Better Friends and Lovers

Chapter 17

(Setting: Liberty Diner; Monday Morning, after Mother's Day; POV/Justin)

"SUNSHINE! Lemme look at you! Get that cute little bubble butt over here and give me a hug!"

Deb yelled my name as soon as I walked in the door, the little bell sounding to let her know someone was coming in. I fleetingly considered running back out again, but it was too late, she had me in one of her bone jarring hugs. I didn't see any of the gang around so unless Kiki came over and used the jaws of life, I could be a goner.

"Deb, hey Deb, I need to breathe a bit, let go, Deb," I gasped, trying to nicely jostle my way clear. I loved Debbie with all my heart, but sometimes that lack of control got old. My own mom didn't go nuts over seeing me like that. At that thought, I felt bad for resisting Deb's affection, when in truth, hers was the most enthusiastic welcome I'd gotten. My own mother just quizzed me at length about my relationship with Edward, about whether I ever planned on getting my degree, and even about whether I felt I was being fair to Brian! But the icing on the cake was when she insisted on bringing her boyfriend along to lunch with us for Mother's Day, which was supposed to be my treat. I didn't mind the extra mouth, obviously, but I did mind not being able to enjoy my mother to myself, well, with the Mollusk too, of course, on a day that was supposed to be about mothers and their children. Then Tucker, as he insisted on being called, tried grabbing the check. Asshole.

By the end of the meal, I'd had enough. I was tired anyway as I didn't get much sleep the night before. Pleading jet lag, I crashed in my old bedroom until late, waking up around nine at night. I hadn't been sure of where to go Saturday night so I had gone back to the loft after visiting with Mom and Molly for a bit, and waited for Brian. I thought we could go to Babylon since I hadn't seen it since it reopened. But he never came home. I didn't see him until Sunday morning, only a little while before I had to leave for brunch with my mom. I wish that exchange had gone better, but I was upset, thinking he'd spent all night with that Danny O'Keefe.

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[Flashback; POV/Justin]

The door to the loft opened with a bang, waking me up. I'd fallen asleep in the expensive leather sofa, waiting for Brian. Well, he was finally home, but looking at my watch, I saw that it was past eight a.m. My chest tightened as I realized that he'd never come home Saturday night. He didn't notice me, walking straight to the refrigerator and grabbing out a water. I thought back to the very first time I saw him in this space, and I almost expected to see him pour the water over his head and chest. The tight feeling moved to my throat as I thought of all that had changed since that night five years ago.

"Rough night?" I asked, proud at how cool and collected my voice sounded. I was screaming on the inside, but nothing showed on the outside. I've learned so much from Brian.

He turned, startled. He looked exhausted. It almost looked as though he'd been crying. But that couldn't be; Brian didn't cry. Certainly not in public.

"I didn't see you there, sorry if I woke you. When did you get in?" He stripped off his shirt and grabbed a wife-beater from a pile of folded laundry on the kitchen counter. The cleaning lady must have been by yesterday during the day.

I guess I should be grateful he didn't question my right to be there. I was beginning to have doubts that I belonged anywhere here in Pittsburgh any more. Thomas Wolfe had it right. You can't go home again. Edward had tried to warn me, but I'd laughed at him. I looked at Brian, trying not to sound whiny, like Michael used to whenever Brian didn't show up as expected.

"Last night. I thought maybe we could do something since I was in town. Obviously you had other plans." Okay, so I wasn't so good at keeping the bitterness out of my voice that time. Brian sighed and came over to sit next to me.

"You knew I was going to the hospital, Justin. Danny's mother had a stroke, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. I just didn't realize visiting hours went all night, however, or did you stay to deliver a little TLC to the grieving son?"

Brian flushed, then sucked in his cheeks in that way he had whenever he was annoyed. He took a deep breath before saying, "Justin, don't be this way, please? Can't we just talk? Or better yet, let me grab a shower and some sleep and then I promise I'll do whatever you want. Right now, I'm so beat all we're going to do is argue and I don't want to do that with you."

God, he was so beautiful. It hurt to look at him, his face so tired, yet as perfect as ever. Brian never looks bad. Me, I miss out on sleep and it shows. I look like a racoon with the dark circles under my eyes. Brian just gets more defined looking, his face all planes and angles. Even as I longed to caress the tiredness away, I found myself responding angrily.

"Why would we fight? There's nothing to argue over. Obviously you haven't been missing me like I've been missing you. I come home from New York and try to spend time with the man I love and who claimed to love me, and I find ..." Brian's eyes flashed and he interrupted me.

"You find what, Justin? That I couldn't drop everything in my life at a moment's notice when you decide to drop in after, what? Six months? I did my best, after all, not to disappoint you, I even fucked you right in front of someone I happen to care about a great deal when you wanted to fuck rather than talk. And instead of going after him as I should have, I stayed with you, trying to talk with you, work things out, leaving him to handle the worse possible thing that could happen to him on his own. But that wasn't enough. I guess I'm always going to disappoint you, aren't I, Justin? Yesterday, I thought that Danny needed me more than you did as he waited for his mother to die. If that is a messed up priority in your mind, why don't you go back to New York and your boyfriend there?"

"Because I love you, and because I don't have a boyfriend there, I told you that yesterday." I couldn't stop my voice from cracking, my eyes filling with tears. He didn't seem to care.

"Oh, that's right, you love me. Why is it your love didn't extend to making time in your busy schedule when I went to see you?" Brian's face was expressionless. It's one of the things I hate about him. He never loses control, even during an argument. Even when I left him standing alone in Babylon and went home with Ethan, Brian didn't lose control. I know it hurt him. I know that he loved me even then, although he wouldn't admit it. But he can't let it show. I'm not like that. I guess I'll never be the best homosexual in the world, like Brian. I care too much.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I made time, as much as I could. I went to New York to work, Brian, not to party and goof off. That was the whole reason for my going, remember? To paint and establish myself as an artist. Just because I couldn't drop everything when you came to town that one time..." He broke in on me again.

"Not once, Justin, every time. Every time I came to see you, you were booked. I was lucky to get a couple hours of your time out of a weekend. Hell, the plane ride took more time than you were willing to spare me. I didn't understand it at first, but then I saw the pictures of you with Simon, and I figured it out. For someone working so hard, you showed up in the society pages often enough."

I felt like a lightbulb went off in my head. "Is that what this is about? You're jealous. You're jealous of Edward."

He threw the empty water bottle at the wall, finally losing his cool. "No, Justin, I'm not jealous. That implies that I feel diminished by that old man, like he has something I don't. I'm disappointed in you. Fooling yourself with that guy. You went to New York to work on your career. So how is it that you ended up pimping yourself out to the first rich guy you found? If that's all you wanted, you could have stayed with me. But I guess my money can't compare to his."

I hit him then. I got one punch in before he grabbed my wrists. I half expected him to hit me back, like he did back in my pink posse days when I insisted on trying out my newly learned fighting techniques on him and got carried away. He's still far stronger than I am. Faster too. But he just held my wrists, looking down at them with a sad expression.

"I told you I didn't want to fight, Justin. Verbally or physically. Please. I'm tired. It was a long night. I don't want to say anything more that I'll regret."

"You practically just called me a whore, Brian, what do you want me to do about that? Just forget it?" I was crying. He sighed and pulled me to him.

"No, Justin, I don't want you to forget it and I didn't mean to suggest you're a whore. I think you may be making a big mistake. There's things you don't know about your mentor that you should. We need to talk. About us, about Edward Simon. Yeah, even about Danny and me. But not now, okay? I just want to go to bed. I'm too tired to even take a shower."

"Can I lie down with you? Just for a little while. I don't have to head to my mom's for a few hours and I have nowhere else to go." I hated myself for asking, for sounding so needy, but part of me kept thinking, if only we could be close physically, the emotional closeness would return too. He looked at me for a moment, then nodded.

"But just to sleep, Justin, nothing else. We need to figure some things out before, well, we just need to figure some things out. I don't think sex is the way for us to do that right now."

I felt a chill, but nodded my head in acceptance. We walked up the steps to the bedroom together. I couldn't help looking back at the keyboard that stood in the window. Danny O'Keefe had cast some sort of spell on Brian and I had to figure out a way to break it. Before Tuesday, when I had to head back. Edward was expecting me.

[End of Flashback]

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Between my mom's Mother's Day lunch and catching up with Molly, Sunday was a lost cause. When I called the loft last night after waking up, no one answered. I thought maybe Brian was with his "friend" again so I didn't just go over. Even his cell phone went right into voice mail. He called me back later, saying he'd forgotten to turn his phone back on after being in the hospital. I still thought he was probably with that Danny until he mentioned that he covered for me at Debbie's. Shit, I forgot all about the Sunday family dinners. He told her I wanted to spend Mother's Day with my own mom, so she was okay with not seeing me yet, but it was clear he thought I should have gotten in touch with Deb. Nothing I do seems to be right. That is when he suggested we meet at the diner today, which didn't leave me much room to suggest I come over then and spend Sunday night with him. At least Debbie was glad to see me.

"You look great, Deb! And happy Mother's Day, sorry about dinner. I thought I'd better spend the day with Mom, you know how it is." I gave her my biggest smile. She hugged me again, mercifully keeping it a brief one.

"Of course, baby, I understand. You belong with your own mother on Mother's Day. I think it's wonderful that you came back in time for it. And what's this I hear about you and your own show? My little Sunshine, a New York artist with his own show! I remember when you were just a busboy, getting pinched in the ass for tips," she laughed.

I was surprised she knew about the show. I guess Brian told her. In between the arguing, I had told him but he was too busy questioning Edward's motives to be happy for me. Debbie asked Kiki to cover for her and sat down with me while I waited for Brian. I told her all about the gallery, and my studio. It was such a relief to talk to someone who was on my side. Then she brought up Brian and his "friend," getting that serious look on her face that she gets sometimes.

"So, I heard it through the ‘gayvine' that you met Danny. And that he got an eyeful of you and the asshole having your reunion fuck. Are you okay?"

I felt my eyes tear up a little at her concern. Up until now, everyone seemed to be worried about "poor Danny," the guy fucking my boyfriend, or fiancé, or former fiancé, or whatever the fuck term you want to use. My Brian.

"Hey now, Sunshine, no need to get upset. It will work out, you just ride it out. Brian must have made it clear to him that with you back like you are, he's back to being just a friend. And he's really not a bad kid, he's the one who sang at Vic's funeral service, you know. He's just a bit too cocky for my taste. But he's a good kid, he just can't hold a candle to you, you're the one Brian loves. After all you two have been through, you're destined to be together. And now that you're home again ..."

I stopped her there.

"Deb, I really appreciate your support, I do. But I'm not home to stay. You said yourself, I have a show coming up. I have to go back and prepare for it." She looked at me, a bit taken aback.

"Well, yeah, but you can paint anywhere. Shit, you used to work on stuff between customers here. I figured now that you made your connections and lined up a show, you'll come back and paint or draw or whatever. Isn't that why that fancy house in West Virginia has that big studio? For you to work in, making your masterpieces?" I shifted, uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to explain this to her. She looked so disappointed.

"Well, yeah, but we all knew that when I went to New York, I'd be living and working up there. That New York City is the hub of the art world on the East Coast. And I can understand it, there's just so much energy in the City. I've never been so productive, Deb, and everyone's been great to me."

"That's great, Sunshine, it really is," she looked down at her hands for a moment before looking back at me, her smile back. "So, how long are you here for? A couple of weeks? How soon can you come to dinner? I'll invite the gang, and your mom, and make all of your favorites!"

"God, I'd love to, Deb, but I have to head back tomorrow. This was only a quick visit to see everyone and tell them about my show. I wanted to be able to do it in person, you know? But, I'll try to get down again before the show, or maybe you and Carl could come up? I'll show you the sites." She was making me feel awkward, giving me that steady look of hers.

"Well, that would be fine, Sunshine. Maybe Carl and I will just do that. Your show is in the fall, isn't it? So you're going to be busy until then, but then you'll be back home? That's not so bad."

Fuck. This was going down hill. I couldn't help feeling annoyed although I didn't let it show. What part of going to New York to live and work didn't everybody understand? I tried to be patient as I explained.

"Well, no, Deb. I'm working in New York now. So I'm going to be there for awhile, it takes more than a few months to establish yourself as an artist. Plus, I have so much to learn."

"Well, honey, it's been more than a few months. By the time of your show, it'll be going on a year. But I understand, you're young, this is your big chance, isn't it? I guess you're studying with some big time artist and making lots of young artist friends, huh?"

"Well, right now I've been too busy creating to do much of anything else, but once this show happens, then yeah, hopefully I can see about studying with someone. And yeah, I'm making some friends, it's hard when you work as much as I do but I get out some."

"Uh huh. Well, it's great to see you, kiddo. You meeting someone now or should I take your order?" She stood up and grabbed out her pad.

"Deb, you're not mad at me, are you? I don't think I could stand it if you were to get mad at me, too." She looked down at me, her face softening.

"Nah, I'm not mad, baby. You boys grow up, I know that. Hell, if I had a nickel for every kid who passed through here on his way to bigger and better things, I'd be a rich woman."

"It's not like that, Deb, I just have to focus on my work right now, once things settle down ..."

I trailed off. Once things settled down in New York, I hoped to be studying somewhere in Europe, France or Italy. Or maybe go to California again. Pittsburgh was home, but there was so much to do before I wanted to think of settling down. While I was trying to think of the best way to put this, Brian walked up. He gave Deb a kiss on the cheek and sat down. I didn't warrant a kiss, apparently, but at least he looked better rested. The question though, was in whose bed he got the rest. I knew I was being hypocritical. After all, I was sleeping with Edward on a regular basis, but there was a world of difference between what was going on with Edward and me and what Brian had going on with that long-haired piano player. Or singer, or whatever he was. At least he was getting me over the awkward patch with Debbie.

"So, why the long face, Deb? Did Sunshine here refuse to eat half the menu for you? I'm sure it's nothing personal, just that teen-age metabolism finally slowing down." He smirked at me.

"Hey, I can still eat everything I want, old man! I was just being polite and waiting for you." I smiled at him. It almost felt like old times, especially when Deb's loud laugh joined in.

"Using such language, Sunshine! I'm surprised at you. We don't say the "o" word around here, you know that. Nothing scares the queens away more than being reminded that time is catching up on them. But this asshole, he's forever young, didn't you get the memo?" She grinned affectionately at Brian, but cuffed him on the head anyway.

"Hey, what's that for?" he complained, rubbing his head.

"For not keeping Justin here. Did you know he was heading back to New York tomorrow?"

"Yeah, Deb, I knew, but he's a busy boy. And no doubt a hungry boy if he's been waiting for me, so how about we order and then you can yell at me some more?"

After we put in our orders and Debbie moved away, we just sat there looking at each other. Finally, I decided to start.

"Brian...."

"Justin...."

We both laughed then he waved at me to go on. I inhaled sharply, then started again.

"Listen, I'm sorry that I didn't make more time for you w hen you visited. And that I haven't been able to get down more, and...." He looked like he was going to interrupt but I stopped him.

"No, let me finish. I realize now I haven't been very considerate, I got caught up in what was going on in my new life, but I never meant to make you feel like I wasn't just as committed to our relationship as ever. I love you, Brian. I have since the first night I met you, and I always will. If you want me to come home, I will." I looked at him steadily, all the time scared shitless he would say yes, he wanted me to come home. Good-bye New York City, good-bye one man show. He looked me in the eyes for a few minutes, then smiled faintly.

"You are terrified that I'm going to say that's what I want. I can see it in your face, you never could fool me, Justin. And how long would it be before you hated me for killing your chances? Isn't this the same conversation we had last fall, when you first decided to go away?"

"I didn't realize I'd be losing you forever if I did." I couldn't help the tears that threatened to fall. Brian sighed and moved over to my side of the booth.

"You can never lose me, Justin, just as I'll always have you, in some way. But, are you saying you want us to be monogamous? As I recall, you rejected that idea as even a possibility for me before you left. You wouldn't even want a monogamous Brian Kinney is what you said. And what about you? Are you going to give up other men except when we can be together? Won't that be a bit of a surprise to your mentor?"

"Edward isn't only supporting me because we fuck, Brian."

"I didn't say that was the only reason. How could it be? You're a fantastic artist. But are you so sure it's not part of the reason? This guy has a history, Justin. Are you sure it's the best thing for your career to be involved with him? I know you and your talent, but what are other people going to think?" The hazel eyes looked at me steadily.

"I can't believe it, Brian Kinney worrying about what other people think! Didn't you always teach me not to worry about other people and their little minds. If I know that sex isn't behind Edward's interest in me as an artist, who gives a fuck what other people think?"

"Because you're young and just starting out, Jus, and it does matter if people think you're making it on your own, or whether they think you're some dilettante with a rich boyfriend. In order to get this quick start, you may be setting yourself back irretrievably in the eyes of some people who matter when Simon decides he is in the mood for a new flavor of the month."

"What the hell? I'm trying to work something out with you and you keep coming back to that, the same old insults. You said last night you weren't calling me a whore, it sure sounds like it." Damn, I was pissed off at him. He grabbed me hand.

"Justin, listen to me. I'm not trying to make you angry, I'm trying to make you think."

"Because stupid Justin, he's too naive and inexperienced to know when someone is using him? God, Brian, when are you going to stop seeing me as this teen-age boy you have to rescue all the time and give me credit for being able to make my own decisions?"

"No, but you aren't as..., forget that. You are smart, you are savvy. But you trust people, and not everyone is worth trusting. Hell, hardly anybody is."

"After all, I trusted you that first night, huh? You're just proving my point. You still don't see me as an adult."

He waited while Debbie put our food down. She just looked at our set faces and left without saying more than, "Enjoy." I wasn't sure whose side she was on at this point. I know she was listening to every word, despite our efforts to keep our voices down, both of us kept getting louder. I jumped in before he could say anything.

"None of this has anything to do with the fact that after fighting me on even acknowledging we had a relationship, somehow within a couple of months of my leaving you're involved with someone new? I may be sleeping with Edward, but what are you doing? From what I can tell, this guy is moved into the loft, complete with his kid. What do you even know about him? Did you know he was known as the ‘Dark Angel' up in New York? That he fucked up so badly he had to come crawling home with his tail between his legs." Brian's eyes narrowed.

"Where did you hear that? Simon actually had the nerve to discuss Danny with you?"

"I asked him about him and he told me all about your precious Danny. He didn't want to work, even when he got shows, he just wanted to have Edward support him, and do him favors. Edward doesn't operate that way, Brian, which is why I trust that he really believes in me. He refused to foster your Danny's career and get jobs back for him that he lost when he refused to even show up for rehearsals. That's when O'Keefe stalked him. Edward needed a bodyguard to protect him from him." I paused, the look in Brian's eyes stopping me. He spoke softly.

"And what made you ask about Danny in the first place, Justin? Wasn't that rather strange? That you should ask about someone who hadn't been around your ‘mentor' for years? Something must have made his name come up."

I could feel my face grow red again. I hate this fair complexion. I can't hide anything. I didn't want to tell Brian about Juan's concerns. Or about that story he told. He doesn't know Edward, he'd be sure to believe O'Keefe was the innocent. The man had him so snowed, which wasn't like Brian. Maybe he was so lonely he was prey to this type of scam artist. I tried to be calmer and get the conversation back on track.

"It just came up, I forget who mentioned him first. And Edward told me all about him right away. It seems Edward's been a victim of this guy's stories for years, with all the old queens in the village coming up with one crazy version after another. They even have him being the father of O'Keefe's niece." I grinned, expecting Brian to be amused. He got angrier looking.

"Fuck, I hope not. Briana doesn't need that."

"Briana?" My voice squeaked on the word. "He named his niece after you? How fucking long have you known him?"

"I told you, he's the younger brother of my college roommate, Justin. I've known Danny for fifteen years, give or take. And if there's one thing he's not, it's lazy. He's an amazing musician and dancer, he holds more degrees than Ben, and he's been the primary care giver for his niece almost since she was born. Her mother named her after me, Angel and I were always friends. And for your information, I'm well aware of Danny's nickname. I'm the one who came up with the Dark Angel campaign. His sister was the first Dark Angel; he came along later. If you don't want to take my word, if you think I'm so deluded by loneliness that I can't think straight, ask Ben about him. Ask him about all the charity work Danny does, or ask Emmett what kind of person you think he is. The two of them have become best friends. Or better yet, ask your own best friend. She adores him. Not as much as she loves his brother, granted, but there is no way Daphne would accept anyone calling Danny some kind of deadbeat." I was reeling a bit from these revelations, but at the mention of the brother, I rallied.

"That big ape? If that's the kind of guy Daphne is going for these days, I'm not sure I would trust her judgment on anyone. He was a neanderthal. She must just be going for the body, there was enough of that and I'll admit, they're good-looking, if you like all brawn and no brain."

Brian laughed sharply, a short, unamused laugh. "That neanderthal is a doctor, Justin. Don't judge people by appearances. You weren't really meeting him at his best. How pleasant would you be if your mother ..." He shook his head. "Forget about Jamie, Justin. The bottom line is, I believe Danny, and he's told me about your Edward Simon. What the fuck were you thinking of, to get involved with someone like that? The man is obsessed with Danny, and did his best to made his life hell. Since he can't have him, he has made a practice out of grabbing some new twink each year and making him his ‘angel.' Are you an angel, Justin, is that what this fucking mentor has made you?" He saw my expression.

"You are, aren't you? What the hell! What are you? Blond angel? Bubblebutt angel?"

"It's not funny, Brian. Look, I guess I made a mistake coming down here." I got up to go but with him sitting on the same side, I couldn't get past. He pushed me down and pulled me into his arms.

"Justin, I'm sorry. You're right, it isn't funny. And I know you're smart, but this Simon is a scary guy. You need to make a break from him, before you get hurt."

"Like you hurt me, Brian?" He flinched and let his arms fall. His mask was back on in a second, but not before I saw the pain in his eyes. Good. I wanted him to feel something.

"I just want you safe, Justin. I love you." He spoke so quietly I could barely hear him. But I did.  It disarmed me completely. I wrapped my arms around him and put my head on his chest. I didn't care who was watching.

"Is this it, Brian? Are we over?" I felt the damn tears starting up again. There was a long pause.

"No, Justin," he said heavily, tightening our hug. "But, this long distance, it isn't working for me. I need more than that. I'm not saying I want you to come home, or that I don't love you, or even that I want us to be together someday. But I don't want to trick. And I care about Danny a lot. I can't promise to just sit around and wait, hoping that someday you'll want to be with me again. I'm not the same person I was."

"I don't want you to be. And if you want to keep seeing this, well, your friend, I obviously can't stop you. But will you at least give me another chance? To be there for you more, to spend more time together, either you visiting me or me coming back down. The next couple of months will be busy but after that, I should have more time."

Brian moved me back a bit.

"Listen to you, Justin. Do you think after your big show you'll have more time? I would imagine if it goes well, you'll have less."

"I'm trying, Brian, what do you want from me? You won't let me quit and come home and you won't believe I'll try to be more available. What the fuck do you want?" The damn tears were falling freely and the few other customers in the diner were all staring at me. I was having trouble catching my breath. Damn, in another minute I was going to be in a stupid asthma attack. I tried to calm myself but I felt panicked at the thought of losing Brian.

"I want you happy, baby, that's all I've ever wanted. I love you. And if you want to give it a try, we can. But what is it you want? You give up Simon and I agree not to see anyone more than once? Are we back to our old rules? No names, no repeats? I don't want to go backward, Justin and if that's the only way this will work, then I don't see it working. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just being realistic. I'm thirty-four years old. I don't want to be the stud of Liberty Avenue anymore."

I bit my lip. Giving up Edward hadn't even been a consideration as far as I was concerned. "Edward isn't a threat to us, Brian," I hedged. "You're the one I love. Why do you want me to give up my studio at his gallery and having a show there and..."

"Woah, I didn't say that. You told me his working with you wasn't contingent on you sleeping with him." I fucking blushed again.

"It isn't. But, it's going to seem weird to him. And I don't see the reason for it. I like being with him and he's introducing me to all kinds of great experiences. It's just a mutually agreeable arrangement, Brian. That's all. Would you prefer I was sleeping around?"

"Well, yeah. That's part of it. You're twenty-two, Justin, you should be meeting as many people as possible. And fucking like crazy. The gays in New York are great looking. I know, I've had my share. Instead, you're going from one older man to another even older one. How can you be sure I'm what you want if you never let yourself see what else is out there?"

"I know you're what I want. You're the one who seems to want someone new." I sounded sullen but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about what Danny O'Keefe looked like. I'd never felt insecure about my looks before, I knew men found me attractive, but he was in a class by himself. Kind of like a better looking Billy Crudup. Who would have thought there could be a better looking Billy Crudup? Trust Brian to find him.

"I don't see where this is supposed to be a choice for me, either Danny or you, while you keep your crypt-keeper, Justin. But if it makes you any happier, after our stunt on Friday, I don't think you have to worry about Danny stealing me away from you. I'll be lucky if he speaks to me now that the worry with his mom is over." The hazel eyes were expressionless.

"He'll be back," I predicted. "You're Brian Kinney, where is he going to find better in Pittsburgh?" Brian smiled, as I'd intended. Then he got serious again.

"Listen, how about this? We play it by ear. You now know about Danny, and if he isn't fed up with me for what he sees as my lying to him, I'm going to still see him. And now I officially know about you and your Edward who it's pretty clear you're going to still be with, despite what I say. But, we also try to get together more. We're not partners, Justin. When the wedding was called off, we knew that stage of our relationship, for want of a better word, was over. You left for New York with no strings attached, and I assumed I had none on me. But we're two people who love each other and have gone though a hell of a lot together. We may get through this, and move on to a new stage, or we maybe we won't, but whatever happens, we can agree to be more open, can't we? God, can you believe I'm the one saying this?" He smiled again, more like the old Brian. "My point is, it won't change how we feel about each other. You want to see me, you call me and we'll get together, either here or there. Deal?"

"Deal." It wasn't what I wanted, but it was better than what I'd feared he would be saying today. I'll just have to make a point of seeing him enough that he knows how much we mean to each other. And to let Dark Angel know, Brian wasn't available.

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(Setting: St. Bartholomew's Episcopal Church; Wednesday morning after Mother's Day; POV/Brian)

I entered the Church as part of a big queue. It didn't look like there were many seats left, certainly not enough to accommodate all of the people who were here for Rose O'Keefe's funeral service. The church was a big one but she had been a much loved person in this part of the city. The family alone took up quite a few of the rows. I saw Emmett motion for me to join him, so I excused myself to get around some crying ladies in the aisle, and walked forward to squeeze in next to him. There were still a few minutes before the service was scheduled to start. They were probably waiting to make sure everyone had time to get over from the funeral home who'd attended the viewing that morning instead of going last night.

"Thanks for coming to sit with me, Brian. Danny said I could sit up with the family and keep Daphne company, but I didn't feel right doing that," Emmett whispered. His eyes were all red rimmed. I hoped he didn't expect me to have an extra handkerchief for him. I could just see him crying all over my shoulder. But I bit back the smart-ass comment I would normally make. He was looking at me, clearly having more to say, but I tried to ignore him. I hated being in a church, but even more, I hated being in one for a funeral. Especially one that was going to be as emotional as this one. I could see Daphne sitting up near the front, next to Matt's oldest girl. Briana was between them, standing on the pew and looking at all of the people. Poor kid, she was too young to know what it all meant. Or maybe she was the lucky one. I was a little surprised to see her, as it looked like there were only a few children present. Emmett was talking again.

"Have you talked to Danny?"

"Not really, not since Sunday morning. I went to the viewing last night but there's not much you can do there besides shake hands. He was pretty busy with the relatives, taking his turn in the line to greet people. Why?"

"He's not himself, Brian." Emmett looked worried. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"His mother died, Emmett. Of course he's not himself. He's upset, they all are. Hell, I am, you are, even the fucking mayor's upset. He made note of Rose's death in a speech yesterday explaining why he was canceling something, the town council meeting or something, so he could come here. How did you expect Danny to be?"

"That's just it, he's not acting upset. We went shopping for Briana's dress together yesterday, and he was busy worrying about how she was going to look. He was fussing over it like it was her prom. And he's been doing all these tasks for the funeral, taking care of all of the details the same way, but it's like he's doing them for someone else's mother. He not crying, he's not acting sad, he's just...."

"He's fine, Em. That's his way. He's detail oriented, not to call it anal compulsive. He just wants his mother to have a nice funeral. You should understand that. And if he's obsessing over the details, I'm sure he's just doing what he has to do to get through this. Of course he's upset, even if he doesn't walk around with tears rolling down his face. He was devoted to Rose. How could you doubt that?" I glared at him but he just shook his head at me.

"I don't doubt it, that's why I'm worried about him. He's not acting normally. Try to talk with him today, you'll see."

There was no more time to discuss it. I watched as the priest came in with his entourage. It really was just like a Roman Catholic service. I was surprised to see Danny take the place of the woman who'd been playing the organ music while everyone was getting into the church rather than sitting with the family. I guess he wanted to make sure the music was perfect. He sat quietly as the funeral service proceeded, playing perfectly each time a hymn was called for, his face attentive in between. I didn't want to admit it, but Emmett was right. He looked as though he were a beautiful robot. There was no emotion at all on his face. Even when the priest delivered his homily, talking about the first time he'd met Rose O'Keefe, and he told the story of how she brought the whole family to a new church in support of her beloved son, Danny, that same beloved son just sat, listening as though it were a story about someone else's life.

At the end of the service, it came time for the pallbearers to take the casket, thankfully closed, out to the hearse. The funeral home had done a great job, but no matter what they do, it's still a dead person lying there. I can never understand those people who stand around at a viewing saying how wonderful the deceased looks, how life-like. There is nothing life-like about a person's body after they're dead. Especially after the mortician is done shooting it full of whatever chemicals they have to shoot into it to achieve that "life-like" look.

Danny wasn't one of the pallbearers. Neither was Matt, who was sitting with Mary Kate, who was leaning on him and crying pretty hard at this point. The other brothers stood alongside the casket, along with Danny's uncles. As they waited, ready to walk it out, the priest nodded to Danny, who stood up.

"We'll now hear as Daniel O'Keefe sings his mother's favorite hymn. I ask that you all stand as the casket is brought past your pew. We'll congregate again at the grave site."

Danny started singing. It was the first solo he'd sung throughout the entire service, merely joining in during all of the other hymns while he played. But as they carried his mother's casket out of the church, he sang for her one more time, a capella, one of the Catholic hymns, "On Eagle's Wings."

I tried to hold back the tears, especially since everyone around me was falling apart. But there was just something about his singing; it was the closest I think I'll ever get to hearing an angel sing.

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,

Who abide in His shadow for life,

Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,

My Rock in Whom I trust.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun,

And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

The snare of the fowler will never capture you,

And famine will bring you no fear;

Under His Wings your refuge,

His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun,

And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

For to His angels He's given a command,

To guard you in all of your ways,

Upon their hands they will bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun,

And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

{"On Eagles Wings," by Michael Joncas}.

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(Setting: O'Keefe Family Home; later that day)

Back at the house for the wake, I tried to catch Danny to talk to him but he was everywhere. If there was an old lady who needed a cup of tea or a niece who needed a shoulder to cry on, Danny seemed to be there. I grabbed him on his way to the kitchen.

"Danny, do you have a minute? Can't you sit for a bit and let the others take care of things?"

He gave me his quick smile.

"We can catch up later, Bri. I promised to get my Aunt a plate of food. And then I have to get some cake for Uncle Frank. But as soon as I have the time, I'll hunt you down, okay? I really appreciate you being here."

"Sure, no problem, I can wait. I just want to make sure you're okay." He tipped his head at me, in that way he got from his mother and smiled again, the dimples deepening.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Listen, I have to get this stuff, give me a few minutes."

He dashed off. Fuck, he was acting strange. He wasn't even showing any of the coldness he'd shown me at the hospital. I caught Emmett's eye where he was sitting with Joey's wife and I shrugged. Maybe this was just Danny's way of coping, as I'd told Emmett. But I was going to try to get him alone to be sure. Everyone else either was falling apart, like Mary Beth and Mary Fran, or stoically trying to hold it together, like Matt and Jamie. At least Rose's children were. The extended family was doing that Irish wake thing, where you get all drunk and eat too much food and talk cheerfully about the one who's gone. Even that is normal, the laughing mixed with the crying. But Danny wasn't doing any of those things. He was acting like the fucking caterer.

My thoughts were interrupted by a crash. One of the younger cousins had run through the room as Danny was heading over to his uncle with the plate of chocolate cake. He'd dropped it on the floor, the plate making the noise when it shattered. For a moment there was silence, then everyone started talking again at one time, while he just stood, staring down at the pieces of plate, mingled on the hard wood floor with the dark cake crumbs. He remained frozen, ignoring the voices saying not to worry about it, there was plenty of cake, Bobby apologize to your cousin, where's the broom; all the usual nonsense.

I moved so I could see his face. It was panicked looking. More than that, he was starting to cry. Danny, who I'd never seen cry, was finally crying, struggling without success to hold it in, his breathing coming in gasps. He pushed past everyone to get out of the room, running outside. Fuck. I followed Matt and Jamie after him while behind me I could hear the chatter of everyone discussing it.

I found them in the back yard, Danny being held by his oldest brother as he kneeled on the ground in his suit, great sobbing breaths coming from him. He saw me standing near and looked up at me with those big green eyes.

"She'd dead, Brian, my mother's dead, oh God, I thought, it was a dream, I'd wake up and this would all be over, this nightmare. But it isn't. It really happened. You, mama, all of it. I can't do this anymore, Matt, I can't. I can't..."

Matt rocked the smaller man gently as they knelt together in the dirt. Jamie stood guard over them.

"Maybe you'd better go, Brian," Jamie suggested. His voice was cold, despite the tears that were falling from his own eyes. "You've done enough harm."

"I can't," I told him, then knelt down next to Danny and Matt. "Please, Matt, let me stay with him. Please?"

Matt brushed away his own tears with one hand while he rubbed Danny's back with the other.

"Not tonight, Brian. Give him space. He needs us right now. Why don't you leave and call him tomorrow?"

"Because I promised him I'd never leave him alone, Matt. Please, let me hold him, that's all."

Whatever he saw in my face must have convinced him to give in. Murmuring something to Danny, Matt moved his arms away so I could wrap mine around him. He was shaking, the sobs wracking his body. Matt led Jamie back inside. I could hear him reassuring him that Danny would be okay.

"Brian, take me away from here, please." His voice was so hoarse I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"Sure, Danny, if that's what you want. Where do you want to go?"

"A hotel." I tried reading his face but he pressed it down against my chest.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please, get me away from here. I don't want to go where I have to see anyone or talk to anyone."

I called Emmett from the car, asking him to tell Matt that I was taking Danny away for a bit.

We checked into the Omni, the Westin being out since the staff knew Danny. We made love, Danny insistent on it. I didn't really question it. I could understand as I was familiar with this method of pain management. What I didn't expect was to wake up early the next morning to an empty bed. I checked the bathroom but it was empty. I was about to go check the exercise room, thinking he may have gone there to work out, there not being any dance studio handy. But then I saw his note. The message was short and to the point.

"Goodbye, Brian. It was fun while it lasted, no hard feelings. I guess dreams don't come true after all. Danny."

Fuck.

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