Truth Be Told

Part Thirteen

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Justin rested his head on Brian's shoulder as they sat on a bench in  the hospital's garden.

"I think we should finish our conversation," Brian said.

"Okay, but we don't have to; I know everything I need to know."

"I wasn't kidding about wanting to be monogamous, I really want to do that for you, for us," Brian continued.

"I won't ask that of you, and I don't want you rushing into that decision."

"I thought that is what you wanted, a committed relationship."

"I think we are getting to the root of our problem right here. My idea of a committed and loving relationship is different from yours but more significantly, it's different from what YOU think mine is."

"What?" Brian said incredulously.

"You think I want to have a relationship like Mel and Lindsay or a couple of married straight people. That scares you because your experience with married straight people is very painful."

"But…"

"No, let me try to explain this to you. I want us to be together. I want you to try and be more considerate of my feelings as I will for you. We NEED to talk more; I want to get to know you better. I think I have a better understanding of who you really are than anyone but to really understand, I want to know about your life before me, not all at once. I want you to trust me enough to tell me."

"After tonight's scene between you and your father I am starting to realize that I don't know you as well as I thought I did either," offered Brian.

"Exactly, I want you to be able to tell me when I am bothering you. You have lived alone for a long time, you need your space. I can understand that. We don't have to spend every minute together. Just tell me and I'll back off. I want to be able to tell you when something you do has hurt my feelings, and not be ridiculed for it."

"Does this mean you will move back in with me?" Brian asked hopefully.

"Not right away, I have to be there for Molly, I hope you understand."

"Of course, Justin, I want to be able to help, too."

"I know but this is one of the reasons I want you to really think about the no tricking thing. I am going to be a little preoccupied for a while. This will be enough of a strain on us as we try to work things out. I think it's the perfect opportunity for us to start over without the pressure of living together."

"What about Ethan?" Brian asked, warily. "I know that you have feelings for him, are you still going to see him?"

"Ethan and I are over, I love you, and I never loved him. I wanted the love, consideration and respect that he offered but not him. I being wasn't fair. I needed things to be easy and pleasant so I took advantage of him. I am not proud of that. I will need to talk to him and hopefully resolve some of this.'

"I know that you were attracted to his romantic side, but Justin I respect you more than anyone. How did you loose sight of that? I know that I wasn't very open with my emotions but…but I thought you knew that at least."

"Brian, do we really want to get into all of this now? I mean you must be ready to explode. Have you ever talked this much about your feelings and things before? I don't want your head to explode or anything."

Brian laughed, "no one is more surprised than me, but I feel better than I ever have. The weight that I thought was permanently attached  to my heart is gone. I feel free and light. I bet I could fly."

Justin chuckled. Brian smiled, really smiled.

"I also feel scared and vulnerable, but I guess I always felt that way. It was just so hidden that I didn't realize it. I used to be scared because I was always on the verge of being sad, lonely, and angry. Now, I am scared because I am on the verge of being happy."

Justin smiled and kissed him but Brian pulled away. "Why don't you think I respect you?"

Justin sighed, "I don't see how getting into all of this is going to help."

"We have to put the past behind us, or we'll be carrying it around forever. I want a clean slate. My feelings are out in the open now. I want the past over with or as much as it can be."

"Okay, before the prom I believed at the very least that you respected me. You never treated me like a kid and we talked about things, you and Michael, moving to New York, movies, politics, and lots of other things."

"I think I lost my ability to read you after the bashing, I was so messed up myself that I couldn't focus on you, but you helped me get healthier and things were good. I don't know where things changed for you, but for me it was when you pissed on Rage. I said I forgave you and I really did but it ate away at me. I couldn't forget. I know you were drunk and angry…"

"And jealous," admitted Brian.

"It affected me more than I let on, for the first time I really felt disrespected. If you had torn them up or whatever I could have let it go as anger but pissing was just disrespectful. You, more than anyone knew how hard I worked to get to the point where I could draw and after drawing as many as I did in those few days. My hand was killing me, I was in agony. I hurt. I really hurt but I was feeling a thrill, a natural high at what I had accomplished, created and to wake up to find that you had destroyed them, no defaced or defiled them. I can't tell you how hurt I was. Michael kept going on about `that's the real Brian.' Michael doesn't really know you, does he? Well, it probably hurt more than when you…" Justin stopped. "I don't want this to turn into a `blame Brian' thing because I made just as many mistakes, if not more."

"We'll get to you in a minute, finish what you were going to say. Hurt more than what?"

"Not visiting me when I was here."

"Justin, I couldn't face you. I felt so responsible. I didn't leave for the first three days; I didn't even want to change my clothes. At least covered in your blood, I was close to a part of you until they convinced me that looking at me was more upsetting for your mother and Molly. When you finally stabilized I went home to take a shower. I collapsed in the shower and cried for a long time. I couldn't face your mother or anyone else. I was so scared you would blame me, after I had opened myself up and showed you that I loved you. Then you almost died right in front of me, right in my arms. I didn't protect you. Damn it, I didn't protect you!"

"I know Brian. I understand I really do, but at the time, it hurt very much. I was so scared and so alone. There were all these people who hovered around me, driving me crazy and all I wanted was to see you. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. The pain was awful." Justin's hand trembled at the memory.

"I know I watched from outside your door every night."

"What?"

"I was there outside your door every night. I couldn't face you, but I had to be sure that you were okay. I would go out with the guys and keep up the appearance of selfish prick. Then I would come and sit in the hall at about 12 or 1 and stay until six."

"And no one knew?"

"Your mother knew."

"What? And…and…Why wasn't anyone there for you, I know this affected you as much as it did me, just in a different way. Your so-called friends failed you, Brian."

"No, I never would have let them see me fall apart. Which I did whenever I thought about you for too long which was too often to count, even at work. You could ask Cynthia. So I refused to let them talk about you in front of me. Their opinion of me is well deserved in some respects."

"What else caused you to lose sight of us?"

"My birthday, I had resigned myself to your no birthday rule and was okay with it."

"Justin, be honest."

"Well, a little disappointed but that's all until you gave me the hustler. I kept thinking that you had to know that was the last thing I'd want. Again I felt like you didn't care."

"Lindsay said something to me when she and Mel came to pick you up. She thought I should do something for you and said that this year your birthday was an accomplishment. That you were alive was a huge accomplishment. I was stunned, I hadn't thought of it that way. I got dressed and went to find you something. I wasn't sure what to get you but I ran into the guys while I was out and they figured out what I was doing and I couldn't let them know how much I cared so that is how you ended up with the hustler. Why do I give a fuck what they think?"

"Because they were all you had before me. Then you cancelled the trip to Vermont without explaining it to me."

"I told you it was business."

"If you had explained things to me as well as you did Michael, I never would have been upset but without the explanation I thought you were blowing me off."

"I can see that now, but at the time, I thought you would know that it had to be important for me to cancel."

"This is where the poor communication led to misunderstandings.  Where did things change for you, it had to be before Ethan, right?"

"I was a little upset when you kissed that guy from Daphne's party, we had just started the rules and you already broke one."

"I know I didn't kiss him the whole time but he was a virgin and a little hurt that I was treating him so coldly. I couldn't help but think about how I would have felt if you had been like that."

"I can understand that and I guess I figured that out and then things were good for awhile. The kid they found in the dumpster reminded me of you and the prom and almost losing you so I started to pull away a bit because I was scared of losing you."

"I don't know how to help with that when you never let me know what you are feeling."

"I have to talk more but sometimes you just don't listen to me."

"Like when?"

"The whole tuition thing and working at Babylon. One of the only ways I was able to show people how I felt about them before tonight was to take care of them. You wouldn't let me do that and it almost killed me. I know you felt that we would never be equals if you took the money but I really NEEDED to help you and when you wouldn't let me I was lost. I grasped at straws trying to figure out a way to stop you. I guess I value myself by how well I help others and by sex. I felt I was nothing without that validation. I know that something happened at that party. It has almost driven me crazy trying to figure it out. I always thought that you told me everything but not that. My mind has gone to every kind of scenario; you have no idea what I have imagined. I need you to tell me what happened."

"It's probably not far from your imagination but I got out before anything happened to me."

"Tell me."

"I got to the house and it was just getting started but there was another dancer that was very high and some older guys were sort of taking advantage of him. I should have left right then, but I figured as long as I didn't do any hard drugs I would keep my wits about me. Sap came over and gave me a joint and told me to take my shirt off. I said no, but he said I was there as decoration. Again, I should have left but I stayed. Things started to get out of control they had that other guy in a sling and he was being fucked repeatedly. Or I guess you could call it rape. No one was bothering me and I was so thirsty I had a drink but I guess someone put something in it because I started to feel weird."

Brian takes a deep breath as he listens.

"I just wanted to go home; I wanted you to help me. I was going when Sap and some of his friends came up and started to touch me. Before I knew it they were dragging me over to a sling. I was so out of it I could barely stand up. Sap got down in front of me and was going to take my pants off so I kneed him in the mouth. He lost a tooth. The other guys who were holding me let go and I got away. I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was so sick and I left my shirt at his house so I only had my jacket and I was too drugged to get it to zipper. I was so cold by the time I got back to the loft. I threw up for over an hour and then got in the shower. I passed out on the bed. I woke up and you still weren't home so I got cleaned up and decided not to tell you, I was so embarrassed."

Brian pulled Justin into his arms and held him tightly, "thank God, they didn't hurt you. Justin, we have to compromise about money stuff, among other things. I have it right now and you don't. I like to make sure that you have what you need. I'm not trying to be domineering when I do it. It makes me feel good to help. I want to do it. I NEED to."

"Where were you that night?"

"I was so scared about the party and that I wouldn't be there for you that I went to Woody's and got drunk with Ted, that's how desperate I was. Mikey had to drive us home. Ted, Michael, and I spent the night in jail because of Mikey's childishness. He told a cop off because he was pissed that Deb went on a date with Carl."

Justin just shook his head. "We never talked about what happened after you came home, either," Justin said.

"It just never seemed like the right time. I wanted you to understand that I wasn't giving you the money as a way to control you. I also knew that something had to have happened at the party to change your mind so drastically. I wanted to erase whatever it was and replace it with a wonderful memory. As you know, sex is my answer for everything. I wanted it to be special and different. You needed to take charge and I was more than willing to let you. Besides, I was so tired. I wasn't up to doing much else."

"Brian."

"Okay, I had watched you top a lot of guys and I would dream about it. But I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted. I was scared of changing how you saw me and how I felt about myself and us. I wanted to trust you completely. I needed to feel you. I knew it would be unbelievably fantastic."

"And?"

"It was even better than I dreamed."

Justin smiled and Brian kissed him.

"I guess it freaked me out that I had been so open and vulnerable to you because I pulled away a bit. Then you and Michael were so wrapped up in Rage. I felt left out and threatened."

"We never meant to make you feel that way, it is a compliment really. Rage is how we see you, our hero."

"I have never been more ashamed of anything than pissing on your work. I knew almost immediately that I had crossed a line that I didn't mean to. I waited at the diner for you guys. I was so sick to my stomach over what I had done that I couldn't even drink my coffee. I was scared that I had finally pushed you too far. But I wouldn't have blamed you. I swear, Justin, I will spend the rest of my life making up for that. I will earn your respect back because I'm sure you couldn't respect me after something so heinous."

"I think we both have some things to prove to each other and ourselves," Justin offered quietly.

"I felt bad about having to cancel the trip but I was just so stunned about how Gardner was making me prove myself. ME! I felt like I had failed again, how did I miss the fact that Marty was about to sell the firm. I should have known that. Then I get to work and everyone was fired, they were literally walking out with boxes full of their stuff. I wasn't that scared about the meeting I thought I had enough clout with the clients to ensure my place within the company. Vance told me that he had contacted my clients and they were willing to remain even if I didn't.  I was panicked. I had to prove my worth in a week or I would have been without a job.  I couldn't be unemployed, I have too many responsibilities. The loft, the jeep, Gus, the munchers…

"Me?"

"Yes, what about your tuition. I also knew that if I had to look for another job I would undoubtedly end up in New York. I would be forced to take that next step and then what about us? How ironic that what it took to save my job and thus ensure that we could stay together was a determining factor in our breaking up."

"It all comes down to communication."

"When I got back I was so happy that everything had worked out. I wanted to celebrate with you, I brought home champagne and said `your partner, just made partner" or something like that. I was hoping you would forgive me and we could leave the next day."

Justin's jaw dropped, "you said that?"

"Yelled it as I walked through the door, actually. I was so disappointed that you weren't home. I changed and went to find you. I ran into the guys and just felt deflated when they told me you went without me. I didn't even tell Mikey my good news. You were the only one I wanted to share it with. I thought about going to Vermont and surprising you, but I was hurt and the more I dwelled on it, the harder it was for me to go. I was hurt. My partner had deserted me. I pulled away again. I wasn't gonna be hurt again. The problem was I already was. I guess we were both hurting and not talking. I wouldn't call you. My pride and all that and you didn't call me. We were both being stubborn jackasses, if you ask me. I even made sure you would catch me with a trick when you came home. Rub it in your face and all that. Childish. Yes!"

"God! Brian, I'm so sorry. I had an awful time while I was there. I couldn't stop thinking about you, even though I was so pissed." Justin stopped as something obviously came to mind.

"What are you thinking?" Brain asked.

"If I had stayed and been there to hear you say that, I never would have left. We would have been together for the last six weeks. We could have been where we belonged."

"I can't believe that I am saying this, but we have to work on our communication," Brian sighed.

Justin laughed. "I know that everyone in your life has let you down. I have to be a little more understanding, but Brian this is my first relationship, too. It's not just you who is scared and uncertain about how to make it work."

"Yes, but you at least had a role model for love."

"Mom," sighed Justin, a look of fear crept into his eyes.

Brian pulled Justin into his arms and held him tight. "Everything is going to be okay." I hope I'm right, he thought.


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