Beware the Silverware

It was all Gunter's fault. Yuuri would tell everyone that - just as soon as Wolfram stopped trying to kill him. If Gunter hadn't kept him so long at lessons, then Yuuri wouldn't have cut through the dining room and had that little... mishap.

"Do you have a brain in that head or do you just use it for storage?" Wolfram had progressed from shouting at Yuuri to trying to strangle him. Conrad watched the familiar spectacle with his usual smile in place, but there was a slight Gwendal-like furrow between his brows.

"He was teaching me history, not silverware," Yuuri sputtered.

"He was trying to beat some common sense into that thick skull of yours!" Wolfram countered, not releasing his stranglehold. "How could you have missed something so... so... obvious?!!

"There's nothing obvious about it!" Yuuri yelled back, risking his very life at the hands of his excitable fiancé. "Sporks, knives, butter dishes, even the water glass thing, but no one said anything about ladles!!"

"And fruit knives," Conrad added not very helpfully.

"Fruit knives!" Yuuri threw his hands up in frustration, nearly giving his intended a black eye. "You know what the real problem is? You people have too much silverware!!" He looked over at Gwendal who had just arrived and was already rubbing his temple in a way that looked painful. "I'm the king, right? So here's my official ruling: no more silverware. From now on we're only eating finger foods."

Gwendal's right eye twitched and he rubbed harder.

"Hei... Yuuri, that doesn't..." Conrad caught Wolfram's glare and swallowed, choosing his words carefully. "Silverware isn't the main concern here."

"You can't expect me to believe... urk!"

"Wolfram, perhaps it's not a good idea to strangle the father of your unborn child."

"Hmpf!" Wolfram released Yuuri reluctantly. "There wouldn't be an unborn child to worry about if this wimp hadn't dropped the ladle, then picked it up and set it on the fruit knife."

"What's that got to do with anything? You can't get someone pregnant by picking up silverware!"

"Then how do you think babies are made? Probably involves something messy and disgusting." Wolfram pressed a hand gently over his rounded middle and addressed the bump. "I'm sorry, little one, your other father is an idiot."

Yuuri wondered where the nearest water was and if he could get there before Wolfram caught him. Surely his beloved's "delicate condition" ought to slow him down a little.

"You're not going anywhere," Gwendal stopped rubbing his temple long enough to glare. It was a weak imitation of Wolfram's but still intimidating.

Yuuri cast Conrad a pleading look, but the older man only smiled and said: "I'll tell Gunter to start the wedding preparations."

Three weeks later, Yuuri sat in the middle of a pink-ruffled nightmare of a wedding reception eating finger foods and trying not to flinch when the maid offered him soup.

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