The Game Of Chance
==================================================================================
“Brian wanted me to see him in the backroom. I know he did. It’s
like Michael all over again. God. Well, if he wants
me gone so bad, then I’m outta here. To
hell with Brian, to hell with Rage, and to hell with
Michael, too. I can’t take any more.” With all these
thoughts crowding his mind, Justin exited the dark backroom stood on the
dance floor among all the
men partying, oblivious to the change Justin’s life had just taken.
Justin looked around for Daphne, hoping she’d leave with him. He needed
to talk and she was the only person he wanted to talk with at that moment.
He headed toward the bar where he’d left her with Lindsay and Melanie.
Casually looking around, he spotted a familiar and unexpected guest.
Ethan had been looking for Justin in the sea of
laughing, dancing, gyrating bodies. That blonde hair wasn’t too hard
to miss. When Justin saw him, Ethan playfully put the Rage mask up to his
face, playing peek-a-boo with the other man. “I couldn’t believe
that Ethan showed up after he told me to leave, that he didn’t want
to see me anymore. That I was a distraction and
he had an important competition to prepare for.” He walked over to Ethan,
not knowing what to expect. Ethan was apologizing for the way he treated
Justin, and said he just wasn’t any good without him, that even his
music wasn’t the same.
Justin leaned into Ethan and they kissed. Ethan
pulled away and Justin looked at him, realizing he was staring over
Justin’s shoulder. Justin knew he would see Brian when he turned around.
He couldn’t believe he was standing there in Ethan’s embrace, hoping
Brian would stop what was going to happen. What had to
happen. He turned, staring into Brian’s eyes
from ten feet away. Even that far, he could see the turmoil
in Brian’s soul. “He doesn’t really want me to leave.
This is his way of leaving me. He wouldn’t just leave
me, he wouldn’t just throw me out. He does
want me to be happy, I know it. He thinks Ethan can make me happy, give me
the love and romance I want. That’s what I want, but not from Ethan.
I like Ethan, but I don’t love him. Can’t Brian see that he’s
the only man I’ll ever love. He’s my first
and last love. There’s no one else who can take his place. Please, Brian,
don’t leave me by making me leave you.” Brian just stood
there, watching, knowing how it has to play out.
Justin turned back to Ethan and without a word,
took his hand and they left
Babylon. It was the
hardest thing Justin had ever done. Once outside, Ethan started to say something,
but Justin gave him that “not now” look. Thankfully, Ethan
kept quiet. Neither one said a word in the car or as they climbed the stairs
to Ethan’s apartment.
As Justin threw his jacket over the sofa, the
realization of what had happened hit him. He felt empty, thrown away, and
the tears came like a flood, sobs wracked his body. His legs were jelly,
refusing to hold him up one second longer. All he could do was
sit on the floor. He wasn’t sure how long he
sat there and cried. He remembered Ethan trying to comfort him, but
Ethan wasn’t Brian. Ethan’s arms weren’t Brian’s.
Ethan’s voice wasn’t Brian’s. Ethan wasn’t Brian and
that’s who he really wanted now. He felt Ethan watching him, unsure
of what to do or say. Once Justin was all cried out, he let Ethan move him
to the bed and help him undress. Still in his underwear, he crawled under
the covers, trying to get warm. Ethan turned out the lights, undressed and
joined Justin in bed.
“Justin?” he asked tentatively as he
snuggled closer, putting an arm around his waist.
Justin tensed. “No, Ethan. Not tonight. Please.
I just can’t.” Justin felt the other man roll over, but not before
he planted a light kiss to the pale skin of his shoulder.
Surprisingly, Justin awoke in time to go to the
diner for his scheduled shift. He was glad Deb wasn’t working, too.
She had seen him leave
He could hear the violin as soon as he entered
the building. His own little serenade. “You
sound really good.”
“Thanks.” He put the violin down and
looked at Justin. “Were you at the diner? I woke up and you were
gone. I wasn’t sure what happened.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll give you my school
and work schedule. I’m going to take a quick shower. I smell like onions
and grease.” Before Ethan could say anything, he added, “I need
to go to the loft and pick up my things and I need to go alone. Brian and
the guys will be at the gym this afternoon. I’ll fix us a nice
supper when I get back. I happen to be a pretty
good cook.”
*****************************************
Ethan had his arms around Justin in the darkened room. “I’m sorry
about last night, E. I just needed to be left alone, to think some things
through.”
“I know. The two of you have a lot of history.
It’s not easy, breaking up. But you’re here with me now, and
that’s all that matters. I love you.”
Justin was glad Ethan couldn’t see his face
at that moment. He wanted to tell him that it’s not all that matters.
He still loved Brian and didn’t know if he could ever stop those feelings
from getting in the way of any other relationship he may have.
Ethan started to move his hands along Justin’s
body, until Justin turned over to face the musician. They kissed long and
hard before Ethan moved his body over Justin’s. The sex was frenzied
and urgent. Ethan wanted to stake his claim on Justin and Justin wanted to
forget that it wasn’t Brian in bed with him. As he came, Justin moaned
out Brian’s name as he had hundreds of times before. He wasn’t
even aware that he did it, but Ethan heard it and knew he was going to need
more than luck and violin music to win Justin’s heart.
******************************************
Ethan’s been playing that same piece over and over again for a whole
week. I know it’s important to him, how much he wants to win that
competition, but I’m really getting sick and tired of listening to it.
I have to get out of here. When he finally stops, I tell him I have to go
shopping for some school stuff. I really don’t, but if I don’t
get out of there, I’m going to go crazy. When did his
violin playing stop being romantic? I borrow
Ethan’s car and go to the Big Q. I’ll just buy something, anything,
to prove I really did need school supplies. I was deliberating over
the merits of different pencils when I felt someone
watching me. Not just someone, Brian. It was the same feeling
I used to get at the diner when he walked in. I knew as soon as he was there,
even if my back was to the door. I said something about him falling so low
that he had to shop there.
In truth it was really great seeing him. We made
sure we didn’t stand too close to one another and we didn’t touch.
That was the hardest part. I wanted to reach over and feel the smooth skin
of his face against my fingers, trace his beautiful lips with my thumb. I
wanted to put my arms around his waist and have him hold me against his body.
I remember talking about Gus and those awful French films that Ethan drags
me to every couple of months. I could never figure them out. I don’t
remember the details of our conversation, I just remember his voice. The
same voice that said our prom dance was ‘ridiculously romantic’,
the voice that called me ‘Stud’ and asked me to dance at Pride,
the voice that promised, a
lifetime ago, to take me someplace special. We didn’t tell each other
“ later” or even good-bye. I started to
leave, but he said my name one more time. “Justin.” I turned and
looked into his hazel eyes, not knowing what I wanted him to say. “It
was good seeing you.” I smiled. That would do for now. As I drove home
I knew that whatever it was we had together, whatever the chemistry was between
us, it was stronger than our foolish egos and stubborness.”
****************************************
“I’ve been thinking about Brian an awful lot lately. Seeing
him at the Big Q brought back all the feelings I
had tried to push aside these past months. He shows up in my dreams. I wonder
if Ethan knows. I wake up with Brian’s name on my lips, wondering if
I really said it, or just thought I did. If Ethan suspects anything, he
hasn’t mentioned it.”
Justin is tossing and turning, a nightmare taking
shape in the middle of the night. “Brian’s calling me back. His
voice sounds so funny, though. It should sound happy, excited, but instead
it sounds scared. ‘Justin.’ One word.
I have to see what he wants. Chris...what is he doing...I try to put
my arms up to stop him....too late...I love you, Brian, I think to myself,
not knowing if I’ll ever be able to tell him. No,
Chris...No...no...no...NO...NO...”
“Justin, wake up!” Ethan’s voice is sharp as he tries to hold Justin.
“I can feel arms around me, holding me...wrong arms... wrong
voice...Brian...I need Brian...I can’t wake up...I have to wake
up...BRIAN...I know it’s a nightmare...it’s a nightmare....It’s
been so long since the last time I had one....Why now...I have to get out
of here...why can’t I wake up...where’s Brian...have to find
Brian...no, Brian will find me....save me....he always does...Brian...my
face is wet, tears...I have to wake up...where is he...where’s
Brian...”
“He’s holding me. I can feel him. I know
he’s here, it’s not part of my nightmare.
The words. I have to listen to the words. They’re
Brian’s words, Brian’s voice. I have to listen...have to listen.
He’s telling me I’m going to be ok, I’m going to be ok. If
I stop rocking and let go of my legs, I can hold on to him. I beg him not
to leave me and he tells me he won’t ever
leave. But I left him. I’m the one who left. I want to go home with
him.”
“He’s pulling me up because I won’t let go. God, my head hurts. Brian will know what to do. Wait. Ethan. What do I say to Ethan? I’ll tell him I’m sorry, but I’ve always loved Brian and I have to go with him. Is Ethan crying? I don’t want him to cry. He tried, he really did. But no matter what he did, I compared him to Brian, and that wasn’t fair.”
“Good-bye, Ethan.”
Return to Chance Series