Invisible
Sometimes I wish I was invisible. Not kid-invisible, like when I'm trying
to get Mommy or Daddy to pay attention and they're busy talking to another
adult - that's not really being invisible, that's just being a kid. At least,
that's what Justin always tells me when I get mad for being ignored. Justin
never used to ignore me - we'd sneak away from all the boring adults and
hunt for treasure or play detective. He draws the best treasure maps. Even
when he started getting mad at Mommy and Daddy he still played with
me.
Until Daddy made him go away.
Sometimes when Justin was with Daphne or out somewhere drawing, I'd pretend
I was invisible and sneak into his room. I know where he kept all his coolest
stuff and his best drawings. Sometimes there were other drawings, things
that would make Daddy mad if he knew about them. Justin always said that
it was ok to draw people without clothes because it was art. He used to take
me to the art museum and show me his favorite pictures. Some of those pictures
had people without clothes. If it's ok to have pictures like that in museums,
why would it make Daddy mad when Justin drew them? I asked Mommy that once
but she just got a sad look on her face and didn't really answer. I wish
I could find out where Justin is so I could call him on the phone, maybe
ask him to explain. But Daddy gets kinda strange when anyone tries to talk
about Justin, so I don't say anything. Maybe Daddy wishes that Justin were
invisible. Before Justin went away, I heard him talking to Mommy and he sounded
mean. Justin's hardly ever mean. I stayed in my room and pretended that I
hadn't heard. After Justin left, Mommy went into the bedroom and closed the
door and stayed there for a long time. She didn't come out until it was supper
time and she looked kind of funny, as if she was really sad and wanted to
cry. Daddy was working late so we went out for pizza. She put on a lot of
makeup and it made her look happy again, but when I asked her what was wrong,
she just shook her head and didn't answer. Justin stayed at Daphne's that
night and when it was really late and all the lights were off, I snuck into
his room and sat on his bed for awhile. He has an old teddy bear that he
keeps hidden in the closet. His name is Gus and sometimes when I'm really
sad Justin lets me hold him. I took Gus back to my room and hid him under
my covers.
I forgot to put Gus back in the morning and I was sure Justin would be really
mad, but when I gave him back, Justin just smiled at me and said it was ok,
that I could keep Gus company anytime that Gus got
lonely. He looked at me strange and gave me a hug. I thought something was
wrong, but then he called me Mollusk so I knew everything was ok.
He got into a fight at school. His lip was bleeding and looked like it hurt.
He told me that Oreos would make it better so I fixed him a plate and made
the Oreos into a smile. He laughed at that and we sat at my tea party table
even though he was way too big.
I heard Mommy and Daddy talking to Justin and they all sounded mad. I pretended
I had a cape that made me invisible and hid on the stairs, listening. I didn't
understand everything they said, but it made my stomach feel funny and I
got scared. When Justin left the house, I peeked out the window. He and Daddy
were arguing again and then Daddy hit Justin. It made me want to cry, but
I'm too big for that. I figured Gus was lonely so I went and hugged him until
he felt better.
Mommy and Daddy were yelling at each other downstairs again. They do that
a lot since Justin stopped living here. Daddy wanted to throw all of Justin's
stuff in the garbage. He stomped up the steps and went into Justin's room
and I heard things being thrown around and paper tearing. I went and sat
behind the bed under a blanket and pretended it was a tent like Justin used
to make for me. I stayed there a long time holding Gus Bear because he was
scared.
I sneaked into Justin's room in the morning before school after Daddy had
gone to work. All of the pictures and posters were gone from the walls, torn
up and stuffed into big trash bags. I looked in the drawer where Justin kept
his drawings and the sketch pads were gone. I found a few pieces in the bags
but then Mommy called me for breakfast and I had to eat fast or I'd be late
for school. When I got home the bags were gone.
I hid the pieces I'd rescued in my diary 'cause Mommy and Daddy would never
dare look in it.
Daddy wasn't home much after that. When he was, he slept in the guest room
downstairs. He and Mommy were mad at each other all the time. Then, Daddy
didn't come home any more.
Sometimes, I pretend that he's invisible.
Once when Mommy was outside, I called Daphne and asked her to tell Justin
I was taking care of Gus. She told me that I was a good sister and that Justin
would be happy. I told her about Justin's torn-up drawings and asked her
to find out if there was anything that Justin wanted. Daphne and I pretended
to be spies and I smuggled some cds, photos and stuff to her to take to Justin.
He sent me candies and silly drawings that made me giggle.
Tonight Daddy is taking me to the movies. I go upstairs to get my jacket
and I hear him talking to Mommy. I want to hear about Justin so I listen,
even though I know I shouldn't. Now I wish I hadn't.
Why would Daddy never want me to see Justin again? How could he think that
Justin would hurt me? That Mommy would hurt me? Daddy wouldn't really take
me away. Would he?
I go up to my room really quiet and I get my invisibility cape. I put it
over my head and close my eyes and wish harder than I ever have in my whole
life. I wish I was invisible.
Daddy calls my name and I open my eyes slowly and look in the mirror. I see
me with a jacket over my head. I put the jacket on and turn away. Before
I leave the room I wrap Gus in a doll blanket and hide him under the bed.
Maybe I can't make him invisible, but I can try and keep him safe.
::end::