Running For Life

Author's note: This story was written in support of Breast Cancer awareness month, and dedicated to all of the women and yes, the men, who have "walked though the fire." In the spirit of Justin, who never shied away from public service announcements, I affectionately ask that all of you who read this do monthly breast exams. If you are over forty or if there is a history of breast cancer in your family, ask your doctor or go to a free clinic to see about getting a mammogram. It can save your life.

Setting: Philadelphia, PA, a warm Sunday morning in May. A large crowd of women, with a smattering of men, was gathered together in front of the Philadelphia Art Museum.Many of them wore pink ribbons or pink hats, pink t-shirts or pink shorts; there were pink items of all sizes shapes and description. One woman stood out simply by virtue of the fact that she did nothing to stand out. She was very attractive with shoulder length blonde hair, pretty blue eyes and a slender but shapely figure, but she stood alone, aloof from the somewhat boisterous crowd, her one concession to the day being a small pink ribbon pinned to her white t-shirt.

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"What, no hot pink bloomers, Jennifer? What would Debbie say? If she were here, I am sure she would be decked out in pink from head to toe and would no doubt be wearing that hot pink wig she drags out for the Pride Parade each year." The tall chestnut-haired man startled her as he came up beside her, just as she began her pre-race stretches.

"Brian! What are you doing here?" Jennifer Taylor looked around nervously to see if anyone else was with the tall handsome man who now stood next to her, wearing his own fashionable running garb. His smile back at her was unusually gentle. There was no trace, for the moment, of the usual sarcasm.

"I'm by myself today, Mother Taylor, as you seem to be. Perhaps we can keep each other company during the run? It's a nice day for it, don't you think?" He gave her his best ad man smile as she looked at him uncertainly. The Race for the Cure was about to start.

It's been years since they told her about it

The darkness her body possessed

And the scars are still there in the mirror

Every day when she gets herself dressed

Though the pain is miles and miles behind her

And the fear is now a docile beast

If you ask her why she is still running

She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]

I run for hope

I run to feel

I run for the truth

For all that is real

I run for your mother your sister your wife

I run for you and me my friend I run for life

The two of them began running easily after the starting gun went off. Jennifer still hadn't spoken more than a few words to Brian. She had barely made eye contact with him. The race was only a 5K, just 3.1 miles. A year ago, she would have been able to do this distance easily. That wasn't true any more. A lot of things weren't true any more, she thought, with a grimace, as she felt herself struggling after just a half mile of running. She had started out too fast, she realized. She bit her lower lip, and slowed her pace. Brian matched her decreased stride without comment. They passed a water station and he diverted his path over to it to grab two cups, handing her one of them as he came back over to her side. She accepted it gratefully. Finally, she had to ask.

"How did you know? I came to this city to do the Race to avoid anyone who would recognize me, you must realize. It defeats my purpose to have you here, not that I don't appreciate the thought and the company." Her innate good breeding made her voice gratitude she did not really feel. She wanted to be alone. Brian, of all people, should understand that; didn't he try to keep his own cancer secret? Ironically, she had not even told Tucker the truth, although he was the one to discover the lump. She had to tell him she had it removed of course. They were too close for him not to know that. But she told him that it was benign. Then she smiled her way through a celebratory dinner, and lied her way through the following weeks, as she went through the treatment alone, making excuse after excuse for why she could not see him, why work was keeping her too busy to get together, why a new diet was making her lose weight.

"Yeah, I bet you appreciate it," Brian had the nerve to chuckle, shooting her a knowing look. If she were not such a lady, she would have tripped him, she thought. Sometimes she wished she had Debbie Novotny's balls. She took a deep breath instead and concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other. "You Taylors should know by now you can't keep secrets from me." He glanced down at her sweating face, concern overshadowing the humor on his face. "I admire and understand the sentiment that made you do this, Jennifer, I really do, but was it wise? Are you even done treatment yet?"

Fatigue made her explode and forget her Country Club manners.

"How the fuck did you know?" She stopped dead in the middle of the road to stare at him; then bent over, gripping her thighs, trying to catch her breath. Her white baseball cap slipped a bit and she quickly grabbed at it. He put an arm out to steady her. The passing runners just circled around them; emotions often ran high at this race. No one was surprised. A few gave them understanding looks.

"We have the same oncologist. I saw your name on the sign-in sheet above mine at my last check-up. The walls aren't as thick as they should be, so much for the Health Care Patient Privacy Act. Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear some of what was said. Don't worry, I haven't said anything to anyone, including Justin. I assumed from the fact that he hasn't mentioned it that you don't want him to know. Have you talked to anyone about this, shared it with anyone at all?" Brian kept his hand on her shoulder and steadied her as she tried to straighten back up. She was shaking slightly. He walked her over to another support station and got her some juice. She had just over two miles still to go.

"No, and I don't intend to, I'm doing just fine."

It's a blur since they told me about it

How the Darkness had taken its toll

And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body

But they will never get a piece of my soul

And now I'm still learning the lesson

To waken when I hear the call

And if you ask me why I am still running

I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus:]

I run for hope

I run to feel

I run for the truth

For all that is real

I run for your mother your sister your wife

I run for you and me my friend I run for life

"I can tell you are. No one doubts that, Jennifer, but you know, you don't have to do this alone. That is the point of these runs, isn't it? All these women, and shit, even these men, running because it isn't any one woman's battle alone? You're all in it together? You would never want Justin to think he had to fight his battles alone, would you? Fuck, you didn't want me to fight my cancer alone. I seem to remember some soup and cakes coming over from my surrogate mother when I lost my nut. Are you telling me now I was some kind of wimp to accept that help after all?"

The hazel eyes stared intently at the blue ones, so much like her son's it made his heart ache. They were running very slowly now, barely more than a walk.

"I lost my hair, Brian," she whispered brokenly. "This is a wig. I didn't lose my breast, they were able to do a lumpectomy, but you know, I almost think I could have faced that easier, they weren't all that big anyway," she choked out a laugh. "But my hair!" Tears started to come down and her laugh turned to big gulping sobs. The two of them stopped again and he folded his arms around her as she cried for her loss. They were about halfway through the course at this point. He rubbed her back and made comfort noises, ignoring the runners who passed by, some staring curiously at this attractive pair who stood so close together, the tall handsome man holding the small woman so tenderly.

"It will come back, Jennifer. The important thing is that you are here, and you are well. You are still beautiful, with or without your hair, although I must say, that is a damn fine wig. I am assuming you did not go to Debbie's supplier?" He tilted her chin up so she could see him and smirked.

Jennifer giggled. "Well, I was going to ask her for the name of her wigmaker, but then I would have had to explain why I wanted it, and well, you know." She smiled up at him, brushing away her tears.

"Yeah, I know. God forbid she make you actually have to wear one of those monstrosities! So, what do you say we start shuffling along again, I think we have a little over a mile to go, piece of cake for two old warriors such as we." He smiled back at her and they started up again, their pace a little faster than before, but still much slower than at the beginning.

By the time they reached the last half-mile, Jennifer was struggling. She hurt. She was breathing hard, feeling every step, the weakness left by the radiation treatments and the chemotherapy taking their toll on her body. Brian placed one arm around her waist and another on her arm and half carried her, half led her through the rest of the course. She made no complaint. The sweat that ran into her eyes blurred her vision. Maybe it was tears. She wasn't sure. She knew she was glad she wasn't alone in a strange city, surrounded by strangers. What had she been thinking? She left Molly with her ex-husband, told Tucker she was going to a real estate seminar, and booked the flight out of town without telling anyone what she was doing. She still didn't know how Brian had discovered her real plans; somehow the man had ways of ferreting out secrets. For weeks now she had been keeping this secret. She didn't want to worry anyone, she told herself. That wasn't the whole truth. She didn't want anyone to look at her differently. To see her as flawed, as less than a complete woman. As she acknowledged this shameful fact to herself, more tears fell. Brian started talking, almost as though to himself.

"You know, when I lost a ball, I didn't want anyone to know. Not Justin, not even Mikey, my best friend. It seemed like such a cosmic irony, the legend of Liberty Avenue, Mr. Sex himself, with part of his equipment missing. I'll tell you something else, Jennifer, that no one else knows. Well, besides Justin, there was no way that randy son of yours wasn't going to figure it out. I was impotent for a while. Me, Brian Kinney, was unable to perform. There was no medical reason for it, mind you; it was all in my head. I felt like less than a man so I acted like one in bed."

She looked at him, shocked. Her shock was not only because he was sharing something so intimate, but also because he was reading her own mind. This was exactly how she felt. She had been pushing Tuck away for weeks despite the fact that the doctor had given her the go-ahead for sex ages ago.

"What did you do?"

"Luckily for me, my mother practically dared me to continue my evil ways; being the contrary son I am, it was enough to get me over the hump about humping. Now, in your case, you just need to realize what a beautiful woman you are and get over the hair thing. Not that I'm the right guy to help you with this, women not being my specialty, as you know, but I understand that bald women are very in right now. Look at that famous muncher, the singer, the one who also had a run-in with breast cancer. What was her name? Hell, she looked better with her head shaved, if you ask me." Brian smirked at Jennifer, his eyebrow cocked questioningly.

Jennifer had to laugh at his expression, until she saw the outraged looks on the faces of a few women who were passing by and overheard.

"I think you mean Melissa Etheridge," she suggested, blushing slightly.

"That's the one," he agreed, pleased that she knew who he meant. "She looked much better without all that hair covering her features. She has pretty eyes like you, and good cheekbones, also like you. Now you have great hair too, but you're in good shape with your face, so don't feel so bad. I bet Tucker will get turned on by it. He'll feel like he's with someone else for a bit, a little variety can add spice," Brian added with a wicked smile. "Maybe he has a Sinead O'Connor fantasy, who knows? You know, something I always wanted to ask you, Jennifer, Tucker versus Craig, how do they compare? In bed, I mean."

"Brian!"

"Tucker, just as I thought," he said with a wink. Jennifer blushed, but didn't deny it.

In that fashion, with outrageous comments and teasing, Brian kept her distracted and saw her through the last half mile of the race in surprisingly good time. They hugged at the finish line, sharing happy smiles and tears with all of the other women and men in pink, then he half carried her to the rest station for juice and bananas, before getting a cab to take her to a hotel. She collapsed and slept the afternoon away in her hotel room, thankful that Brian had arranged to book the adjoining room and would be having a late dinner with her that evening. They would fly back to Pittsburgh early the next morning.

That night, after dinner, Jennifer slowly took off the pretty blue gown she had worn to dinner with Brian. She unhooked her bra and stood unflinching in front of the mirror, gazing at the red, angry scar that marred her the outside of her right breast. She had done this before and it became easier each time. Each week it appeared lighter in color, slightly less raised. She donned a blue robe and took a deep breath. This next step was harder. She had never done it in front of a mirror before. She felt both childish and frightened. Slowly, she prepared to lift the expensive, pale blonde wig from her head. It had been ordered ahead of time and she had put it on as soon as her own hair began to fall out from the treatments. It was made from human hair and matched her hair perfectly. She mentally gave thanks for the generous people who donated to Locks for Love and made such wigs available for cancer survivors; she, fortunately, was able to afford such a wig so she did not make use of that resource.

Enough stalling. She took another deep breath and took off the wig. She stared at her own bare head.

"My eyes, they look so big," she whispered.

"The better to see so much of life with, mother," came a quiet voice from the adjoining door. She had purposely left it open. She wasn't sure she could do this alone, and she was willing now to acknowledge the debt she owed this man her son loved. He came and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I'm glad you are still with us, you know, and that you will be for a long, long, time." He kissed the top of her baldhead.

Tears rolled down Jennifer Taylor's lovely sculpted cheekbones.

"Same time next year?" She asked.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," he answered.

Brian and Jennifer arrived at Pittsburgh airport at eight a.m. the next morning. Meeting them at the arrival gate were Justin and Molly Taylor, and Jennifer's boyfriend Tucker. Also there were Daphne, Emmett, Ted, the Novotny-Bruckners, Debbie and Carl, all wearing huge pink ribbons and waving banners, welcoming Jennifer home with congratulations.

"You didn't think I was going to let you skulk back in to town, did you?" Brian asked her, his arm draped over her shoulder, keeping her from bolting.

"I'll kill you for this," she said through gritted teeth as she smiled for the crowd.

"And Justin would have killed me if I hadn't told him, but if it is any comfort, I didn't say a word until last night, after you faced down your demons, Mother Taylor; not that I had any doubt that you would. Now go accept their praise, you deserve it, and your children need to give it." With that, he gently nudged her forward. She walked toward the group, holding her head high, to be crushed in the welcoming arms of her children, as tears streamed down from three sets of brilliant blue eyes, while her loving friends struggled unsuccessfully to hold back their own tears.

Explanations would come later. For now it was enough to know that she had walked through the fire, and survived.

And someday if they tell you about it

If the darkness knocks on your door

Remember her remember me

We will be running as we have before

Running for answers

Running for more

[Chorus:]

I run for hope

I run to feel

I run for the truth

For all that is real

I run for your mother your sister your wife

I run for you and me my friend I run for life

(The Song is Running for Life, Lyrics and Music by Melissa Etheridge)

(If interested, please see www.pbfund.org, a site where you can order pink bracelets, similar to the yellow plastic Live Strong ones Lance Armstrong endorses; this is a fundraising effort for breast cancer research which Melissa Etheridge supports. Another simple effort everyone can make is simply to visit the breast cancer website, by clicking on the site their sponsors help fund mammograms for needy women. The site address is www.thebreastcancersite.com. When you visit that site each day, you can click where indicated, and each hit helps them meet their quota! Please note that breast cancer is not just a women's issue, men too should do breast exams. While lumps are frequently benign in men, that cannot be assumed and should always be checked out! (Thank you for your indulgence; we now return to our regularly scheduled stories!)