Begin Again

Chapter Six

Liberty Ride 2014, POV/Brian

“Justin, I’m fucking tired of talking about it. If it matters that much to you, consider yourself and Dr. Ken Doll to be the winners of last night’s festivities. Whatever happened, it’s all in good fun and for a good cause?” 

I looked down at my odometer. Thirteen more miles to the campsite, today’s stopping point. Finally. Whoever thought biking a hundred miles two days in a row was a good idea must be a sadist. Or a masochist. The truth was, I had a pretty strong suspicion whose idea it was, and he was anything but a sadist or a masochist – it was simply that he could do this kind of mileage without breaking a sweat and he tended to forget what mere mortals were capable of. My aching muscles were reminding me with every revolution of the pedals that eight weeks of preparatory training does not make up for doing this type of exercise year round.

My one comfort was that Justin seemed to be suffering as much as I was. It just didn’t affect his ability to talk. He looked over at me and shook his head.

“Oh no, not one of your, ‘I’m really the winner but I’ll act like a big man and concede’ ploys to get out of really conceding that we were far and away the crowd’s favorites.”

I looked at him in disbelief.  “Do you honestly think I have enough energy right now to devote to thinking that much about last night, much less of ways to outwit you on a subject that as far as I’m concerned, was exhausted seventy, eighty miles ago.”

“You just know we won!” He crowed.

I wondered if I would get caught if I dumped his body in a ditch.  And if caught, would any jury convict me once I explained the circumstances? Justifiable homicide or temporary insanity – I didn’t care which plea was used.  I looked over again, intending to issue a blistering retort, but his grin was so bright that I had to shake my head and join in his amusement. 

“Yes, Justin, I guess you’re right. You two blew us away.” 

“I knew it,” he said smugly, then added, “but you and Mac did really well too. I couldn’t believe it when he took off his jeans – he’s got awesome legs.”

I smiled to myself. I loved Mac’s legs; in fact, I’ve been known to do just that, with great thoroughness, an inch at a time.  I would have liked to have done so last night, but I must have been asleep by the time he came in from his walk. This morning, he was up and ready to head out again by the time I woke up. I barely had time to grab a kiss before he was out the door. I frowned, thinking about that.

After his initial annoyance, Mac had thrown himself into the karaoke, so I didn’t think he was mad about anything. He wasn’t one to brood or sulk; when he was mad, he told me. While I knew he had a general dissatisfaction with this whole Brian and Justin reunion thing, I didn’t think he had any particular complaint with my conduct.

It was funny. Yesterday, spending the time riding and talking with Justin, it had been easy to slip into the familiar old patterns of behavior. At one point, I had to catch myself as I almost pulled him into my arms for a kiss at one of the look-out points. We’d stopped for a water break, and he’d called me over to show me an especially beautiful spray of early blossoms on one of the trees.  As I stood behind him, my hands on his shoulders and my chin resting on his head, I looked at it, seeing it as through his eyes, and I was caught up in the moment. It just seemed like the natural next step would be to turn him around and kiss him...but I didn’t. It shook me up though. He’d glanced up at me as I’d stepped away and I swear he saw the kiss in my eyes. He’d blushed lightly, but he didn’t say anything. Either way.

I guess that moment colored my behavior for the rest of the night. I found myself very conscious of Justin from the moment I came down for Mikey’s ceremony. Maybe being confronted with the passage of time so forcibly by Mikey and his professor celebrating a decade of, if not bliss, a certain undeniable happiness, made me think about my choices. Being confronted with that damn jeweler’s box, which held the set of wedding bands that were never used, when I was getting ready for the ceremony,  added to my sense of unrest. I thought about Mac’s probable purpose in putting the rings in my bag. Undoubtedly some metaphor about my past relationship being baggage I was still dragging around with me – Mac was always very good at making a point with the fewest words possible, and often, as here, with no words at all.

“Fuck!” After making a strange noise, Justin’s bike started wobbling all over the road, almost causing him to hit another pair of bikers, who flipped him the bird after swerving to miss him. I braked and then coasted around to the side of the road, where he was looking at his fancy, two thousand dollar bike – with its blown out tire.

Justin looked at me expectantly. “Well?”

“Well, what? If you want my diagnosis, you have a flat.”

 “Very funny. You have some kind of patch kit, don’t you?”

I looked at him incredulously. “Justin. I may have changed a bit over the past nine years, but trust me, I haven’t changed that much. And I don’t now nor have I ever changed tires. Or done mechanical stuff of any kind.”

He rolled his eyes at me.  I’d forgotten how much I hated it when he did that. The fact that he still looked closer to seventeen than his real age...while I was feeling every one of my forty-four years...made that look all the more annoying. Where was a nun with a ruler when you wanted one? Or Debbie.

“Brian, if you can’t fix it, can’t you call whoever is responsible for fixing things like this during the Race and get him out here to take care of this? I’m tired, I’m hungry and I want to get this over with for today.”

I sucked in my bottom lip. “Justin...the person responsible for fixing your bike is you. It’s in the Ride registration materials. What do you think? We have a team of paid bike mechanics taking care of everyone’s bicycles along the two hundred and fifty miles?”

“Isn’t Mac in charge of....” 

I cut him off. “No, Mac isn’t in charge of fixing everyone’s bike. But he did provide me with a patch kit – you’re welcome to use it. Not that I think it will do much good. That tire looks ruined. What in hell did you ride over?”

“Nothing! It just blew!”  He took off his helmet. “I guess I could call Kyle on my cell phone, see if he can find a spare tire somewhere.”  He looked really unhappy.

“There’s a number to call if you need to be picked up.  Call that and they’ll send a truck to come get you.”

He balked at that. “But I don’t want to be short on the miles!  If I don’t bike the full amount, it won’t count.”

I shook my head in frustration. “Count for what, Justin? It isn’t like you’re not strong enough to go on, you were biking great. Your fancy bicycle couldn’t take the terrain, but I can attest to the fact that you’re the same little Ever-ready Bunny you always were.”

“You don’t have to be snide,” he said, sounding almost tearful. “I’d have thought you of all people would understand the importance of doing every mile. For fuck’s sake, you did it, despite having a broken collar bone and....”

And having had cancer. He didn’t say it but the words were in the air, as much as if he had. He looked at me, stricken. The cancer was one of those topics he and I’d never talked about. I’d forgotten that. It was something I talked about with Mac, who asked me about it when he saw the scar. He treated it so matter-of-factly that I felt okay about talking about it too. Mac had lost his mentor to cancer and a few friends to AIDS – he didn’t shy away from talking about death, but he fiercely lived life. Justin was just as fierce in his love of life and rejection of any limitations – hell, his too close brushes with death at seventeen, and again at twenty-two, were more than anyone should ever have to face – but somehow, with Justin, death and even the limitations of illness were taboo topics. He never even wanted to discuss with me how the bashing had affected him; to the day he walked out of the loft, I didn’t know how often his hand hurt, if his head still bothered him or not. He let me help him in the early days, when he had no choice but to rely on someone and I was his best option, but afterward, that door was closed.

Time to open it.

“It’s okay, Justin. I know I was recovering from the cancer back then. I’ve done a few of these rides since then, and you’ve got a point, they’re a lot easier when I’m not sick and favoring a broken bone. But...that’s kind of the point. You don’t have anything to prove. No mortality creeping round the corner to sneak up on you unawares. You can bow to the inevitability of a blow-out affecting your ability to finish the day’s ride, and not lose face...or confidence in yourself.  Or do you? Is this Ride some Rubicon you need to cross?”

“Listen to you – fucking a professor and you get all erudite,” he mocked.  “I’m fine, Brian. I just don’t like to quit anything.”

“You quit us quite a few times as I recall.”

And where the fuck did that come from, I wondered as Justin stared at me.

“You told me to leave,” he whispered. “You said I should follow my dreams.”

I pulled off my own helmet.  Damn, I wish I were done, having a cold drink. “I know. And I meant it. But...I never thought we’d not see each other or talk to each other for nine years...did you?”

He looked self-conscious but was quick to point out, “You could have called me, or visited.”

I took a deep breath.  “No...I couldn’t. Not without some sign from you that you wanted to hear from me.”

“Why?”  He looked perplexed. 

I sat down on a low stone wall that abutted the road and looked down over into some valley. I guess this was as good a place as any for this talk.  Riders continued to pass us but we must have just looked like two bikers who were taking a late break. Yeah, just about ten miles now from the finishing point for the day. Perfect spot for a break. I sighed, then looked back at Justin.

“Think about it from my perspective. I was the older one, settled in my career.  You had been so young when we met. Hell, you were only two years older than Gus is now. When I think of it in those terms, I can’t imagine what I’d been thinking of, taking you home, off the street like that, stoned out of my mind.”

“It was love,” he said softly.

“It was sex,” I corrected him wryly. “It became love. Over the course of years. But it wasn’t love that first night, Justin. It was a ballsy, more guts than brains kid and a jaded, emotionally numb but sexually talented man.”  I grinned at him.  “It’s a testament to your perseverance and my patience that we both stuck it out over the rough patches to the point where it was love. And some of those rough patches were my fault, absolutely. But not all of them. Some of them were you, walking out. But, when we finally seemed to get it right between us, the timing was all wrong and ending it was the only thing to do. I believed that then and I believe it now.”

“So are you saying you don’t feel anything when you look at me?” He moved closer, a faint smile on his face.

“Brat.” I told him pleasantly.  “I think you know I do...and the old Brian would have shown no respect for your relationship with Dr. Ken and tried to get you into bed. Once.”

He laughed. “And the old Justin probably would have gone along with it...once. Just so I could walk out on you again, you understand, after first telling you off for persisting in calling my partner Ken when you know his name is Kyle.”

“Of course,” I agreed.  “I think a better course of action is for us to maybe acknowledge that we make better friends than lovers, and try to stay in touch a little more...but without any improper touching?”

“Sounds good,” Justin agreed, looking relieved. I sensed that he was glad to have this all out in the open – and to know that while we both felt the pull of attraction, which I for one felt a lot stronger before two days in his company, we didn’t have to do anything about it. I stretched – it felt good to let go of that old baggage. And speaking of old baggage....

“There’s just one more thing I’d like to discuss with you before we decide how to fix your bicycle problem.”

“What’s that?”

“Our rings.”

“Our rings?” He looked perplexed, then understanding lit his face.  “You still have them?”

“With me, as a matter of fact. Well, not with me this second or we could do something dramatic like toss them into the wind.”

He made a face at me. “You saved them all this time and now you want to throw them into a valley?”

I smiled softly. “No...what I’d like to do is donate them to the Vic Grassi House...to be given, as a surprise, to the next pair of residents who fall in love there and decide to get married.  Based on past experience, I’d say our rings would find a good home within the next couple of months.”

Justin’s eyes filled up.  “I like that idea....they’ll still be worn by two men in love then.”

“Two men who would be spending the rest of their lives together,” I added.

He leaned up on his toes to kiss me then, purely in friendship.  It was a simple brush of lips on lips, but it was inevitable that it was that moment when there was the sound of a bike swishing to a stop nearby.  I turned quickly and my eyes met Mac’s startled green ones. I started to say something, to explain, but Justin blurted out, “It was nothing, just a kiss between friends.”

I winced to myself. Just be quiet, I thought. Let me handle this. But, of course, that wasn’t to be.

“You have a tire for my bike? That’s awesome! You really are amazing. How did you know? I was pretty much stuck here as I don’t have any way of fixing it and Brian was useless, as you can imagine.”

“Bikers arriving at the camp told me. From the description, I knew it must be you. I borrowed a tire from Kyle’s bike.”  Mac’s tone was curt. He was bent down, making the tire switch as he spoke.

“Mac....”  I spoke softly. 

“Not now, Brian.”  He straightened up – that quickly he had the broken tire off and the good one on the bike. He looked at the one he removed – anything to avoid looking at me, I thought.

“Wow, that’s great,” Justin said, looking concerned as his gaze went from Mac to me and back. I wanted to tell him to just take off for the campsite but I knew it wasn’t really his fault I was in this predicament. If I’d made it clear to Mac all along how important he was to me, instead of drifting along in my little dream world of yesteryear for the past forty-eight hours, this moment wouldn’t be happening. Or, if it did, it wouldn’t have had any effect.

“Okay, I think you’re good to go now. I left Kyle finding a new tire for you. You should be fine by tomorrow morning.”

Mac walked back over to his own bike.

“Mac!”  Justin stopped him before he could pedal off. I shook my head at him. I knew Mac; it was better to give him some space, let him cool off and then go talk to him. Justin ignored me though. Sure that he was saying the “right” thing, he said probably the worst possible thing.

“Mac...really...it was no big deal. It was just a kiss, out where anyone could see us. What could come of that?”

Mac looked like he’d been stabbed. I started toward him but he just took off on his bike like a bat out of hell.

I stood there, staring after him as he passed biker after biker, quickly moving beyond my view.  I turned back to the bicycles, feeling more weary than I could ever remember feeling.

“What did I say?” Justin asked, totally at a loss.

“Sometimes, Justin, something amazingly wonderful can start with just a kiss, even one out in public. Come on, let’s get this ride the hell over with.”

********************************************

By the time we got to the campsite, Justin and I weren’t even speaking to each other.  I couldn’t seem to get it through his head that his going to Mac and explaining to him all over again that the kiss meant nothing wouldn’t help. I finally had to yell at him to mind his own fucking business and to go find his own fucking partner to fuck things up with – I could manage to fuck up my own relationship quite well all on my own.

A sulky silence prevailed after that, although I’m sure in his mind he characterized it as dignified. I didn’t care really, as long as it was silence. I practically threw my bike at the volunteer as soon as I got to the camp and asked where Mac Williams was.

“I’m not sure, sir, he arrived back again several minutes ago. Did you try calling his cell phone?”

No, because I didn’t think he’d answer. Having a burst of inspiration, I asked if I could possibly borrow her phone. I lied and said my battery was low. She smiled cheerfully and said she’d be glad to call him for me.

I smiled at her, using as much charm as I could muster, which I suspected was at an all time low. “I kind of want to surprise him, you see and....”

She gave me a funny look. “Oh...well, Prof. Williams came back looking a little upset. Maybe I shouldn’t give his number out.”

“You don’t have to give me his number,” I said, striving to keep my voice pleasant. “I know his number. He’s a little upset because...well, why doesn’t matter, what matters is that I reach him and cheer him up, do you understand now?”

“You don’t have to be rude.”  She turned away to take a bicycle from another rider. I waited while she dealt with him, and then tapped her on the shoulder.

“Yes?” she asked coldly.

“I’m really sorry, but it’s important that I reach Mac. He’s my...we’re partners. We’ve had a misunderstanding and I need to reach him to apologize. Do you think I could possibly use your phone to....”

She made a face. “Well, if he’s mad at you, using my phone won’t help, will it? As soon as he hears your voice, he’ll hang up,” she pointed out.  Damn, I hadn’t thought of that but she was right.

She pulled out her phone and started dialing. I started to ask her what she was doing but she held a finger up to her lips to shush me.  So, I shushed.

“Hi, Professor Williams?  How are you... it’s Steph, at Station Nine. I’m good. Having fun.... Are you done for the day because....?  Really? ....Well, I can understand that. I’d want to be alone too if I had to ride around all day taking care of all these riders....Oh, it’s really nice there. No one will bother you up there.  I’ll make sure we hold down the fort here and no one bothers you for less than an emergency. Sure....Absolutely....Good night.”

I looked at her hopefully. She smiled.

“Prof. Williams is making camp up at the falcon pinnacle. If you want to talk to him, you’re going to have to hike up about three miles...and it’s rated a strenuous hike, sir. So, maybe you might want to wait until morning?”

I sighed. Of course it was.  And of course I wouldn’t.

“Do you happen to know where I could find a map?”

She told me where the base of the hiking path was, and loaned me her own guide to the trails, which I promised to give back to her the next day. After grabbing my smaller pack from the bus and stowing some water and snacks in it, as well as a change of clothes, not wanting to assume that Mac had made provision for me, I got ready to head out. I sighed. A strenuous three mile hike. Just what I wasn’t in the mood for.

As I crossed the parking area to go to the trail’s entrance, I met up with Justin and his doctor, cozily ensconced in a rental car. A red convertible. Naturally. They stopped next to me. I wasn’t in the mood to talk but figured I really should make nice. And I honestly was glad that at least one of us was happy. At least Justin looked happy.

“Can we give you a ride anywhere, Brian?” Shapiro asked. 

“Nope, ‘fraid that where I’m heading, no cars are allowed. But where are you kids off to, and what time does Barbie want her convertible back?”

Justin stuck his tongue out at me but Kyle just laughed. “We’re not into the whole roughing it scene. So I put my blackberry to use and found a car rental place that delivers and a bed and breakfast with a Jacuzzi in every room. You and Mac should join us.”

I thought wistfully of a real bed – the Jacuzzi didn’t bear thinking about. I thought I might cry. But, like the stoic I am, I waved them off cheerfully.

“Thanks but no thanks. Such accoutrements of the soft life hold no appeal for me,” I lied airily. “I’m off for a nice brisk hike to work up an appetite for dinner. But you two have fun.”

“We will,” Shapiro assured me before peeling rubber on the way off.

Purely by luck did I find my way on that damn trail.  First of all, I couldn’t believe how far three miles was when you were hiking in what felt like a vertical line. I was gasping by the time I reached the clearing, that I thought was the top, but which was actually still three tenths of a mile to the top. The handy sign told me that from this point, there were a million federal penalties if I lit a fire, littered, or pissed in the wind. Mac, if you didn’t believe I loved you after this torture, I might just stay up here, as a warning to others – don’t ever fall in love. It hurts.

I leaned on the stupid sign and tried to catch my breath.

“Don’t give up now,” a soft voice said encouragingly. “You’re almost there.”

Something tight inside my chest that had been curled up in a tight ball the whole time I’d been dragging my sorry ass up this trail unfurled at the sound of that calm voice.

“Will it be worth it when I get there?” I just had to ask, not wanting to wait any longer for forgiveness.

“Only you can answer that,” came the practical answer.

“Oh Mac, I don’t think I can move another step,” I groaned, lifting my head up and looking at him, so neat and compact...so perfect. I was quick to add, “But I want to...more than you can possibly know.”

“How about I give you a hand then?”

He got under my shoulder and basically hoisted me upright. With his support, I made it the last bit, and stumbling, holding onto him, let him guide me out onto some rocks.  I leaned back between his legs, resting against his chest, and together we looked out into the darkening sky where a half dozen falcons were flying maneuvers, making these big swooping circles, looking like a flying ballet. It was awe inspiring. Neither of us said a word, we just sat and watched until the light faded.

“Do you think you can move to get up?” Mac asked finally.

I tentatively tried moving my legs – they screamed at me, but my slow hike had served as a bit of a cool-down from the long bike ride. I was still incredibly stiff, but I could probably stand and move. Slowly. With help. Of course, all I told him was that I was fine. I didn’t fool him.

His hand brushed my face lightly. “Never hold back from telling me the truth when we’re out hiking or camping, Brian. I need to know the truth, for your safety.”

“I hate not being able to do as much as you can,” I confessed.

He smiled.  “Remember this tomorrow night when there’s dancing...and you have to dance with a man who has two left feet.”

I grabbed his hand and brought it to my lips to kiss. “As long as you’re my dance partner, I’m happy. Can I explain about today?”

“Can you?” came his dry response.

“Yes,” I assured him.  Seeing that he was waiting, and not being all that eager to move from my comfortable spot, nestled between his legs, I said, “Justin and I had a moment of closeness, which followed us having decided the proper way to dispose of those rings that we never used.” I watched as Mac’s eyebrows went up. It was always difficult to surprise him and even harder to get him to show surprise so I felt some satisfaction in getting such a reaction. I went on, “And we concluded that we were better as friends than anything else, a conclusion that Justin sealed by touching his lips to mine.”

“A kiss,” Mac put in, his voice level.

“No...not a kiss. This,” I passed my lips over his lightly, “was what Justin did, although that doesn’t quite demonstrate it because even now, after four years, I can’t touch my lips to yours without becoming aroused. But...that touch was not a kiss. And it was not a kiss as I now and forever after, will define kisses.”  I took his face in my hands.

“This, MacArthur Patton Williams, is a kiss,” I murmured, then lowered my lips to his. He remained passive under my mouth’s caress for all of maybe thirty seconds, but once I teased his lips open, and touched his tongue with mine, his passion ignited. He rolled me over and pressed me down against the soft dirt in the cleft of the rocks, maintaining the contact between our mouths, which licked and sucked as hands started to frantically tug at buckles and zippers.

“Fuck, Brian,” he gasped into my mouth, as I grabbed his cock and stroked it firmly.

“Yes...” I promised him, kicking away at my pants, ignoring the stabs of pain from sore muscles. 

“We can’t...no lube or....”

“I always have lube and condoms,” I told him. He gave me a doubtful look. I smiled at him warmly. “No, not for any reason to give you cause to doubt me. You pack flashlights and spare water, I pack condoms and lube. But for more than the past three years, Mac, there’s only been you. You know that, don’t you? Only you.”

His sweet smile that always melted me looked all the better in the moonlight that illuminated our little spot of rock.  Or maybe it was seeing it when I’d spent three long miles worrying that I might never see it directed my way again. 

“I think I do know that,” he whispered.

Our love making was awkward and messy and completely ridiculous given where we were – and I don’t think it’ll ever be better than it was that night up by the falcons. 

Not that I don’t fully intend to try. Just not right away.  By the next morning, I was so fucking stiff and sore, I harbored serious doubts as to my ability to finish the damn Ride. But...I knew, just as I knew that Mac would get me down from the damn pinnacle, that he’d get me through the rest of the Liberty Ride, even if he had to find a bicycle built for two to do it.

“Ready?” he asked, both packs on his back.  I considered arguing that I could carry my own pack but then realized, who was I kidding?  I gave Mac a last lingering kiss.

“Ready.” 

We headed down together.

TBC

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