A Chance I had to Take
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I knew eventually Justin would realize what I had done, but it was a chance
I had to take.
I saw him watching me in the backroom, and I won’t ever forget the look
on his face. Sadness and betrayal and once again I had hurt him, hurt
the one person I loved more than myself. He turned and walked away
without saying a word. What was left to say. I knew he was walking
out of my life, and I deserved it. I couldn’t or wouldn’t
be the kind of boyfriend, partner, lover he wanted. I didn’t buy
him flowers, go on dates or say “I love you”.
I had to let him go. I wanted him to be happy, and if that was
with this violin playing schoolboy, so be it.
I saw them kissing when I returned to the party. Ethan saw me first,
then, Justin turned and stared at me for a long moment. Those beautiful
blue eyes watched me, perhaps wanting me to stop
what was about to happen. I didn’t. I let it play out the
way it had to, the way I scripted it in my head. Justin is going to
take the musician’s hand and they’ll walk out of here together.
Justin will be out of my life, or at least out of my sight. There
they go, hand in hand toward the exit. Now, if only I can get through
the rest of this evening without breaking down. I’m Brian
Kinney, I won’t break down in front of anyone.
I knew it was going to be the hardest thing I ever did, harder than
sending Mikey back to the good doctor the
night of his 30th birthday party. Justin was gone. Now I have
to live with it.
“I love you, Justin.” I’m not sure if I said it out
loud or to myself. I look around. The music was still playing,
people were still dancing. The world hadn’t come crashing down
after all. I just wish it had. Maybe, then, I wouldn’t feel
so lost at this moment. Ok. I’m Brian Kinney, I remind myself,
again. I can do this. I put on my “I don’t give a
shit” face and my Rage mask and start dancing. I flirt with the
first good looking man I see. What else? Oh, yeah, I remember. I
die inside. That’s what I do.
“Let’s go, Brian. I’m taking you home.”
Mikey’s voice cuts through the haze
of the booze and drugs. Emmett and Ted standing next
to him. They look funny. I have to remember to ask what
they’ve been up to. Then, again, maybe I don’t want to know
with those two.
“I can do it myself, Mikey.” I
fumble with my keys.
“I don’t think so, Big Guy. You’re not getting behind the wheel in the condition you’re in.”
“And just what condition is my condition in?” I laugh at
my own joke. No one else does. I head for the door thinking to
myself. “Now it starts. My life without
HIM.” He won’t be at home when I get there. He
won’t be in my shower, or at the kitchen counter
with his sketch pad, or listening to CD’s, or in my bed. I’ll
finally have peace and quiet. I can get used to it again. I know
I can. I have to keep reminding myself. “Okay, Mikey, ole pal.
Let’s get going.”
**************************************
“One week. It’s been one week. I’m doing
fine. I knew I could do it,” Brian says to himself as he
opens the loft door and listens to the sound of the empty room. He
knows it’s actually been six days, twenty hours and 38, no, 39, minutes
since the start of his new life. He whispers, barely audible even to
his own ears. “Baby, I’m home.” There’s no
answer, but then he didn’t expect one. No one’s answered
back in a week. The bang of the loft door as it closes echoes around
the room.
Setting his briefcase by the desk, he sees the
light on the answering machine blinking.
“No, Mikey, I don’t want to go to the diner,
Woody’s or
Babylon.
Especially not
“I don’t think so Mikey. Don’t
you dare show up here.” He has no intention
of going to the diner tonight. HE’LL be there working his shift until
ten. “I can’t believe I still remember his schedule.”
Brian goes to the kitchen and pulls the bottle
of JB from the cabinet. He removes the
cap and takes a long drink, not bothering to get a glass. “Cheers,
Sunshine. Our one week anniversary.”
He recaps the bottle and reaches to put it back. The next thing
he hears is the sound of glass breaking as the bottle collides with the wall
opposite the kitchen. “I was going to quit anyway.”
“Hello.” Good, it’s Linds.
“Is my son still up? Can I come over and play?”
“You have 45 minutes. Come on over. Are you ok? Have
you eaten dinner yet? Maybe I should ask if you’ve eaten anything
all week.”
“I’m on my way.” He ignores the other questions, knowing Lindsay will have food ready for him and plans to talk about IT/HIM once Gus is tucked in bed.
******************************************
I go to the Big Q twice a year, at most, and today was one of those days.
Of course, it’s also the day HE is there picking up some school
supplies. I didn’t see what’s-his-name. I stood at
the end of the aisle watching him. I know he senses me
and looks right at me. He smiles for a moment,
then remembers. The smile is gone, but I saw
it. I smile back. He breaks the awkward silence. “Brian
Kinney in the Big Q. Don’t tell me
you’ve slipped that low.”
“Just picking up something for Gus.”
I want to reach up and push some stray hairs off his forehead, but
I don’t. I want to feel his soft, silky skin, but I can’t. I
want to hold him, but he’s not mine anymore.
“Oh. Is he still sick? He had
a bad cold the other day.” Linds told me he still came by to see
my son. I’m glad. Gus really loves him. What is it
with us Kinney men and this blonde?
“He’s better. How are you
doing?”
“Okay.”
I look at him, trying to decipher the true meaning of that word. Okay.
Does that mean he doesn’t want to brag too much about how happy
he is, they are together? Or does it mean
that things are just “ok”. Like, they could be better.
Like, it’s not as great as he thought it would be? Like,
I really want to be with you, not him? I watch his face. He lowers
his eyes, knowing I can see the truth in them.
“I have to go. We’re going to
some French art film. Subtitles and all.”
A little grin and shrug.
“Have fun.” Nodding, he turns
and takes a couple of steps away from me.
“Justin.” I don’t want him to go. Just
one more minute. He turns back to face me.
“It was good seeing you.”
“Yeah. You,
too. Um, give Gus a big hug for me.” This time I
let him go but my eyes follow him til he turns
at the end of the aisle and disappears.
***************************************
It’s been almost two months. I haven’t been to
3:30
in the morning. As I reach for the phone, I wonder who could be calling
at this time. “What?” I
don’t remember what else I said, but I’m sure it wasn’t very
nice. For once, I was enjoying a good night’s sleep.
“It’s Ethan.” He sounds
scared. Justin. Suddenly I’m awake and sitting on the side
of the bed. “Something’s wrong with Justin.”
I’m already up and pulling on my jeans as Ethan continues.
“He’s having this nightmare...” I barely hear the rest.
A nightmare. He hasn’t had one
of those in over four months as far as I knew. He’s asking for
me, and I’m going to him. I always knew I
would. No matter what, no matter where.
I wonder if Ethan realizes I didn’t ask for his address. I didn’t need it. I knew it by heart. How many nights did I sit outside their building, watching for Justin to go in after his shift at the diner, just making sure he was safe and happy. Now, it sounds a little pathetic, even to me. But I had to know that I did the right thing. Thank god the streets are almost empty this time of night. I can’t help but wonder, what if I’d have been too far gone on drugs or booze to hear the phone ringing, or out with some trick? What would have happened to Justin? Would he have just withdrawn into himself so far, that no one could reach him? Would he have finally let Ethan be the one to console him. To tell him everything’s going to be alright, he was there with him.
I remember those nightmares. His mother told
me about them, but I couldn’t comprehend
the shear terror of them until I witnessed the first one for myself. His
voice, that scream, I’ll never forget it. I held him tight, and
whispered to him. “I’m here,” I said over and over.
“It’s ok, Baby, I’m here.”
Baby. That’s the first time I called
him that. I’m not even sure what part of my brain it came from.
Baby. Lover.
Sweetie. All those endearments I never
said at any other time. He wouldn’t remember them in the wake
of the terror that was enveloping him. Maybe they would give too much
of me away. It was like telling him I loved him when I was sure he
was asleep, or when he was walking out of
At least Ethan had the guts to call me. He
could have ignored Justin’s pleas, said I wasn’t home or at least
didn’t answer the phone. Perhaps he did care enough for Justin
to call his ex- what? Boyfriend?
Lover? Partner?
That’s what I called him when I got back from
As I reach the door, I hear him crying. I knock until the door is opened
and I’m face to face with Justin’s musician. He has a frightened
look on his face. I rush past him to the corner where Justin is sitting.
He’s rocking back and forth, tears streaking his face. I
sit down on the floor next to him, putting my arm around his shoulders.
Resting my forehead against the side of his head, I whisper in his
ear. “Shhh, Baby, it’s ok.
I’m right here next to you. You’re going to be ok,
Baby. I’m right here.” I take his hands and hold them.
Over and over, I repeat the words I’ve said so many times before.
He finally looks at me, realizing I’m with him. I look into
those blue eyes, wet with tears and a fist closes around my heart.
“Bri, don’t
leave me, don’t leave me. Please promise me you won’t leave
me.” I look at the dark haired man, sitting at the small kitchen
table. He knows. “I won’t, Baby. I won’t
ever leave you.” Justin’s in my arms before I finish.
“Take me home, please.” I stand, pulling him up with
me and wipe the tears from his cheek the best I can with my
thumbs.
We head for the door, but he stops halfway and
looks at Ethan. “I’m sorry, E. I never wanted to hurt
you. It’s ... I love Brian. I’ll always love him.
I’m sorry.”
Ethan nods as he tries to hold back his own tears. He won’t cry in front of me, I know that. He knew he didn’t stand a chance as soon as I walked into the room.
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