Carpe Noctem

Chapter 5

Justin blinked his unseeing eyes, trying to convey the utter confusion at the information Brian had so freely volunteered. Although he was overjoyed to hear this kind of confession he suddenly thought of Ethan. As much as he wanted to be with Brian he couldn't possibly just walk out on Ethan after all of their time together. When he had asked about him earlier, his mother said that he had been there the night before and had stayed after she had gone to check on Molly. Strangely though Ethan wasn't there when he woke up, instead it was a voice from his past, Brian.

Brian found he was feeling relieved to get his true feelings out in the open. That feeling, however, quickly vanished when he saw the look of sadness wash over Justin's features. Had he been too quick to assume that Justin still felt the same way about him?

Justin slid his hand out of Brian's and sighed. If only Brian had been so forthright when they were still together.

"Brian…I'm with Ethan…" he began but as he said the words he began to doubt them. Now that he thought about it he hadn't heard a thing from his boyfriend during this whole ordeal. Instead there was Brian, having a seemingly ubiquitous presence. As much as he appreciated the attention he began to worry; was he that easily tossed aside, or had something happened to Ethan?

Brian watched as a myriad emotions washed over Justin's perfect features. He always did wear his heart on sleeve, and Brian could see how the sudden realisation that Ethan was nowhere to be found was concerning him.

"He was here." Brian stated to the worried blonde.

Justin looked briefly relieved then perplexed. If Ethan knew that Justin was in the hospital why wasn't he here now?

"Is he here now?" he asked, then remembering that Brian was here, "Did you do something Brian?"

"We did talk" Brian replied.

"You spoke?" Justin asked incredulously. "What about?" He was suspicious of his lover and his ex being so familiar.

"You." That was not the response Justin had wanted to hear. Brian watched as Justin sank back into the thin hospital pillow. He could only smirk to himself, knowing Justin assumed the worst. Who wouldn't? Remembering Justin couldn't see the smirk wiped it from his face and he began to fess up.

"We talked about the one thing we have in common, and that happened to be you, and how much you mean to both of us."

"If I mean so much to him, then where is he?" Justin exclaimed, finally voicing his concern.

Brian looked at the defeated blonde in front of him thoughtfully. What was it about Justin that made him want to bare his soul? He figured that with all the rest of the confessions he'd made today why stop?

"He left after I told him that I'd fight for you. I gave him my word that I'd take care of you." Brian still couldn't really comprehend why he was allowing all of this information to spew so freely from his mouth. Although when he saw the blonde smiling in his direction he had a pretty good idea.

"You really said that? To Ethan?'"

"Yeah."

"I think maybe I should get you committed." Justin said with a grin.

Brian laughed; glad to see that Justin was in relatively good spirits, or at least good enough to poke fun at his mental health.

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The next few days were all monotony for Justin. He was still in the hospital, since the doctors were still trying to assess his situation. His mother and Daphne came and visited everyday, the rest of the gang would drop in when they were free. Brian also came to visit, although it was usually in the evening right before he went to sleep, although he didn't mind listening to Brian relate the events of his day while he drifted off to sleep, quite honestly he loved having Brian around again and the fact that he was coming because he wanted too only made it better.

This afternoon Justin lay in his bed, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight that was washing over him, when he suddenly felt a change in the air in the room. He could sense a presence just outside the door of his room, it was familiar but one he couldn't quite place. He knew it wasn't his mother, she had an overbearing air about her, or Brian; Justin had been able to tell when he was in the room even when he could see.

"Hello?" he inquired, hoping to break the ice since he could feel the hesitancy of the person at the door.

Silence. Ethan stood at the door not sure of his next move. It had taken a lot for him to come back to the hospital, but he felt he had to see and talk to Justin one last time before letting go. Seeing Justin lying wreathed in the sunlight that was pouring in the windows only served to remind him of what he was leaving behind.

"Hello?" Justin tried again.

"Hey." Ethan finally replied, taking a few tentative steps in to the room.

"Ethan." Justin sighed, finally placing the familiar feeling.

Ethan made his way over towards the bed in the middle of the room. Justin tracking his progress as he listened to Ethan's slow steps across the room.

When he reached the foot of the bed, Ethan watched Justin position his head so that he was facing where Ethan is standing. The thought that he might have been able to prevent this whole situation was almost enough to make him want to run out of the room, but the beautiful blonde laying in the bed in from of him steadied that urge.

Ethan softly cleared his throat, "How are you doing?" he asked, knowing what a stupid question it is.

"Much better. How about you, you haven't been around?" Justin truly was curious as to why Ethan had left. He knew what Brian told him about their encounter three days ago, but Justin had wanted to hear it from Ethan himself.

Ethan remained silent, not sure of what to say. Justin reached out his hand toward Ethan. "Come closer, please." Justin said. Ethan, who never could refuse his muse, walked around the bed towards the outstretched hand. When he reached the side of the bed he took Justin's hand in his and sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"Why?" Justin asked. Ethan looked up and saw the blank blue eyes looking imploringly in his direction.

"Because I love you," he said simply before continuing, "and I know that you never loved me like you love him." At this point Justin tried to interject, but isn't allowed to. "Don't deny it, I always knew and still loved you just the same. I also know how much he cares for you." Ethan thought back to the night in the waiting room, seeing Brian completely dishevelled awaiting the news of Justin's condition.

"And as much as I love you I know that he can take better care of you." His voice trailed off at the end of the sentence as he lowered his head.

Justin released his hold on Ethan's hand and followed his arm up to the down-turned face. He placed a hand under Ethan's chin and raised his face. "This is not your fault. You have to know that. There is nothing you or Brian could have done to prevent this. You know that right. This was just an inevitable part of life that I have to deal with, all right?" Justin's adamant tone lightened Ethan's heart. He was happy to know that Justin didn't blame him, but then again….

"What do you mean inevitable?" he asked not understanding how going blind could be an inevitability in life.

"Never mind." Justin said waving a hand in dismissal of the subject. "Thanks for coming by Ethan it really means a lot to me."

Before Ethan had a chance to try and go back to the dismissed subject a nurse came in. "Justin, it's time for therapy." She said bringing a wheel chair over to the bed.

As she helped Justin in to the chair he said once again, "Thank you Ethan."

Ethan watched sadly as Justin was rolled from the room and his life. "Anytime Justin, anytime."

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Justin had been in the hospital for just over a week as Brian made his way there. He was in a good mood, he and Justin were getting along well, and it was encouraging. Brian had been coming to the hospital in the evenings to visit with Justin after work. Justin seemed almost back to normal, the only thing that seemed really off was that Justin was quieter than usual, Brian was the one who did most of the talking during their visits and he was sure he had never spoken so much in his entire life. Brian could remember when they were living together that he sometimes wished he could put a muzzle on the blonde. What still concerned Brian was Justin's blindness and his acceptance of the whole thing. Had it been anyone else he knew, they would be whining and complaining, and playing the "Oh woe is me" situation to the fullest degree. Not Justin. Justin seemed to be just fine with not being able to see anymore.

When Brian arrived at Justin's room the blonde was absent. He checked with the nurses' station, they told him that Justin was at therapy, and would be there for another fifteen minutes or so.

Deciding rather than heading home and then coming back, he would go down and see how Justin was progressing. Maybe he could see if there was anyway that he could help in Justin's recovery.

Inside the hospital's therapy room Justin was sitting with his visual therapist, Josh. Which, in his mind was somewhat of a contradiction considering he couldn't see a damn thing. He was being a good sport though because he knew he was going to need to use all the things that Josh was teaching him for the rest of his life. He said rest of his life, because, unlike Daphne or his mother, he was sure his new state was a permanent one. He wasn't holding on to any beliefs that one day might magically get his sight back, and everything 'would be just like it used to be'! He'd already suffered enough tragedy in his young life to know that what doesn't kill you only makes you jaded.

He'd learned to walk with his brand-spankin' new cane, something that made him feel a little more pathetic than he had wanted. What he was finding most difficult was learning to read Braille, sure it was just a little basic stuff like numbers 1-10 and the alphabet, but still. The doctors weren't sure if he should learn or not, but since his sight still hadn't returned, they figured the basics couldn't hurt.

Josh had been completely honest in telling him that it would be the most difficult part of the therapy. It was much easier for kids than adults to learn reading the little bumps and indents and Justin was finding that to be completely true. He ran his index finger over the dots, trying to decipher the hidden meaning.

"So Justin, what's it say?" Josh asked him.

"Supercallifragilisticexpialidotious?" Justin responded dejectedly. Josh smiled at him, knowing that everyone always had a hard time in the beginning.

"Well it's actually 'cat', but at least you were close." He said with a laugh. He got a smile from Justin. "Seriously, though, Justin it will get easier, I promise."

Justin let out a huff that indicated he really didn't think so.

"You're an artist, right?" Josh began

"Was." Justin corrected.

Josh continued as if not hearing the interruption. "I bet when you were just beginning you weren't drawing perfect portraits. It took practice and so does this. We'll work here on it, and then when you go home I'm sure someone will be willing to help you practice."

Justin thought for a moment, this really was something he needed to learn. "I suppose I won't be reading "War and Peace" anytime soon though."

Josh smiled. Happy to know that his patient would at least give this the effort it deserved. "Probably not, but I bet you could listen to it on audio book, if you could stay awake for the whole thing."

Brian watched as Justin laughed at whatever comment his therapist had made. It was nice to see Justin laughing, although it would be even nicer to see him cry. He hadn't shed a tear over his new condition and Brian was sure that there was some sort of repression going on, Brian, of course, being the master of repression. Justin had always been the more emotional of the two of them and it had gotten on Brian's nerves. Now he would give anything for those ridiculous emotions.

Brian moved to the door when he saw Justin get up and turn to make his way back upstairs.

"Today's the day!" Josh was saying

"What day might that be?" Justin bantered back.

"The day you get to use your cane to get back to your room, with me following behind, of course."

"Yipee" Justin said flatly.

Brian smiled the banter. At least Justin's sense of humour was unaffected.

Justin raised his head to the door, arching an eyebrow in concentration; a look that Brian didn't miss. He was sure that Justin was trying to figure out if it was actually him standing there without being able to see him. Before he could greet the blonde, Justin spoke.

"Hey Josh." Josh looked up and saw Justin motion to the door. He saw a handsome brunette leaning against the doorjamb watching the blonde. "Let me guess," Justin continued. "Male, brunette, hazel eyes, about 6'2". Wearing Prada boots, jeans, mmm, a black t-shirt and a leather jacket. Probably is arching an eyebrow and has a tongue in cheek smirk on his face. Am I right?"

Josh smiled. "Christ, that was the worst guess I've ever heard! There's no damn leather jacket. You should get that ESP checked."

Brian took a few steps into the room. "The jacket's upstairs in your room."

Justin gave Josh a smirk. "Brian, Josh, Josh, Brian."

"Ah, Brian Kinney. I've heard a lot about you."

"All good I hope."

Justin let out a bark of laughter.

"Mmm, I guess not." Brian smiling.

Josh handed Justin his cane. "We better be on our way Mr. Psychic Hotline." Josh put a hand under Justin's elbow. "Alright, just like we practiced."

Brian and Josh followed just behind Justin as he made his way slowly and silently down the hall towards the elevator.

"So, Justin, I think you'll be able to head home soon. Pretty exciting eh?" Josh said, trying to make conversation.

Justin's step faltered slightly. "Yeah, I guess." That thought really hadn't occurred to him. But suddenly he realised he would be heading home, although he wasn't sure where home was exactly. He was living with Ethan, but now he would be heading home to his mother's house.

Brian could see that Justin had suddenly realised he was going home to Jennifer's, not Ethan's. That was his fault and he knew it, but he didn't regret it at all.

They reached the elevator and got on. Brian was about to push the button for Justin's floor, but Josh stopped him. "Justin, push the button for floor 5 please." They both watched as Justin's finger moved clumsily over the Braille under the numbers. He finally came to the five. His finger moved across it, then again. Without asking the other men he confidently pushed the '5'.

"See, I told you," Josh said. "You're already pressing elevator buttons! War and Peace here we come!"

Brian who had missed the conversation looked at him, like he was nuts. "Tolstoy? I thought only professors and pretentious English students read that?"

Josh and Justin just laughed and left Brian bewildered, he hadn't heard Justin talk so much let alone laugh out loud since he'd been in the hospital. The doors on the fifth floor opened. Justin moved towards the door and Brian followed behind. Josh stayed in the elevator. "Well, Justin this is where I stay on. I'll leave you in Brian's capable hands and see you tomorrow."

"Alrighty, tomorrow, same Braille time, same Braille channel." Justin said with a laugh.

He heard the doors close, and turned to face Brian. "Don't look at me like that." Justin said.

Brian realised he was giving him a rather incredulous look. He smiled, knowing that Justin could tell what kind of look he was getting was reassuring.

They turned and continued their slow journey towards Justin's room.

"So when are you getting out of here?" Brian said, trying to figure out a way to broach the subject he'd been thinking of since he'd arrived at the hospital today.

"Soon I hope." Was the reply.

"Well when you do I…" Brian paused, not sure if this was the right thing to do, but deciding it really didn't matter. "I'd like you to move back into the loft."

Brian almost ran into Justin as he had stopped cold in his tracks.

"What? I think my hearing might be on the fritz as well."

"Move in with me." Brian repeated.

Justin started walking again. "I don't know Brian. That didn't really work last time and now, well, I don't want to be a burden."

"Justin, you're not a burden." Although Brian could understand Justin's thinking, he would hate to be in the situation where he needed the kind of attention that Justin would need. But he wanted to be there for the blonde.

They continued to the room in silence, both men thinking about Brian's proposition. Justin didn't want to move in with Brian if it was out of pity and he most definitely didn't want to be an imposition. He was sure this was going to take some serious thought.

"JUSTIN!" came Jennifer Taylor's voice from inside the room. "I was so worried when I got here and you were nowhere to be seen. Where were you?!"

"I was in therapy." Said Justin making his way over to his bed. His mother immediately started fussing over him, trying to help him get into the bed.

"Oh. Well I spoke to your doctor today, and guess what?" Before anyone could guess, she continued. "You can go home in two days! Isn't that great?"

Brian looked at the blonde being forced into the covers. Justin turned his head towards the door where he knew Brian was standing.

"I'm moving in with Brian." Justin blurted out over his mother's excited ramblings.

Jennifer stopped mid-sentence, all WASP-ishness void of her voice as she said, "WHAT?" She looked at her son and then finally acknowledging the other man.

Brian looked at the flabbergasted woman and although he was surprised himself he managed to say with a satisfied smirk "I do believe he said he's moving in with me."

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