Begin Again

Chapter Five

Liberty Ride 2014; POV/Kyle

“Kyle...what the fuck is going on in your head?”  Justin stormed into the room and barely waited for me to close the door before laying into me.  I leaned back against the closed door and shut my eyes. How the hell did things get so out of my control so quickly?

“When you open your eyes, I’m still going to be here,” Justin’s voice sounded slightly less annoyed.  I let out the breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and peeked at him through one eye.

“Promise?”  I gave me my best puppy dog look.  He held back his smile but I could see that he was wavering. He was shaking his head but he was also walking back to me. I opened my arms wide and welcomed him back into them. I closed them around him to hold him tight against my chest, inhaling deeply the smell of his shampoo as I kissed the top of his head.

He looked up, his face serious again. “Why, Kyle?  Why do you have to act like such a fuckwad sometimes?”  Obviously his letting me wrap my arms around him did not signal the end of this fight, not when the blond in my arms was still in high dudgeon.  I wasn’t all that thrilled with him either but I tried to make sure that both of us weren’t ever pissed off at the same time.

“I’ll try not to take offence at that, Justin,” I said, in my most dignified tone.

His response was to rap me on the head. 

“Hey! Are you going to turn into one of those abusive lovers now?  I’ve seen your kind on Dr. Phil.”

“When do you watch Dr. Phil?” Justin couldn’t hold back his grin any longer.

“The doctors’ lounge,” I told him. “As soon as we’re done watching our soaps, that is, which of course we watch to learn new medical techniques.  We turn on Dr. Phil to keep up on the latest in the field of pseudo-psychology.  There’s quite a need for that in New York City, I’m sure you’ll agree. But, please, tell me you aren’t going to start hitting me. Otherwise, I warn you, I’ll book us on a Dr. Phil Show before your highlights fade! Cute blond artists who beat their lovers and the fabulous lovers who let them. I bet that Debbie lady is the one you got that from, isn’t she?  I saw her giving a few whacks to people today and I knew to stay clear.”  I made a big deal out of rubbing my head. Of course, I didn’t feel anything, but the best way to get around Justin is through his sense of humor. So far, I was striking out from the look on his face, which was still cloudy with the residuals of the temper he’d entered the room with, but I was not known for giving up easily.

“You could use a few of her smacks, Kyle. What I gave you was a love tap. I’m beginning to think it would take a good wallop from Debbie’s biggest ladle to knock some sense into you. Seriously, you’ve been acting like, I don’t know, a caveman or something. I could hardly talk to anyone without you scowling and dragging me away.  I’ve been so looking forward to my friends meeting you and instead...”

“Instead what, Jus?”  I dropped my arms and moved away. So much for not getting pissed off.  “Instead I find that you’re not with your ‘friends’ plural, but with one man, constantly. Every time I looked for you, you were right by his side.”

“You could have ridden with us, you know.”

“Could I have? I noticed that not even his partner stayed back with the two of you, though I’m not surprised, when you were going at such a snail’s pace, people were talking about it. Your old love even lost some bet he was expected to win, apparently just so he could stay back with you.”

Justin turned bright red. Maybe I went too far, but my temper was a bit frayed after the day I’d had. I sat on the bed, and leaned against the headboard. I crossed my arms and did my best to keep my voice level. The walls looked like they’d be thin in this place and the last thing I wanted was for it to get around that Justin and his jerk boyfriend were fighting. I looked at Justin, his blush was starting to fade but he was still standing by the door, battle ready.  I sighed. I really hated it when we fought and if this fight was going to end, it was going to take me ending it. 

“I’m sorry, that was low of me. And I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit...overbearing...especially just now, downstairs. But I didn’t hear you telling that kid that I was your partner and there was nothing to prove, did I?  I trust you, Jus, just as we’ve always trusted each other, but I have to tell you, being regaled with stories of the great love of your life – which, in case you didn’t know, isn’t me to these people – it got to me. So yeah, my worst side surfaced.  I’m competitive...and maybe I get carried away with it sometimes.”  

I looked down at my feet; I was still in the casual clothes I’d changed into when we arrived at the lodge. Jus and I should be changing into suits, not fighting. I looked back up at him. He still wasn’t saying a word, just looking at me, looking hurt.  Somehow, I’d gone from being the one who was mad to being the one who was in trouble and for once, acknowledging the problem and saying I was sorry wasn’t ending it. Just another sign of how out of control this trip was. But, I’d decided to fix things and I wasn’t one to back down when I was wrong – even if I wasn’t convinced I was totally in the wrong.  Mother always said a marriage required both people to give a hundred percent. I’d never known what she meant before I fell in love with Justin. Of course, before Justin, I never had to put in any work to keep a lover. Before him, it never mattered all that much. Now, it was all that mattered, damn it.

I smiled coaxingly at Jus.

“Listen, I’ll tell that kid, what’s his name, Gus? I’ll just tell him that I wouldn’t dream of competing with his Dad and that other guy, your old boyfriend’s boyfriend, okay?  And I’ll still make a generous donation to the charity – on top of the one we were already making. And I promise to be the slowest rider tomorrow – I’ll pedal backwards if I have to. I just want us to be us again.”  I sounded mournful. Even for Justin, whom I love dearly, I refused to be pitiful. But mournful? That I could do. And it was working, thank God. He was finally walking over to me, a smile back on his face.

“You don’t have to go that far...but having you ride with me would be nice.  It also would be very much appreciated if you would refrain from acting fifteen for the rest of the time we’re around my old friends.”  Justin joined me on the bed.  “I care a lot about Brian. I told you that before. But you’re the one I love now...you do know that, don’t you?” 

I looked at him closely; he seemed to be back to his usual self. I smiled. “I seem to remember you saying words to that effect, oh, once or twice.” 

He tapped me on the head again – harder this time – but I laughed as he pulled me down and rolled on top of me. 

“I guess maybe I’d better say it a little more often if you’re this insecure, Dr. Shapiro,” he teased as he started unbuttoning my shirt. “And I think all you need to do is back off from that challenge. I can’t imagine that Brian or his friend Mac will want to do it. As annoying and insecure as you are...you do strip down well.”

“Moi?  Insecure?  Bite your tongue. Better yet, let me bite it for you.  I'm the most secure man you’ll ever meet,” I insisted, nuzzling my way around his neck.  “Speaking of stripping, you have too many clothes on,” I pointed out.

“We both have the wrong clothes on. We need to get dressed for the ceremony. Unless you plan on wearing what you have on, Oh So Secure One.  Me, I’m putting on a suit.”

“I’ll wear slacks and a light sweater...something baggy, then you’ll know how sincere I’m being about not competing,” I grinned.

We fooled around a bit on the bed until we really did have no choice but to get ready.  True to my word, and to Justin’s amusement, I wore a nice pair of Michael Kors slacks and a dark blue D&G sweater, instead of the suit that I’d packed.  From what I could tell from the conversations downstairs, since all of the participants in the Ride were invited to the ceremony, there would be a wide variety of apparel. Justin raised an eyebrow at my choice of apparel but didn’t protest. He merely asked if I was sure I didn’t want to put on my suit.

“I’m good. Why? Don’t I look okay? If you’re ashamed of me...?”  I looked at him innocently.

“Can it, Kyle, that won’t work with me. You know you look fabulous in anything, and that blue makes your eyes look like sapphires.”

I smiled at him cheerfully and gestured for him to go ahead of me from the room. Once in the hallway, I put my arm around his waist as we walked toward the stairs to go down to the meeting room on the first floor.  From there, we could get to the deck, which is where we’d been told the ceremony would take place.

As I followed him down the stairwell, I commented, “Let me thank you, Mr. Taylor, for your kind comment about my eyes, I’m rather fond of yours also. But may I say, your ass is looking particularly fetching tonight?”

“You’re a nut,” my loving partner informed me.

“But I’m your nut.”

“So I must like nuts. Nuts with blue eyes,” he agreed, grinning back at me.

My equanimity was a bit shaken when we got to the deck and were greeted by two women who made a huge fuss over Justin.  They turned out to be more of his “close friends” and were that kid’s mothers.  The blonde one, whose heels made her taller than me, was dressed beautifully in a couture cocktail dress.  The shorter, dark-haired one was wearing a tuxedo style suit, which looked good on her.  Looking around, it appeared that most of Justin’s little group had chosen to wear more formal wear, although as I expected, the bikers were wearing everything from khakis to shorts. I felt slightly uncomfortable in my slacks and sweater, although I looked better dressed than most of the men in the room.  I saw our reflection in a mirror and realized how out of place I looked standing with the other three. What in the world had I been thinking?.

As soon as there was a break in the chitchat with the two women, Lindsay and Melanie, I whispered to Justin, “Do you want me to go change into my suit? Being ‘every man’ doesn’t seem to be the right choice – I don’t want to seem disrespectful.”

Justin turned and gave me his bright smile, the one that Debbie lady called his “sunshine” smile. Personally, I often found that he used it when he had mischief in mind.  Not to say that I didn’t love it – I did – I just knew to be careful when he used it.

“Why, baby?  You look fine...don’t you think Kyle looks fine, Mel? He’s concerned about being underdressed for the occasion.”

“You look very nice,” she assured me – in a kind voice that made me grit my teeth – and her wife chimed in, “Don’t worry about it, Kyle. People understand that not everyone would think to bring dressy clothes to an event like a Bike Ride. And once Brian enters the room, it isn’t like anyone will be looking at anyone else anyway.”

I gave them my very best smile and thanked them. Justin hugged me against him with his arm around my waist now.

“Hear that, Kyle?  No one will be paying attention to you – just what you were aiming for.”  

“Yes, Jus, that is such a relief.”  I maintained my smile. But I was thinking that we just might end up on the boyfriend beating episode of Dr. Phil yet.

Now, I’d already admitted that I’d been a bit of a jerk, and Justin and I both knew than humility was not my strong suit. So, in donning the more casual clothes for the service, I really was trying to be nice and not upstage anyone. Kind of like a woman not wearing a white dress at a wedding. One of my sisters did that once and she was shunned by the entire family of the bride for the next five years. Until that bride’s next wedding. But, in all fairness to me, I’d only seen Brian Kinney in biking clothes, and for most of the day, he’d been looking all windblown and sweaty. He looked good that way, but not anything special. So, as soon as he entered the room in what had to be Armani’s latest suit, I felt sand-bagged. The man was breathtakingly beautiful. I stole a glance at my lover, and saw to my dismay that he was staring, transfixed, at his former love.  Quite frankly, I couldn’t blame him. Lindsay was right – everyone was staring at him, male and female. It wasn’t just his looks. He moved with the kind of power and presence that you saw in top power brokers in New York City, but I hadn’t thought to see it in this man.

But this is the man Justin walked out on, I reminded myself. Nine years ago, when Kinney was in his prime. I knew I was kidding myself though, if I pretended this man was in anything but his prime now.  Still, it made me feel better to remind myself that Justin had left him when he must have looked at least as good, if not better, and he was with me now.

“Excuse me,” someone behind me said and I shifted to the side automatically.

“Thank you, Kyle. Lindsay, Melanie, Emmett told me to lead you to your seats. Gus was supposed to do it but he’s busy practicing his reading one last time.”  I turned to look at this man who knew my name – and the kid’s mothers – and couldn’t remember meeting him. He was also well-dressed, in a Hugo Boss if I knew my designers, and I did, and he had the perfect build to set it off, wide-shouldered, but slim, a little taller than my own height, with brown hair and startling green eyes. Who the hell was he?

“Mac!  So good to see you again. So you’ve met Kyle and Justin?” Lindsay gave the guy a big hug, which he returned, and then he shook hands with Melanie. He smiled briefly at Justin and me.

“We all met at the beginning of the Ride, and then Kyle and I kept running into each other here and there during the ride. He’s one of our fastest riders, kept the rest of us on our toes. But, we’d better talk later, if I don’t have you in your seats promptly, I’ll have the wrath of Emmett to contend with.”

I’d always heard it took less muscles to smile than to frown. I decided, as my face muscles began to ache from the effort of keeping a smile on my face, that whoever came up with that nonsense never had to sit through some total strangers’ wedding ceremony, or renewal of their vows ceremony, whatever the hell they wanted to call it, while underdressed and totally out of place. Plus, I had the pleasure of having the Brian Kinney fan club seated right behind me, and they persisted in discussing every detail of his looks, sexual prowess and accomplishments in stage whispers throughout the whole ceremony.  As a counterpoint to that, I had Melanie, the dark-haired mother, giving a sotto-voiced rejoinder to every comment made, which served to only emphasize Kinney’s stud credentials as far as I was concerned.

And then there was the bird man, Mac, who’d been a pain in my backside all day during the Race, as he’d kept showing up by my side, asking if I needed anything, was I planning on keeping that pace as they wanted to know what pace to set for the water stations, etc. All of that sounds nice as hell, except that I was riding all out, trying to stay ahead of everyone, and he kept catching up to me like it was nothing! I couldn’t help noticing that he was doing a back and forth between me and the other riders at the front, and the riders spaced out along the route. So, while we all biked a hundred miles, he must have biked another twenty at least on top of that and looked perfectly fresh at the finish. 

During the vows, I felt Justin take my hand. His lips brushed my ear.

“I do love you, even if you are an ass, Kyle Shapiro. And you look adorable when you pout.”

I squeezed his hand with mine even as I replied, through clenched teeth. “I’m not pouting, I’m smiling.”

He just laughed to himself.

During the buffet, while everyone was mingling, I felt better to see that Kinney and his boyfriend had gone back upstairs to change as they reappeared in jeans and sweaters.  They sat down at our table, where Lindsay and Mel also sat, along with Emmett, the boy Gus, and the grooms’ son, Hunter. Mel and I’d been comparing notes, and had discovered a second cousin in common on our mothers’ sides, which Hunter seemed to find very amusing. He struck me as someone who found most things amusing.

“So, Justin, when I set up the microphones for your karaoke performance, what songs should I get ready for you and your handsome man?” Hunter asked Justin shortly after Brian and Mac sat down. 

“Justin’s partner’s name is Kyle...it really isn’t nice to objectify someone just because they’re good-looking,” Lindsay pointed out earnestly.

Before Justin could jump in with something on the order of, “but he likes to be an object of lust,” I smiled and said, “I’m sure Hunter doesn’t mean anything by it. It’s difficult to remember names.  It took me half the day before I realized that ‘hey Mac’ didn’t mean just anyone.” I looked at the quiet man, who was eating one of the vegetarian dishes – no surprise there, I thought, amused. “I didn’t realize you were one of the Race organizers. I’m sorry if I seemed to give you a hard time today.”

He smiled at me. “Well, maybe part of the problem arises from the fact that I’m an organizer for the Liberty Ride. It really wasn’t planned as a serious race...although it did turn out to be one today. You made it quite the competition.”

I bit my tongue.  I’d just misspoken, but how to explain that without looking like more of an ass? Justin came to my rescue.  “Well, Kyle is naturally competitive in everything he does. Not everyone can understand that type of drive. But it’s served him well – he’s been named Chief of Surgery at Metropolitan Hospital, the youngest ever.”

While most of the people at the table started to congratulate me, led by Emmett and the women, I saw Hunter and Gus look at each other and laugh.

“Is that funny somehow?” I asked stiffly.

“Well, no, Dr. Shapiro, it’s great that you’re Chief of Surgeons, or Surgery, or however you say it, but it was funny to think of Mac as not competitive.”

“Gus....” Mac spoke quietly but firmly.

“No, I’m sorry. Gus is right. I should ask, Mac, do you ride competitively?  You obviously were biking circles around the rest of us.” I felt like I was being magnanimous.

“A bit,” he said, leaning back in his chair.

It was Brian Kinney’s turn to laugh. He’d been quietly listening up to this point, an amused smirk on his face. “Oh, I’d say Mac’s a bit competitive, as in competing in the Iron Man triathalon, and placing in the top five in the Corestates bike race, and....”

“Brian, there is no need to....”

“Well, I’m sure a college professor has much more time for a hobby like that,” Justin jumped into the fray.  He pointed out, “A surgeon, on the other hand, has to work pretty long hours, so he has less time to train. Kyle is a graduate of NYU and Columbia, you know.”

“We know. He told us before, remember? But when was he at Columbia? Weren’t you there, Mac, before you went to Harvard for your PhD?  That’s where you worked with Gould, isn’t it?”  Poor Justin was being double-teamed by the Kinneys now. It would be funny if I weren’t wondering why Justin was getting so annoyed. He’d been annoyed with me for letting the kid get to me, and now he was doing it.  Personally, I wasn’t all that worried about competing with the professor, who studied birds or whatever, but I was glad it was Justin getting caught up in it this time and not me. Next thing I knew, he’d be the one proposing challenges between Mac Williams and me.  Suddenly it struck me why Kinney’s boyfriend’s name had seemed vaguely familiar. It wasn’t just that he went to Columbia when I did.

I looked at Mac more closely as he sat calmly eating. “You’re MacArthur P. Williams, the biologist, aren’t you?”

Emmett and Hunter turned as one to stare at him as they asked, “MacArthur?”

Mac rolled his eyes. “Thanks a lot, now they’ll never let that rest.”

“What’s so big about him being MacArthur instead of just Mac?” Lindsay asked.

Kinney smirked at her. “Because MacArthur is likely to win the Pulitzer Prize in science...Mac forgets to comb his hair.”

“I combed it today...twice,” the man in question protested mildly. He looked at Lindsay. “I was fortunate enough to work with a very gifted, very brilliant man, a paleontologist and evolutionist, when I was still an undergrad at Columbia. I not only learned a lot with him as my mentor, he helped me make excellent connections at Harvard.  But my real love is natural history and I write in that field. MacArthur is a family name and because I promised my mother, I use it as my pen name.”

“Tell them what the P stands for,” Kinney suggested, a gleam in his eyes.

“Not on your life,” Mac told him. “And you won’t either if you know what’s good for you.”

“Life Lessons from the Lakes – I’ve read your book!” Melanie interjected. “Fascinating work.”

“Thanks,” was his comment. But he quickly changed the subject, asking Melanie a question about her daughter, who apparently had been left home in Canada with friends.

“So, now that we have all that sorted out...when is the strip and sing challenge starting?” Hunter asked, grinning widely.

I started to make my agreed upon concession, when Justin kicked me under the table and said, “As soon as you have everything set up.  That is, assuming Brian and Mac are sure they’re game. It’s all in good fun, after all...and for a good cause.”

“Jus...” I spoke low as I tried to get Justin’s attention, but he was completely focused on Kinney, who was looking at him just as intently.

“So, you want to take us on, Sunshine?” Kinney asked softly, a smile playing around his lips. “Think you two can handle the competition?”

Justin stuck his chin out. Boy, did I know that look. If it wouldn’t have gotten my balls ripped off as showing a sign of weakness to the other side, I would have been banging my head on the table at this point. I might be competitive, but when Justin got in one of these moods, he was insane. He’d strip down to his birthday suit in front of this entire crowd to see who had more freckles if he thought he had to do it to prove something.

I just wish I knew what he was looking to prove at this point.  All I did know was that there was some game going on with him and Kinney right now, and I felt powerless to stop it. My only role seemed to be to play along, ride it out, and see who was left standing at the end.

******************************************

I looked out past the deck’s edge. It was dark, but by the moonlight I could see a solitary figure sitting on a picnic table set off under the trees. I walked down the steps and over to where the man sat.

“Mind if I join you?”

Mac Williams looked over his shoulder at me.  He seemed to hesitate but then shrugged and pointed to the table.

“Sure, there’s plenty of room. I warn you, I’m not very talkative.”

“I’ve picked up on that.  And you’ve no doubt picked up on the fact that I am. But...” I paused, thinking about how to phrase what I was about to say, “I really didn’t intend for this whole competition thing to get out of hand. The conversation at dinner, the karaoke...it makes it seem...makes me seem like I’m out to cut your throat or something and I’m not. I think you’re a really nice guy. Hell, you’re one brilliant guy, and on top of all that, you’re hot too. Who would have guessed you looked like that without your shirt?”

I smiled at him and he returned it, if a bit ruefully. “I only hope that no photos were taken, or I can just imagine Ben’s and my first faculty meeting when we get back after spring break. It was bad enough that so many colleagues and students were here.”

“So why did you do it?” I asked.  He gave me a look, and I hurried to explain. “I mean, I know I kind of instigated the whole thing, but, that’s me. I’m a bit of a show-off that way. And when Kinney’s son challenged me, I just had to shoot off my mouth. But you? I’m not credited with having a lot of sensitivity but I can tell that strutting your stuff while singing, ‘I Am What I Am’ is not your usual thing. I’m perfectly happy, though, to let this whole stupid male ego, competition thing go if you are. We have no need to be competing with each other.”

He said dryly, “Ah, but you see, we aren’t competing with each other – did you think we were?  I’m not  your competition, doctor. Your competition has been coming from an entirely different direction while you’ve been cycling like a maniac and flexing your toned muscles – and if I didn’t return the compliment, let me say you also look very good without a shirt and more than that, can sing far better than I do. But that wasn’t the point of this whole little escapade.”

I was impatient with his wiser than thou attitude. “Well, explain it to me then. I’m a surgeon, remember. We’re not the brains of the medical world, we’re the beauty.”

He laughed. “I think anyone with your credentials can lay claim to both. But, the way I see it, we’re both competing with a memory. Not what actually was between Brian and Justin, but the memory of what was there. I suspect that in both their minds, time has softened all the rough edges and left only the good times, and in this brief pocket of time, they’re remembering each other at their best. It can make for a powerful attraction. You and I were performing, and the audience loved it, but for Brian and Justin, it was all about each other.”

My instincts told me he was right. “Starting tomorrow, I’m riding with Justin, no more hotdogging.”

Mac laughed softly. “Well, you could do that, but if you want my advice, that is the last thing you should do.”

I frowned, frustrated. “How else should I act? You’re telling me they’re having this idyllic trip down memory lane. Am I supposed to sit back and wait until they fall into bed together?”

I knew that Justin and Kinney had what he called an “open” relationship but we sure as hell didn’t. I was upset at the idea of him being with another man, especially Kinney.

Mac touched my arm. “I don’t think they’d do that. I don’t know Justin but I know Brian and whatever he used to be like – no, he wouldn’t do that. But, my point is, acting like people we’re not isn’t the way to win this. We need to be clear about what we want, but in our own ways. That means being the you that you normally are, not some apologetic version of yourself. And I need to be myself also, whom Gus and Hunter reminded me can be competitive when necessary, but in my own way.”

“So this means?” I prompted.

“We stay away from them tomorrow. Let them have another hundred miles in each other’s company. Then, afterward, for the camp-out, we should be prepared to show them why we are the ones who are right for them. You for Justin and me for Brian.”

“I hate camping out,” I told him.

“And is Justin so fond of it?” he asked, his eyes alight with humor. I began to catch on.

“No, MacArthur, Justin has never successfully made it through a night of camping out. I begin to see your plan. I trust that you already have something in mind for your quarry?”

He smiled; it really was a very attractive smile, I realized with some surprise. “Brian will love camping when I’m done with him,” he assured me. 

Maybe this trip could be salvaged after all.

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