More Repercussions

Part 7

==================================================================================

Justin couldn’t sleep. Turning to Brian, he watched him sleep. He hasn’t fallen asleep this easily in a long time, he thought to himself. Slowly easing out of bed, he was careful not to wake the other man. The blond made his way to the living room window and ‘his chair’ as it was now referred to.

Watching the late night activity of the city, Justin thought about the day’s events. I can’t believe Brian asked me to marry him. I know he has been concerned, but this is a little extreme. Could that be why he is sleeping so well? Maybe he thinks he has found the solution to my problem, but my problems aren’t for him to solve. I can’t let him do this. It goes against everything he believes in, everything he stands for. Who he is, really. I know he’s worried, but doing this out of guilt isn’t going to help. Besides I am not even twenty years old yet. Can I realistically commit to someone for the rest of my life? I know he said three years, but come on. I have suspected for awhile that he was getting tired of maintaining the “Kinney” lifestyle. Can he really give it up completely? Does he even want to? Why am I even considering the outcome? I am NOT going to do it.

In the bedroom, Brian reached for his lover in his sleep. He opened his eyes when he couldn’t feel him. He sat up and immediately looked around quickly. When he realized that Justin wasn’t in the bed, he saw the boy in his chair. The brunet climbed out of bed and put his boxer shorts on.

“What do you look at when you sit here?” Brian asked, as he made his way to Justin’s chair.

“Nothing really. Usually, I just think about stuff or dwell on things I guess you could say.”

“How’s the headache?”

“Better. Not much pain now.”

“Good,” replied the older man, running his fingers through the blond hair. “Can I sit too?”

Justin moved to the side of the chair trying to make room. “It’s an oversize chair, but I don’t think we’ll both fit.”

Brian pulled the boy up and then sat down in the chair himself. Justin smiled, realizing what he was doing and sat on his lap sideways. He rested his head on a well toned shoulder. They stared out the window in silence for several minutes.

“I guess we need to talk.”

“Are you trying to initiate a real conversation about our relationship?” Justin asked incredulously.

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand how you expect this to work. Do you intend for everything to stay the same except there would be a piece of paper in the safe.”

“No, the point is for most things to change. We can’t go on like this. I thought things were pretty good until you got sick so we’ll fix that. I need you.”

“Brian, that’s just it. I can’t expect you to be with someone like me. I have an ongoing medical condition that continues to deteriorate. Why would you want to be saddled with that?”

“We’re stuck with each other. I don’t know what else to say. I could ask you why you would want to put up with all of my crap. I know I am not easy, Justin. I will try to ease up but I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off. Of course, I want you to be healthy. I only want the best for you. Sure, that is the catalyst for this whole idea, but it’s really a formality. It’s just a piece of paper. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything more than a way for you to get the best medical care possible.”

Justin sat up abruptly. “Fuck you! You are not stuck with me,” he blared as he stalked around the room finding his clothes.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Away from here! You’ll be unstuck in no time,” answered Justin, dialing the cab company.

“Will you stop being a drama princess before your headache gets debilitating again.”

“Me and my headache are no longer your concern,” snapped the blond, as he got his backpack and filled it with his medication, some clothes, and a few personal items.

Brian sighed, rubbing his eyes. How do I get myself in these conversations, he thought. I avoided them quite successfully for decades. He stalked into the bathroom to relieve his bladder.

When he exited the bathroom, Brian heard the heavy metal door slam shut. “FUCK!” He hollered as he rushed to the front window. He watched his young lover get in a cab and then watched it go down the street. “God damned spoiled little twat!”

Justin opened the door to Debbie’s house as quietly as he could. He went to the kitchen and got a glass of water. Stopping in the living room, he remembered the discussion he had had that afternoon with the man he loved. It’s better this way, he tried to convince himself. I could never forgive myself if I dragged him down with me. I need to get to sleep, he thought as he yawned. Halfway up the stairs he heard the door open behind him.

“How the hell did you get in? I know I locked the door.”

“Debbie has kept a key on the rim of the lantern for 15 years.”

“Why are you here?”

“I am here because you are an overly dramatic, attention seeking, pain in the ass. For God’s sake, Justin, it is three in the morning. Let’s go home.”

“I am home. You always think that you can tell me what to do. Well, fuck that! I have made a decision and I plan to stick to it. You can go back to doing whatever you want to.”

“What the fuck did you think I was going to do?” Brian roared.

“Shh! You are going to wake them up.”

“That wouldn’t be a problem if you had kept that perfect bubble butt home where it belongs. I went to your mother’s first. I considered waking her up to tell her off for raising such a spoiled brat.”

“I was going to go there but I can never remember the code to the alarm. Brian, please. They’re sleeping.”

“Not anymore,” said Vic, as he passed the boy on the stairs.

“Sorry Vic,” said Justin as he sat on a step.

“Must be a big one, if you are taking the show on the road,” he said, as he nudged Brian on his way to the kitchen.

“What the fuck did you do now?” Demanded Deb, staring at the older man.

“Me? Talk to your drama queen, Sunshine, over there.”

“Baby, are you alright?” She asked.

“Yes. Can I have my old room back? Just until I figure something out and I will try and pay board.”

“What the fuck would you pay for? You don’t eat or sleep anymore. Which is why we are here arguing instead of at home in our bed asleep.”

“It’s not my home and it certainly isn’t my bed.”

“The fuck it’s not.”

“You misinterpreted what I said. I spent most of the ride over here pissed that I was chasing you and then I started going over what we talked about and I realized that it was an unfortunate choice of words on my part and I am sorry.”

“Brian Kinney apologizing isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse?” Deb snickered to Vic who smiled in return.

“Wow, how long did it take you to come up with that ‘copy’ on your way here? Isn’t that one of your advertising rules? Always tell the customer what they want to hear.”

“I honestly meant stuck in a good way. As in we have to stay together because we can’t live without each other.”

Justin thought about what Brian said for a few minutes. “Tell me three reasons that you want to marry me that have nothing to do with my health and the insurance.”

Brian paused, “I am not having this fucking conversation in the middle of the night across town. Now let’s go.”

Justin nodded sadly and went upstairs to his room.

“Wrong answer,” said Deb. “I’ll go talk to him.”

“Fuck,” growled Brian, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Looks like it is going to be a long night. How about some coffee?” Vic suggested.

“Sure,” he replied.

Vic and Brian sat in silence waiting for the coffee machine to finish its job.

“I’m really sorry we woke you. I’ll give him a few minutes to cool down, and then I’ll collect my little twink and get out of your house.”

“First of all, he will always have a home here and I can sleep anytime. Brian, I love you like a son, as I do your little twink,” replied Vic with a smile. “But you have to realize he has valid reasons for being scared.”

Brian sighed, “I know but how can I convince him. He just has to do it and see. The sooner we get married, the sooner he gets better.”

“I understand that and I think it’s wonderful but I’m not the one you have to convince. Everybody knows you would never do this if it wasn’t for the health insurance. Of course, he’s scared that you will start to resent him. I know you think this won’t change anything but it will. Are you ready for those changes?”

“I think…” Brian started to answer.

“DON”T THINK! Be absolutely fucking sure,” interrupted Vic. “I know you think of this as a solution to a problem. To be honest, I agree. It is the best one anyone can think of. However, it is so much more than that and if you treat it as cavalierly as you do most things, you will break that boy. I don’t just mean his heart but his spirit. You almost did it the last time, but he can’t take it now. What he said this afternoon about the unhealthy patterns you two fall into when he’s sick was very insightful. And let’s face it, your patterns aren’t that much better when he’s healthy.”

“Why does everyone presume to know what I am doing, what our relationship is like, or what my feelings are?”

“That’s the root of the problem. You leave everyone, especially Justin, no other choice but to guess what you are feeling and thinking because you never say it for yourself. Do you love him?”

“He knows how I feel.”

“If he was sure he would have said yes. He’s young and he’s been through so much. I know what it’s like to be sick all of the time. He should be jumping at this chance, the fact that he isn’t concerns me very much. Brian, he’s clinging to what he has left because he is terrified of losing it. Maybe the two of you don’t talk about it, but you are the most important thing in his life. That’s been true since you met, but now he doesn’t even have his art. He feels weak, vulnerable, and dependent. He is at an age where he should be asserting his independence and making a place for himself in the world. Instead, he’s dependent on you, doctors, and medication. I think if you were honest with yourself, you would see that the reason you don’t let people in is because you learned from a much too early age that depending on people leads to pain and heartache. He is already very dependent on you. You put a roof over his head, feed him, pay for school, take care of him when he isn’t feeling well. Fuck Brian, at this point the only things he has any control over are his feelings. Even his body is betraying him. You may own his feelings but he decides when and how to show them and when not to. Or at least as much as anyone in a major depression can control them. To just hand that over to someone whose track record of communication and consideration isn’t exactly perfect would be horrifying.”

“I am trying to fix it. I want him to be like he was a few short months ago, happy and free. We were very happy,” explained Brian.

“I know and I also know you love him more than anything. That is why you have to give him something to hold onto. Open up a little, make sure there is no doubt about how you feel about him. Give him what he needs to be able to trust you and your judgment completely. He wants to do it. He fights with himself all the time not to let it happen. He loves you with an open heart, but experience has taught him to be cautious so his mind isn’t there yet. You have to trust him with your heart so he can take the next step. In his heart and soul he is committed to you in every possible way, but he doesn’t feel secure that you feel the same way. Until he does, he won’t risk it. He has too much to lose. You have to tell him how you feel. Brian, we all forgive you your fuck ups because we love you, but if you break that sweet, kind, smart, beautiful boy; I will beat the shit out of you personally. And don’t think I couldn’t do it.”

Brian smiled.

“I used to be you when I was your age. It was a lot of fun but be warned the life of a gay stud is short. You are already past the peak. Please believe me when I tell you the journey down is nowhere near as much fun as the climb up.”

“I realize that Vic. I don’t live that life anymore. To be honest, I don’t miss it. I will admit that if it wasn’t for this situation, I wouldn’t be asking him to marry me, certainly not now and probably not ever. Having said that, I should add that I want him in my life as long as he is willing to stay. I am sure that you have noticed that I follow him despite all my overblown advice to Michael that no one is worth following. Justin IS worth following. I would follow him to the ends of the earth and back. I knew that thing with Ethan was nothing. Hell, I half encouraged the whole thing. It was a mistake only because the fiddle fuck hurt him. He needed more experiences and so I allowed it. It almost killed me, but I stepped back so he could see something different. I know this marriage thing seems controlling, but you guys don’t see how bad it is. I will do ANYTHING for his health because neither one of us can survive this much longer.” Brian said, his voice cracking at the end of his statement, tears threatened to fall, one did.

Vic placed a reassuring hand on the other man’s shoulder, “I think we both know what you have to do then.”

“I just don’t know if I can. It’s not like I don’t want to. If you had any idea how many times I have wanted to say something and the words just won’t come out.”

“Tell me why you want him in your life.”

“While he was gone, I realized just how much of my life he had infiltrated and how much better it is because of it. I can’t sleep without him and waking up to him improves my days before they even start. The loft is so much warmer now and I really do think of it as ours. His stamp is there everywhere I look. It’s in the clothes strewn all over, the art supplies in the corner, the shoes I trip over every day, and the smell of his pillow. God, I love that smell. I can never get enough of it. I bet he doesn’t know it but I usually take something of his with me when I have gone out of town or else, I don’t sleep a wink. More than anywhere, the kitchen has become his now. The cupboards are full of junk, the once empty fridge is overflowing with food or it was before he got sick. I used to come home to the most unbelievable smells from his cooking. I want that back. I need HIM back.  I miss his abandoned raucous laughter. I miss the mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he has something up his sleeve. I like that he nags a little about things trying to make sure I do the right thing. I even like it when he teases me about my advancing age. I miss the most amazing sex I have ever had or received, but I miss cuddling with him and holding him even more. What I miss most of all though, is watching him sleep. I used to do it all the time. It calms me in a way I can’t explain. He is so beautiful when he is sleeping peacefully. I swear I could watch him for eternity and never be bored.”

Brian heard a sniffle behind him and turned to see Deb and Justin standing there listening. Deb was crying. It was so romantic that she couldn’t help it. Justin had tears in his eyes to but a huge smile that lit up the room.

“Let’s go,” he said, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“What? Where?”

“We have to go home and get some sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow. We have a trip and a wedding to plan.”

Brian actually felt the weight of the world being lifted from his shoulders. He got up and took his twink into his arms and kissed him passionately.

After several minutes, Deb and Vic looked at each other and decided to go to bed.

“Lock up behind you,” whispered Vic as he passed them.

The sweet, tender reunion lasted long past dawn and then they finally both fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

Later, after they woke up, Brian jokingly asked Justin if he got the three reasons he wanted. Justin just grinned again, which brought a big smile on Brian’s face. Giggling, Justin playfully throws his pillows at Brian, and a pillow fight ensues.

Return to More Repercussions