Let's Do the Humphrey Again

Humphrey ran past Brian out into the snow filled front yard. He leapt from one drift to another.

"I am your Dog. You shall worship no Dog before me... Or I will crush your world." He trounced yet another soft pile of snow.

"Dude, your dog is so fucked up." Hunter followed the dog out the door. He threw Brian a dry look over his shoulder. Both of them turned when they heard the dog bark.

"Holy shit! I think I killed one!" Humphrey was barking at a red splotch in the white snow, a buried berry from one of the trees that dotted the landscape.

"Ahem now let that serve as a lesson to the rest of you." His rear high in the air, tail wagging, Humphrey lowered his head to inspect the splotch more thoroughly.

"Yeah I know," Brian sighed as Humphrey barked at the dead berry. "I know." He whistled to get the dog's attention. Humphrey immediately straightened.

"Yeah boss?"

"Come on, mutt, let's go get your nuts rubbed on!" Hunter called. Brian smacked him on the back of the head. "Ow! What the fuck?"

"What?" Brian asked.

"Whaddya hit me for?"

"He's not a mutt." Brian said, offended. He turned and walked towards the car where Humphrey was patiently, for a dog, waiting for the door to be opened.

"I killed one," he announced with pride, his deep woof vibrating through the air.

"You're one scary fuck, did you know that?" Brian looked at the dog while he dug through his pocket to retrieve his key. He smiled, thinking about the first time he brought Humphrey to Deb's. The memory would be burned into his mind forever. How he'd ran into the house after he'd heard Debbie screaming his name.

"Brian! Brian, come get Bogart!"

"What's up Deb?" He asked but the situation was more than clear when he got inside. Humphrey had his paws in her lap and was trying to eat her wig.

"Get this fucking horse away from me! What the hell is wrong with you, letting that monster loose in my house?" Despite her words, Brian could hear the slight quiver in her voice.

"He's not that big, Deb, he's only a puppy." He pulled Humph off of her by his collar. "Sit! Good boy. Stay! Staaay Good boy!" Brian slipped him a treat that was gone before it had time to pass his lips.

"You mean he's gonna get bigger? You have to be shitting me. Brian, he'll fill your whole house." Deb gave him a slightly dazed look.

"Yeah but he'll make a good guard dog, huh Humphrey?" Brian squat beside the dog and rubbed his ears.

"Oh I'll get you; you can't stay up there forever!" Humphrey continued to eye Deb's hair as she straightened it.

"Teach him some manners, Brian. If he's going to be a part of this family he has to show some respect." She tugged on Humphrey's jowls then lifted his head in her hands to look him in the eye. "You hear me? No more hair eating. Got it? I don't have money to waste on new wigs every time you come to visit me. Why don't you ask your daddy to get you a nice chew toy you can leave here or maybe your Uncle Carl?" She took over scratching his head when Brian got up and moved back outside to grab some more dog treats; he was going to need them. Damn glad we've moved past that stage, he thought. Now a quick whistle or a small word was all that were needed.

"Oi!" Humphrey whined and pawed Brian's leg. "Could you open the door man before the other little red things come looking for me?" He nuzzled his nose into Brian's side causing his owner to grin.

"Ok, I get it. Hop in. Hunter, let's go! Humph's in a hurry." He shut the door of the jeep that he bought specifically because he'd gotten a dog. A large dog.

"Of course he's in a hurry. He wants to get his nuts rubbed on." Hunter murmured.

"I heard that."

"What part wasn't true?" Hunter laughed and ducked into the car.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting your nuts rubbed on. I happen to enjoy it," he finished as he slid into the passenger's seat.

"Anyway, it's not as if he knows where we're going," Brian stated as he put the car into gear. "He's just happy to be in the car.

Meanwhile "I'm going to get my nuts rubbed on. I'm going to get my nuts rubbed on." Humphrey sat grinning in the back seat.

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