Bleeding Emotions

Chapter 1

Soft music filled the empty room. His fingers ached as the callused digits strummed the strings of his acoustic guitar, but it was a welcomed pain. His soft voice rose up into the air and danced around him, filling the room with smooth, haunting tones. He alternated between hitting the hollow instrument with his knuckles and strumming the strings, playing faster and harder.

Brian kept his eyes closed and his head back as he sang, his fingers moving on along the beloved instrument as if they were on autopilot. The song was haunting, filled with pain and despair disguised in cryptic verse. Brian finished the song with a throaty scream and lowered the guitar, looking all too wise in his eighteen years.

He looked down at the stained floorboards, the toes of his high tops scraping the floor as he sat on the stool in the corner of the empty room. He was suddenly startled by cheers and applause. Brian looked up and saw the whole gang coming in the doorway of the abandoned house he often called home.

Michael, Lindsay, Juliana, and Graham spilled into the large open room, clapping their hands. Brian blushed and Juliana kissed his cheek, Lindsay following suit while the guys patted him on the back.

"That was gorgeous, Bri." Juliana sighed dreamily.

"As always," Lindsay added.

"Ok groupies. Back off!" Graham joked. The girls pushed him playfully.

"Bravo, man." Michael's smile was genuine.

"Fuck off," said Brian laughingly. The five friends settled down in various spots among the living room. Tomorrow would be the start of their senior year. The air buzzed with excitement. Tomorrow would be the three-year anniversary of their undying friendship.

They all met the first day of freshman year at East Allegheny High. That day, Brian showed up with a fading bruise on his left cheekbone, a small cut on his bottom lip, and perpetual scowl firmly in place. He was walking along the perfectly manicured lawns of the high school, studying the map intently, when he heard someone cry out in a combination of fear and pain. He looked up to see two boys pushing around someone much smaller than them, and Brian felt himself grow angry.

"Hey! What are you fuckers doing?" Brian yelled. The two boys looked up and their expressions quickly changed from annoyance to fear as they watched Brian approach. At fourteen, Brian stood at 5'10" and his muscles were already well defined, due to relentless hours of working out. His strength was evident even under his many layers of clothing. He stormed up to the boys and grabbed them by the collars. "Leave him the fuck alone. Don't make me tell you again. Got it?"

The boys nodded and ripped themselves from Brian's grasp. They grabbed their book bags and scurried off in the opposite direction.

"That was fucking awesome!" Brian turned and really looked at the kid he had just saved for the first time. He was short, with black hair and big brown eyes. He wore a baggy dark blue tee shirt and a pair of old jeans. He grinned up at him like he was a hero, and it made Brian feel good. "Michael Novotny."

"Brian Kinney." He extended his hand and Michael happily shook it. Brian had perfect manners when no one was pissing him off. "My pleasure."

"The pleasure is all mine, I'm sure. Thanks, for, you know."

"No problem. Those guys were wankers."

"Your accent is totally awesome by the way." Brian laughed, a slight blush coming to his cheeks.

"Thanks. My family moved here from Ireland over the summer. I grew up learning English but I picked up the accent. I've been trying to drop it," Brian replied.

"Don't drop it. It's so cool," Michael exclaimed. Brian laughed at his enthusiasm.

"What's your schedule?" Michael reached into the pocket of his jeans and they swapped, scanning each other's lists for matches.

"You're in almost all my classes," Michael pointed out. "We have Algebra, English I, Gym, and Science together. So you're a freshman too, I take it." Brian nodded the affirmative. He looped his arm around the shoulders of his new friend and they trooped off to their respective homerooms.

Brian stepped into the classroom, suddenly feeling self-conscious in the absence of his new friend. He scanned the room, and his eyes landed on a blonde sitting alone in the back row. She was glancing around nervously, her blonde hair falling onto the shoulders of her pink sweater. Brian squared himself and dropped into the seat next to her.

Lindsay looked over at her new seating companion, studying him closely. He wore a tight white v-neck tee under an unzipped red hooded sweatshirt. Over the sweatshirt he wore an unbuttoned black blazer. The hood of the sweatshirt hung over the collar of the blazer and the sleeves stuck out, hugging his large hands. He wore slightly baggy jeans and black high tops. There was a silver key hanging from his neck by a black leather cord. His chestnut hair was shaggy and hung elegantly in his eyes and around his ears, barely touching his hood in the back. The sweatshirt brought out the natural auburn highlights in his hair. He turned to greet her, his full raspberry lips curving up into a beautiful smile. Intense hazel eyes greeted her brown ones, flecks of gold and green swimming in the expressive pools. Even with the bruise marring his golden skin, he was gorgeous. Lindsay's fingers twitched with the desire to sketch him.

"I'm Brian," he told her, holding out his hand. She took it and he leaned over and kissed the back of it, another display of perfect manners. Lindsay blushed crimson and giggled. 'Ah, that Irish charm,' Brian thought. 'Too bad I'm not into pussy.'

"I'm Lindsay. Nice to meet you." They exchanged pleasantries and she gushed over his accent and heritage. They swapped schedules and discovered that they had Algebra and English with Michael. After roll had been taken, she leaned over, pulling a sketchbook from her bag. "Can I sketch you?"

"Um," Brian was taken aback by her request. He felt a blush rising to his cheeks. "I guess so."

"Great. Just go back to reading your papers like you were." The rest of the period went by like that. Brian felt surprisingly at ease, lulled to calmness by the soothing sound of charcoal on paper. When the bell rang, Lindsay slammed her sketchbook shut before Brian had a chance to see her rendition of him.

"Hey." He protested. "Let me see."

"It's not finished. So you can't yet."

"Oh, fine." He crossed his arms and pretended to pout.

"Aw," Lindsay giggled. "Your accent is just so hot. I can't get over it." Brian blushed again, wondering how many more people would comment on it.

They met Michael outside their algebra class. Brian introduced the two, and they seemed to hit it off immediately. The trio took seats in the back row, next to a guy with hair in long black spikes who had his arms crossed, looking terribly bored. Next to him sat a girl with reddish brown hair, the color of a new copper penny. She had her nose buried in a book that had nothing to do with school.

Brian began to tell Michael about Lindsay's mystery sketch when he felt someone tap on his shoulder. He turned to see the guy with the spiky hair looking at him with curious green eyes, the bored expression gone from his face.

"Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice your accent," the guy said smoothly. Brian smirked and wondered whether or not the guy was trying to hit on him and was just really bad at it. He was hot, but his gaydar just wasn't pinging.

"You've got quite an accent yourself," Brian said with a raised eyebrow. The guy laughed and extended his hand.

"I'm Graham."

"Brian," he said, shaking his hand. "And this is Michael and Lindsay." They all waved at each other. Graham elbowed the girl next to him, and she folded down the page of her book to mark it before closing it and looking up.

"Miss antisocial over here is Juliana," Graham explained. "This is Brian, Michael, and Lindsay."

"I'm sorry," Juliana started. "This book is just really interesting and I can't put it down. Except for in homeroom when I met this guy." She motioned to Graham and he pushed her playfully. They looked really close for two people that just met.

"It's quite alright, lass." Brian winced. "Fuck, I just said lass. I need to get the Irish out of me." Michael laughed loudly.

"Oh my god! You're accent is so cool!" Juliana exclaimed. "And when you said 'fuck' it sounds like 'fook'. How awesome." They all laughed hysterically and Brian blushed yet again.

"I know right," Graham said excitedly. "I'm glad I'm not the only European bloke in this school. I've accepted my fate as 'that British guy'." Graham's accent was a thick one. It made them all smile and made Brian not worry so much about his own.

The teacher gave them the period to get to know one another, and the five of them spent the period doing just that. Brian and Graham were infinitely glad they met each other. Graham had also just moved to the country, so they were happy to have someone that understood what it was like to adjust. Lindsay and Juliana discovered they shared a passion for art, and Michael discovered Captain Astro was a big hit in London.

Brian fingered the key hanging from his neck, not so ready to reveal his passion.

The first month of school passed like a dream. The five friends became inseparable. Brian loved it. With four best friends, he rarely slept at home. Michael's mom, Debbie, pretty much adopted him the first time he went to his house. He had a fresh shiner from a run in with his dad, and Debbie claimed his accent was the "fucking cutest thing ever".

One day, Brian was sitting at home, waiting for the gang to arrive. He absently fingered the key around his neck, wondering if he should reveal his secret. He lay back on his bed and hummed, his foot tapping on the floor. He heard a pebble hit his window; the sign the gang was all here. They knew better then to knock on the door.

Brian slipped on his blazer over his black tee and made his way down the stairs. He snuck out the back door and walked around the house to meet his friends. The sun was about to set. They needed to hurry if they were going to make it before dusk.

"Hey guys," Brian said apprehensively. "I want to show you something." Brian motioned for them to follow and he started down a path leading into the woods. Brian's parents owned a lot of property on the outskirts of town. It stretched for acres.

Brian walked along the path as his eyes studied the ground, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. The rest of the group created a trail behind him. Michael was directly on his heels, already having a good idea where he was headed. Lindsay and Juliana followed him, arm in arm, their artistic eyes trained on the beautiful nature scenes surrounding them. Graham brought up the back, looking skeptic.

"Hey mate," Graham said nervously. "When you invited us over I didn't know we were going to go on a nature hike. I'm not really one of those outdoorsy blokes, you know? This seems a bit dodgy."

"Oh, you'll be fine. It's not much farther. Now shut your gob." Brian replied. The other three looked at each other, smiling at their slang.

"Where exactly are we going, Bri?" Lindsay asked.

"You'll see." They kept walking, and the trees kept getting thicker. The sun was setting, casting eerie shadows across the trail. The air was cool and thick, scented with pine and wet dirt. Gnarled old trees stood tall all around them, guarding whatever secrets the dark woods may hold.

Brian led them out of the trees and they saw a small house against a fence. It appeared to be two stories and was painted a light gray. No decoration adorned the house except for the large frosted glass windows. The walls were dirty, and the paint was peeling away from the swelling wood. Ivy and moss crept up from the ground, claiming the rickety old house as its own. A wooden porch stretched out along the front of the house, sagging heavily under decades of time and invisible weight. The door was painted a dark mahogany color, an eerie invitation into the belly of the old, yet enchanting dwelling.

A tall apple tree grew beside it, engulfing the house in shadows. Dead, rotting apples littered the ground and the roof, decomposing corpses of something once beautiful. Behind the house laid an expanse of rolling green hills. Brian walked up to the doorway of the house and turned to face his friends, spreading his arms wide to present his treasure.

"My parents don't even have a clue this is here. So it's all mine," Brian smiled and leaned down towards the door, using the key from his neck to unlock it.

"You wanker!" Graham exclaimed, pushing his way inside. "You have your own flat and didn't tell us?"

"Not exactly. There's no electricity or heat. I kind of just stay down here when I'm on the gur. When my Da gets too much to handle," Brian responded.

"On the gur?" Michael asked.

"When I need to get away from home."

"We're never gonna get all this slang down," Juliana laughed.

"We'll write you a dictionary," Graham joked. "This is brilliant." The group walked around the small space. It was basically just one big room with an adjoining bathroom.

"The plumbing works though, so I don't have to go back up to the house to use the jacks," Brian grinned. Michael, Lindsay, and Juliana nodded, and once Brian turned his back to them Graham smiled and mouthed the word 'bathroom'. They all rolled their eyes and continued exploring the small space.

The house was damp on the inside, and the wood was swelled, as if the house had been breathing and living for years. It smelled of dust and mildew. It was a thick, heavy smell that hung in their nostrils. The walls were painted the same dull gray as the outside, darkened in the corners by water and dirt. The hardwood floors were stained and littered with dead leaves and pebbles. It was old, dirty, and barely standing, but to Brian, it was beautiful. It was an escape, a safe haven. It was home.

"It needs some work," Brian stated. "But it'll be grand once I'm done."

Once it got dark, Brian took a few battery-operated lanterns from the closet and set them around the room. The light cast an eerie glow around the cozy space. They all sat in a small circle, talking about anything and everything until the sun set and the moon was high in the sky.

"This is a great place, Brian," Michael told him.

"Thanks. So, you guys are my best mates, right?" Brian asked. They all nodded. "Good, because I want this place to be ours. You know how to get here now." Brian stood up and retrieved four keys from the pocket of his jeans. He passed them to his friends and sat back down in the circle.

"Wow, Brian." Michael looked down at the key in his hands. "Thanks."

"Yeah, this is aces," Graham said. Juliana and Lindsay took off their necklaces and put the keys on them, thanking Brian profusely.

An hour later, the gang was still sitting in their close circle, giggling madly. The light from the lanterns traced patterns on their flushed skin. Rings of smoke danced in the air above them as they shared a joint, provided by Brian. He watched his friends all smoke for the first time, their eyes glazing over and giggles flowing from their mouths. His lips turned upwards into an amused smirk, his tongue finding the inside of his cheek.

"Jules, pass the spliff," Graham said, holding out his hand expectantly. Juliana took one more hit from the joint and handed it over. Graham inhaled deeply and Michael burst out laughing again. Brian and Graham had spent the last half an hour teaching their friends various slang terms.

"So, testicles are goolies, and breasts are diddies?" Michael asked. Brian nodded, a grin spreading across his face. "Where'd you get this pot?"

"Remember that day I was on the hop from school?" He nodded. "I went down to the city that day and I bought it from this guy on the street. It cost me a wee bit of cash but it was worth it." They all agreed and the room fell eerily silent.

"Hey Brian?" Lindsay asked seriously.

"Yes?"

"I'll show you my diddies if you show me your goolies."

The five of them burst out into fits of hysterical laughter. Juliana lay down and rested her head on Graham's thigh and Brian draped one arm over Michael's shoulders.

"This is so much fun. You guys talk so different," Juliana stated.

"Yeah," Graham replied. "Remember how I got all buggered out when Brian told us he was a fag and you guys thought I was homophobic?"

"Yeah and you were just confused as all hell because you didn't know why the fuck Brian was calling himself a cigarette!" Michael cried out and their eyes watered from laughing so hard. Brian had gotten some good pot.

"Well, I'm bored," Graham announced after the joint had been smoked. He got up and started poking around the house, studying every nook. He got to the closet and opened the door. Brian wasn't watching him, due to a discussion he was having with Michael about soccer.

"Blimey! Look what I've found here!" Graham returned to the center of the room with an acoustic guitar in his hands. Brian spotted it and his expression turned into one of pure horror. The guitar was all black, and the light flickered off its smooth surface. The strings gleamed, their silver a stark contrast against the black.

"I assume this is yours, mate. You never told us you could play."

"I can't," Brian choked out, looking incredibly nervous. "Well, I mean I can. But no one knows."

"Play us something, Brian," Juliana asked. Brian promptly shook his head. Graham placed the guitar in Brian's lap and nodded. All four of them had their eyes locked on Brian, waiting for him to strike a chord.

"No, I can't play in front of anyone," he told them, sweat forming on his brow despite the chilled air.

"Don't be daft," Graham chided. "I'm sure you're great."

Brian shook his head furiously again. His hands acted of their own accord and pulled the guitar into the proper position on his lap. His long, elegant fingers danced along the strings, as if he itched to strum them. Lindsay bit her bottom lip and rifled through her bag. She pulled out her sketchbook, opened it to a certain page and set it on the ground in front of Brian.

He looked down and saw the sketch of himself from the first day of school. She had amazing talent. He was mystified at how good he looked in all the strokes and smudges of charcoal. He looked up at Lindsay, who was chewing her fingernail nervously.

"I don't like to show people my work, either." She smiled at him softly, and he knew just how hard it was for her to show him that. He sighed deeply and hoisted the guitar up on his lap.

"That's bleeding brilliant, Linds," Brian said softly. "Don't ever doubt yourself again." She smiled and took her place back in the circle. His friends all smiled up at him and he willed his nervousness to the pit of his stomach. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and pulled a pick out of the pocket of his blazer. He couldn't believe he was about to play for an audience.

He licked his lips and cleared his throat, anything to delay the inevitable. He looked up into the smiling faces of his friends and took a deep breath. He placed his fingers in all the right spots and began to play.

He closed his eyes as he sung, his fingers moving gracefully along the instrument. His voice carried up into the rafters of the house, strong and haunting.

I've been where the river ran

I'm drownin' in a sunless sea

Sleep has helped me find my end

You promised me you'd set me free

Don't fall asleep to dream

A banshee's at my window pane

There's an angel at my feet

Don't fall asleep to dream

I'm awake now

You can't touch me, I won't sleep no more

I'm awake now

Their mouths dropped as they listened to their talented friend. His voice struck a chord in all of them, soaring through their veins and settling in a cloud around their heart. Brian looked beautiful as he sang, his full lips formed the words in his head, his eyes stayed closed and his forehead creased, lost in thought.

In the corner of my mind

Where he sits and waits for me

There's a wall of confusion building

And the sky begins to bleed on me

Don't fall asleep to dream

I'm looking for a way out now

Peace of mind is all I need

Don't fall asleep to dream

I'm awake now

You can't touch me, I won't sleep no more

I'm awake now

Brian finished the melodic verse and bit his lip, pausing before opening his eyes. He forced away all his feelings of uneasiness and took a deep breath. His lids fluttered open to reveal four amazed teenagers, jaws agape in surprise and astonishment. He could have sworn Lindsay and Juliana's eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. It was Lindsay that finally broke the silence.

"That," she started, her voice quaking. "That was completely beautiful." Brian smiled and breathed in his relief. There was no mistaking the smile on his face for one of pure joy.

"So amazing," Juliana breathed. Michael and Graham nodded their agreement before offering compliments of their own. Brian set down his guitar and gulped a few times before finding his voice.

"Thanks, mates. Just, don't tell anyone. My parents wouldn't approve, and I just don't want anyone to know." They all nodded and Brian felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He settled back into a comfortable lull of conversation with his best friends.

The next three years flashed before their eyes. To Brian, it was like heaven and hell. His friends were his lifelines, the things that kept him going. He still had to face his father, the person that would punch him for no other reason then that he had a bad day. Michael, Lindsay, Juliana, and Graham all had their share of late night visits from a bloody Brian. They all wiped his tears and cleaned his wounds, and they all developed a strong hate for the man Brian called Da.

Tomorrow they would start their senior year. It would be a milestone in their lives together. One more year, and everything would change.

Brian, Michael, and Graham were all eighteen, the girls one year younger. They sat around the old house, a safe haven for all of them over the years. They had fixed it up beautifully, and kept it a secret.

"So, nervous? About school, I mean," Graham asked, flexing his fingers around a throw pillow from the second hand sofa that sat under the large glass window of the house.

"Not really," Brian replied as he placed his guitar into its leather case. The girls nodded towards Michael and he cleared his throat nervously as he stood up and crossed the room to stand at Brian's side. He pulled a bright blue piece of paper from the pocket of his jeans and unfolded it slowly. Brian turned and caught sight of the flyer, noticing the bold font printed on it.

"Bloody hell," Brian cried, knowing full well what his friends were up to.

"Transitions is having an open mic night," Michael said nonchalantly.

"And?" Brian asked, trying to stay calm.

"You should play!" Lindsay cried out excitedly.

"No fucking way."

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The song is "I'm Awake Now" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

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