Truth Be Told

Part Ten

Thank you Starema, so much. I would still be lost in the middle of this part if not for your help, suggestions and solutions. Beta isn’t an accurate title for you this time, co-author is more like it. LOL!!

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“Uh, I…uh was just trying to help,” answered Michael.

 

“Right,” snapped Brian.

 

“I knew he wanted things that you didn’t. You weren’t going to give him what he wanted. He had to accept you for who you are or leave.”

 

Justin straightened from the water fountain about twenty feet down the hall from the waiting room. He heard Brian and Michael talking with raised voices and headed toward them.

 

“So, you made sure he left.  You HAD no idea what I fucking wanted and you should have kept your mouth shut. Did I ask you to fight my battles?”

 

Justin stopped and ducked into an alcove in the hallway that led to a supply closet. He wanted to hear what Brian had to say.

 

“You had a right to know, Brian, he was taking advantage of you,” said Michael.

 

“Do you really think I didn’t know? How goddamn stupid are you?”

 

“How did you know? You never mentioned anything to me.”

 

“I can’t believe you haven’t noticed. I don’t discuss Justin with you for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I can’t trust your opinions where he is concerned. You are like a little child tattletaling to the teacher.”

 

Michael’s head shot up. “Can’t trust me? What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“Mikey, you constantly put him down; you are condescending to him in person and even more so behind his back. It pisses me off, so I don’t talk to you about him.”

 

“I don’t know what you mean?”

 

“Bullshit! From the very first night you have tried to get him away from me.  You hated the amount of time we spent together. Even after the…” Brian paused as the painful memories returned, pushing them out of the way, he continued. “Even after the prom, when he was barely holding it together. When I was barely holding it together, you still whined and complained, you felt left out, that things had changed. Why couldn’t they be like they used to? Well, you knew why they changed. You were no longer the center of my universe. Justin was my center, my anchor and you hated that. You wanted us to remain as we were when we were fourteen. Grow up.”

 

“You never stopped to think about what he was going through. He was eighteen and he almost died,” Brian said.

 

“I know neither he nor I talked about it, but there were some serious on-going health problems after he woke up.”

 

Craig, who had recently returned to the room, listened more carefully.

 

“Everyone else was able to figure out that he was struggling and that of course, he needed time to heal.  They would call before stopping by to ensure he was up to it. They called just to check on him or to offer their support and see if they could help. But all I ever heard from you was how you needed me because of your break up with the Doc.”

 

“Let’s consider the options here. One person who was trying to recover from a vicious violent attack that left him with numerous physical injuries and panic attacks that often were so intense they triggered his asthma or a man who suffered a break up with an overly controlling man who loved the idea of you more than he loved you. Now let me think, who should I have been preoccupied with?”

 

“Brian, you don’t understand, he was trying to pull us apart,” Michael stated.

 

Brian chuckled sardonically at the irony of the situation. “That is probably the most ironic part of this conversation. Not only was he not trying to pull us apart, he went out of his way several times to make sure that things between us would be alright.  I never would have gone to you after your birthday party. I had done what I needed to do and it was done. There was no turning back as far as I was concerned. I had set you free. He realized what I did that night instantly, and he never fell for it. He went to you with that comic book to fix it, and it worked. Did you realize that he wasn’t a threat to our friendship? No! Did you realize that he was being much more reasonable and grown up and that he could actually help me be a better friend. No, you didn’t. You decided he was a threat and the only time you have been nice to him has been when you were benefiting from it by …by having your dream of creating your own comic book come true.”  Brian takes a deep breath trying to calm down. He was getting so angry with Mikey. The angrier he got, the lower went his voice, but all he wanted to do was scream or better yet, knock some sense into his thick skull.

 

“Why would I be threatened by him?” asked Michael sternly.

 

Brian shrugged, “that is a conversation that we have successfully avoided for 17 years. I don’t think either of us is ready for it here tonight.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“It doesn’t matter. Forget it. Just lay off Justin.”

 

“I haven’t done anything. She started it,” whined Michael, pointing to Daphne. Again, Mikey, you are putting responsibility on someone else. When are you going to grow up, Brian thought to himself.

 

Daphne shook her head in disbelief. “How do you put up with this?” She asked Brian.

 

“I have no choice.”

 

“Everyone has choices, Brian.”

 

“They are my family. It might not be perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than my real family.”

 

Daphne smiled, “well, it’s certainly an interesting group. If they all didn’t tag team on you, I’d be jealous.”

 

“It’s not everyone,” sighed Brian looking to Vic, Ted and Emmett.

 

“Brian, it’s not fair for them to blame everything on you,” Daphne countered.

 

“I’m used to it. I can handle it.”

 

“We don’t blame things on Brian, unless they are his fault,” said Deb.

 

Brian chuckled sarcastically to himself, turning away from the only mother he ever really had.

 

Justin shook his head sadly, as he listened.

 

“What?” Deb asked.

 

“Let it go, Deb.”

 

“I want to know what’s so fucking funny?  Everything is a joke to you.”

 

“Maybe if he didn’t laugh, he’d be crying,” offered Daphne.

 

“Now you’re projecting, he doesn’t have the same feelings as the rest of us,” corrected Mel.

 

Brian turned to Daphne, “you see, I’m not allowed to have feelings like everyone else.”

 

“Why not?” She asked sympathetically.

 

“I don’t know. Probably, because I had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself when I was growing up and it became a habit. Everyone got used to it and it frightens them when I act human in their eyes and…and.”

 

“Eventually you feared rejection if you didn’t,” finished Daphne.

 

“They just don’t expect it from me, that’s all.” A look of sadness crosses his face until he gets control again.

 

“So you just take all their shit and fix all their problems, even when they’re not your fault.”

 

“Yeah, that’s kind of my role around here. I leave everyone alone until somebody blames me for something then I fix it, no questions asked.”

 

“What have we blamed on you?” Asked Deb.

 

“I tried to spare you, Deb but since you must know. You blamed me when Michael didn’t want to move in with David. It had nothing to do with me. Wasn’t it possible that David was a manipulative, self-centered ass? Or that Michael wasn’t sure enough of himself to know what he wanted. Or that David had caused his self-esteem to drop because of his pretentious bullshit. No, David was a successful doctor and a ‘good catch’, so whatever problems there were had to be my fault. I didn’t trust David from the start so I tested him to make sure he was good enough for my best friend. He failed them all but one. However, if I tried to talk about any of this, everyone assumed that I was just trying to break them up.”

 

“So you decided that I had to let Mikey go. You came into my home and criticized the most important relationship I thought I had at the time. You told me I was hurting him. When I did what you asked, you still criticized me until you figured it out. Then you came back to my home to add salt to my wounds.”

 

“Ma, were you the reason Brian did what he did?”

 

“Like he never told you?” Deb snapped

 

“No, Brian never told me,” Michael whined.

 

“Another example of how Brian never defends himself.”

 

“I guess no one noticed I was all for Michael and Ben getting together. You were too busy being close-minded to notice, I guess. Too busy, making his decisions for him, making him feel bad about his choice, making him second guess himself.”

 

“I…”

“Don’t even try, Deb. I had no problem with Ben because he’s a good person who treats Michael with respect. If I’d wanted to, I could have broken them up fast. All I would have had to do was reveal we fucked at the White Party early on, before Michael got too involved.”

 

“Okay. I’ll admit that I was wrong about David. I probably should have been more understanding to the friendship you two have and how important it is to both of you, but it’s not like I do this stuff all the time. I love you kiddo, you are as much a son to me as Michael, and Justin, all you boys really,” said Deb.

 

“I know. I love you too, but that’s not entirely true. For some reason, I am more disposable. I am the scapegoat. When you came to get Mikey’s birthday presents the next day, you were writing me off. ‘Take care of yourself, kiddo’ you said. I got the hint loud and clear. Don’t even try to deny it. I will never forget it.”

 

“You also blamed me when Mikey quit the Q and wanted to buy the store. Well, excuse me for wanting him to be happy. You sure as hell don’t. Not really. You prefer to control his life. He’s not a child anymore; you should stop treating him like one. He’s fucking thirty-one, for Christ’s sake. You try to make all his decisions for him. It’s ridiculous. Oh, and you never really thanked me for getting the money he needed.”

 

“I do no such thing,” snapped Debbie.

 

“Yes, you do,” chimed Vic, Mikey and Brian in unison.

 

“I still don’t understand why you think I see Justin as a threat. He’s not important enough.” Michael said matter-of-factly.

 

“With the exception of Gus, he is by far the most important person in my life. He was my lover AND my best friend!”

 

Michael gasped.

 

Justin gasped, as well, from his hiding place down the hall. Tears formed in his eyes, Brian really does respect me, he thought.

 

“Yes, that’s right Mikey. You have been replaced. You see, by watching Justin and Daphne, I learned what best friends are supposed to be. You ripped away any happiness I have had when you undermined my relationship with Justin. In so doing, you also destroyed the friendship you and I have had. It will never be the same. I could never feel that close to you again.”

 

“Thank you,” smiled Daphne.

 

“No, thank you! You and Justin have a beautiful friendship. It’s not needy or clingy. You can go a week or more without hanging out, yet you are always connected. You challenge each other to grow and not to settle for things. You call each other on things, while you don’t accept excuses; you accept each other completely, with no conditions or qualifications. You have each other’s back. I know you used to get in Hobbs’ face and look at you tonight,” smiled Brian. “That is true friendship. When that Dylan guy wasn’t treating you well enough according to Justin, I thought he was going to explode with anger and frustration.”

 

“Yeah, he really told Dylan off,” laughed Daphne.

 

“You made me realize that Michael and I, our relationship is not healthy and not just for the obvious reason.”

 

“What is so fucking obvious?” yelled Michael.

 

“Not now,” replied Brian.

 

“No, right now. I want to know. The truth, Brian. NOW!”

 

“Okay,” sighed Brian. “Let’s go somewhere more private.”

 

“Why? Everything else has been said in front of everyone. Why stop now?”

 

“I don’t want to have this conversation. Especially not in front of everyone,” answered Brian.

 

“Why not? Just say what you have to say,” said Michael. “Don’t worry it won’t change things.”

 

“It already has.”

 

“Mikey, you are my oldest friend and I don’t want to lose that. You and your family have meant so much to me. You and Deb saved me and I love you for it,” said Brian to the Novotny/Grassi family.

 

“Mikey, I love you and I always will, but I was never IN love with you.  Maybe there was a window of opportunity somewhere along the road that we missed. If there was it was a long time ago, maybe in high school.”

 

“You want to know what is obvious. The obvious is that since we met, you have had a crush on me. You think you love me. You have always wanted me; for us to finish what we started all those years ago. It will never happen. Mikey, you don’t know what love is. Not real love anymore than I did before Justin. You just thought you did. That knowledge I used. All I needed to do was give you the slightest encouragement, a look, a word, a touch, a kiss and you would go all dreamy eyed as if I gave you the world. I should have stopped encouraging you and let you move on a long time ago, but you were all I had. I was too afraid of being alone. I needed you to keep me sane. I don’t know. Justin taught me what love is. What we had never was love. It is time you gave up on your dream of us ever becoming a couple.”

 

“We are too different, it never would have worked and the friendship was more important. I didn’t know how to really love. I loved you and Deb and Vic but I never had to say it, or show it, really. I didn’t know how to do that. No one taught me or showed me. Not until Justin. There was no love in my family. My parents didn’t love each other or their kids.”

 

“I lived my life with as little intimacy and emotion as I possibly could. Lindsay, you made your way in, but I knew when we got involved that it would never last. So, I had fun. We experimented together and I came to love you too, but you weren’t a threat to the real Brian. Everything went as planned until one night in September almost two years ago.”

 

“I had no idea that I would love Gus like that,” said Brian, smiling at his sleeping son. “It was like my heart outgrew its hard shell the second I held him. It was scary, exhilarating, and freeing. It was a natural high. The best I ever had. I kick myself for not being there for his birth. Yes, Mel, I do feel. I see that look of disbelief.

 

“Then Justin and I had sex. No! Made love, I loved him from that night, probably from the first moment I saw him. He was beautiful, brave, naïve, scared and so totally open hearted. He scared the shit out of me. I ignored my feelings and tried to push him away like all the others, but he was too persistent. Thank God. Unfortunately, if I had been at the hospital, I would not have met Justin and Justin is the most important person in my life, now. More important than even Gus because without Justin I wouldn’t be able to be there for Gus. Justin is the one person I can truly love and the one person who truly loves me. I guess that makes him my soul mate. Mikey, you have tried to break that thread that ties Justin and I together from the first night we met. I don’t know if I can ever heal the damage that has done. If only you hadn’t felt the need to throw Ethan in my face, I could have ignored what was happening a little longer. However, you had to make it so that I had to do something to save face. If only, you had left it alone.”

 

“I had never felt love like that before. I knew instantly that I would love and protect him for the rest of my life. But I didn’t protect Justin. I finally gave in. He was so happy. I was so happy. It almost killed him. I almost killed him.”

 

Justin winced, I thought Brian had stopped blaming himself a long time ago, he thought to himself. It wasn’t his fault. He saved me.

 

 “That night is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. Jack’s beatings were nothing compared to the pain I felt that night waiting to hear if he’d live.”

 

“Brian, I know, I was there remember. I know you better than anyone,” stated Michael.

 

“No, you don’t understand or you never would have said what you did at Mel and Lindsay’s anniversary party.”

 

“What did he say? You are not a violent person, Brian. You had to have been provoked,”    asked Vic.

 

“He knows what he said,” answered Brian.

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter what he said, he didn’t deserved to be punched. He deserves an apology,” snapped Deb.

 

“There you go again, Deb, everything is my fault. He deserved what he got and I will never apologize for it.”

 

“Okay, what was so awful that would justify a punch to the face,” challenged Deb.

 

“He said that Justin was ungrateful…”

 

“So?” Deb interrupted.

 

“Then he said that I should have left him to die in the parking garage,” continued Brian.

 

There was an audible gasp among the friends. Michael looked to the floor, ashamed.

 

Deb stalked over to her son. “Is that true, did you say that?”

 

Michael looked at his mother and admitted that it was true with a nod.

 

In a flash, Deb slapped her son across the face hard. “I can’t believe you,” she said with tears in her eyes. She turned and looked to Brian, sadly. Michael’s cheek grew red from the force of the slap.

 

“Brian, I owe you an apology. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, Deb.”

 

“No, it’s not, Brian, you have to stop letting them off the hook,” Justin said entering the room. “You don’t deserve the shit they unload on you and it only perpetuates a cycle that is very unhealthy for you.”

 

Brian was stunned to see Justin. Oh God, how much did he hear? Brian’s mind was reeling.

 

“Sweetie, we love Brian. We want him to be happy, to grow and admit his feelings to you and to himself.” Lindsay offered.

 

“That’s not true; no one ever gives him the chance. He had the chance tonight and he took advantage of it. But no one lets him. Lindsay you have done it too.”

 

Fuck, he heard it all, thought Brian.

 

“Justin, I can’t begin to remember how many times I’ve begged him to open up and …”   Lindsay began.

 

“Why am I the only one that knows you can’t get Brian to do things by asking him? I learned that the first week we met. I tried to talk to him, but with Brian actions speak louder than words. So, I went to Babylon and made him want me the way I wanted him.”

 

“Lindsay, you yourself told me how Brian offered the Miami tickets to you for your honeymoon. You bragged to me about how you told him to be true to himself and go have a good time.  I sat there listening to you and the sadness I felt must have showed on my face because you apologized to me. That you were sorry that it hurt me but that Brian lived his life by his own code and you would never ask him to change. I wasn’t sad for myself, I was sad for him.”

 

“I will never ask him to change, Justin, I couldn’t,” replied Lindsay.

 

“That’s just it, you didn’t ask him to change, he offered. He wanted to stay; he was trying to find a way that would allow him to save face. He was begging for an excuse to do what he wanted to do. But you threw his bullshit motto in his face. A way of life that hurts no one more than it hurts him. Brian loves you; he would give up his life for Gus. No one wants him to change and every time he tries to be a better person, all of you knock him down. He struggles amidst the confusion of change versus letting you guys down by showing who he really is. None of you want to know the real Brian Kinney. It is so much easier to have someone to blame for everything. Isn’t it time for all of you to take responsibility for yourself? He feels trapped in that skin but you guys won’t allow him to be free of it. Lindsay, what saddened me, was the fact that you can no longer see the real Brian.”

 

Justin’s voice was getting louder and his breathing more shallow. He had broken out into a sweat and his right hand was beginning to shake.

 

“Justin,” Brian said, concerned.

 

“No, Brian, I love you more than anything and I have sat back and watched them do this to you for two years…” Justin’s voice became forced.

 

“Justin. Stop.”

 

Justin turned to Brian, “I’m sorry I stopped trying I was just so tired. I had to deal with too much. Then Rage brought up a lot of stuff, and there was no one to talk to. You would never let me talk to you about the bashing. I needed someone to talk to but you wouldn’t. You couldn’t. You still have trouble dealing with it. Then you pissed on my work and shook the belief I had in you to the core and finally my birthday present shattered my last hopes,” Justin was getting more and more agitated and his whole body shook.”

 

“It’s okay Justin, just please sit down,” Brian tried to move Justin to a chair.  Brian was seeing the signs of an eminent panic attack. “Take a deep breath.”

 

“It’s not okay; I was so lost, so I started to push you and trying to prove to myself that you cared,” Justin continued, a tear trailed down his cheek. “I fell into the trap. I was acting just like the rest of them. I knew better. I’m sorry, Brian. I’m so sorry…” Justin broke down in tears. His breathing was very labored now, he shook uncontrollably and he started to slump to the floor. The pain he had caused Brian too much for him to bear.

 

Brian caught him and eased him down softly. Shit! He hasn’t had a panic attack like this in a long time, Brian thought to himself. “Someone, give me a jacket.”

 

“Emmett, give me yours, is it soft?” Rolling it tightly, Brian placed it under Justin’s head. Brian tried to get him as comfortable as possible. Sitting down on the floor, Brian lifted the makeshift pillow and Justin’s head into his lap. Soothingly, he talked to Justin, calming him down; oblivious to those around him, his only thought was Justin, his focus to help his baby through this one more time.

 

Everyone watched as Justin broke down and as Brian did all he could to comfort him. Looks of incredulous disbelief were on everyone’s face except Vic, who wasn’t the least bit surprised.

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