Memory, My Enemy

It was over.

The Enterprise was leaving the Ullians and their counselors behind, heading off to a new assignment.

"Time to move on." they had told her, "to get on with your life."

They didn't know, they couldn't know what they were asking.

She had been very careful in her counseling sessions, years of having an empath for a friend finally paying off. She had said the right things, done the right things, cooperated as fully as she was able. They had believed the whole act.

If only she could fool herself as easily.

It had been days since she'd even tried sleeping in her bed, surviving instead on the snatches of exhausted, dreamless slumber that claimed her as she worked in her quarters each night. It would take it's toll eventually; she knew that. But for now, there was no other alternative.

She couldn't bear to see those memories replayed over and over again in her mind. Better to distract herself with anything, whatever it took, than to let those false images return unchecked in her nightmares.

But return they did, night after night, day after day, as she remained in solitude. She distanced herself from her friends, knowing that they too were suffering, and where sharing their pain might help them, it would only worsen hers.

How could they know, how could she tell them that every memory she possessed, the sweet, the bitter, the poignant, even the small silly ones were all tainted by one thing; Jean-Luc. Jev had not been content to force her to remember the worst moments of her life. He had not been content to make her believe Jean-Luc had assaulted her in the morgue next to Jack's corpse. Even that had not been enough to satisfy his need for vengeance. She had dared oppose him and he had made her suffer in ways that her friends couldn't even imagine.

Which is why she hadn't seen Jean-Luc in three days.

At first he had left her alone, struggling to do as the counselor's had asked and allow her time to heal. Then she had refused his invitations to breakfasts and dinners, claiming fatigue or work, or whatever excuse first came to her mind. He respected her wishes and left her alone.

He never suspected she couldn't stop seeing him in her mind.

But the Jean-Luc of her memory was cruel and hurtful, that image overpowering every remembrance she had of the man, tainting even the most innocent of recollections. And that taint had spread to infect her memories of Jack, and Walker, and finally even Wesley. Growing and spreading so that there was no instance of her past that was not affected by it.

For hours she sat, in the darkness of her rooms, remembering, searching, struggling to correct the damage Jev had done. She had failed, but still she searched.

She found it by accident, starting as it did with the sting of an envious Jean-Luc. He had been so envious of Odan, especially Odan in Will Riker's body, that he had not been able to maintain his usual diplomatic facade. He had been graceless in ways that Beverly had never seen before, and far more possessive than their current relationship gave him the right to be, no matter what they might feel for each other. But that envy was her saving grace.

The memory of that envious Jean-Luc had been what Jev wanted, and he hadn't bothered to alter it. That one oversight gave Beverly the lifeline she needed. With that memory came the recollection of love and affection, a sweet soothing remembrance in the midst of so much distortion and anger. And at it's center was Will Riker.

He had risked everything to host Odan, his life, his sense of self, even control of his body. All of it had been subordinated to the will of the Trill host. It was not something Will Riker did easily, giving up control. But he had done it, and part of it had been for her. Allthough he had never admitted it, she knew.

That one memory was her lifeline, opening up other memories of Will, his holding her, comforting her, and she comforting him. It was the first time in days she remembered any tenderness from a man. It was the first time in days that she knew the memory was truly hers.

And that was why, when her door chime sounded, she let him in.

::: end:::

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