Begin Again

Chapter Four

 Liberty Ride, 2014, POV/Mac

“Mac!  You heading back to the lodge soon?”

I looked over to where Gus was heading down the slope that led down to the lake. I had to grin. Brian’s boy looked so much like him but he definitely was his own man. Brian was Armani and Prada, Gus was Land's End and Timberland. And while his lawyer mother had dreams of him following in her footsteps, I sensed a kindred soul in his keen interest in the animal world that surrounded us. I knew Brian would support him, whatever his eventual career path; I could only hope his Moms were as understanding.

I waited until he was crouched next to me before I answered. And even then, I didn’t answer directly, I simply pointed out over the lake and handed him my binoculars. He looked through them for a few minutes in silence, and then gave a low whistle.

“I see it...it’s funny looking but it’s beautiful in a way too,” he said, his voice hushed. I smiled out over the water.

“Yeah, that about sums up the loon. If we listen carefully, we might hear its voice, which is one of the most distinctive and special of the birds you’re likely to see out here in the Great Lakes region.”

We crouched side by side and within about five minutes, the loon we were watching started “singing”, a loud wailing sound, which I told Gus simply meant he was talking to the other loons; it was too early in the season for him to be looking for a wandering youngster who’d gone astray.

“Now when they sound like they’re laughing, they’re actually sounding an alarm or are frightened. A bit counter-intuitive.”

“They laugh in the face of danger, huh?” Gus smirked at me and he looked so much like his dad I had to crack up laughing. My bad mood, which is what had sent me out here rather than inflicting it on Brian and Gus, was pretty much gone. I tousled his auburn hair, which he wore down to his collar.

“Maybe that’s why they’re called loons,” I suggested, tongue in cheek.  I glanced at my watch and held back a sigh.

“I guess we do need to catch one of the buses back to the lodge soon.  Did you come looking for me for any particular reason?”  

“Just wanted to see what you were up to. You’re usually doing something more interesting than the others, who just talk all the time. And that old friend of my Dad’s? Justin? It got a little awkward when his boyfriend showed up.”

I told myself I was not going to pump Gus for information about whatever little scene occurred between Brian, Justin and the model perfect Dr. Kyle. Of course, if the boy just wanted to chatter on, well, it wouldn’t be kind to stop him – yeah, that’s what I told myself. It’s a wonder I even speak to myself, I am so full of it sometimes. To Gus, I just made a noncommittal sound and looked out over the water at the lonely loon, singing his song, no doubt hoping another loon would come along and join in.

“Yeah, I didn’t realize who it was at first, just thought it was some great looking guy so I made some lame comment. Ever do that? You choose exactly the wrong moment to comment on some girl...or guy...well, you know.”

I looked over at my young companion and realized that he seemed to have a bit more on his mind than he could handle. It was hard to tell with Gus being so tan, but I thought I detected signs of a blush.   He needed my full attention. Figures, I thought, looking at the boy fondly. He had three parents just dying to have this kind of confidence shared with them and I’m the one he chose. We’d become close over the past couple of years, since he spent school vacations and a large part of the summers with Brian and me. I liked to think I’d helped influence his interest in science, although he’d proven to be naturally gifted in the field.  But this? This was parent territory and not something I’d ever trained for. I turned back toward the lake and chose my words carefully.

“I do know...what it is to feel awkward around people, especially new ones. Brian is always so confident and assured, it can make a person feel even more awkward in comparison,” I suggested, taking a stab in the dark. 

He nodded eagerly. “Exactly! Mama and Mom are the same way, well, kind of. There’s no one quite like Dad, is there?”  We grinned at each other – there was no denying that, Brian Kinney was one of a kind.

I spoke confidently to his son, “But you have your own measure of charisma and presence, Gus. Don’t doubt it. Just give yourself time to grow into it. I’m sure even your dad at fifteen wasn’t quite ready to take on the world, even if he had to. You’re lucky in that you can enjoy being a kid with parents to take care of you – enjoy it. Even if it means putting your foot in your mouth sometimes. It’s when you’re my age and still doing it that it’s more of a problem.”  I smiled at him and he gave me a look back that was pure Kinney.

“You?  Mac, you are the quietest man I know. Of all of Dad’s friends, you’re the one who always seems so smart, sitting back and watching the others. I never hear you say the wrong thing.”

I nodded thoughtfully. “Well, that’s the trick I use. The less I talk, the less chance I have to say the wrong thing. But, I’m sure no one took too much notice of your comment. Dr. Shapiro is a very striking looking man; it’s hard not to comment on it.”

“I guess. I just felt I had to say something.  Justin and Dad had fallen into one of those awkward seeming silences, you know?  Although I should have known that Dad would immediately look at me like I’d given him one of those good news, bad news scenarios.”

“How do you mean?” I asked. Gus was grinning a bit now, his mood lightening.

“Well, I think he took my comment to mean that I was gay, which would have been the good news, at least to him, so he starts to grin, but then there was this moment when you could see him glance from me to that Dr. Shapiro guy, and his face just went frozen – instant bad news.”

I laughed with Gus – hard. I could just picture Brian’s expression – or rather, his lack of one – if he thought his precious son was attracted to Dr. Perfect from New York City. I wasn’t sure how much interaction Brian had already had with the guy, but riding at the front, where he’d been very much a presence, I knew that I was ready to throttle him. And I was a lot more easy-going than Brian. I shook my head in amusement.

“So, did you disabuse your poor father?  Assuming you’re not attracted to the good doctor.” I raised an eyebrow.

Gus smiled. “To tell you the truth, I can see that he’s really good looking in a movie star kind of way, but he doesn’t do anything for me...and neither do most guys. I’m probably the only kid in the world who’s hesitant to tell his parents that he’s not gay.”

“Why is that do you think? I know Brian just wants you to be happy.”

“Yeah, and my moms say that too. But did you ever notice how they never make friends with straight people?”

Huh, I thought, the kid had a point. I looked back into those familiar hazel eyes, which looked so uncharacteristically anxious.

“Well, I can’t speak for your moms, but as for as your Dad, I think part of that has to do with how things were for him growing up. Being gay wasn’t easy, it was downright dangerous at times. Your Dad’s friend Justin almost lost his life to a basher when he was just a couple years older than you, Gus.”

His eyes widened. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty tough story to hear. And even though the laws and attitudes have been improving over the last couple of years, he remembers a time when he felt that all straight people hated gay people.”

“Is that why he’s acting so tight with Justin, because of the bashing?”

Talk about getting out of your depth, Williams. I looked skyward. It was heading toward dusk, we’d really better get going soon.  But – I should answer this question.

“Yes, yes, I think it does,” I told Brian’s son. “That and the fact that years ago, before you moved to Canada, they were very close, in love, almost married, in fact. So it’s only natural that they spend time together and....” I stopped. I sounded lame even to myself. 

Gus was watching me closely. He said carefully, watching my face for a reaction, “I guess that was why Justin’s boyfriend, Dr. Shapiro, was so mad then. He must not have liked the ‘and’ part. Are you mad?”

I heaved a sigh and wondered how to explain this in terms a fifteen year old would understand, especially when I wasn’t sure I understood it completely. “Your Dad has to do what feels right to him, Gus. If he needs to spend time catching up with an old friend, even an old boyfriend, it isn’t for me to try to stop him.”

“Why not?”

As I frowned, trying to think of how to answer, a new loon song came over the water.  This one was loud, undulating, almost like a yodel. I smiled at hearing it. How apropos. I stood up and reached down to offer Gus a hand up. “Come on, we’ll have to hurry to catch a bus or we’ll be biking to the lodge.”

“What was that call? It sounded different than the other one, didn’t it? That wasn’t the one you said sounded like a laugh though, was it?”

“No, Gus. That was the sound of the loon marking its territory, staking its claim.  It’s letting all the other loons know what belongs to it.”

Gus looked at me from under his lashes–the same ridiculously long lashes his father had. I bet they drove the girls at his school wild. 

“So, Mac...is it only birds that do that? Mark their territory?”

I hid my smile as I bumped shoulders with him.  “No, wise guy...many creatures do. If you pay close attention, you can see it happening all around you.  Now come on, I’ll race you back.”

********************************************

Gus and I barely made the last bus back.  I was surprised to see Brian waiting for us, scanning the horizon, his hand shielding his eyes.

“Hey, we’re here,” I called as we ran up.  The bus driver nodded to me and climbed in.  There were a couple of volunteers already inside but Brian was the only other rider. He turned and glared at us, his anger merely a mask for his worry. I felt bad for worrying him.

“Where the hell were you two?  I checked the area around the tents three times and sent a few volunteers out and back on the road on bikes just in case you decided to take a bike ride, though why anyone would take a ride when he’d just finished a fucking long ride....”

I kissed him then tugged on his arm. Gus had already jumped up onto the bus.

“I’m sorry.  I was daydreaming down by the lake and Gus joined me. We got to talking and lost track of time,” I told him as we took our seats.  “We didn’t mean to hold everyone up.”  I glanced back and saw that Gus had found a seat with some of the younger volunteers and was talking to them. I was free to give Brian my full attention. We had the front of the bus to ourselves, except for the driver, who looked to be focusing on the road. I turned in the seat to be facing Brian and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding his head steady with one hand, I kissed him again, doing a more satisfying job of it this time.

“You left me alone,” he complained, when we came up for air. His hands were under my shirt, splayed along my abs and chest. I tugged on his hair slightly to tilt his head back for me to have access to his neck.  I loved kissing his long neck and it was guaranteed to turn him to mush.

“I didn’t leave you alone,” I murmured. “I left you with a crowd...everyone knows that three is a crowd.”  He moaned slightly as I sucked on the tender skin beneath his ear. I felt like a kid, making out on the school bus again. But it was never this much fun making out on the school bus when I was a kid, and my partner was never this hot.

“How fucking long is this bus ride?” Brian whispered, sliding lower in the seat.

“I think only about ten minutes...not enough time to do anything...but kiss.”

I loved kissing Brian.  Before we got together, and I was very scrupulous about ignoring every overture he made while a student in my classes, I used to look at his lips and imagine what they’d be like to kiss, promising myself that the second he was no longer my student I would find out. Other than the technicality of waiting for the exams to be marked – and for him to make it out of the room from taking the final – I did just that. Even now, four years later, I can close my eyes, press close, and simply lose myself in the sensation of kissing him. His smell, his taste, his texture – everything about him arouses me and I can’t imagine ever wanting another man.

Until this trip, I didn’t think I’d have to. I’d been adamant that I was not about to “compete,” to “lower” myself to some sort of primitive level, and “fight” for the man I loved.  Even after Debbie, bless her interfering heart, had tried to convince me that I would have to do something if I wanted to fight off the power of what was “BrianandJustin”, no spaces, I’d remained steadfast in my...my stupidity. Debbie tried to tell me that Brian would feel unloved, unwanted, if I didn’t at least act like I cared. I told her, very stiffly, that Brian was well aware of my love, thank you very much.

Gus made me look at it in a wholly different light, one that me, the biologist, should have seen from the first. Competition is completely natural and wanting to warn others away from your mate – it doesn’t get any more natural than that. So, yes, I was a Harvard and Columbia educated scientist, but did that make me less of a man? The human animal? 

Perhaps Debbie, in all her earthy wisdom, was smarter than I was. By not competing, I was signaling to Brian, and his friends, that I didn’t care. Maybe Kyle Shapiro was coming off a little strong...well, a lot strong...but no one was left in any doubt as to how he felt about Taylor and how he felt about Taylor spending time with Brian. He was a peacock, ruffling his tail feathers and displaying all over the place, being the fastest biker, the showiest rider, and the best bird in the flock. At lunch, we were all treated to his resume, everything from his bachelor’s degree at NYU to his medical degree at Columbia, and even his service with Operation Smile in Southeast Asia.

Meanwhile, what was I?  A birdwatcher who looked good in shorts. As much as I hated playing territorial games, for my man, I would do even that.

Even karaoke.

“I thought you were mad at me,” Brian whispered into my ear. “I am really happy you’re not....You’re not, right?”

I had to laugh at his tone. I looked into his eyes. “I was, but I reconsidered. I will be happy to sing karaoke with you after the ceremony.  I’ll even do it shirtless...we do get to keep our shorts on, don’t we?”

“Yeah, Mikey decided to quit while he was ahead so he didn’t go for the double or nothing.”

“That’s good because I’m not wearing much beneath my shorts, Brian.”

“I remembered that and it did play a part in my not pressing him,” he admitted, tongue pressed against his cheek.  “Some assets I prefer to keep hidden. What do you think of Justin and his partner?”

“They seem very nice.  I haven’t seen much of them. Gus indicated there was a little bit of a spat before he left?”

Brian rolled his eyes.  “A misunderstanding. Justin’s ‘friend’ is very possessive. Incredibly so. You’d think that would drive Justin crazy.”

“Maybe he’s not always like that; jealousy can make people act in unusual ways,” I suggested, leaning back against Brian’s shoulder. He tightened his arm around me, which was nice. I thought with some amusement how I wasn’t the type to start necking on a bus with other people nearby – including my lover’s son – but Brian hadn’t picked up on that so I didn’t mention it.

“Why would he feel jealous?  He’s certainly taken enough pains to tell us all how he’s better than any of us,” Brian grinned, with all the assurance of a man who knew he had no competition.  I grinned back at him – he really was something, Brian Kinney. Maybe by the time he got to Brian’s age, Kyle Shapiro would have his style and panache.  I couldn’t quite see it, but who knew?

We had to hurry once we got back to the lodge to be ready in time for the ceremony. Brian was serving as Michael’s best man and I was Ben’s. As soon as I was dressed, I went down to his room to see if he needed anything. Brian had Michael in our room.  Gus had gotten ready first and Brian sent him to hurry along his mothers.

I knocked on Ben’s door and was welcomed inside. He smiled at me from the dresser, where he was trying to fix his tie.

“Did Brian and Michael kick you out or are you here to tell me about the birds and the bees? I have to warn you, Debbie already covered it pretty thoroughly, even if she doesn’t have your credentials, she makes up for it in...colorful imagery.”  He shuddered dramatically and I laughed. I admired his ability to stay on good terms with his mother-in-law, without going insane. I doubted that I could do it. Hence my book reading at her Sunday dinners. It was rude, but a lot less rude than I’d end up being if I had to pay close attention to much of the conversation, which was amazingly intrusive. I gently moved Ben’s hands away and fixed his tie for him as I answered.

“Brian and Michael are having one of their best friend moments so I thought I’d come along and offer you my moral support. And my stellar bowtie tying skills.”

“Where did you learn those?  I’ve never gotten the knack.”

I grinned at him.  “Well, the boy scouts taught me how to tie the knots, but I can assure you that I’ve put many of them to uses the scout manual never covered.”

Ben gave his hearty laugh. “I can imagine.”

I handed him his jacket. It was a couple sizes smaller than he wore just a couple years ago and the sight of it, and what it might mean, made me sad for a moment. Ben always seemed so big and strong, I forgot most of the time that he was positive. Same with Hunter. But he’s lived with it for about fifteen years now.  Survived.  I thought back to when he told me; it was just after we’d met at a faculty meeting. I was speechless, not knowing what to say. So, as I so often do, I said nothing. I just nodded acknowledgment and let Ben decide whether to talk more about it or change the topic. He told me it was one of the best reactions he’d ever gotten.  The Mac Williams way. Say nothing rather than something stupid. But sometimes, I reflected, to say nothing is stupid...you do have to speak up.

“Ben...was there ever a time that you felt jealous of Brian and Michael’s friendship?”

He looked at me in the mirror, his handsome face amused.  “Only about once a week or so – I’m much better than I used to be. Back in the early years of our marriage, it would still be once a day, and before that? We’re talking multiple times a day.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “Wow...did the two of them spend that much time together?”

He gave a wry smile. “It wasn’t so much the time they spent together as the feeling that time spent with Brian was always more special to Michael.  Times with Brian were...well, ice cream days.”

“Ice cream days?”

Ben sat down in the room’s one chair so I took the edge of the bed.

“Where I grew up, out in the midwest, the small town I lived in didn’t rate having a soft ice cream truck of its very own. We shared one with several other small towns. And for some reason, the driver didn’t keep to a regular schedule. He’d come one day, then you wouldn’t see him for a week and a half, then he’d come for three days in a row. But we put up with it because he had the world’s best soft ice cream cones and he made them super-high, and if you wanted jimmies, he managed to get more jimmies on those cones than seemed possible.”

“So...ice cream days,” I said.

“That’s it, ice cream days. You didn’t know when they were coming, unpredictable, and irritating, and totally wonderful, so that whatever else you were doing, you’d drop doing it to chase after that magical sound of the ice cream truck. That was how Michael reacted to Brian.”

“Ever try to be ice cream yourself?” I wondered.

“No.  Not for more than a moment or two. The thing with ice cream is, it tastes great as a once in a while treat, but it takes a lot of discipline to have it around all the time and not over-indulge in it.”

I smiled at that. Just then, Hunter came flying into the room.

“Hey Dad! Ready for your big moment? Looking handsome and debonair, I see. You too, Dr. Mac, looking good. I see that the suit actually fits and you’ve put your contacts in – decided to audition after all, have you?”  Hunter gave me a knowing grin.

“Hunter, what are you talking about? Audition for what? Mac is my best man, you know that. Are you ready to play the music?”

“Ready, willing and able, oh my Papa.”  Hunter stood bopping on the balls of his feet.  “In fact, I not only will be playing the music for your ceremony, but I’m going to be playing DJ during the second part of the festivities – the karaoke duel.”

“What karaoke duel?” I asked, suddenly afraid I knew what was coming.

Hunter grinned with delight. “Blondie and his Hottie Boyfriend are challenging you and the Gorgeous One to a sing-off...emphasis on the off. To raise money for the charity of course, because lord knows, no one among us has any other motives, but I think the object is to sing songs and take your clothes off...not necessarily in that order.”

“Now Hunter, if this was your idea....” Ben started.

“Not me!” Hunter was quick to assure his father. “It was the baby Kinney. He was talking to the Hottie, what’s his name?  Kyle?  Anyway, he was talking downstairs and he somehow got to proposing this idea. Has something to do with loons, don’t ask me, but Mac, you’re in for a fun night. Hope you layered that look.”

“What did Gus mean?” Ben asked, bewildered.

“He means that anyone who falls in love is a loon,” I sighed to the happy groom.

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