I Didn't Stand A Chance

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“You’d be the strolling violinist.” I couldn’t believe this beautiful man was offering me a part in a commercial. When he put that $100 bill in my case, he knew I would question it.  At first I thought he was trying to pick me up.  He said he was going to get a cup of coffee.  The words just hung there in the cold winter air, frozen in time. Was he that sure I would follow him into the diner?  I don’t think too many men would have even thought about not following him.  Besides his looks, he was very self-assured and he had money.  You could tell by the way he dressed.  I put my violin away, closed the case and followed him.

We sat in the diner talking and he handed me his card. “My name’s Brian.  Brian Kinney.”

Brian?  A coincidence?  But as soon as I heard the voice behind me say his name, I knew this was Justin’s Brian.  The boyfriend, Brian.  The rich boyfriend with the killer loft, Brian.  The boyfriend who loved Justin “in his own way” and whom Justin would always love, Brian.  What do I do now? The only thing I could think of was to get out as fast as I could.  Justin and I looked at each other, not saying a word, but saying so much with our eyes, and I left.  I knew Justin would show up at my place tonight.

I don’t know where I got the courage, but I looked into his blue eyes and told him he couldn’t stay, although that is what I wanted more than anything.  How many times had I asked him to stay the night?  How many times had we been together?  But he always left and went back to him.  Back to his bed in the killer loft.  Back to his arms.  I knew he was unhappy.  At first I thought he was just using me to make his boyfriend jealous.  But in the diner, I realized Justin had never told him about me.  I don’t know how he found out, but he knew now.  I sent Justin back to him, when I really wanted him to stay.  Did I know then how this would all turn out?

Babylon.  I hadn’t been there in such a long time.  I wasn’t going to go, but I couldn’t concentrate on my music, or anything else for that matter.  All I thought about was him.  I hoped I wasn’t too late.  Not for the party, but for Justin.  I saw that look on his face.  This was his party, his celebration, and he should have been smiling that Sunshine smile of his.  This was not face of happiness.  It was the face of despair, the face of sadness, the face of betrayal.  He left with me, he held my hand and we walked out.  But I saw how he looked at Brian for that short moment.  That’s who he wanted to be with, to go home with.  And I saw how Brian looked back at him. That was the look of someone in love, whose heart was breaking.  He was letting Justin go.  I’m sure he had his reasons.  I thought I had won, if not the battle, then this little skirmish, at least.  Maybe I was wrong.

Justin didn’t say a word all the way back to my little apartment.  I didn’t want to interfere with his thoughts, so I kept quiet, too.  He would talk about it when he was ready.  I unlocked the door and followed Justin into the room.  He threw his jacket on the sofa and just stood there.  I could see the tears in his eyes, then he began to shake.  I tried to put my arms around him, but he pushed me away.  He just sat on the floor, face in his hands and cried.  When he was quiet, I led him to the bed.  He slowly removed his clothes, except for his underwear, and climbed under the covers.  I turned off the light and laid down next to him, taking him into my arms again. I wanted to make love to him, but he told me no, he couldn’t, not tonight and he wanted to be left alone.  I said I understood and turned over, letting myself fall asleep only after I heard his steady breathing that let me know he was asleep.

The next morning I awoke to the winter sunlight streaming in the window.  I reached for Justin, but he wasn’t there.  He wasn’t in the bed with me, or on the sofa, or in the bathroom, or in the kitchen.  Nowhere.  There was no note.  Maybe he was at the diner.  Did he have a shift this early on a Saturday morning?  I don’t even know what time he left.

I fixed myself some tea and thought about what had happened last night.  I got this strange feeling in my stomach.  Suddenly, I couldn’t see Justin in my future.  For now, maybe, but not forever.  I was scared.

I had been practicing for 4 hours when the door opened and Justin walked in.  I put my violin down and just stood there.  “You sounded really good,” he said, as if nothing had happened.

“Thanks,” I said. “Were you at the diner?  I woke up and you were gone, again.  I wasn’t sure what happened.” He said he’d give me a copy of  his work and school schedule.  He walked over to me and gave me a long slow kiss.  I thought, “It’s going to be ok.”  We didn’t end up in bed that afternoon.  He had “things to do” he said. He went to the loft and got some of his clothes and school stuff  while Brian was at the gym with “the guys”.  We bought food so he could fix supper.  I’m a lousy cook, and ate a lot of sandwiches.  I found out Justin was fantastic in the kitchen.  “Brian says...” He stopped, realizing what he said, looking embarrassed.

That night, we made love, but it was Brian’s name he called out, not mine.  He had never done that before. Afterwards, he didn’t say anything, and neither did I.

After a few weeks, I thought we were doing alright together.  He told me he saw Brian at the Big Q.  He didn’t say it to make me jealous, just that it struck him funny that the once or so a year Brian shops there, happened to be at the same time Justin was there.  Maybe the irony wouldn’t have been lost on someone who knew him better. I just imagined Brian stalking him.

A few months later, I was awakened by a cry.  Justin was thrashing around, yelling, “No, no.”  And calling for Brian.  I tried waking him up, but that only made it worse.  He was sweating, so I tried talking to him.  All he said was “no” over and over again.  He held his arms up like he was protecting his face.  I was getting scared.  I had never seen anyone reacting to a nightmare like this.  The next thing I knew, he was out of the bed, sitting in a corner, hugging his knees.  His eyes were open, but I wasn’t sure he was awake.  He wouldn’t let me touch him or get near him.  “Where’s Brian? I need Brian.”  What else could I do but call Brian. I hoped he was home.

He answered the phone with, “What? This better be important at 3:30 in the damn  morning.”

“It’s Ethan,” I said. “ Something’s wrong with Justin.  He was having a nightmare, and I can’t wake him up.  He keeps calling for you.”   He said he’d be right here and hung up without getting my address.  He already knew where I lived.  Did Justin tell him?  All I could do was watch Justin to make sure he was ok, until Brian arrived, on his white horse, no doubt, to save the day.

Brian was here in 10 minutes.  As soon as I let him in the door he rushed over to where Justin was sitting.  He was still hugging his knees, crying, saying “no” and calling for Brian over and over again.  As soon as Brian spoke, Justin started to calm down.  Brian was sitting on the floor next to him holding his hands.  “Shhh, Baby. It’s ok. I’m right here next to you. You’re going to be ok, Baby. I’m right here.”  It was like a mantra, said over and over again in a soft silky voice, so unlike the voice he used when he answered the phone.  I watched Justin respond to the man as he lightly rubbed Justin’s back.  “Bri, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. Please, promise me you won’t leave me.” Brian looked at me.  “I won’t, Baby. I won’t ever leave you.”

With tears in my eyes for the scene unfolding in front of me, I walked to the kitchen and sat at the table.  I should have known when I saw the way they looked at each other at Babylon.  I should have known then, that no matter what happened in their lives, they loved each other  They had a connection only a few couples find. That perfect chemistry that made them each other’s forever.

I should have known then.  I didn’t stand a chance.

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