Minding Your P's and Q's

It was a good day on the Enterprise. The captain was comfortably seated in the center chair, surveying the bridge and his officers with satisfaction. Yes, they truly were the best in Starfleet and he had trained them well.

On his right was Will Riker, one of the fleet's best and brightest, not to mention tallest. He was studying something on his monitor panel and tapping out the rhythm of an old jazz tune with his fingers.

In front were Data and Ro, at conn and ops. The android was practicing his knock knock jokes while the Bajoran concentrated on smoothing the wrinkles out of her nose. She'd been at it since Gamma shift, and the captain marveled at her persistence.

On the left, draped casually over her chair and smiling was Deanna Troi, ship's counselor and fashion consultant. She was diligently studying fabrics for the seat covers she was planning to order from her new Sears catalog. Nothing but the best, she assured him, after all this was the fleet's flagship. Can't have the bridge looking shabby. She kept the throw rugs she'd ordered a secret for now. She just loved surprising the captain.

The bench seat beside Deanna was piled high with interior decorator magazines, making the captain sigh. He wished it were occupied by his favorite doctor instead. She was so much nicer to look at than those tacky curtains Deanna had put up over the main view screen.

Suddenly, the captain's thoughts were disrupted as the ship lurched, sending Deanna's catalogs and a few stray ensigns sailing across the bridge. The captain flew forward a few meters, then stopped and was snapped back into his seat by his bungee seatbelt. The first time he used it he didn't like it, but he'd grown to enjoy the sensation. Sometimes he even made Data slam into full reverse just for the fun of it.

Beside him, Deanna cried out, "Oh drat. I lost my page."

"Report ,Data."

The captain smiled at the First Officer's words. Will was so efficient.

Turning around, Data leapt to his feet and did a tap-dance. When he was done, he bowed, acknowledging the scattered applause. "I am pleased to announce that we have just encountered our one millionth spatial anomaly!"

"Well that's something to celebrate." Deanna said, "Fruity drinks with little pink umbrellas for everyone!"

Everyone on the bridge cheered except for Ro who was muttering under her breath.

"What was that, Ro?"

"Celebrate yourself, Troi. Look what that bump did to my nose!" The Bajoran turned around and everyone was suddenly quiet. There was another wrinkle in the Ensign's nose!

Troi frowned slightly, squinting as if trying to understand something. "I suddenly sense hostility. I wonder why?"

Sensing there was about to be a fight, the captain released his bungee seatbelt and scampered over beside Will. Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. The captain let out a little shriek and leapt up into Will Riker's arms.

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

Riker rolled his eyes.

The light faded, leaving a young man standing in the center of the bridge.

"I am the great and powerful P!" the newcomer announced.

The captain and Riker looked at each other. "P?"

"Yes, well, I was a Q, but they dropped me a letter grade when I flunked my omnipotence test."

Setting the captain down, Riker struck a menacing pose. "We've had enough of your kind interfering with our mission. Leave!"

"Leave? Leave? Do you have any idea how long it took me to get here? And anyway, I'm not here to interfere with your mission. I don't even know where you're going."

"Neither do we," Worf grumbled. The captain gave him a nasty look.

"Why are you here?" Riker wanted to know.

"Why, to do this." With a gesture, the bright light filled the bridge again, but this time, when it faded, Beverly Crusher was standing next to P. Before anyone could speak, the alien continued his explanation. "Because I'm not full Q, I've been given the task of finding lost causes." He gestured at the captain and Beverly. "And you two are a big one."

"No!" Deanna cried. "You can't do it. We'll lose our funding. They'll take away my galactic gold card. We'll be canceled!! They'll make Voyager movies!"

Beverly rushed over to comfort the distraught woman, slipping her a hypo full of sedative.

Worf growled in appreciation. The doctor was his kind of woman. The captain frowned at him.

"Much better," P said. "Now, if I get the two of you together, I'll get extra credit and earn back my Q status. So are you going to cooperate or do I have to strand you in some lame Robin Hood scenario?"

Beverly slinked over to the captain, smiling. The light glinted off her teeth. The captain tried to leap into Riker's arms again, but the First Officer dropped him. "Sorry sir, but the safety of this vessel is my first priority. I'm afraid you'll have to face this particular danger on your own."

The captain paled.

Beverly licked her lips. Taking the captain's hand she dragged him towards the turbolift. "For the good of the ship. Come along captain." She propelled him into the turbolift, then turned and waved to the bridge crew as the door slid shut.

Arriving at Beverly's cabin, the doctor led her unwilling captain inside, then secured the doors. He went directly to the replicator and ordered a Klingon ale, swallowing the liquid in one gulp. When he was able to see again, he turned towards the odd metallic sound.

Beverly was standing before him wearing nothing but her lab coat and a smile. The noise was coming from her pocket.

"Beverly, what's that sound?"

"This?" She rattled something in her pocket. "Oh, just a little something I carry around for special occasions." She pressed herself against him and smiled. "Why do you think I redesigned the lab coats when I was Head of Starfleet Medical. Where else would I put these."

The captain nearly fainted in horror at the sight of the shiny metal handcuffs. "Beverly, I..."

The metal closed around his wrist with a loud click

On the bridge of the Enterprise, the semi-mighty being known as P laughed.

:::end:::

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