the one who  broke the trust. I wanted him to trust me again. Was there anything I could say to help? I told him how sorry I was that I hurt him, and how much I missed him. When I got braver, I told him it was only him I wanted to hold me at night.

I could see the conflict on his face. He wanted to trust me, wanted me back in his life. But what would it mean? I thought of the happy times, the loving times we had. I could see me feeding him ice cream at we sat on the chaise. Slow dances in the loft that ended with us in bed. I could see his hazel eyes looking down at me as we made love. The prom. I want to be a part of his life again. I could never be happy any other way. I would never be happy unless it was his arms that held me as I slept. He is my life.

Part of me is afraid. I don’t want us to go too fast. We need time to heal. I was reading Winnie the Pooh to Gus one day and I remember Pooh saying,  “The rivers know this: There’s no hurry. We shall get there some day.” That marvelous, wise bear was right.

As we walked back to the Jeep, he puts his arm around my shoulders. It felt good, it felt  familiar and warm and comforting. I let it stay. I put my arm around his waist to let him know it’s going to be ok. We have time for everything, we have our whole lives. It feels  right. It feels good.. I want to be with him no matter where he is. It will work this time.

*title from a poem by Leonard Nimoy, “Will I Think of You?”, c1974, Celestial Arts.

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